WWYD - pregnant bridesmaid and hen party

[ConkerGame]

I’m getting married this October and my hen party is currently planned for the last weekend in September. One of my bridesmaids (a very close, old friend) has just told me that she is pregnant and due in early August. The baby would be roughly 7 weeks old on the hen weekend if born near the due date and she plans to breast feed.

The plan for the hen is a house in the countryside (3 hour drive from where we live due to excellent price), with sporty activities during the day and lots of alcohol in the evening. The only way my bridesmaid could be there is if she is able to bring her baby with her.

So here is my dilemma - I love my friend and always pictured her being at my hen party. I was also heavily involved in her wedding as a bridesmaid and planned her hen weekend. BUT I really don’t want a baby there. It would completely change the vibe and could even really bring the atmosphere down if it’s ill or won’t stop crying etc. My friend has very kindly offered to bring her husband with her to sit in her room with the baby so that she will be free for the weekend other than for feeding. This is very thoughtful of her and generous of him! But I still think it would really change the atmosphere as people would be wary of waking the baby/ the baby might wake people up with its crying / people are less likely to be in a carefree drunken mood knowing there’s a newborn in the house. Also lots of people are friends with the bridesmaid and her husband so are likely to want to go up to visit the baby / check my friend is ok whilst feeding/ say hi to the husband etc. From a selfish point of view, I don’t want the attention to be on a newborn!

So WWYD? So far I’ve thought of a) moving the hen to much earlier in the year so that she is still pregnant (not ideal as we’ve got everyone to save the date already, however we haven’t paid for it yet, so no financial loss), b) keeping the date but changing the plan, to just something in our local hometown. I would probably resent this as we spent a while looking for nice houses and I’d really like us all to stay together. C) asking her not to come - I think she would be upset about this and I would feel guilty, even though we planned the date before she announced her pregnancy. I would also really miss having her there! D) suck it up and hope it doesn’t change the vibe too much. It’s a big house so it’s not as if the baby would be under our feet. E) any other options??

It will undoubtedly change the dynamic.
This sounds a lot like someone who thinks having a baby won’t change them or their life. There are so many reasons why this isn’t practical.
A 3 hour drive with a newborn is difficult if done properly (ie stopping every 30-60 minutes to take out of car seat, stopping to comfort, feed etc).
There are the implications of post birth recovery and the travel.
Whether the baby is well.
Whether the baby is feeding well.
Whether the baby is sleeping well.
Etc etc etc.
If I thought I would lose the friendship as a result of asking not to come, I’d go with it and cross my fingers that when the baby arrived she changed her mind.

Otherwise I’d stick to original plans and ask to do something separately with her.

I’m just imagining some of the hangovers I’ve had on my friends hen dos and then the thought of being woken up at the crack of dawn by a baby...

Just tell her that having the baby and dh there wouldn't work but you totally understand why she can't come.

If she really wants to be there, couldn’t she just come alone for a short time? Her and husband stay nearby. She comes round for dinner or a couple of hours in the afternoon.

So her dh is just going to sit in a room all day/night whilst you have fun and what happens when u allget in and want a drink or a laugh how will that work with a father and baby asleep

sorry i think you'll have to let her down gently

@CalmdownJanet same here, I think I’d be annoyed too!

You’re definitely not being unreasonable to not want a baby on your hen do.

If she still wants to be involved and won’t/can’t leave the baby she should stay in a hotel nearby and dip in and out as she can (without child!)

If this is the second baby will she be bringing No 1 DC as well?

I don't think the weekend away is suitable for having the baby, and dh, there really. It would be potentially awkward and it would change the overall vibe of the weekend.

I think I'd stay with the original plan of no children. Bridesmaid decides if she can make it or not - but no one should give her any grief or negative comments when she says she can't make it. Equally bridesmaid needs to just accept that it isn't a child-friendly weekend away.

And, then arrange to go out for dinner/drink or lunch with your bridesmaid separately locally.

Can she express milk before hand?

I went to a hen weekend and one of the bridesmaid's had her very small baby there. The husband was in a hotel nearby and could come get him. It was fine. Why don't you ask your friend what she wants to do? If I were her I would be gutted if my friend said I wasn't welcome because I had a baby.

Op I can practically guarantee that this woman is dreading this weekend as much as you do. Who the hell wants to go to a hen party weekend with a not only a newborn but their husband in tow? It sounds like she’s trying not to let you down so desperately trying to come up with suggestions to make it work. Do everyone a favour (including yourself and your other guests) and tell her you don’t think bringing the baby (and the husband!) would be suitable, but you’d love to take her for a meal or something at a later date

Do you think that she really wants to have her husband & baby there or is trying to come up with a solution for your sake?

Would you have preferred her to have said "no can do now"?

I would say you don't think it will work & do something with just her at some point?

