He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

[clairindespair]

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

It definitely sounds like PND and they need to take it seriously and get you the right support. Do NOT let the GP just fob you off with antidepressants, you need actual support and they can make things a bit worse before they help (I'm not saying don't take them if prescribed but they need to go hand in hand with the right perinatal mental health support), maybe see if he can refer you to the specialist perinatal CMHT and if at any point you were having thoughts to harm yourself or your baby (these thoughts can happen, often very intrusive that you have no control over and are scary and distressing) get yourself to A&E to be seen by the mental health liaison team, they can refer to crisis /home based treatment teams for your mental health and further support can be put in place with social services too (and again this doesn't mean removing child but getting the right support and doesn't mean things won't get better or that you're a bad mum etc)

Pop some music/radio on. It won’t fix anything immediately but it will stop the silence you’ve been sat in. Only have a child screaming for company will destroy you. Break the silence.

Well done for getting help. It’s a massive step. The first few months are just horrific. Xx

Hello everyone,

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Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope you get the financial side of things sorted soon, those sorts of worries might also be affecting things. Take the advice of the good women here of Mumsnet, they know a great deal, and a tentative congratulations on the birth of your baby. It's tough, this bit, we know...

@clairindespair You say you are starting to hate him and that he seems to hate you. These are very strong negative words and you may have PND which will need treating to keep both of you safe. You sound at the end of your tether with feeding and sleep deprivation. To me that is a dangerous situation for both of you. You need help. If you have literally no other support available then SS will support you with short term fostering until you can get better and cope with the finances and a small baby.

Either you are telling the truth about how desperate your situation and feelings are or you are overdramatising things for attention. I don't know which but you need help both mentally and in physical terms

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I had my first child at 19 and it was hard so I know how much of a struggle it is and how much you have to grow up but you seems to blame your baby (he hates me, he cries all the time, I can't cuddle him as he head buts me, he feeds all the time....) he never asked to be born and you need to grow up and take responsibility or your actions instead of putting everything onto a 4 week old baby. Take charge 21 is not young plenty of mothers have been younger and coped it's not easy but whoever said raising a baby was easy? I believe you can do it but have to stop complaining about your son and be the adult and look after him even if it's hard.

1. I’m not going to hurt my child
2. I don’t want short term fostering
3. I’m not dramatising anything for attention.
4. go away

You’re not a shit mother, far from it. If you were you wouldn’t be on here looking for help and advice!!
First of all well done for getting this far on your own! My son is 10 months and I still feel like my head is up my arse some days and that’s with a supportive husband.
Those first 4 months I found hard, when he didn’t interact I didn’t have a clue what was wrong with him and felt the same as you- I was shit, he hated me, and I was then diagnosed with PND and I now take sertraline which has helped massively.
It’s hard now, so so hard but you’re a warrior and you will get through this, the two of you will. So glad you’re seeing your GP, and take the help from those on here who live locally to you !!
Sending you all my love xx

@clairindespair it’s true though! Look at this thread, so many people get it. What you are doing is asking for help and that’s so hard when you are right down low. It’s the right thing to do and I think just asking about it and getting the thoughts out of your head helps. They become a lot less powerful when they’re not spinning round your brain. GP first step xx

I have felt similar in the past and it was horrid. I broke down to my gp and got help for pnd. A few weeks later things got way better. I would try and go for a walk once a day or even every other day. Just to have some interaction. It really does help so much! Xx

Lots of love, you are not a shit mum, the first few weeks can be incredibly tough and I imagine even more so as a single mum with no family around. The first couple of months with my eldest were really difficult, and I found it hard to bond with him, but it does come.

I agree that you need someone to talk to, are you still under the midwife or just the HV now? I would try talking to her even if she seems a bit useless. And whilst it is hard work trying to get out of the house with a newborn, it might help a little if the HV could suggest any new mum groups you could go to, so you could talk to others in the same situation

@tjk10 I do look after him.... I’ve never said I don’t.

@clairindespair - my heart goes out to you, love, and I just wish I was in your area, to offer some practical help.

One thing - have you tried swaddling the baby? I found that helped a lot with my babies, when they were little - it gives them a sense of security almost like being back in the womb. If you think about it - towards the end of pregnancy, there's not much room in there, so they get used to that sensation of being tightly surrounded, and it must feel really odd and quite scary when they are born and that goes away.

Swaddling would also mean he couldn't hit or scratch you.

I'm sure there are swaddling videos online, but basically all you are doing is putting the baby onto a blanket and winding it across their chest, with their arms inside the blanket - firmly but not too tight.

Also, I don't know if anyone has suggested it, but I used dummies with all three of mine, and they were a godsend - they helped to comfort them when they were inconsolable. Yes, you will have to wean them off the dummy later - but that is months down the line - mine had theirs until they were a year old (not all the time, but available when they needed them, day and night) and after a year old, they were just for bedtime/naptime. Then at around 2, we took them and the dummies to a shop and swapped them for a toy.

I hope things go well at the GP today, and you come away with some more support and practical help. I'm sending you a big hug.

What about the church? They may be able to offer some advice. I'm not religious and do not attend church but I did recieve some help when my son was young. No one tried to talk about god. I just had a cuppa and cake.

I really feel for you, it’s bringing back my first experience of having a baby, in a flat on my own, single mum. It’s depressing.

What got me through was accessing help through sure start and meeting other mums. There will be a single parent group for gingerbread in Manchester surely?

I got depressed going out and about seeing other happy couples going about with their baby, so I get you.

