He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

Does your baby writhe and stretch his neck after feeding if you lie him down? If so, that's a classic symptom of silent reflux. DD needed to be fed sitting up, we had thickener from the GP to put into her formula, and we couldn't lie her down for 30 mins after feeding.

Don't expect to like him yet, Clair, difficult newborns are really horrific. How things are today is not what the rest of your life will be like.

I had one with reflux. It was miserable for both of us. The difference when we got the meds right was like night and day.
If he's not sick loads then it may be silent reflux where acid rises up from his stomach into his throat which happens less when he's upright. Baby Gaviscon is usually the first thing to try but it can make them constipated. Do make sure the GP looks at both of you and not just one of you. Don't worry about crying in front of the GP either.

Get him swaddled
My difficult baby is 10 now and I still get upset by people posting photos of happy babies on social media!
You’ll get some smiles in a few weeks time but just get through this stage however you can.
I found being around other people a lifesaver. Are there any sure start groups near you? Or even a church hall toddler group. Hopefully you’d find a kindly type who can calm him for you for half an hour while you have a cup of tea. I hope I don’t sound patronising-that’s exactly what I did.
I also ran into the clinic crying along with my baby and begged them to help me. They gave me the PND questionnaire which I filled in lying though my teeth as I was so ashamed of ‘failing’. Please don’t do that-be honest and get help x

OP, as said before, newborn babies is an incredibly hard stage, sleep deprivation is so tough, I remember it well, I once brushed my teeth with moisturiser instead of toothpaste I was that tired! It didn’t taste nice, but my teeth & mouth was smooth!

I’m sorry I only read the first pages of the thread & skipped through the rest, Did you go the gp? I hope you’ve managed to get some form of help, going through this alone must be hard on you. I did it with my husband and my parents & I still found it tough.

Meanwhile if you get any offers of help in RL, from friends take it, even if it’s just them popping round to watch baby while you sleep, don’t worry about anything else, ask them to make YOU a cuppa & a sandwich, it makes all the difference, equally, ask for help, it’s okay to ask.

It may have been mentioned already but does your baby have a dummy? I only ask as with my firstborn, we decided not to give her one, on the advice of my mum and my baby cried a lot. So when I had my 2nd, I knew straight away I was going to give him a dummy, it so much easier & calmer for us 2nd time and that’s what it’s about, making life easier for yourself & baby. Just a thought.

Hello. Gosh it sounds like life has been difficult for you. Here’s a link to homestart in Manchester they are a charity who support families in crisis www.home-start.org.uk/home-start-manchester
It might be worth dropping in to your local children’s centre as they may have access to support for both of you.
Also Citizens advice may be able to help you with accessing finances. In your area there is a baby bank called bubbaloo you will find it if you do a Facebook search. Baby banks can offer lots of different helpful items.
It may be worth going to your gp about your emotional well-being they may be able to access some support for you.
Are there any family members that may be able to help or support you even if it’s just a small bit. Please reach out to friends for emotional support they may be able to go to the gp or any other places with you.

It's years since mine were babies but I found that if I held them they stopped crying. I was told by many people that I would 'spoil' them but I don't believe you can spoil a baby.

Babies cry - I hated the noise - and so I either carried mine round all day or I put them in the pram, then pushed the pram back and forth while I watched TV and had something to eat and drink and generally had a few minutes to myself.

It's hard carrying them round all day but it's better than the crying which would drive me crazy.

Sleep when they sleep. Sod the housework, it's not important.

clairindespair

I'll tell you something I have never admitted before,not even to myself.

I never got that rush of love with my first that the magazines and television programmes and blogs online bleat on about,for the first 6 months after he was born I walked around like a zombie on auto pilot,I'd look around me and it felt like I was constantly on the outside of life looking in.

It was after 6 months of that I confided in my Dr and I was given support and diagnosed with PND and put onto medication,it took a while but after a few weeks of starting taking them I started to feel more human again,I started to look forward to things again and it felt like it had been such along time since that had been the case.

