He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

@clairindespair I really can't help or offer advice as I've never been in this situation but I am sending you a great big hug. Things will get better for you - hang in there

@Gogreen I really don't think comments like that are acceptable. The OP is clearly in a difficult situation and is taking steps to improve it. Criticizing her when she's vulnerable helps no one. Knowing that a baby cries and causes sleepless nights is not the same as experiencing it, particularly when you are on your own and possibly suffering PND.

OP, I wish I was nearer and could come and help but you've had some great offers of assistance on here. You've contacted your GP, you're pursuing student finance, you've tried your HV (even if they haven't been helpful) - you are doing everything right to deal with your situation. Don't convince yourself you're not doing a good job, knowing you need help and seeking it is doing a good job.

Hugs x

I’ve felt down and overwhelmed from the second i held him. No bond, no love no nothing. Is that PND or am I just a shit mother who doesn’t like their baby. So many thoughts just fly round my head it’s doing my head in literally

This is all classic PND symptoms.
Lack of a bond is way more normal than people think but it's not talked about.
I went through the motions for a good 8-10 weeks after my son was born before I started to feel anything at all apart from irritation.
Intrusive thoughts is also a symptom - do you feel like your mind is rushing all the time and you can't settle down?
You feel overwhelmed because you are overwhelmed, but you will get through it with the right support
Like others say I don't believe that every mum has a rush of love but it does build slowly, I can't even explain how much love I now have for my son (2) and I could barely even look at him in the early days.

Oh and even if you are on the maximum student loan, you should still be entitled to some benifits.contact your local benifits center or citizens advice, if there is one. You can also do an online calculator to see what you are entitled to.

"Aimed at me, ravenmum?"
Aimed at the OP, who said that she didn't feel like singing. She's not feeling too good now, and I was pointing out that she shouldn't feel guilty if she isn't able to act like "Miss Perfect Mum" when she has so much to struggle with. I was supporting her and trying to make her feel better in this difficult time by adding a little humour.

@Gogreen I am aware babies cry thank you for such insight. However what I wasn’t aware of is how absolutely shit and useless id feel after giving birth. And what “life choices” may I add are the cause? I haven’t come on this thread stating that I love crack and drink 3 bottles of wine a night, every money I’ve had has gone on him and in regards to feeding him, I can and do feed him as I bought formula in bulk. So unless you want to comment something helpful, kindly do one

💐 handhold 💐
GP appointment sounds a great start.
There posters here with promising ideas.
Whatever you decide, you CAN do it!
You already asked for help, please accept it!
People are kind and they want to help ❤️❤️❤️

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've been there. I was lucky enough to have a supportive partner and I still felt the same way as you. It was awful.

Please be honest with your GP about how you're feeling and access help - you deserve it and so does your baby. Things will get better, I promise.

C0ntact a local church or other place of worship and the minister should be able to refer you to a food bank and possibly other means of support. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t a believer they will do what they can to help,you.

Ps: also there are some idiots here, just ignore them 😂❤️

Luckily I don’t need a food bank as I bought food in bulk and have plenty in (thankfully!) I don’t even care if I have no food anyway if I’m honest I don’t eat what I’ve got I’ve absolutely no appetite

OP - I see you still have some fight in you! That's a good sign... take the sensible practical advice and ignore anyone questioning why you are in the situ you're in, that's completely unhelpful and completely beside the point.

I felt the same as you at 4 weeks. I wish I could help you. I promise it will get better. I hated my son at 4 weeks and cried constantly. My friend, who is a gp with loads of support, admitted she wanted to put her new born in the bin. It is the extreme sleep deprivation and the reality that new borns dont give as much as a smile back. That will change soon. Dont feel guilty for not loving it.

Do talk to your health visitor or gp.

On a practical level a sling would be easier for you in a flat than a push chair. Might also settle the baby and keeps baby upright which helps them digest is they're windy.

He wasn’t due until 23rd of December and came on the 13th after two days of slow labour, during that time i went abit crazy and panic bought everything 😂

OP I was 27 when I had my dd. I felt exactly how you did. I wish to god if reached out and got help. I don't even know what I'd have done if I was at university, no way I'd have been ok.
Please please tell your doctor how you feel. There is support out there. It's ok to not love your baby at first it's ok to not be coping. That's why help is there but it is better to ask for it as nhs is pretty shit imo at giving it out easily.
I think you can do this! 4 weeks is so hard. I didn't bond with my dc until she was about 4 years old !! but before you despair at that length of time, I managed to get her into childcare at 6 months and went back to work and that's what saved me. It may be worth you thinking about how this might be able to work for you. You don't need to be with your baby 24/7 no matter what society makes you feel. Can you do this alone? Maybe not, this is why it's so important to speak out and say fucking hell this is hard and I need help.
All the best

Have you a home start in your area www.home-start.org.uk it won't be like this forever even though it feels like it

Hi OP, there’s been some excellent advice on this thread and so glad to see you’re feeling better already, just wanted to add a couple of things.

