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Original poster

WWYD - pregnant bridesmaid and hen party

228 replies

ConkerGame · 13/01/2020 17:07

I’m getting married this October and my hen party is currently planned for the last weekend in September. One of my bridesmaids (a very close, old friend) has just told me that she is pregnant and due in early August. The baby would be roughly 7 weeks old on the hen weekend if born near the due date and she plans to breast feed.

The plan for the hen is a house in the countryside (3 hour drive from where we live due to excellent price), with sporty activities during the day and lots of alcohol in the evening. The only way my bridesmaid could be there is if she is able to bring her baby with her.

So here is my dilemma - I love my friend and always pictured her being at my hen party. I was also heavily involved in her wedding as a bridesmaid and planned her hen weekend. BUT I really don’t want a baby there. It would completely change the vibe and could even really bring the atmosphere down if it’s ill or won’t stop crying etc. My friend has very kindly offered to bring her husband with her to sit in her room with the baby so that she will be free for the weekend other than for feeding. This is very thoughtful of her and generous of him! But I still think it would really change the atmosphere as people would be wary of waking the baby/ the baby might wake people up with its crying / people are less likely to be in a carefree drunken mood knowing there’s a newborn in the house. Also lots of people are friends with the bridesmaid and her husband so are likely to want to go up to visit the baby / check my friend is ok whilst feeding/ say hi to the husband etc. From a selfish point of view, I don’t want the attention to be on a newborn!

So WWYD? So far I’ve thought of a) moving the hen to much earlier in the year so that she is still pregnant (not ideal as we’ve got everyone to save the date already, however we haven’t paid for it yet, so no financial loss), b) keeping the date but changing the plan, to just something in our local hometown. I would probably resent this as we spent a while looking for nice houses and I’d really like us all to stay together. C) asking her not to come - I think she would be upset about this and I would feel guilty, even though we planned the date before she announced her pregnancy. I would also really miss having her there! D) suck it up and hope it doesn’t change the vibe too much. It’s a big house so it’s not as if the baby would be under our feet. E) any other options??

OP posts:
YasssKween · 13/01/2020 20:37

@pixikitkat

I. Love. You.

Original poster
ConkerGame · 13/01/2020 20:42

Just out of interest, those of you who suggested she and DH could stay nearby in a hotel - what is a reasonable distance for her to travel from there to the house and back?

Tbh the we chose for the house to be quite remote on purpose, so we had plenty of space to be active outside during the day and no neighbours to upset with noise at night! It’s not in a village or anything. I’ve just looked it up and the nearest hotel/bnb I can see is 10 min drive away in the next small town (none within walking distance)

OP posts:
EC22 · 13/01/2020 20:44

She’s being unreasonable even considering coming with a baby. You need to make it clear baby isn’t invited.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/01/2020 20:48

Tbh OP I'd pull out of someone's hen weekend if I knew one of the guests was bringing their baby.

I'm not spending ££s and having a weekend away from my own dc to not be able to properly let me hair down and enjoy a purely adult environment.

Original poster
ConkerGame · 13/01/2020 20:50

Actually I’m really not sure I can ask her to do a 3 hour drive with a baby to stay separately from us and only pop over for a couple of activities (which I guess she might not even be able to do if the baby is having a bad day and won’t stop crying?) Sad

Think I’m going to have to try to change the date or accept she just won’t be there. Rubbish!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/01/2020 20:56

Has she said she intends to bring the baby or has she suggested "I could bring the baby" because she doesn't want to let you down?

Jamiefraserskilt · 13/01/2020 21:02

In her position, I would start expressing and freezing before the event and bring my pump for when I was away. A dozen or so feeds from a bottle of breast milk is not going to stop her going back to on tap feeding afterwards.I
I wouldn't even be worrying the bride. Either stay at home or go.I
Just tell her you love her to bits, really want her there but fully understand if she stays at home with her newborn. Husband and baby presence is really not going to work for you as it will change the vibe.

Dustarr73 · 13/01/2020 21:06

I would just offer c.

Anyone remember the other thread where the guest wanted to bring the baby and her dh.Then they took the biggest room,before being turfed out.

PepsiLola · 13/01/2020 21:19

I think you answer your own question when you stated the bridesmaid had no kids at her hen doo or wedding.

She knows kids aren't fun and change dynamics, as she vetoed them from her own parties.

I would say to her as much as you love her and her kids, you don't want that type of hen doo. That you chose the location so you can all let your hair down and get drunk without bothering others, and it's not suitable for kids

PepsiLola · 13/01/2020 21:20

I remember that one @Dustarr73 the cheek!

