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Original poster

WWYD - pregnant bridesmaid and hen party

228 replies

ConkerGame · 13/01/2020 17:07

I’m getting married this October and my hen party is currently planned for the last weekend in September. One of my bridesmaids (a very close, old friend) has just told me that she is pregnant and due in early August. The baby would be roughly 7 weeks old on the hen weekend if born near the due date and she plans to breast feed.

The plan for the hen is a house in the countryside (3 hour drive from where we live due to excellent price), with sporty activities during the day and lots of alcohol in the evening. The only way my bridesmaid could be there is if she is able to bring her baby with her.

So here is my dilemma - I love my friend and always pictured her being at my hen party. I was also heavily involved in her wedding as a bridesmaid and planned her hen weekend. BUT I really don’t want a baby there. It would completely change the vibe and could even really bring the atmosphere down if it’s ill or won’t stop crying etc. My friend has very kindly offered to bring her husband with her to sit in her room with the baby so that she will be free for the weekend other than for feeding. This is very thoughtful of her and generous of him! But I still think it would really change the atmosphere as people would be wary of waking the baby/ the baby might wake people up with its crying / people are less likely to be in a carefree drunken mood knowing there’s a newborn in the house. Also lots of people are friends with the bridesmaid and her husband so are likely to want to go up to visit the baby / check my friend is ok whilst feeding/ say hi to the husband etc. From a selfish point of view, I don’t want the attention to be on a newborn!

So WWYD? So far I’ve thought of a) moving the hen to much earlier in the year so that she is still pregnant (not ideal as we’ve got everyone to save the date already, however we haven’t paid for it yet, so no financial loss), b) keeping the date but changing the plan, to just something in our local hometown. I would probably resent this as we spent a while looking for nice houses and I’d really like us all to stay together. C) asking her not to come - I think she would be upset about this and I would feel guilty, even though we planned the date before she announced her pregnancy. I would also really miss having her there! D) suck it up and hope it doesn’t change the vibe too much. It’s a big house so it’s not as if the baby would be under our feet. E) any other options??

OP posts:
Emergencycake · 15/01/2020 08:24

If this is her first baby then what she's currently talking about is her ideal scenario. Breast feeding can be tough and lots of new mums give up that idea early on. I know I did. I also know I went on my best friends hen party when my 2nd daughter was 2 months and it was 2 nights away. Tbf it was a break I felt I needed at the time and DH was absolutely fine as he had lots of family round for support. I think what I'm trying to say is that she won't know how she feels about going or not until nearer the time. Maybe tell her to play it by ear and just accept if she can't go then you will do something together another time. Good luck.

SockQueen · 15/01/2020 08:25

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre obviously you can't just reverse this situation as men can't breastfeed. That's a fairly ridiculous attempt to reverse roles.

elenacampana · 15/01/2020 08:35

No, no, no and no again. See her separately.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/01/2020 09:27

@SockQueen,
OK so.. A man can't breastfeed. So take a single dad. Left holding the baby. Has no babysitter for the stag weekend. Would it be OK for him to bring the baby along on his pal's stag weekend, or should he just sit it out and accept that now as a parent sacrifices will have to be made.

Or he has a breastfeeding anxious wife who is worried about being left without his support for a whole weekend, should he bring wife and baby along so that he can attend the stag, but also be on hand to hel his wife?

It is ridiculous to think of a baby going along the weekend of a stag FOR ANY REASON. But a baby on a hen is fine? Why? Because it's women, and it's a woman's job??

MarthasGinYard · 15/01/2020 10:49

'Just imagine someone suggesting a newborn and wife/partner go along on a, stag weekend.

The man would be told he's in an abusive relationship with a jealous controlling woman.'

Quite probably

He'd most likely be asked not to go

MarthasGinYard · 15/01/2020 10:49

Agree sock

VisionQuest · 15/01/2020 11:29

I can't decide whether she is being a cheeky fucker, expecting to come with her baby and husband, changing the whole dynamic of the weekend....OR.....whether she just doesn't want to let you down.

I hope it's the latter. If she's a decent friend then she will graciously accept your decision that no, you don't want a baby at your hen do.

Highonpotandused · 15/01/2020 11:52

She didn’t allow kids at her hen so why should get to bring her kid to yours?

Just tell you really liked the child/baby free hen she had and want the same.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 15/01/2020 12:23

I would have been so annoyed if someone turned up to my hen do with a baby in tow. My hen do was loud, lots of alcohol, music, rude games and a very crazy weekend which as a bunch of 20 year olds is how we planned and wanted it! A baby staying in the same house as us would of totally ruined it as we would of had to be mindful of it, like noise levels, and if I’m extra to get a house with no neighbours so we can have loud music I don’t want a baby ruining that sorry. She’s bu for telling you what’s happening at your own hen and not saying I not going but if you really really want me to be there I can bring baby and dh giving you the option to say sorry no, we’lol do something just us another time. Just tell her op if she ruins your friendship over people not wanted a baby on essentially a big night out then that’s on her tbh.

