He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

Please please get in touch with Home Start. They are a charity in Tameside who help young families. No judgement and give advice, support on feeding, loans and equipment! They are amazing charity based in Ashton-under-Lyne and on Facebook

I started reading but there are so many posts I don't want to bombard you with any more advice than you have already been given except that you may not have been entitled to benefits before but you may well be as you have a baby which changes your entitlement. You will need all the information of your student loans as they take certain grants or loans into account and disregard others. I would strongly urge you to apply for universal credit and get an appointment to verify your education, grants and loans and ID asap so you can get financial support.

He is a baby who is 4 weeks old. He relies on you to give him love, attention and care. Cuddle him.. tell him you love him.. he needs the reassurance.
He may have an intolerance to the milk which may be why he is crying alot or even have reflex/colic
Speak to your health visitor and/or midwife. Good luck x

Apologies if anyone has already said this, depending on what you are studying there may be hardship funds available by profession. I know there are such funds available for nurses and student nurses for example. Hugs and am sorry you are feeling like this.

This thing SAVED US:

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Fisher-price-rainforest-baby-swing/223838825297?hash=item341dd56b51:g:hVIAAOSwveNeDJbv

I'm going to find more that aren't ending in 13 mins...

It's the Fisher Price Rainforest Baby Swing. 11 years on, we STILL HUM THE TUNES because we have very strong feelings about that machine and what it did for our sanity. Yes, it's the biggest thing you've ever seen in your life, but you won't care once he's in it and miraculously not howling.

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Fisher-Price-Rainforest-Open-Top-Baby-Swing/153788635617?hash=item23ce8459e1:g:sTIAAOSw83deC5HY

Try to find one in Manchester or that will post to you.

I remember by the way, when mine was born. Everyone had an opinion. I managed at 2 weeks old to walk 100 yards to the post office to collect my money. En route, I bumped into an old nun from the convent where I went to secondary school. She stopped to admire baby. Then declared it was too cold for a baby to be out (baby was dressed up like a yeti in a snow suit). She then went on to ask - are you feeding her yourself? I declared that yes I was - assuming she meant was it me or someone else (I was actually breastfeeding at the time but didn't realise what she meant).
I rushed to post office, got money, returned home and declared myself an unfit mother to bring baby out in the cold (it was october).

I got so bad, that I could actually hear people in my thoughts saying:

'Pick her up'
'Don't pick her up'
'She's hungry'
'Don't overfeed her'
'She's too hot'
'She's cold'
'Give her a dummy'
'Don't give her a dummy'
'Change her nappy'
'Why are there dirty nappies on the floor?'
'Give her to me'
'The temperature is too cold'
'You need to keep the temperature cool for SIDS guidelines'

etc. etc. etc. The thoughts almost became voices in my head and I thought that I was surely going insane. My aunt eventually brought me to the GP who started me on antidepressants and anti-psychotic meds for good measure lol. It was only then that aunts actually stepped in and helped. I was just a gaunt shell. Like something you'd see in a horror film haunting a house. With nothing but voices in my head telling me what to do. All contradicting each other.

With the mercy of God and the miracle of the drugs, I came around. But my God, I've never had a baby since - nor do I intend to!!!!!!!

Sleep deprivation makes anyone feel insane - I used to think my baby was singing to me. You're doing the hardest bit now. Babies get much more rewarding when they interact a bit. Hope you can hang in there a little longer OP, you're doing brilliantly to manage all this on your own.

OP. Feeling how much pain you are in. I've been somewhere close .
You will bond with your baby eventually
It's overwhelming now. Just try to eat regularly to keep your energy up and apply for every benefit available. ☘️

you obviously do care as you're asking for support. some very good advice offered, you need someone to come and give you support, a professional body or there are foster carers who will support mothers and babies. good luck xx

Oh OP. You're not alone - life with a newborn is so, so hard.

Please don't worry about your DS not smiling or coo-ing- they don't at this age. If he wants to feed all the time can you give him bigger bottles of formula?

Please tell your GP and health visitor that you're struggling. They'll just help- they won't judge. Tell them you have no money and ask for a referral to a food bank and baby bank, and look up the charity 'Home Start'. Do you have a children's centre near you? Lots of groups and activities at those, usually free, and they'll be another source of support. Please don't suffer alone.