I'm not sure anyone can answer this except you. I had a similar but slightly differently timed situation. If you're going to miss her not being there, personally I'd be changing the date. We had my hen party early for this exact reason (about 4 months before the wedding rather than the month before) and then the night before the wedding my bridesmaid brought her newborn baby and husband with her to stay in the house I'd hired for the weekend, they had one bedroom, me and the other bridesmaids had the other. Her husband sorted the baby when she wasn't feeding him and joined in the party and it was actually a total pleasure having him about in the morning. We had a big party the night before the wedding and I certainly didn't feel like anything was affected by having the baby there in any way other than positive ways. She remained a bridesmaid fully on my understanding that if she really didn't feel up to it on the day she didn't have to do it or have to wear the dress etc but as it turned out, she managed it all and had a great day!But that said, I understand that having a newborn and husband about for hen do etc wouldn't be for everyone so you need to have a think about what your priorities are.

I love my friend and always pictured her being at my hen party.

Except this won't be anything like what you've pictured. Give her the easy out.

YANBU to not want a baby at a hen do. That said, if there’s a logistical way of having baby some way from raucousness (room at far end of house for example) then it could work perfectly well. I’ve known this done several times. Especially when the baby is that small and it’s her second, it should be relatively straightforward to just stick baby in a sling, join in with what she can, sit out the rest but be there anyway (play referee/adjudicator!) and have a lovely time with you all, skipping out the heavy boozing at the end of the day. I know that DD2 would have been more than manageable at that age. And unless you’ve got some really weird friends with absolutely no capacity for being around children, there’s no reason why it should change the atmosphere at all. Granted a toddler might, but not a tiny baby! I think the husband on the other hand definitely would change the vibe!!

At the end of the day, it’s up to you. You wouldn’t be wrong either way. It depends how important it is to you that she’s there.

Change the date. She’s won’t drink either now or when she’s breastfeeding (as you say she’s planning). Having her baby and DH at the house is a huge no-no for me too.

It's nice that she is still trying to attend, but you need to say no. A hen weekend is an adult event and as you say, having a baby there will change the vibe completely. You will have stuff planned or just be lounging around, you don't want a baby or a bloke there. It just doesn't work.

You don't need to ask her not to come, you just say that the baby can't come and then it is up to her to make her own decision. Of course she doesn't want to miss out, but this is what happens when you have a baby, life changes....

I doubt she or her husband really want to do that, she’s just trying not to let you down. Tell her it’s fine not to come and have a night out close to home to celebrate together.

(FWIW I’ve bowed out of my own friend’s upcoming hen because it’s abroad, but had it been in the UK, and she’d wanted me to come regardless, I’d have been happy to go (on my own) with still pretty tiny DD!)

I had exactly the same thing happen, and we ended up changing my hen plans to a local day out instead of a weekend away so that the new mum could still come. She is my sister though and I just couldn’t imagine not having her there.

If you don’t want to do that, why don’t you suggest a separate smaller get-together for you two and a few other closer friends? Then you can still have your weekend away with everyone else.

If she's a "very close old friend" surely you'd
a) be thrilled that she's pregnant
and
b) take the lead from her.

What I would suggest is that she doesn't do the weekend away but why don't you earlier in the year have a mini hen do meal type thing. Your hen party all go out for a meal say in about June/July time and make a night of it so you have all celebrated together and then there is less pressure on her to come on the weekend/bring baby etc.

I've been to a hen's with a 10 week old. It was a fucking nightmare. The woman who brought the baby swore we wouldn't even notice the baby there.

She said for things not suitable to bring the baby to she would stay in the accommodation, which was a rented house. Everything that was planned wasn't suitable for the baby which ended up with the group being split.

Others felt sorry leaving her on her own with a baby. We changed a couple of restaurants we had booked as they didn't allow under 18s. We actually ended up in a McDonald's one dinner time as where we were staying was busy and restaurants booked out, especially for our large group.

The baby fed constantly, everytime I looked she was feeding. It did end up the rest of us doing more because when she wanted a shower we minded the baby . On the way down she slept and we minded the baby, When out during the day we pushed the pram, we were looking for baby friendly restaurants, she went to the loo we had the baby, baby needed changing one of us had to help her, not ideal when you spend 24/7 with your own kids and had been looking forward to doing what you liked, when you like, with no kids..

The group had split as some ended up doing the planned events, rest stayed with her. We had one late night at the house but the noise of us woke the baby and she went ballistic at us. There was no more late nights at the house. She got up at 5am each morning singing nursery rhymes which was painful with a hangover.

With a baby you can't relax you're constantly aware of noise levels. Lots of activities are not suitable. I can't believe her dh wants to come too, that's a bit fucked up tbh, why on earth would a man want to go on a hen's party and sit in a room. Why can't he mind the baby at home and let her relax. I thought bf was meant to be easier then ff and give the mother more free time?

E
You say “honestly, that’s such an enormous upheaval for you and your husband just for my hen do. I’d feel so guilty at asking you both to do that and then you having to find someone to look after DC1 while you’re away as well. It’s too much. I couldn’t ask you to, id feel absolutely awful making you come, especially if you were overdue or had to have a section.”

You’re not asking her not to come. You’re sort of deliberately getting the wrong end of the stick and thinking she’s suggesting it in a ‘this is a total pain and wants you to say to no’ way. Would that work?

I've been on two hen dos where a newborn came. Was absolutely fine and didn't wake us up in the night as we were still up! The mums just took themselves and babies off when needed.

They both really appreciated being included, but we are a tight group so didn't want them to miss out.

Unless she's an arse and insists on you being quiet etc then if you want her there you'll make it work.