He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

Sertraline takes 6 weeks to take effect for some people but can be quicker so please give it time to work.
That said, I went on antidepressants 10mo postpartum and the relief was so huge I felt better the next day.

Cut yourself some slack and it will get better. I feel the love that I was terrified was never going to come.

I am in Manchester if you want to talk to someone IRL x

I’m so glad you feel a bit better 😊 even if the medicine takes a while to work you’ve sought the help and can move forward with some support. X

Oh love your post really resonated with me , I’m a nearly 40 year old on my 4th baby and partner and my last birth with c section and colicky baby had me on my knees , every day was a struggle . You definitely sound like you have PND but even so anyone would feel like shit being on their own coping with a baby .
You are doing so well , you have managed up until now and just need to put one foot in front of the other every day from now , put clothes on in the morning even if you don’t feel like going out , get the finances sorted out and just take each day as it comes and see GP for a bit of support .

When my baby was that age and I wasn’t up to going anywhere I watched box sets like greys anatomy etc and just concentrated on holding baby ( who wouldn’t be put down )

Hi OP, all the children’s centres in Tameside offer free baby groups. They’re brilliant! A really good place to meet other mums and a reason to get up and out the house and socialise for both you and baby.
www.gotogrowtameside.co.uk/
You should be able to find your nearest one on there but if not by all means PM me if your interested and I’ll help find one near to you.

I have no other advice than what others have given.

It does get better, being a new mum is incredibly hard even more so when your lonely too.
I live in Tameside too, i don’t always have a great deal of time I’ve got a one year old and have gone back to work but I do sometimes have some spare time so could meet you for a walk and a chat if you’d like. Or you can simply message me for some friendly advice and I’ll try me best to help you xx

I know several people have posted this, but the thread is a lot to wade through and so I am posting it again with the number in case you have missed it.
I would recommend telephoning Homestart - they should be able to provide you with a volunteer for 2 hours a week who can support you and give you a break. They also ought to know about other groups and things that could help you. It won't happen immediately though, so accept other help also.
HOMESTART MANCHESTER tel - 0161 721 4493

Right then OP. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are doing a FAB job. Seriously, you're on your own with no support. I don't think anyone would cope under the circumstances.

FWIW I hated the baby days so much. The constant crying and screaming. A baby who wasn't content anywhere, or with anything. It was just a constant state of misery.

I had plenty of days where I bitterly regretted having a child. I felt shit, useless, guilty and just totally lost. I fantasised about killing myself, putting him up for adoption, running away, throwing him down the stairs.....all sorts of crazy thoughts.

I pushed myself harder than I ever thought possible to build a good relationship with him. My god, it wasn't easy at times but my son is now 5 yrs old and the most awesome human being I have the pleasure of knowing.

When you're stuck in these dark times it is very hard to appreciate that it's really just a moment in time. You are in the trenches at the moment and it's fucking hard. But, being a parent you're in a constantly evolving state. You will look back on this in a year, two years, five years and know what I mean.

But right now, I hope that you can take each day as it comes. Every day that passes your baby is getting a little older until one day, you will blink and they'll be at school.

Time is standing still right now, but I promise - it won't always be this way.

@clairindespair - I had PND after each of my babies was born, and I was able, through the NCT, to find out more about it. I went to a lecture by Dr Katerina Dalton, whose theory was that PND could be made worse by dips in blood sugar.

Basically, she said that the receptors that pick up the hormones that prevent/lessen PND from your blood can also switch to being blood sugar receptors - and if your blood sugar drops, these receptors are switched to blood sugar, to make sure your body gets the energy because that is a higher priority than the hormones, and it takes some time for them to switch back, once your blood sugar climbs.

She suggested having carbs within an hour of getting up, three hourly through the day, and within an hour of bedtime, to keep your blood sugar levels stable - no highs or lows.

I liked this theory, cause it was something I could do easily - it doesn’t have to be a lot, but a digestive biscuit or an oatcake or two are easy to grab one handed while you feed the baby - you might find it would help alongside the sertraline.

I am glad you have got some help - well done for getting yourself to the doctor and being so open and honest with them.

