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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

999 replies

clairindespair · 14/01/2020 09:12

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

OP posts:

cutietooties · 14/01/2020 11:06

I'm so sorry you feel like this, I know what it's like to have a baby that's hard to settle and the lack of sleep plus the hormones can cause you to get very down, but just know your doing great! All new mums go through a period where they are completely overwhelmed and it gets easier, you will find your rhythm and before you know it he will be interacting and this will all be a distant memory! See your gp and try and get out of the house, even for a walk or a mums and tots group, it's great for meeting people! Also.. try and stay off social media, I think it can contribute to depression because people like to portray the perfect life and that doesn't help when your feeling like this. Your doing a great job x

Original poster

clairindespair · 14/01/2020 11:07

I’ve felt down and overwhelmed from the second i held him. No bond, no love no nothing. Is that PND or am I just a shit mother who doesn’t like their baby. So many thoughts just fly round my head it’s doing my head in literally

OP posts:

reetgood · 14/01/2020 11:08

I feel a lot of empathy for your situation. I was older and had more support, it still hit me like a ton of bricks

I think it was around this age that I turned up at my Gp slightly wild eyed - our problem was reflux.

I think what you are doing in this thread is what I started doing, which is just blurting the truth. I found it helpful, I hope this thread is helping you too.

You’ve had lots of great signposting so I won’t do that. I will share that I found the baby stage hard and I never got the rush of love that some people talk about. I wasn’t depressed, i don’t think. I was having a reasonable response to unreasonable circumstances! Everything about newborns is unreasonable. All you can do is just try and deal with the unreasonableness of it. It is ok to not have that connection right away, you can still care for and do the best for your son. I found it helpful to put in little milestones and in particular things to get me through the nights. I got a bit obsessive about leaving the house, and walked miles with him in a sling once I could get about (I also had c-section). Do you have any friends who can hang out with you for a bit? It’s that thing of breaking up the days. Getting through a few hours is easier when it’s not endless hours stretching out ahead.

My son is now 2 and the past year has felt like I’m starting to find my way of doing it. Not everyone is a baby person. I get that when you’re staring down the other end it feels bleak. I promise it will get better, especially if you can find the energy to get help for yourself and your son. You both are totally deserving of support xxx

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 14/01/2020 11:08

I felt a mess most times when I was outside, but honestly I could feel that it was doing me good so didn't give a monkeys what I looked like. People see a tiny baby and aren't expecting you to look amazing! But you know what - they aren't even looking at you, they're thinking about themselves and their own lives/issues/getting to work/whatever.

AuntLydiasSteelyArmPitHair · 14/01/2020 11:08

Oh op, my heart breaks for you.I was in your shoes at 19 and then 20 when I had my babies and I had hideous pnd and was very isolated.

I'm not far from you, if you want a coffee I would be more than happy to meet up and have a chat.

cloudydaysindecember · 14/01/2020 11:08

Again, it's normal to think things like that, your brain is trying to rationalise why you feel the way you do. Just try to take each day as it comes, accept how you're feeling and just get through.

Try to do little things that are nice for you, have a cup of tea, watch your favourite show. This will pass, it will get better.

I have boys and I have a girl, no difference as to how hard/easy they were as babies and my closest bond is actually with my eldest boy with whom I had PND and struggled to bond. It's almost like we went through so much together we have a special link.

2beautifulbabs · 14/01/2020 11:08

Op bless you it's so tough those first couple of months and your doing amazing to have gotten this far on your own with no support I had a c section and I had the help of my DH and mum with DD and my DS I think I would have cracked up the first night without support

Do you have any other family members or close friends you can ask for help and by help I just mean to come and watch the baby for you to get some decent sleep I find that helps the most when you get a chance to catch up on sleep yourself or even having a shower to make you feel freshened up.

Defiantly try and pluck up the energy easier said than done to go out for a walk with baby that will also do you some good and the motion of the pram will help your little one sleep allowing you perhaps the chance to sit someone for a coffee and a breather.

I wouldn't worry about what you look like going out people really won't be paying attention all they will see is a mum with a newborn that's all

There's baby banks close to where I live not sure if there are by you were they have clothes toys and stuff for mums that have been donated could you look at something like that all you need is a referral from your HV or even a midwife if your still under care due to c section?

Hang on in there op it tends to get a little easier once baby is 8 weeks old

Maybe if you haven't already done so contact some of the pp on this thread that have suggested they live close to you to take some advice from them or even meet up with them

All the best with your GP appointment tell them everything don't hold back they won't be there judging you they are there to help you

Slobbymummy · 14/01/2020 11:09

I am also in tameside, I would be more than happy to chat or meet for coffee, or help in any other way

BendyLikeBeckham · 14/01/2020 11:09

CMPA and reflux often go hand in hand. They are guess diagnoses until baby is allergy tested which the nhs does at about 12 months old. So if enough symptoms are there, they are treated as if they have it. It takes 2 to 4 weeks on a special formula to see any difference in CMPA.

