He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

Thank you for all the advice xxxx

Yes I do have a pram it’s a travel system one

Oh bless you, when DS was 4 weeks I cried because I was jealous of someone who didn’t have a baby! Please get to a dr or sympathetic medical person for help. I had lots of help and it was still so hard in those early weeks. For what it’s worth the older he has got the easier I have found it and I bloody love being his mum now.

P.S Oh yes, swaddling is the business! It saved my sanity. Do it!

I absolutely promise you, things will get better.

Mine always settled best in the pram, in the house as well as outside. They loved movement. Worth a try.

@clairindespair It sounds as if you are perfectly normal - not an evil or unnatural Mum- and you are in a very tough situation.

Except on the maternity ward, it isn't the usual thing to hand an unknown child to anyone who's just woken up from a major internal operation.

If you've just had something small out - say a kidney - people expect you to need love and care. They don't suddenly give you a 24 hour a day job and total responsibility for someone else's life.

I agree with other pps.
It definitely sounds like PND.
My friend had it years ago and she was in similar situation with no support in a different country.
Things changed rapidly for the better when she was given help and support and medication.
If you think you may struggle talking to GP today...write it all down and hand them your notes...use what you have written here if you cannot think straight.
Also contact you Health Visitor and give her the same notes to read and hopefully they will be able to get you some support even if it's just short term.

Have a look at the "Grow in Tameside" group on Facebook too. They always have info about groups that are on.

@LaurieMarlow he is the same to an extent, his pram is his bed now as it’s the only place he will entertain sleep

Hi clairindespair. Things sound very tough for you, newborns are all take take take and give not a lot back! I’m really glad you have a GP appointment. Make sure you tell them how you’re feeling in yourself as well as talking about the issues with your baby. You’re doing an amazing job - even if it doesn’t feel that way. You’re looking after your little boy even though you’re feeling like this. As the weeks pass it should get easier but you may have PND which you’ll need support with.

I know you don’t like going out but a change of scene may help a bit and give you both some fresh air. Try a sling and just a short walk. Let us know how you get on, you’re not alone. Xx

Where is the father? He should be helping.

I'm so sorry to read this and equally sad for you both. Having a baby is life changing and I really struggled when my lg was born. I didn't feel the rush of love etc and it took me a long time to feel a bond. I would strongly urge you to go and see your GP. I would also be contacting Social Services if you feel this strongly. The baby could have reflux andb be on the wrong milk. Please go and get help for you both.

You have had some brilliant advice here Op, newborn babies are damn hard work with very little reward. I second white noise and swaddling. After a feed wrap him up tight so his arms cant flail around but some white noise on under the cot (you tube, hoover running). Please please don't stay in day after day that will make you feel even more down and please take up the offers on here from women that are nearby and are offering to meet up.

he is the same to an extent, his pram is his bed now as it’s the only place he will entertain sleep

I would have been lost without walks in the pram.

I know going out is difficult, but is there anywhere you like to go, that you would enjoy, that you can take a stroll to and make that the thing you do one day?

I've just skimmed your replies on this thread OP, not the other posters, so apologies if I'm repeating anything.

With bottle feeding - there isn't any such thing as cluster feeding. It should be a bottle 4 hourly.

It sounds like he has reflux aka colic. I think it's like heartburn. The only thing that worked for mine was Infacol before every feed and you have to be religious about this. You and they will suffer if you don't use it religiously.

Re not liking baby? Who in their right mind would like a baby who intrudes on your life, robs you of all sleep, screams at you all day and makes you question your sanity? Nobody. That's who. We love the little blighters, but we don't necessarily like them.

Re baby not liking you? Impossible. It's YOUR voice he heard all through pregnancy. It's you who comforts him, feeds him, cares for him. He adores you in his own, eye scratching way.

Re the rest? You, like me, have all the risk factors for PND. Single, no support, financial worries, colicy baby, sleep deprivation, possibly heart break re father etc. etc. Your GP will help with that.

Can I just say that you are doing brilliantly!

2 tips:
Infacol. It's 7-8 quid. I too would love to post you some. PM me your address if that doesn't make you uncomfortable.
Warmth. It's bloody freezing now, so you would need heat on full blast for a baby not to wail during changing - why? Because they get cold. If you have a heater - move changing mat close to heater for changes. Likewise with sleeping - if they're cold - they won't sleep. If they're not asleep, they're likely to be screaming. If you can't afford much heating - swaddle.

Believe me, you're doing great. Just the same as every single other mother is doing. Except with no support. Which means you're doing 10 times better.

With bottle feeding - there isn't any such thing as cluster feeding. It should be a bottle 4 hourly

Um, that strikes me as outdated bollocks. Isn’t there a move towards bottle feeding on demand?

He does cluster feed, he has 2 bottles in an hour sometimes

I’m so sorry. I promise it gets better.

1. Ask for a different health visitor or find your GP
2. Call Homestart today
3. Get a sling. So much easier to take them out in than huge prank if you have loads of stairs. I know you’ve no money but freecycle etc might help
4. You need to find out about local groups so you can get out. You’ll go mad otherwise.

Than a huge ‘pram’ Not prank

I'm another one for Infacol, Our first was windy colic baby and infacol really helped with the reflux. GP will give it to you on prescription, talk to GP about it.

Is it worth reaching out to the father for help? At the end of the day he is the baby's father and if he is a halfway decent person he should be willing to help parent his baby.

Some really lovely advice from posters OP. I hope you take some of them up on their offers of help.

First of all, I'm 33 and always been desperate for kids but I haven't got them yet and I don't know how the fuck I would cope doing it solo - you are doing SO WELL. You're keeping him safe. He's fed, warm and being watched. That's enough for now, I promise.

Secondly, please do get out your notes on your phone and write down a brain dump of how you are feeling - a list of what you are worried about and what might help you (including the things on this thread that people have suggested).

When you feel as low as you do now, as nonsensical as you know it is, I know it feels impossible to just crack on and ring a million people and fight for help. I've been there and ended up just frozen feeling overwhelmed and not knowing where to start. And that was without another little life to think about, so you have so much on your plate.

It sounds very much like friends of mine who have had PND so do not feel like you're being mean or doing "mumming" wrong. You're doing all the bits he needs and that's enough for now.

When ive been low, Mumsnet has been a lifeline for me. If you feel it will help, use it as a place to vent. Someone on here once put all the things suggested on my thread into a numbered list for me to work my way through and I updated everyone as I went. That may be too much to cope with at the moment but that kind of thing helped me loads.

Lots of us are here and willing to support you

He just eats and falls asleep there’s absolutely no interaction at all
He’s four weeks old. That’s just what babies are like. I remember at six weeks old I threatened to hand my baby to social services because he was too much to cope with. I also threatened suicide. I was hoping to frighten someone into actually helping me. It’s not a nice period - you’re recovering from surgery and you just want to rest, your body isn’t adapted to having no sleep, you’re full of hormones and you’re grieving your loss of freedom. I genuinely believe that “post natal depression” is just a normal reaction to extreme exhaustion, having this huge burden thrust upon you and your freedom taken away.

Some councils have services for mums who need support, they send out a care worker to babysit and give you a few hours break once a week. Getting out to some support groups will also help. You need to talk to your HV. Things will get better but it’ll probably be a few months before baby is capable of the kind of interaction you’re looking for.