He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

And his birth wasn’t special it was horrific for me, hence the mention of emergency csection. The second I went into labour I knew I didn’t want him, I wasn’t ready. Then when they gave me general anaesthetic I prayed I wouldn’t come round from it.

Hope gp appt is positive for you. Make a list of what you want to say beforehand, it's easy to get overwhelmed once in there. Good luck.

I would imagine my gp will know already, under my eyes are red and dry from crying. He’s pissed on my pants and they’re the only ones I’ve got that fit so I probably stink. Hope she doesn’t think I’ve wet myself

When is your appointment?
I could meet you after if you like?

Be honest with your GP, please.

Op- just to echo what everyone else has said. This will get better. I have a seven month old and at the beginning I was seriously wondering why I’d even decided to have a baby. All he would do was cry,eat and sleep. If you can I’d really recommend trying to get out to any mother and baby groups ( look on Facebook or ask your HV if there are any near you ). I found speaking to other mums helpful and it was good just to get out of the house.
Hope you get some help soon.

I hope the appointment goes well. Just to comment regarding your friends smiling baby photo...that's just a moment, enough for a camera click. I post smiling photos of my baby but that could be just a moments relief during an otherwise difficult and wearing day of screaming.

Hello everyone,

We've had a number of reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circs, we're putting our heads round the door with some important reminders.

Right now we can't see any evidence to indicate that the OP isn't above board – if we did, we'd remove the thread straight away. But the truth is that, sadly, we at MNHQ can't know with 100% certainty that any poster is genuine, no matter who they are or how long they have been here. As frustrating as it is, we're not able to vouch for anyone here.

So we always ask users to remember that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are – and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong. We strongly advise against parting with any cash or giving away your personal details, and if you receive a PM which makes you uneasy - report it to us and we’ll take a look.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope you get it all sorted soon. In the meantime, you might find some useful information on our guide for dealing with financial difficulty

I couldnt read and run.
I'm so sorry you feel like this! I remember how hard it was in the beginning. I'm 25 so not as young as you but it is hard to feel so alone.

The pushchair dilemma I'm hoping I can help with! I have a bebear baby carrier/toddler carrier, forward and rear facing with hip seat you will have to check with the C section but I think its okay from 6 weeks that I will happily send you! It helped me bond so much as it was the only time she wasn't screaming at me. I could actually do other things. And just going for a walk with her saved my sanity. Sadly I'm Newcastle so can't be a physical presence but like so many others we are here emotionally.

I hope the gp can help you. Meant to ask what are you studying and we'll done on managing that whilst pregnant! :)

Op there's is s lot of information on here on this link and I think you are entitled to some benefits www.workingfamilies.org.uk/articles/pregnancy-and-maternity-for-students/

Do you have s student support team at uni, they will help you with finances, or chasing where your student loan is.

Babies don't do a lot in the beginning, your door goal is to feed, bathe and sleep for both of you.

Do you have a friend at uni you could ask round for a couple of hours whilst you sort some stuff out?

I couldn't see where baby's dad is at..half you put a claim in for child maintenance?

You can work all this out if you can give yourself a little head space to do it.

Don’t worry about the pissy trousers! I’ve walked around with baby sick all down my back before when I didn’t notice... for the entire day. 🤣 Least it wasn’t pooh! Hope the doctors goes okay.

Also I see you do have a sling - honestly these are life savers, baby will rest and be calm next to your body as he will hear your heartbeat and get your smell. It actually gives you independence to get on with things - with both hands. 20 secs of not holding baby to wee is not as good as 2 hours sorting things out and getting a plan in place for both of you so you don't feel like this for too long xx

Hi, honey. My heart goes out to you. I was 32 when my son was born prematurely. There was so much trauma around my labour and delivery. I felt like I could never catch my breath.

He was also a winter baby. I began dreading tea time as I felt the walls closing in as night fell. I slept but never enough and didn’t dream. In my mind this was it, this was my lot in life...a screaming bundle of endless needs.

Please know, things do get better. My gp diagnosed me with pnd and helped get me on medication. The days grew longer and my baby began to settle.

You are in the guerrilla parenting stage right now. As long as he is fed, clean nappy and warm you are doing right by him. Please look after yourself. Take any assistance offered. Don’t be afraid to place him in his bed and do something for yourself.

💐💐💐

I’m on eggshells constantly when we are out as I know it’s inevitable once I stop moving the pram he’ll be awake and screaming. I can hear noises from his pram now and i can feel my hair go on end.

Also, does anyone else’s doctors run dead late even though there’s no one waiting? It’s proper baffling me, is there a secret waiting room for their fave patients that we mere mortals don’t know about? 72 hours on 6 hours sleep.....my heads going

@SecretWitch

That’s exactly me! The second it starts going dark I just feel like there’s only me in the world. I can go days without physical conversation

Op if you felt that way in labour, u may have had what I think is called antenatal depression which I reckon I did too I couldn’t “feel” happy about scans etc

Mention to gp if they ever see you! Lol

OP, what are your plans for childcare when you go back to uni? Do they have a crèche? Can you go back earlier? When will you finish your course? I'm wondering if it's worth switching from being a student to benefits for a year or two? Depends on where you are in your studies of course. Is it vocational? Guaranteed job after? Keep thinking of the big picture and how things will get better.

OP, I have a sleepyhead here that I was going to donate, but will happily post it to you. My DS slept really well in it, and it allowed me to sleep whilst he napped. PM me if you are interested.

@clairindespair, so many hugs to you. The loneliness and isolation are awful. I found keeping my flat well lighted and tv or radio on gave me a feeling of company.

I remember the feeling of dread when out and about with my first, worried he'd scream and I'd not know what to do. And I also remember feeling overwhelmed with my second and not really connected with him, then he smiled and giggled at whatever number of weeks it was and my heart flipped out my chest it was like something clicked and I fell in love.

Clair I think many of us have been there. It sounds pretty rubbish TBH. Tell your health visitor that you are stru3and if they dont listen could tour GP help. Although an adoptive parent I missed my pre mum days when my tiny baby came home and I had support. Nothing prepares you for the WTF is this moments especially when other mums talk about rush of love. I found sure start a life saver and also had difficulty with the buggy and access. Could i suggest looking up l al.sling libraries as this means you sont have to lug a buggy about l. I wore my baby i a sling from 3 to 6 months and fes him in there too on his bottle. It helped with bonding. I am Manchester based too and have a sling you can have if you want it. P m me if you do xxxx

Hi OP. I don't have any more practical advice to add. I just wanted to post so you know you are not alone. At 4 weeks I was in survival mode.

I hope you get the help you need.

Xx

Hello OP,

I have nothing to add to the above, but I wanted to wish you well.

I remember fantasising about throwing my newborn out of the window. I also had her young, when I was a student.

Now she's 11, fabulous, we're very comfortable and I love my life. I really, really hope you get the help you need.