My oldest DS is now 23 and it all feels like a lifetime ago but at the time it felt like I was stuck in the same day replaying constantly of a baby that wanted to feed 24/7 and was always unhappy and crying(he had really bad colic)but I promise you get the support you deserve and things can and will get better,I'm no longer stuck in that loop and there is help for you and your liitle boy out there so you don't have to be stuck neither x

My LO was a nightmare when he was that age. He would not be put down at all, would just cry and scream because he wanted to be held. I was lucky in that I had my husband on hand when needed as well, but even then it was tough so your doing bloody well! In the end we did manage to get him to settle and sleep intermittently in a baby swing (maybe you could find one going free near you) and I think a lot of that is because he had reflux and it was the angle of the swing/people’s arms that made it a bit easier on him. Think of if this way - reflux is when stomach acid comes back up through your throat, I get it as well and it’s horrible. When laying flat it’s really easy for the acid to escape and it burns, but if your raised up slightly then the stomach contains it better and therefore it doesn’t burn. It’s pretty common with babies, so worth investigating. If he has help easing the symptoms it could help calm him and reduce the crying - just think what it must be like to be out in the world where it’s cold and bright and scary, and you are in pain but you don’t know why and you can’t move without help. That is not at all to say that it’s not hard on you, your doing fantastically. He is fed, clothed and looked after which is brilliant. Be sure to look after yourself as well though. It sounds as if you may have PND, which can be horrific (I know first hand) but things get better, take it day by day, make yourself eat and shower so you feel more like yourself, pass time by giving him cuddles while you watch your favourite films to help get that bond and ask the doctor advice on PND and reflux. If homestart can help even better!

It may feel like hell now, but down the road you will get out of this overwhelming haze and wonder how on earth you could ever live without him

Also read up on the 'fourth trimester' OP - it might help shed light on his behaviour.

I’m also scared to use my sling as if I have him physically attached to me like that, all my independence has gone. He is part of me, physically and he will be everywhere I go. I like the 20 seconds of alone time when I go for a wee or to get a drink

I understand this but you will still always have the option to put him down again, and perhaps you might feel a sense of liberation if you can combine him not crying with you having your hands free? It's as close as you can get to putting him back inside for an hour's peace to let your body do the sustaining by itself so your brain can relax. Even if you just practised with the sling so you had the option for nipping out quickly without the pram palaver, that could be useful - you needn't ever use it at home if you don't want to, but if it happens to work you'd then have the option.

Hi @clairindespair

I am not far away from you and also have a newborn. If you need to get out, need company etc, give me a shout xx

I felt compelled to comment as although my situation was different to yours my feelings were so similar. I was double your age, with a partner and ok financially and I still felt how you are feeling. I didn't feel at bond at the birth or 4 weeks in, if anyone said it gets easier at 12 weeks I wanted to punch them as I didn't think I could survive that long. At 6 weeks I would have happily handed him over and then within a couple of weeks it all turned around so dramatically. By 12 weeks I couldn't bear to be without him and the bond hit me like a brick, I didn't realise it at the time but I was still recovering from the birth and was definitely depressed. Some tips the other posters recommended helped so much.

1.Swaddling, really worked with mine

1. Baby sling, it was the only thing that kept him happy, I did everything wearing the sling, hoovering washing walking eating. Not the easiest but it gave me some peace.
2. Ask for help, I didn't as I was scared someone would guess I didn't enjoy being a mum. I so wish I had asked in hindsight

My boy is 15 now and we still have a special bond, I get him and he gets me. Hang on in there, get the help, you will get through it. You've already made the first step coming on here and getting the GP appointment. Hopefully they will help but if the GP doesn't help don't get down hearted, have a plan for the next step and good luck

You really do sound depressed, in that even if you didn't have a baby the way you write about how you're feeling sounds like depression. If you haven't ever had it before it can be harder to recognise. I'm sure the GP will be able to offer help with that - definitely take it.

I wish I could help you. If I was in Manchester I would come to you now. Please don’t feel bad. This is a tough period but you will get through it.

I’ve been through horrendously difficult times. It gets better.

Homestart would give you two hours of support a week which is not a lot but might help. They can also help you find local resources.

I’m so sorry you're struggling.

You've had some amazing offers of help, emotionally, financially and even people offering to come and physically help you, I really hope you take people up on these offers. Mn can be fantastic at times

If you’re one of the people who live local pm me!!