Do u have formula for the baby tonight OP

I have an absolute war style collection of formula hahaha he has about 2 months worth taking pride of place in my pantry

I’ve ended up going to my mothers, who I haven’t spoken to properly since last year. She has knelt over him saying your mummy hates you so my support network in real life is ever growing. Yay

so glad to hear you had a positive GP appointment and some medication. Please do follow up on the resources you've been signposted to here to sort out your finances, and with the kind locals to Tameside who have offered a cuppa and a chat.

You poor love, you have done incredibly well to get this far. These first few weeks are definitely the hardest because you don't know your baby yet. Factor in the sleep deprivation and the major abdominal surgery you recently had, it's amazing you're still functioning at all. I was ten years older than you with an amazing DH, supportive MIL and even a maternity nurse and I STILL got fucking PND. It was caused by my hormones going bonkers, some women are more prone to it apparently. I honestly wished I could go back in time and not get pregnant.

My GP started me on sertraline too and it was very effective. It sort of cleared all the nasty fog in my head and took away that hopeless feeling inside. You will get through this, your feet are already on the right path. And you should be very proud of yourself for pro actively seeking to get better.

I don’t have time tonight to read all of this, but i’ve read the opening post.

I’ve not long come out of the colicky, screaming baby phase. It fucking nearly destroyed me, seriously. Op, it’s a short period in time, although it won’t feel like it now, I promise you this will be over soon and your life with your son will become wonderful, it really will. He’ll sleep, he’ll develop a lovely little personality, you’ll have fun together, life will be good. I promise you op. Please hang in there and for the love of God please sleep in the day when he sleeps. It’ll give you a boost of energy to get the cleaning done when you can be arsed. Please, please sleep when he sleeps.

Feel free to PM me. I’m out the other side now and I want to reassure you how lovely things become. I’m even doing it again and planning for another!!

that is crap of your mum.She should be taking care of you both when you need her to. Not criticising. I sympathise because I've had that too.

Well your mum sounds lovely
Surround yourself with people who will make you feel better, not worse.

No my mum is a dick haha I’m only here because I bloody need sleep and she said she’ll be up in the night with him, so zzz’s are coming v soon

Yeah I was being sarcastic!
Hope it works out tonight and you can get some sleep!

So sorry your family is unsupportive. I echo everyone saying go to playgroups, they saved my sanity with my first when I was depressed and shell shocked after the birth, and then again with my second when I had no clue how to manage a 2.5 year old and a new born. I volunteer at that same playgroup now, my oldest is 8, you will get through this, nothing is harder than these early weeks, the sleep deprivation made me feel like I was losing my mind. I also didn't bond instantly with either of my babies, it happened over time slowly, mostly with my first, those first few weeks I was thinking 'what the fuck have I done to my life' whatever you think, however you feel now has no bearing on your ability to be a fantastic loving mum. You just need to get through the next few weeks.

I just hate him, I can’t feel anything else. It’s so horrible.

I'm glad you've got some meds - be aware that you need to drink a lot of water with sertraline, to ensure it doesn't get stuck (it burns). I take it in the morning, rather than at night before I lie down in bed.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just remember we have all gone through the same feelings at one time or another. Things will get better.

Oh I'm so glad you got to spew the whole lot out at the GP. That's therapeutic. Well done on getting the meds and going to your less than ideal mother just to get some sleep. You'll be amazed what a few hours unbroken sleep can do for you!! You don't have to like your mother right now (or ever see my other thread lol) but she is useful now for you to get essential sleep.
I wish you the sweetest dreams and a restful sleep.

I’m only here because I bloody need sleep and she said she’ll be up in the night with him, so zzz’s are coming v soon

That's great - definitely take any practical support that she will offer, even though you don't get on and she doesn't sound very nice. Would you trust her to babysit for a couple of hours every so often if she wants to see her dgs going forward? Give you a bit of time?

Your mums doesn’t seem like the best place to be For your mental health but if she’ll care for the baby and leave you to sleep then make the most of it just so you can get some rest. Ignore anything she might say that’s hurtful and just rest up while you can.
Your medication should hopefully help you to feel a bit better but in the meantime we are here for you to come to talk it out if needed