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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He’s 4 weeks old and I hate my life

999 replies

clairindespair · 14/01/2020 09:12

Hi I’m gonna get so much shit for this but I absolutely hate my life after having my son. Birth wasn’t pleasant resulting in emergency c section and I am in a financial crisis after student loan hasn’t been paid leaving me with 70p as formula just siphons my money (unable to BF)

He screams for food and doesn’t do anything else. Just screams. Cluster feeds all through the early hours of the morning. I’m a single mum and have no one, I’ve had 4 hours sleep in 5 days and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. My house is a mess cos I have no energy or time to clean it. I am stuck on a third floor with no lift and feel so isolated as I can’t even find the energy to take his pram down the stairs in 3 bits then reassemble it. He doesn’t smile or coo or make any noise except a horrific cry and the occasional grunt. Just cries and looks blank most of the time. I’m starting to hate him. I want my old life back. I’m off uni till May and I want to go back now. I’m so fed up. I hate my life.

OP posts:
hels1987 · 14/01/2020 10:50

I live in Stalybridge OP and have a 9 week old baby girl if there is anything I can do to help you please don't hesitate to let me know. Even if it's just a brew and a chat x

Monstermoomin · 14/01/2020 10:51

Hey OP, sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. I had an emergency c section and I think it can impact the bond initially because it's quite traumatic and so mentally and physically difficult recovery.

It's good you have a GP appointment but you will need to be firm and direct as they can be a little useless. I speak from experience when I saw a number of professionals and cried telling them I couldn't cope and was met with comments such as 'oh dear' 'that's what babies are like' etc.
I was lucky to have family support around me so sorry this isn't your situation.
It might be worth contacting your local children's services to ask for early help type referral, this isn't to remove children but family support workers can help with things like benefit entitlement or vouchers etc and signpost to supportive services and groups.
Can i ask how they ruled out CMPA?

Original poster
clairindespair · 14/01/2020 10:52

I’m not a troll and don’t want anything from anyone except neutral ground free of judgement to talk about how I feel.

I’ve got confused with CMPA and dairy intolerance! I will mention CMPA to GP today as well.

OP posts:
MissB83 · 14/01/2020 10:53

OP I am sorry I haven't managed to read the whole thread but didn't want to read and run.

This really does sound like PND. I felt very similar in the early days and also had a C section, traumatic birth, no sleep etc. Please be as honest as you can with your GP. I found the earliest days the hardest personally.

Is your baby sick a lot? The scratching and head butting sounds like my son who had terrible wind and reflux which made him squirm around when I held him. I didn't really learn to burp him properly until he was a few weeks old. It's important to hold them upright for a while and give them a really good rub on their back and bottom and make sure they get all those burps up.

I can see it's not super helpful to suggest buying slings and carriers when you don't have a lot of money, and it's really hard when you can't get your pram downstairs. I don't imagine you are able to leave it downstairs anywhere? If you have any large scarves or pieces of other stretchy material you might be able to use that to make a sling, baby will still be so tiny so as long as he's securely wrapped to your body he should be fine for a 5-10 min walk outside which will probably help clear your head?

Horehound · 14/01/2020 10:53

Cmpa is such an overused diagnosis.
I got sucked in to that world for a about two months. He doesn't have it and all the symptoms are like that of a normal baby.
I'd only be concerned if he has face rashes or swelling especially because the baby is on formula I think the op would know...

MissB83 · 14/01/2020 10:54

Also try getting an app called Mush which is a good way to meet new mums x

cloudydaysindecember · 14/01/2020 10:54

Clairindespair- you are a superstar, you are doing amazingly - you have looked after your baby on your own for 4 weeks!!!

I feel so sad for you, it is soo so hard having a baby who cries all the time and let alone when you are on your own and have no mum or dad to love and support you. And you have financial worries:-(.

Your baby loves you with all his heart, he is just tiny and in pain and cannot show it. You are his whole world.

It is totally totally normal not to bond with your baby straight away and not to feel love or even positive emotions at all. It doesn't mean you will always feel that way. I felt that with my first baby and it did take a long time to feel love for him, but it happened and he and I have a very special bond.

Please try to keep going and stay strong and to seek out all the help you can get.

You are amazing, you are feeling all these dark feelings, you are struggling, yet you are still doing your best for your little one. Be proud of yourself xxxx

Original poster
clairindespair · 14/01/2020 10:55

He is sick a lot, and hiccups too. I wind him for about 30 mins but not sure if he needs more

OP posts:
Horehound · 14/01/2020 10:55

I say "diagnosis" but it's usually when telling others their baby must have it.

