He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

Mumsnet at its best!!

Hang on in there OP!
Better days are ahead!
Promise x

My DD was bottle fed with expressed milk for the first few weeks of her life
Breast milk and formula are different.

Yes - a baby with reflux will want to feed more as it seems like it settles their tummy - but it doesn't - it just worsens the problem. Ask anyone who actually bottle fed FORMULA.

You are entitled to universal credits whilst a student I’m sure someone’s already mentioned that but just in case

You've had lots of fab advice here already, but I just wanted to add how walks in the park, into town - wherever- were my saviour in the early days and months. No matter how much I didn't feel like it, or how tired I was, if I forced myself to, I always felt so much better for doing so. Fresh air good for little one as well.
Best of luck to you.

Where in Manchester are you? I live not far from Oxford Road, I can bring you formula and anything you might need and help you if you want sometime this week?

Ps I'm around your age and have a second hand babybjorn carrier you can have to make getting out easier

I remember the first few weeks with my newborn, after my section. I was in hospital 48hrs after, had got 2 hours of sleep and was an emotional and physical zombie. I had a very hands on DH as well so God only knows how you are coping alone with no break! You NEED a break, you NEED some support. You are doing amazing doing all this alone so far, actual superwoman. Being at breaking point is totally understandable - and asking for help is not a weakness or a reflection of your abilities you are just exhausted and no wonder. You are in crisis and deserve help.

Your health visitor sounds beyond shit and completely failing to recognise your needs. Sincerely hope you get some immediate practical help from your GP.

You may sleepwalk into local support groups and classes but please try to go, the support from other mums in particular is invaluable and will so help with your feelings of being alone and struggling. Other parents are the only ones who got me through the first few months when HVs, hospital feeding specialists etc. were all pretty shit for me once they exhausted the basic, generic advice and ran out of leaflets!

Good luck with your walk, OP! That’s a great first step and I am sure getting out in the fresh air for a bit will do you and baby some good

Hi OP I haven’t read the full thread but just to say I really hated my life with a 4 week old too. It gets better I promise, just keep both of you alive and fed is the main thing. Little by little it will get better all by itself as he gets older and his body begins to work a bit better.

Practical suggestions to help you get through the next few weeks:

• Look up the baby banks as PPs suggested. This one thelaunchproject.org/project/the-nappy-bank/ mentioned above is in Salford. There’s others on this map
• Sling - maybe from baby bank or ask to borrow one on a local website. If he has reflux a sling will be more comfy and it’s a lot easier than a buggy with no lift. He might sleep better in a sling (if you go for a walk) and if he sleeps more he will cry less.
• Home Start charity might be able to offer a visitor to help out once a week or so.
• Ask the Dr what support is available (have to say, mine was useless but hope yours is better!)
• Earplugs. When the crying gets too much put in some earplugs or headphones/music to give yourself a break.

Best of luck. You just need to keep going, it will get better.

Cluster feeding is more like 'grazing' for bottle fed babies, they just don't want to take the bottle in one go whereas some babies can't get it down quick enough. I found the guide on the tin re the amount was quite accurate, one of mine did take a lot more time over his bottle, so if he didn't finish it within the hour he'd end up having two within that time span. Sometimes enlarging the teat or going up a size works, because some babies don't want to suck too hard.
And a 4 hourly feeding schedule only works if you're using the hungry baby milk, which I believe isn't recomnended for newborns nowadays. Just my experience of FF 3 from birth (more or less), not arguing with anyone.
OP, with bonding, it usually does come, but it takes time, and you often just have to go through the motions, kind of faking it for a while, till it starts to feel more natural.
I think it's quite telling that you're not in contact with your Mum, because in the old days Mums used to learn all the practical side and little 'tricks' from their own mums and aunties.

Please speak you a tutor you like at your Uni, your academic advisor or head of your department and ask for support. If you were my student I would totally want to know you were going through this and offer some support. Do you have friends around that can help? I had my first baby while I was a student and it was really tough, I know how you feel. My friends really liked the novelty of having a baby around and would come over and at least sit with me or have the baby for an hour while I popped out.
There is Homestart in various parts of Manchester, they are great, please get in touch, also, google Children's Centres in your area and ask how they can help.
Please don't go through this alone.

Op, I think the fact that you are on here and being honest about how you are feeling and making a GP appointment shows what a great mum you are. You want to improve your situation for you and your son.

The newborn period was honestly the most boring time - they do nothing except cry, eat and sleep.