This website is excellent www.cowsmilkallergy.co.uk

All your responses point to PND, OP. You can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, despite so many helpful suggestions here, you don't want to go out, you don't feel any joy, you feel very very hopeless and negative.

At the GP today, tell them you need to discuss two things: Your possible PND, and baby's possible reflux and/or CMPA. Don't leave until you have expressed how desperate you feel, and until the GP has offered you some practical help (antidepressants, food bank voucher, referral to paediatrician, gaviscon, special formula, etc)

yellowallpaper · 14/01/2020 11:09

I would contact social services and ask for short term fostering if no other help is available to you via friends and family. The situation you are in is bad for you and dangerous for the baby.

Horehound · 14/01/2020 11:10

Honestly the rush of love and a bond didn't happen for me as soon as he was born and I don't think that's uncommon actually. It's like having a little stranger in your life.
But it does come and you will know it when it happens.

LaurieMarlow · 14/01/2020 11:11

I’ve felt down and overwhelmed from the second i held him. No bond, no love no nothing. Is that PND or am I just a shit mother who doesn’t like their baby

It ridiculously normal to feel this. So many on here have shared similar. It’s just that it’s taboo to talk about it very openly.

You’re not a shit mother, you’ll get through this, your bond with your child will grow and develop and you’ll never look back.

reetgood · 14/01/2020 11:11

Oh! And once I was really blunt on Facebook that I was having a hard time ( in response to someone saying something really annoying like ‘treasure every moment’). It was like I’d put out the new parent bat signal. I got such great support from friends and lots of parents met up with me or sent kind messages. I think being honest about it is good. More people have been here than you think and they want to help x

FramingDevice · 14/01/2020 11:11

A lot of mothers don't love their baby for months. The 'rush of love' is largely mythical, as far as I am my circle are concerned. Why would you love someone tiny and demanding who's visibly not impressed at being out of the womb, and who in the short term is making your life much more difficult? In my experience the love comes later, and there's no need to worry about not feeling it now, or trying to force it. You're looking after him -- that's absolutely all he needs at the moment.

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 14/01/2020 11:11

@yellowallpaper
There's loads of support available, OP just needs to access it. A young first time mother finding it all a bit much is hardly 'dangerous' for the baby,.

Original poster

clairindespair · 14/01/2020 11:12

“Dangerous for baby”
Never once have I mentioned I neglect or hurt him so no, it isn’t dangerous for my baby at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

clairindespair · 14/01/2020 11:13

@reetgood new parent bat signal hahahaha

OP posts:

LaurieMarlow · 14/01/2020 11:13

Yeah cause short term fostering is a barrel of laughs for the baby.

Ffs.

AnuvvaMuvva · 14/01/2020 11:13

Gripe Water saved my life when DS1 was a baby. It gets all the burps up, and stopped him crying. Babies can have it from 4 weeks old. Get it from a chemist.

DesLynamsMoustache · 14/01/2020 11:13

I don't believe in the 'rush of love'. I believe in a rush of hormones, but real love takes time to build. We don't fall in love instantly. I didn't get a rush of love - love came so gradually I didn't realise until one day I looked at her and realised how fiercely I did love her. But it certainly wasn't when she was born! It'll come.

Middleagedmidwife · 14/01/2020 11:14

Please go and see GP, you need help with PND I think. You also need financial help, go see CAB for advice about what you can claim etc.
My daughter was at uni and had a baby, she was able to claim quite a lot from student finance.

LIZS · 14/01/2020 11:15

Melodramatic @yellowallpaper op is not a danger to her child just seeking reassurance and support.

nobunfight · 14/01/2020 11:15

As a single parent you are entitled to HB if renting and child tax credits. You'll also be able to receive a student grant which is payable to those with dependents. Added to which your student loan should increase now you have a dependent.

There are no new claims for those benefits. Has to be universal credit and students are worse off on that so she is probably right she won't be entitled.

Urkiddingright · 14/01/2020 11:16

I never had the immediate rush of love either and I think PND does come hand in hand with traumatic births which mine also was.

You are recovering from major surgery, you have no family support, your HV is crap (some of them really just are) and your newborn may have colic or reflux so cries most of the time. You’re also a first time Mum and parenting does not come with a handbook, I remember being dumped with my DS about two hours after he had been born and expected to just know how to do everything. Nobody is really there to teach you, you just have to wing it and hope for the best. It’s a difficult time for anyone but it’s made a billion times worse when you’re isolated with no support.

You’re definitely not doing anything wrong, I just wanted to say that. There’s nothing wrong or abnormal about you at all, PND is completely normal and happens to women from all stretches of life. You will get better with help and time.

Original poster

clairindespair · 14/01/2020 11:16

Everything is universal credit now and because I get a big student loan I’m not entitled to anything except money for him which has been sent off just waiting for processing

OP posts:

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