Listen to music through headphones/wear earplugs to drown out the crying. Sounds so simple but I never thought to do it at first until I read it on here one day and it really helps take the edge off.

Try playing different types of music/white noise for your baby to see if anything helps settle him. YouTube is full of it.

Getting out is important but so is human contact, even if it’s just mumsnet or having a chat with the checkout assistant in a shop.

Also, be honest with all professionals about your feelings/babies crying and do not let anyone fob you off. If you feel fobbed off, demand to see someone else until you get some help. It can be so hard not to just give up when you have so much going on and feel like you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing but you will get help if you shout loud enough. You shouldn’t have to shout but there you go.

It really does get better. I too can relate to how you’re feeling and my DS is now 4 and the light of my life.

We got back from our walk and now he’s just wailing and screeching. He’s clean, fed burped and warm. I have no idea what is going on. I’m at the end of my tether and have gone in the bathroom locked the door for 10 seconds and just screamed.

I look at him and hear this crying and cannot imagine a world where he will be the light of my life, or my best friend or anything other than a burden. The truth just falls out like vomit and it makes me feel sick. I am a horrible person.

Not adding to the advice as my baby days are too long ago for me to be that useful but I wanted to say hang in there. You sound bright and strong but lack of sleep and the crying torture are almost beyond human endurance. Take all the help offered. You will come through this and have a lovely happy smiley son soon I promise (and your life back although it will always be different now but different in a good way). I was a student when I had my first unplanned baby - wasn't an easy time and I don't know how I survived as family were 300 miles away and I had to take my finals 3 months after birth. Good luck x

Hi OP,

I think it does sound like you might have PND?

It sounds so tough though- you are struggling financially, mentally, with lack of sleep and with a huge change in lifestyle plus you've got absolutely no support. If you had a good support network, your student loan had come through and you were getting a chance to sleep things would be a bit different but you are also recovering from major surgery, birth trauma and stuck your apartment building- who wouldn't find that awful?

Your little baby doesn't hate you- his brain is not developed enough to have thoughts that complex- he just wants to be feel safe, warm and loved so try not to think that he dislikes you. He will smile at you, cuddle you, love you with time; just keep smiling at him and cuddling him until he can.

In terms of financial issues:

• Your University will have a 'Hardship Fund', which you will definitely qualify for so if you can email your uni and ask for the form to fill in and email back then that could help.

• As a parent, you may be entitled to Universal Credit as a student, try phoning or email Citizens Advice about this but the gov website seems to suggest you might get a reduced Universal Credit once they've taken Maintenance loan into account. I know that I was able to receive ESA whilst I was studying full-time because I am disabled and it seems like similar rules apply if you're a parent.

RE. Studies and getting back into things/seeing friends etc.

• May is really not far away; it's just a few months of making it through the day and things might feel so much better by then.
• Can you arrange for a friend from your course to pop by?

It might seem like things are going to stay like this forever at the moment but it's just a case of getting support and getting through the day. In a few months time things will feel so much brighter.

The issue I found with homestart and all those type of organisations was by the time they mobilised I was sorted and feeling 100% better. In my humble opinion OP you need someone to make you a cup of tea and a piece of cake. The NCT are great for this, try and find your local one. Loads of mums that love a newborn snuggle and will happily hold him for you whilst you have a moment of peace.

Just seen your latest post - yep, done that too. I stood out on the fire escape one night as she screamed and screamed in her cot as I had no idea how to make it stop. You are not horrible. Looking after a newborn alone is one of the hardest things in the world.

Do you have home star in your area? I have a volunteer once a week for 2 hours just to help with my two little babies.. one is almost 1 year old other one is 6 weeks old and im a single mom i feel you.. my 6 weeks old baby was non stop screaming and i hide i the toilet for 5 minutes just not to hear the screams.. then i calm down..can you try to change his milk to comfort milk? I tought students are eligible for benefits.. your health visitor sucks.. ask for another one or call social services for help.. they are helpi me non stop t y won’t take the baby they will help you out

Wood Street Mission

Contact wood street mission. They are a Manchester based charity designed for Mum's, Babies, children, families.

I'm really sorry I've not been able to read the full thread but massive hug. Really big hug. Well done on making a GP appointment.