As an aside my baby is now 12 year old lad and we have so much fun together, go to cinema and festivals! He loves his mum

He hates his dummy I can only get away with using it for 5 minutes whilst his bottle cools - then he realises nothing comes out of it and spits it out hahaha he doesn’t like wasting his time at all

I will look at the swaddling videos too!

I do look after him.... I’ve never said I don’t.

Then he's already getting absolutely everything he needs. (And you should pat yourself on the back for that -- it's not easy, especially when feeling as low as you are.) The priority now is to make you feel less despairing in the short to medium term until life improves.

Darling, I'm so sorry you feel like this. I absolutely hated the early weeks of my son. Small babies are so unrewarding and exhausting. I just wished he hadn't been born. Please get any help you can, and I promise you it will get better. I found after 3 months things started to improve. It's tough for you on your own and you are so very young. If you could try to get outside it might help - a second hand or Freecycle baby carrier (so you can get fresh air without a pram). I hope you feel happier soon.

Are you using the flat dummies? My two hated those. They loved the cherry-ended dummies.

I’m so sorry you are struggling, them first 6 weeks are really tough even with plenty of support, newborns really don’t do much at all. Babies only smile from about 6 weeks so you do feel like you are getting absolutely nothing back in terms of interaction. Are you sure your baby is feeding ok etc, they do cry a lot as newborns as it is the only way they can communicate but screaming constantly isn’t normal, they should feed, wind and then settle.

There have been some good suggestions here, getting a sling and getting out is a great idea, it really will help just getting out the house for a walk. Maybe checkout if there are any baby groups locally, churches often run free/£1 donation groups (they aren’t religious just in church halls). I’ve gone to a few over the past few years they are great for meeting mums and making friends.

I hope you can get some immediate support both practical and financial, the local food bank should be able to help, I don’t think you have to be on benefits to access them. It’s also worth contacting uni too, they’ll have a hardship fund which you should be able to access in your situation. Did you also apply for the surestart grant (if they still do them) it’s £500 and being a student shouldn’t make a difference to your eligibility. I didn’t know they existed until 12 months after I had my first child (I was a full-time PhD student when I had my first child) It was too late for me to apply so I didn’t get it. Make sure you apply if you haven’t already.

Oh you poor thing. I’m not a doctor but it sounds like PND. I had it with my first, and felt the exact same as you. Speak to your health visitor or GP about how your feeling.
Try the swaddling, I also used to stick mine in their pram and just push it round the house (even with just my foot while I rested after c section) to get them to sleep. Might be worth a try?

Do you have a pram OP?

Oh OP I want to give you a hug.
4 weeks old - I didn't get smiles or coo from baby at that age, had to wait until about 12 weeks I think. So it's def not you! Your baby loves you and you are doing everything you can.
Gripe water given to baby in a spoon when he feeds may help his tummy feel better and get wind out (formula is very windy). Baby's and new mums get small ailment medications direct from the chemist (here in Scotland not sure about England) if you bring baby and baby's red book to the chemist they can give you gripe water and liquid paracetamol and all sorts of other minor medications over the counter for free.
Gripe water is also in Tesco is about £3 a big bottle lasts ages, I know ur tight on money so try the free chemist service - gripe water did wonders for mine.
Agree with other posters that you should have more income so pls call the citizens advice.
Please tell ur gp that your hv is making you feel worse and you want a referral to Homestart ( it's a free home help service for new mums and is brilliant! They can look after baby whilst you get some sleep, they do household chores and will help you get out of the house, carry your pram and your shopping etc. Your HV should have referred you already do it's bad they haven't done this for you. Your HV should also have given you info on local mum baby groups for you to go to. Again complain to GP that they haven't done that for you.
Please pop into your library as they usually have mum groups - please go along to one - I know it's a huge effort but it will be worth it to make friends with other mums, they will help you and probably give you stuff their baby has grown out of (my baby group shares stuff like nappies, clothes, sleeping bags, toys, etc).
Keep reaching out for help OP xx

OP I'm in Tameside and I have a 12 month old. I know exactly how fucking hard it is those first few weeks!
I have a couple of baby things spare - a play mat and some bits and bobs like a bottle warmer. You're welcome to them. I've got some Dr Browns Anti Colic bottles that we won't need very soon. I think I may have some infant gaviscon left too.

PM me if you need any of those things.

My DD vommed all the time and the only thing that helped was anti-reflux milk.

We found white noise and tilting her bed helped so much. You tube is good for white noise, they have 10 hour recordings!

The first bit is really hard. No-one talks about it. I had my first at just turned 25 and it gave me THE RAGE that no-one had mentioned how hard it would be, like some kind of conspiracy to make new mums feel shit and as though they must be somehow defective if they don't bond with their baby.

Well I'm here to tell you that you aren't shit of defective. It's normal and quite common not to fall madly in love with your child the moment they are born. This can happen if you have PND, and also even if you don't have PND. You can be rich, poor, have loads of support, or none. Sometimes it just takes time.
I started to bond with mine around the 4-6 week mark, but it was tentative and slow. by the time he was 6 months I felt there was a bond there, but it was only around 12 months that it really came up to speed and I felt the deep raging motherly love that you read about.

So - please don't judge yourself super harshly. I promise you it is more common than you think. You are taking care of your baby's needs, and are doing everything right. This makes you a good mum. You are also reaching out on here for support - this makes you a good mum too. You don't have to feel the crazy overwhelming rush of love, it will come in time and take you by surprise. And it will get easier.

Do accept the local offers of support, you will look back in a few months and be glad you did. If I was nearer I'd come and have a cuppa with you and bring you some cake. Take it easy. x