Please be honest with your GP - there is help available. I had PND and it is so all-encompassing. You can't escape your own head!

My DS is now 4 and just the best little boy. He is so loving.

Keep strong

You might feel better avmfter being out and about for a while. Even crapot chit chat with random strangers can make you feel a bit better. Sitting alone, letting everything run through your mind is a bad idea, trust me.
Where is the childs father? Even if he isn't contributing with care, which he should be, he has to contribute financially.
It will get better. People say that all the time but when you are actually lkving it, ut feels like forever, and it's fucking awful. One day you will think back to this time and feel like it was so long ago.

"Weirdly enough, depressed people recovering from major surgery while being solely responsible for feeding a newborn day and night don't tend to burst into song too often..."

Aimed at me, @ravenmum? I'll have you know that I had an emergency caesarean and was in hospital for a week as we were so unwell and I caught a water infection. Then I got PND. And yes I did sing.

With bottle feeding - there isn't any such thing as cluster feeding. It should be a bottle 4 hourly

This isn't true at all.
It sounds like you're doing a great job responding to your baby's feeding cues OP, let him tell you when he's hungry, there's no 'should' about it. As a PP commented, paced feeding and a slow flow teet can really help him control the pace of feeding and get what he needs.

As lots of previous posters have commented, it does get easier. I feel your pain so much but please be assured that it won't always feel like this. You're doing a super job with reaching out to your GP for help, well done. And a sling really was a game-changer for me as it made going outside feel much less daunting.

@Gogreen What a spectacularly unhelpful comment.

The OP is doing her best in tough circumstances. She’s posted on here because she’s struggling, she’s contacted her GP, she’s going to try and get out.

OP you are doing so well. This bit is shit, it really is but it doesn’t stay like this forever. Your baby will smile, cry less, need to feed less and it will get easier.

Lots of people have posted to say they are local to you and can help them - take them up on their offers. Take it one day at a time - you will get through this xx

Is it right the 4 hourly bottle thing comes from when formula was heavy and more calorie dense than breastmilk so literally made babies so full ?
Advice is now to feed on demand as modern formula is the same consistency and calorie value as breastmilk

OP somebody local upthread offered you Dr Browns Colic bottles..they were a game changer for me with DS. He cried constantly for 11 weeks. Totally sorted him out. Worth a try if you feel comfortable with it

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to make a few points that I hope are helpful.

• you can claim Universal Credit as a student if you are a single parent. They take your student income into account but you do get some money. I know this as I am a student and receive UC. They will give you an advance if it's your first claim.

www.gov.uk/guidance/universal-credit-and-students

• if you have a Salvation Army near you, their foodbanks can be accessed without a referral and they have formula milk

• it's normal for a 4 week old not to interact with/smile at you, this usually comes at about 6 weeks

• isolation will really not be helping, try to go out with your pram, some babies will settle being walked as well, which might give you some peace. A Children's Centre near you may have a coffee morning or similar for adult conversation.

• your Student Services at the university most likely has a Money Advice Service or similar that provides hardship funds and/or short-term loans.

I hope some of these help. I remember the newborn days as tough but they do pass and it does get better. Mine are 10 and 12 now so I did it twice!!!

At 4 weeks some babies don't do any interaction. It's normal so try not to let it get you down. Hwo will look after him when you go to uni

Hi Op. listen - I was your age when I had my first and was living with my mum and also had a partner and siblings close by. And I still felt shit!

I doubt there has been any woman in the history of the world who has had a baby and thought “this is so easy/amazing/wonderful - this is a doddle!!”. Even Meghan bloody Markle pretty much said she suffered from PND. So please stop beating yourself up for a start - he’s four bloody weeks old!
I feel for you - doing this alone must be so hard. May I ask what you are going to do with him when you return to uni? Is there really no one at all who can help, any friends who could take him for a walk for a couple of hours while you have a bath and read a mag?
There are lots of good suggestions in this thread but the main advice I can give is that this will pass, I promise. Newborn babies are not capable of hate - he doesn’t hate you. You really need to try and push aside your negative feelings and go outside for a walk - it will do you both good. This time of year is depressing and horrible and it’s easy for negative feelings to spiral (I’m guilty of it myself) but you have to talk to someone and get help or this could badly spiral and be dangerous for you and your boy. I wish you lots of luck and really, really hope You start feeling better soon.

I had an emergency section and believe me if you do too much it will cause problems.

Be very careful lifting the prom. If you can't gat a sling do you feel safe caring him in your arms just around the block?

Hope your walk goes well, good luck!