By all means say to gp or HV but I'd not start changing diets based on a post by a mumsnetter.

Cherrygin · 14/01/2020 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
clairindespair · 14/01/2020 10:56

I’m gonna mention cmpa to GP just see what they say, as he doesn’t have any of the symptoms but it’s worth mentioning just in case

OP posts:
Neighneigh · 14/01/2020 10:56

Here's another vote for the salvation army, when you're ready to go out. They are absolutely lovely and you can dip in and out as you need. And they help, when you want them to. The baby group I went to was so mixed, I met grandparents, people working, not working, students, all sorts of families and we made some lovely friends at our local one.

Horehound · 14/01/2020 10:57

Could be reflux just tell the GP everything. Good luck op!

Original poster
clairindespair · 14/01/2020 10:57

I think we have a Salvation Army relatively close, I will check them out

OP posts:
ravenmum · 14/01/2020 10:58

Weirdly enough, depressed people recovering from major surgery while being solely responsible for feeding a newborn day and night don't tend to burst into song too often...

Seriously, you are quite right to be focusing on the finances as that's something practical you can do, to help you get at least a tiny bit of peace of mind.

And do focus on your own mental health - I meant it seriously about watching TV, for instance, as a very, very basic tool to cheer yourself up for a moment or two, and take your mind off things.

Do make sure that you don't just talk to the GP about the baby!

I was on the 8th floor with my second child - by that stage I felt much more confident about looking after a baby, but it is strange when you can't just walk out of the door. That extra hurdle of struggling with a pram etc. is incredibly offputting, and you do feel strangely cut off.

Monstermoomin · 14/01/2020 10:58

It is really hard and the fact you are tending to his needs (even though it is causing you a lot of distress) is fantastic and you should hold onto that cos it's important.
It does sound like you need support and there's no shame in that so make sure your GP takes you seriously and stress the impact it is having on your mental health and wellbeing and that they need to refer you for proper support

MissB83 · 14/01/2020 10:58

@cloudydaysindecember that's a great post and I really agree.

I couldn't even bear to look at my son in the early days. I didn't really feel anything for him due to the birth circumstances and PND. Just felt numb and wanted to sleep. That has gone away now, it was the illness. You aren't a bad mum, you're just having a bad time. Reaching out on here was a good thing to do.

LaurieMarlow · 14/01/2020 10:59

Tell the GP EVERYTHING about how you’re feeling too. If you have PND, much better to get treatment started now.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/01/2020 11:00

I found that going out did help.

I pushed Dd round our local Ikea/shopping mall/garden centre/park for hours on end.

It was about just getting out and being around people

I will be honest, no one gave a flying f**k what you look like. Everyone is too busy with their own problems to care what you are wearing.

Cremebrule · 14/01/2020 11:01

You’re at such a hard point in the process. Some people love newborns but mine drove me mad (and we’re pretty good babies really). It may be that you find it easier once you get something back from the baby. It must be really tough going for you on your own and recovering from a section as well. Really you should have had some support arranged on discharge. Did you have any help at all early on?

LIZS · 14/01/2020 11:01

Can you email SF with a screenshot of your bank account instead of writing? Is baby's father still around, could you go to CMS ? Children's centre can signpost you to support groups. Difficult though it is your baby sounds pretty typical for a newborn. Agree with those saying to get out each day, even for a short walk around the block, although perhaps tricky if you had C section and are still recovering.

Original poster
clairindespair · 14/01/2020 11:01

I’ve convinced myself as well that I’d have been so much happier if he was a girl and none of this would happen if he was a girl (??wtf I know) my head just feels all over the place and stupid thoughts like that raise their head and even I don’t understand - all newborns seem to be little horrors

OP posts:
ginandgingers92 · 14/01/2020 11:02

@clairindespair please don't think like that. If you have a healthy baby that's all that matters.
Newborns are hard work, a massive life adjustment but it does and will get better. Just access all the resources you can to get support.

Mammajay · 14/01/2020 11:04

You need some support. You have had a hard time. Phone your uni student services right now and tell them you need help and see what they say. It will get easier.

DesLynamsMoustache · 14/01/2020 11:04

Newborns eat, sleep, poop, and cry. That's it. You don't get much back from them and in all honesty they're quite boring. Things start to get better once you get the first smiles and around the three month mark when they start becoming more aware of their environment and interacting. Before then they're basically just potatoes who don't really have any idea what's going on.

I enjoyed the newborn stage because it was a novelty but having done it once, I'm not overly keen to do it again as she's so much more fun now!