Dustarr73 · 15/01/2020 14:01

@ConkerGame What are you going to do?

Original poster
ConkerGame · 15/01/2020 14:14

@dustarr I’m still not sure. I think some people have got the wrong end of the stick about her demanding her husband comes. She’s not trying to create trouble, she’s trying to think of a solution. I told her that I didn’t think her husband being there was a good idea so she’s now saying she will ask her mum to come. But that would still mean a baby being there! My preference is now to move it to earlier in the year to avoid all of this difficulty, but depends if others can make an earlier date - it took us ages to find a date that worked for everyone so I’m bound to lose some others by doing it this way.

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/01/2020 15:12

I think you are just going to have to tell her you don't want the baby there.

You don't.

It's your hen night. There are going to be lots of others there too. You cannot just consider her and her needs. What about another mother who has gone to great lengths to organise for someone to mind her children. Possibly gone to added expenses. Possibly has children upset that she was leaving etc. Only to turn up and find someone else has actually arranged to bring their child(ren) along.

No. There's no children to be brought. With or without husbands or mothers.

Just tell her you don't want to hold her to going or you don't expect a commitment at this early stage. She has no idea how she will feel when the time comes. I recovered much quicker on my first than my second. First was section, second was VBAC.

I would keep the date as it is. It's been agreed amongst the group. If she's a good friend she won't want you stressing and trying to reorganise. If you're a good friend you won't pressure her to go if or when it's not suitable.

Talk to each other. Honestly. Your both skirting around an issue. Time to be outright! She's your bridesmaid. Surely you have a close relationship. That should not suffer if she can't make it to your hen night because she's breastfeeding a new born.

Dustarr73 · 15/01/2020 15:14

I would keep the date you have.Just tell her straight she cant come with the baby.

Its hard but she has to realise babies change things.

Blackbear19 · 15/01/2020 15:52

Her mum with baby is def preferable to DH with baby. Only plastic and chocolate willie's belong on a Hen Do!

Would your own mum be willing to keep her company?

I'd think moving it is the better option but as you say it's not easy.
Contact the lodge, ask what other weekends are free and see what suits. Is there anybody else who would gave wanted to come but can't make the date?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/01/2020 16:32

OP I think you just need to be blunt with her

"Friend, I'm sorry but it wont be possible to bring the baby. I'm in contact now with the letting agent to try and swap to another date - what would work better for you, either pre baby arrival whilst you are still pregnant or closer to the wedding so baby is older and you are happy leaving them at home with their dad?"

DeadCucumber · 15/01/2020 16:55

I wouldn't want to leave my baby that early on if I was breastfeeding. I also wouldn't suggest bringing the baby to an event where there's loads of noise and alcohol. I'd have suggested we meet up and do something special just the two of us during day when baby could be with dad a few hours.

loveyoutothemoon · 15/01/2020 17:24

Change the date to June/July, make out there were too many hens unable to do the original date. Or just be totally honest saying that it's just not ideal her baby being there and that you'd like to arrange something between the two of you. You never know, she may be secretly dreading it but doesn't wat to let you down.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/01/2020 17:46

Why not just be honest. If you're going to change the date tell her it's because you'd prefer for her to be there pregnant, rather than be there with a newborn.

It gets unnecessarily complicated if you start bringing others into it! What if the changed date has LESS people at it because of the change?!

She's your good friend, OP. I assume you're not going to fall out over this one way or another. Just tell her. If it was just you two going away for a quiet weekend then her bringing the baby might not be a huge issue. But it's not just you two, and it's not a quiet weekend. She will not relax the entire weekend if she's on standby for an exclusively breastfed infant. So what's the point in attending? You wouldn't want that, and I'm sure she'd feel much better in the comfort of her own home too.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 15/01/2020 18:02

Don’t try and move it, she probably doesn’t even want to come so you’d be giving her an easy out!

I really think you should just plan something separately with her.

mummyway · 15/01/2020 18:12

Why would anyone 2ant a newborn at a stag do or hen do. It changes the dynamics. Either friend comes without baby or doesn't come. Simple. Life happens and you just have to get on with it

Blackbear19 · 15/01/2020 18:15

I guess the real answer is talk to her and see what she is thinking. It does seem that she does want to come and is trying to work her way around the practical aspects. If she wanted an out a BF baby is a good excuse.

Bizawit · 15/01/2020 18:20

I’ve been to hen parties with babies. Barely noticed them- didn’t change the vibe at all. We still had loads of fun and people didn’t pay much attention to the babies because they were tiny. I’d include your friend - it’s the nice/ decent thing to do. She may only feel like coming to part of the hen / day bit anyway - so let her know this is ok.

Bizawit · 15/01/2020 18:35

@momtoboys I don’t think your post was manipulative at all, and of course it’s relevant!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/01/2020 19:23

I think as a bridesmaid she thinks it's expected that she'll be there. Tell her it's not expected.

GabsAlot · 16/01/2020 09:47

I think youre going to have to say its best the baby doesnt come and not to feel guilty that she cant make it you two will do another thing together seprately