He will be different in four weeks. After I had my baby I felt bewildered, overwhelmed and in a severe state of buyers remorse. The midwife visibly disapproved of me for looking horrified when she gave him to me, and then disapproving again when I saw her at reception and he was in a car seat on the floor away from me. I felt like a failure because I didn't love him.

It was when I went to register his birth right before the six week cut off that it all changed. I leaned over the pram to pick him up and he smiled for the first time. His face lit up to see me and I felt love for him for the first time.

You may or may not have the kind of moment, but there will be something. He is not going to be a screaming grunting lump for the next 18 years! As long as you're meeting his basic needs and yours, you're fulfilling the job description. Loving him will follow. And he will love you.

I'm really sorry you feel this way.
Until a month or so into my daughters life (she's now 22 months) I literally hated her. I cried, I punched walls, I was exhausted and I regretted ever having her.
Then I went to the doctors and was prescribed anti-depressants - and they made such a difference. That doesn't mean that everything was hunky dory but it was much better. As she's growing up I love her and love having her more everyday and looking back at the baby stage I hated it!
They don't do much and it's so hard but it's just a case of pushing through..
That's the only think I can advise you on really, I wouldn't be much help with the benefits/etc side of your problem. I bet it must be incredibly difficult dealing with this alone but please go to your GP and tell them you're suspecting PND. It won't fix your world but it will put you on the right path and clear your vision a little.

Good luck, sending my love.

Dear OP, I was older than you when I had my first, I was 27, I was a qualified nursery nurse, I had worked with babies and I still recall that "Fuck. What have I done? I want her to go away and never come back" feeling. I hated both of my babies first few months, I dreaded every squawk and squirm. I was not a natural mother to newborns but looking back I also had undiagnosed PND. I was terrified to ask for help because I'd been removed from home several times due to my mum's personality disorders and depression and I thought if I went to the GP the baby that I 'hated' and hated me would be removed by SS (makes no sense does it, because if I really hated my baby then surely having them removed would be a good thing). I am glad you have been brave enough to be honest here and I hope you have found some real life support too. Those babies that I hated? They are now 27 and 29 and they are the joy and light of my life, I am not sure when the shift in feelings happened but they did, one day I realised that I loved both of them with every bone in my body.

Now I am an old woman, I foster children, I especially foster babies born with an addiction and I love every minute, there are still times when I think "Just one minute of no crying please, I need a wee/cuppa/scream" but it is funny how life turns out sometimes.

OP, I've found your posts so difficult to read because they take me right back to those horrendous weeks after my oldest was born. It was miserable and felt exactly the same as you. Two things really helped me: reading "The Happiest Baby on the Block" which talked about the "5 S" shushing/swaying/swaddling, etc. (I'll send you a link.)

The other thing was going to my doctor and getting sertraline. It was a life saver. If you feel yourself sinking, medication could be a way to get yourself back on an even keel.

I have such compassion for you. Hang in there, it really does get better.

Great post from @AnuvvaMuvva at just before 10am. Try that plus look it I white noise/heartbeat sounds etc and try playing this while you cuddle the baby. My DS lives the noise of heartbeats to go to sleep and white noise at other times. My DD loves brown noise. I use a free app called Baby Calm which has lots of noises to try, but you can also just get it from You Tube. Also make sure gro-bags, bedding smells of you that can help settle

Your baby does not hate you, they are just too little to communicate apart from the above.

Sleep deprivation is awful, it completely affects mental and physical health. It's torture! At the moment you are dealing with that, plus post baby hormones and financial issues, that's too much for anyone. I would suggest try to get sleep as a priority, take the baby into bed with you and co-sleep safely if that helps? The Lullaby trust website will tell you how to do that.

It's so good you are reaching out for help, I hope your GP helps you and perhaps will be able to suggest a better HV you could have instead of the current one.

My DD is 6 weeks, she's my second so I knew what to expect but I've still found sleep deprivation awful! My DS was a better sleeper and more efficient at feeding so I've days where all I've achieved is a shower & keeping us both fed until DS & DH get home from work/nursery. Tiny babies really don't "do" much, she's not smiling or cooing yet. She is only just starting to focus well on toys/people and she is starting to stick out her tongue. So your baby is not late on any milestones yet.