I’ve followed some advice and tried to rock him in his pram whilst I eat some food, resulting in some ham catapulting out my sandwich onto his head, it stopped him crying though

I’m so sorry lovely it’s really tough being a single mum it’s like a never ending cycle of despair. Not sure if this has been mentioned before but does the father or his family offer any help? 💐💐

Child benefit covers the cost of formula for a child. Have you made sure to claim it and any other UC or Tax Credits you're entitled to?

I can't offer anything new to what has been said above, but to add my reassurances:

• my 1st screamed for the 1st 3 months. There were 2 of us and we were still ground down by the incessant howling. It was absolutely, unrelentingly shit and we thought we had ruined our lives (no friends or relations - we had just emigrated). Your feelings of being overwhelmed are 100% reasonable. My God. It was awful, and my heart goes out to you doing this - and so very very well - on your own.

• I know that the sling sounds a bit horrifying at first, but really it is SO LIBERATING. None of that wrangling of a bloody awful, awkward heavy pram. The combination of screaming, wriggling baby, fucking awful pram and murderous stairs is not something that would encourage anybody to leave the house ever again! I get it! But with the sling, you're out the door and down the stairs on your own with no bullshit. Keep your changing bag to an absolute minimum so that you're not adding more weight to yourself to carry.

• It really really does pass. I know that sounds like the most trite thing you've ever read, and is ZERO help to you today, I know. But you haven't actually ruined your life as I 100% thought I had with my first. One morning a few weeks from now he will wake up and.... NOT CRY. It's the most incredible feeling in the world.

• Try swaddling. Helped hugely with mine, although in the end we found that she did best with her upper body swaddled and her legs free. She was a long, stretched out baby as opposed to a curled up baby, if you know what I mean.

• The headbutting is called "rooting" and is normal. It's his survival instinct.

• Do talk to the GP about Post Natal Depression. Even though everything he is doing is miserably normal for some small babies, the impact on your mental health is enormous, becuase you are constantly exhausted and being got at.

I wish I could give you a big hug and take him out for a walk for you right now so you could have an hour of peace and quiet.

So sorry IP, I was in the same situation with mine 36 years ago, new baby, single mum, student nurse. I had 6 weeks maternity leave and when I came back to work they put me on a 10 day night stretch the idiots.
Nobody tells you utterly boring new babies are, that's what got me. They are not cute and entertaining like puppies or kittens - I would have swapped any day.
They are vacant, scream and shit themselves and that's it.
I did not enjoy the newborn period one tiny bit.
Once he started to get bigger it was a different story and we had great fun, now he is an adult we are inseparable.
This will pass and it will pass quickly so don't lose hope.

If you scroll to 3 minutes in - you'll see how people even with a wealth of support cope or don't with a screaming baby.
I know it's a sitcom, but still........... It bears more resemblance to real life than a snatched photo when baby has shut up for a minute.

Op I haven’t read the full thread but I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have a 7 week old and a one year old and a ten year old, I am mentally drowning. Please please PM me, I’m in Essex so not near you but we could chat, it might help both of us x

Oh OP, I really am so sorry you are feeling like this.

I have no advice (luckily there are loads of posts much more useful!) but I just want to say that this isn't unusual or unheard of. I remember feeling incredibly similar when my DS was born. I felt I'd made a terrible mistake, couldn't feed him, he cried when I held him and stopped when anyone else did, he seemed to hate me. I remember sitting on the floor of the shower sobbing uncontrollably. It was an awful awful bleak time, I can only remember it as darkness.

He's 14 now and a lovely boy who I am proud of everyday.

But when I look at photos it does seem a sad time. I can't watch videos, it's just him babbling away while I fail to interact.

But it got better - it WILL get better for you.

As a student parent there are benefits you can claim, in addition your university will gave hardship funds. You do not need to be in receipt of benefits to get a food bank referral, ours doesn't even ask for referrals. Your hv should be able to direct you to support

Do you have a bouncer? I found one in a charity shop for £2 and he loves it. My mum bought a swing which was over £100 yet he doesn’t like it so it doesn’t even get used. I put baby in the bouncer with a baby sensory video on YouTube and he will watch that for ten minutes. Not that it’s a break for me as I still have the one year old to deal with but it allows me to play with him a bit without the baby stuck to me