I read one yesterday when a woman wanted to bring her 3yo to town for a beer festival type event. The woman actually messaged the event organisers to see what they meant by no under 18s Grin

EstebanTheMagnificent · 13/01/2020 21:21

She’s probably desperate to find a way not to let you down and will be relieved to be offered a way out.

londonrach · 13/01/2020 21:22

No babies at hen weekends like this..if friend a decent friend she give her apologies and if you decent friend you accept it

ThanksItHasPockets · 13/01/2020 21:23

It’s important to you that your friend is there but it’s more important to you that there isn’t a baby present at your hen do, which is entirely your prerogative. You just need to be honest with your friend. I agree with pp that she will probably be relieved.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 13/01/2020 21:24

Why can't she express and leave baby with husband I don't know if it's just me but it would take me longer than a week to express enough milk for a whole weekend.

Also, parents are comfortable or forced into leaving babies at all kinds of ages be it 2 days or not until 2 years but I wouldn't want to leave mine for a long period of time day or night yet and she's 14 weeks.

I'm usually 100 percent a "babes in arms totally fine" and I totally agree with regards to the wedding still. But the baby will not benefit at all (friend's won't be able to pick the baby up for a cuddle or a fuss because they'll be pissed!) Other people at the hen might not really drink/do certain things because of being around a baby too.

You could (possibly have) looked at any solutions such as if possible with distance/timing/activity, going for one of the activites or lunch with or without the baby.

Don't let anyone tell you you're a bad friend or anything like that, some people just like to be unkind. Have your celebrations your way just like your friend did. Good luck!

MaryShelley1818 · 13/01/2020 21:24

Just bizarre, it's a hen do. If I found out someone was bringing a newborn and their husband to a girls weekend away I'd definitely be asking for my money back and not going.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 13/01/2020 21:27

I would change the date as she won't be drinking regardless

blubberyboo · 13/01/2020 21:28

C
Maybe she doesn’t really want to go and is just bringing baby as she thinks you’ll be let down. She maybe doesn’t realise that she probably won’t even feel like going so soon after having baby

Just gently tell her that you’ve thought it over and it isn’t fair on her to be postpartum ,trying to breastfeed and have this added stress and that it won’t be a suitable atmosphere for a tiny newborn baby as you will be playing loud music dancing laughing and shouting. Play it from the angle that you are protecting the baby

plus having a man in the next room takes the hen vibe away and the ladies won’t be as carefree. then book a spa retreat for just the 2 of you where she can get a pregnancy massage and you can chill... with the promise of a girls night after the wedding

Fishfingersandwichplease · 13/01/2020 21:30

Sorry pressed too soon...if l was her and someone offered to change the date to accommodate me, l would insist they didn't...shows you want her there but not the baby and husband without being rude or hurtful

PuggyMum · 13/01/2020 21:33

It sounds to me like she's really trying to make the effort and be there.
I had a very easy time with DD who was ebf and I would have probably suggested the same as your friend.
I was easy going and had a few good nights out once we had established a routine.

I get the centre of attention thing though so maybe you could explain this to her and I am sure she will do everything to respect that.

Dustarr73 · 13/01/2020 21:34

why can't she express and leave baby with husband

I bf 5 kids and i couldnt express to save my life.

You could say that you want a childfree Hen,just like she did.If its good enough for her,its good enough for you.

Dont change the dates or change what you want to do.DC cant be brought everywhere,she better get used to it

altiara · 13/01/2020 21:44

(C) don’t feel guilty! She made her choice to get pregnant. She wasn’t going to stop her life choices for your wedding or hen do.
I’m not sure exactly what I’d say, something along the lines of not wanting to have to keep quiet for the DH and baby.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 13/01/2020 21:49

(Incidentally, I suspect there might be a teeny tiny secret part of you which is a bit pissed off that she’s got pregnant so close to your wedding. If so, you need to address this and get over it before you speak to her!).

Fatas · 13/01/2020 21:50

At 7 weeks I would have expressed and left baby with daddy. You're not really leaving babybif it's with its dad. That's just me then, I guess. But she seems desperate to go in terms of taking her whole family to a hen do.

Hohofortherobbers · 13/01/2020 21:51

When it comes to it I bet she won't want to come. Don't make any suggestions, just say she can see how she feels nearer the time. Will the deposit be a huge issue?

VerySale · 13/01/2020 21:56

YANBU. I wouldn't entertain this for a second and as another guest on the hen do I wouldn't want to go either.