I promise it will get better

Hi Clair

So much brilliant practical advice on here.

• PEOPLE CARE - all of us who've been new mums know that utterly helpless, sleep-deprived feeling of thinking 'I just can't do it'. You're not alone. Please take up people's offers of support in RL.

• THERE'S HELP OUT THERE - GP, midwife, charities, etc etc mentioned by others here. Ask for help, no one will judge you.

• HE DOESN'T HATE YOU - you're his world. He's adjusting to life outside and this is as overwhelming for him as it is for you. It's OK to feel crap right now.

• IT WILL PASS - this newborn stage is awful. But soon he'll start to smile. You'll learn to read his cues. Things will get better, your love for him will grow. And one day when he's 5 you'll not be able to imagine your life without him.

• Keep asking for help - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
  

Glad you are seeing the GP this afternoon, please ask them about PND as a priority.

Ask about CMPA too. You say your baby doesn't have CMPA symptoms but you have actually listed several!
See www.allergyuk.org/information-and-advice/conditions-and-symptoms/469-cows-milk-allergy

I'm confused about why you insist that you can't get a food voucher because you're not on benefits (you don't have to be on benefits to get food vouchers, I know because I issue them) and why you insist that you can't get UC because you're a student (PPs have rightly pointed out that you can). Where have you been getting your info from? You need proper advice from student welfare at your uni and/or citizens advice.

Also child maintenance (not sure if it's already been mentioned? I've only skim read), you should get this set up if the father isn't paying anything.

Lastly PPs have suggested Home Start which i think is a good idea.

Best of luck. It's hard to take on board advice sometimes when it all seems so impossible. But there is help out there.

I’m not local but also have a 4 week old and I’m totally in awe of you being a single Mum, having a C section and living in an upstairs flat! I really struggled after my section, can’t even imagine having to do all the night feeds etc on my own when tbh I couldn’t even get out of bed easily! I also had an infection 2 weeks after and wasn’t even waking when my LO one was crying as I was just so poorly!

So trust me, you are doing an even better job than you think! 💐 The fact as well that you want to get out as well is fantastic, I haven’t really felt up to it yet and especially not on my own.

I’d love to help, as I really hate the thought of you struggling but I’m not local, so don’t really know how I could but if you want someone who’s only a few days behind you to talk to then get in touch.

Also, this is my second and my experience when I first saw my DC2 wasn’t the same overwhelming feeling I had with DC1 who was a natural birth, not saying it’s everyone’s experience but I do think sometimes a section can add to that. Did you have anyone with you when he was born? A lot of it for me was seeing how happy my husband was that made me realise how special the birth had been.

Really hope GP appointment goes well xxx

Oh yes OP I must second the white noise machine. You can usually get them to hire cheap second hand on facebay and it changed my life. I got a gro penguin and i almost cried when it actually worked and DD settled at night. I know it's an added expense so may not be possible right now, but I also found that the washing machine or a radio works pretty well too

Also, do you watch YouTube? There are lots of Mum Vloggers who you might find relatable talking about their experiences.

Congratulations on your newborn OP. It will get easier, I promise.

A few people have suggested trying a sling. I have a closer caboo like the one below (used very briefly for DS1 and for a few months for DS2) but still in good condition. I was just about to pass to charity but would be more than happy to post it to you if your are interested please PM me.

www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk/caboo-lite-carrier-alloy-e6599.html?gclid=CjwKCAiA6vXwBRBKEiwAYE7iS7vhItcnhVIvg3yiSB9HcmmFYp-Z_J_0JYVyEV3J2ewEuBQN9b6OjRoCGy4QAvD_BwE

"Did you have anyone with you when he was born? A lot of it for me was seeing how happy my husband was that made me realise how special the birth had been."

For goodness sake did you not read the part where she said she was a single parent?!

Honestly. Some people are on a different planet!

No I was alone throughout my labour for whoever asked

For those saying the OP must be able to get UC, she may well be entitled to it and may be getting a small amount, but being a student and (possibly?) getting a maintenance loan from SFE can affect how much UC you are then able to receive. Just mentioning in case people think it's a case of claiming UC and getting some ready cash. It isn't. And student + UC is a tricky mix.

OP I'm so glad you're going to the GP, well done.