WWYD - pregnant bridesmaid and hen party

[ConkerGame]

I’m getting married this October and my hen party is currently planned for the last weekend in September. One of my bridesmaids (a very close, old friend) has just told me that she is pregnant and due in early August. The baby would be roughly 7 weeks old on the hen weekend if born near the due date and she plans to breast feed.

The plan for the hen is a house in the countryside (3 hour drive from where we live due to excellent price), with sporty activities during the day and lots of alcohol in the evening. The only way my bridesmaid could be there is if she is able to bring her baby with her.

So here is my dilemma - I love my friend and always pictured her being at my hen party. I was also heavily involved in her wedding as a bridesmaid and planned her hen weekend. BUT I really don’t want a baby there. It would completely change the vibe and could even really bring the atmosphere down if it’s ill or won’t stop crying etc. My friend has very kindly offered to bring her husband with her to sit in her room with the baby so that she will be free for the weekend other than for feeding. This is very thoughtful of her and generous of him! But I still think it would really change the atmosphere as people would be wary of waking the baby/ the baby might wake people up with its crying / people are less likely to be in a carefree drunken mood knowing there’s a newborn in the house. Also lots of people are friends with the bridesmaid and her husband so are likely to want to go up to visit the baby / check my friend is ok whilst feeding/ say hi to the husband etc. From a selfish point of view, I don’t want the attention to be on a newborn!

So WWYD? So far I’ve thought of a) moving the hen to much earlier in the year so that she is still pregnant (not ideal as we’ve got everyone to save the date already, however we haven’t paid for it yet, so no financial loss), b) keeping the date but changing the plan, to just something in our local hometown. I would probably resent this as we spent a while looking for nice houses and I’d really like us all to stay together. C) asking her not to come - I think she would be upset about this and I would feel guilty, even though we planned the date before she announced her pregnancy. I would also really miss having her there! D) suck it up and hope it doesn’t change the vibe too much. It’s a big house so it’s not as if the baby would be under our feet. E) any other options??

Easy... Give her an out now. She will most likely take it at the time. So, say that you know things are unpredictable post birth etc and you really want her there but don't want her to feel she had to if she isnt up to it. Split the costs between the remaining people now, and say that if she is up for it at the time, she can pay each of them back a portion of her part for the accommodation.

That way she won't feel bad at the time when she decides not to come. And if she does then she really wants to join in and you should let her

I speak as a mum of a seven week old right now!

Anything apart from her plan! Sounds horrendous.

Tell her you’re sorry you just don’t want a baby there. And she can either come (if formula feeding) or not come but no way can a baby come to a hen night, especially not with a husband there too! Anyone even vaguely reasonable must realise this.

Husband and baby in a nearby hotel, with friend popping in and out if she can, might work but I can’t see how that will be much fun for friend.

*Tbh OP I'd pull out of someone's hen weekend if I knew one of the guests was bringing their baby.

I'm not spending ££s and having a weekend away from my own dc to not be able to properly let me hair down and enjoy a purely adult environment.*

^^
Also this

Imagine if she's overdue and then has a section. She wouldn't be able to attend anyway. All my babies went no longer than 2 hours between feeds at that age and the feeds took 30-60 minutes. I was an excellent expresser but no way I could have expressed enough for a day away. Plus the baby needs the breast itself if it's not used to mum being away and having expressed milk. Even at 9 months old my girls would cluster feed all night once I got in from work as a bottle from daddy just did cut it.

M

Hens change as the age of the bride changes.

My first hen of a close friend (early/mid 20s) was WILD 😜. The Hens of close friends by mid 30s were great, but more balanced, nice meals etc.

Your dilemma now reflects this.

A whole w/e with husband and baby locked away with you is bonkers.

3 hours is a long way to travel.

So how about about this:

She is a close friend. Be honest. Make it about her and what is best for the baby. So: they travel 3 hours to be with you, but only for one night and one day; they then go off for the 2nd day/night of the w/e at a spa somewhere on the way home. You pay. She gets to be there for the hen. She is not excluded. But half of the hen can be as wild as you like...

No, no, no what a terrible idea. Hen weekends are sacred!

Her husband can't spend a whole weekend just in a bedroom with a baby. He will need to come out for meals and drinks. You and your friends aren't monsters, he will he offered conversation and food. He will essentially be a guest at your hen! Is he really up for this???

I wonder if a stag weekend would accommodate a newborn and their mother?

It's tough but that's life, people can't expect to have a baby and not miss out on anything.

I'd move it. Surely you and your hens can find a weekend you're all free sometime earlier in the year?

You want your friend there. You want the nice weekend in the country house that you've planned. You don't want her baby and DH there.

Surely asking your hens to fill in a new doodle poll and getting the hen party you want is the least worst option? One non drinking hen is going to be much easier to accommodate than a husband and baby.

No way I would waste time and money going to a hen with a baby there. A hen weekend is a chance to have some adult time and company without the usual child related issues that I get at home! So you would be at least one down from my side.

I don’t think she wants to go but rather than let you down she is coming up with compromises.

Just be honest with her. She will probably be relieved.

Agree with this.

It’s your hen party so it should be enjoyable for you. I’d say no to her bringing husband and baby.
A hen party’s atmosphere should not be so heavily influenced by just 1 attendee who isn’t the bride.
And I say this as mum of a young baby.

She should be gracious and nor come. A husband and baby there would definitely change the atmosphere. I'd say go with option of changing the date and keeping the plans.

Sounds awful for all involved.
Driving 3hrs with a newborn and having the husband hidden in a bedroom looking after the baby.

Having a baby at hen party.

It'll be awkward but just suggest something that you two can enjoy together.
I dunno how you will word it though.

I went on a hen do with a tiny baby there. It was a day and evening not overnight. We did an art session which the husband and baby came to, honestly I hardly noticed. I remember the mum feeding it in a bar then we went off to do a sport which she came to and baby stayed in a cafe with its dad. Then she met them there and fed it before joining us for dinner, he took it back to their hotel. As a fellow hen it didn't impact me at all.
On the other side, when I was invited to a hen when I had a small baby I suggested coming and bringing the baby. The bride didn't want the baby to come so I couldn't go. It was fine, we saw them at the wedding (which the baby came to). It wasn't a big deal and didn't damage our friendship at all.

@BercowsFlamingoFlownSouth
I'm not sure that second have anything to do with this. 5 days after a section might be too early to party, this is a maximum of 5 weeks so she should be fine or near enough, though she might need a lift if she has one of the awkward insurers who insist on 6 weeks.

You can drink when breastfeeding henryscat - I know that’s not the point of the thread.

To those saying express - not at that age. Milk supply is still being established. It just wouldn’t work. Also not all breastfed babies will accept a bottle.

It’s lovely that the friend is prepared to go to those lengths so she doesn’t let you down. And her dh is oreoo ppi arsed to sit in a room with an unhappy breastfed baby all weekend to facilitate it. You either need to bring it forward so she is still pregnant or let her off the hook and do something separately with her.

Another vote for her just trying not to let you down, but secretly dreading it.

Suggest an alternative.

@PixiKitKat @YasssKween
She did show up with the toddler and husband
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3000534-Toddzilla-Thread-2-No-Toddlers-at-the-hen-do-please?pg=1&messages=100

Oh my god! That’s crazy!

@saj90 WOW! What a thread! That's just a total other level of crazy. What a nutter!

Sorry but life just deals you these timings. I'm in my mid forties now so have been through every iteration of pregnant / new mums of of friends and even sisters.

Your friend can't come to your hen weekend as she will have a newborn. It's just life. It's an adult event, utterly unsuitable for a baby or DH. You're going to have to bite the bullet, tell her it's a no and arrange something more appropriate for the two of you separately.

I think you are being a bit nasty OP focusing on the attention side of it- its probably because she had so much attention during her hen/wedding etc that she doesnt want to let you down.
I do not think the baby or husband should be there, I would have a frank conversation that you love the fact shes willing to put herself out for you so soon after having her second but it just wont be an appropriate environment for a newborn.

All the baby is going to do is feed then sleep in her arms. There is no reason why she can't feed and then hold her sleeping baby whilst you all carry on with whatever you're doing. There is no need for her husband to be there and no reason why she can't go.

I think you are worried that everyone will be wanting to hold and cuddle the baby and won't be cooing over you which is selfish, it's only one small baby. Are you going to ban the baby from the wedding too incase everyone looks at the baby instead of you?

@Pilot12 All babies are completely different.My first was a dream,2nd was more like the anti christ.

And of course a baby changes dynamic,they cant have loud music,talk loud.And be wary where they walk.

Hens are an adult event,end of.

@Pilot12

Even if that was the case for the OP then so what?
It’s her hen party, she is perfectly entitled to want it to be about her! There’s absolutely no need for the baby to be present at a hen party and the dynamics is completely different from a wedding.
And lots of people don’t want babies/ children at their wedding which is perfectly reasonable IMO.
I love my baby DS but can perfectly well understand that in some situations, his presence is not appreciated by others.

@Pilot12 it’s not that I want people to look at me, it’s that I’m worried the MOH will be trying to get everyone to do an activity/get people boozing etc and instead some people will be saying - “oh no, let’s sit with Bridesmaid and help her with her baby”. Which would mean the focus is lost and we end up just sitting in a circle passing a baby around!