Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD - pregnant bridesmaid and hen party

228 replies

ConkerGame · 13/01/2020 17:07

I’m getting married this October and my hen party is currently planned for the last weekend in September. One of my bridesmaids (a very close, old friend) has just told me that she is pregnant and due in early August. The baby would be roughly 7 weeks old on the hen weekend if born near the due date and she plans to breast feed.

The plan for the hen is a house in the countryside (3 hour drive from where we live due to excellent price), with sporty activities during the day and lots of alcohol in the evening. The only way my bridesmaid could be there is if she is able to bring her baby with her.

So here is my dilemma - I love my friend and always pictured her being at my hen party. I was also heavily involved in her wedding as a bridesmaid and planned her hen weekend. BUT I really don’t want a baby there. It would completely change the vibe and could even really bring the atmosphere down if it’s ill or won’t stop crying etc. My friend has very kindly offered to bring her husband with her to sit in her room with the baby so that she will be free for the weekend other than for feeding. This is very thoughtful of her and generous of him! But I still think it would really change the atmosphere as people would be wary of waking the baby/ the baby might wake people up with its crying / people are less likely to be in a carefree drunken mood knowing there’s a newborn in the house. Also lots of people are friends with the bridesmaid and her husband so are likely to want to go up to visit the baby / check my friend is ok whilst feeding/ say hi to the husband etc. From a selfish point of view, I don’t want the attention to be on a newborn!

So WWYD? So far I’ve thought of a) moving the hen to much earlier in the year so that she is still pregnant (not ideal as we’ve got everyone to save the date already, however we haven’t paid for it yet, so no financial loss), b) keeping the date but changing the plan, to just something in our local hometown. I would probably resent this as we spent a while looking for nice houses and I’d really like us all to stay together. C) asking her not to come - I think she would be upset about this and I would feel guilty, even though we planned the date before she announced her pregnancy. I would also really miss having her there! D) suck it up and hope it doesn’t change the vibe too much. It’s a big house so it’s not as if the baby would be under our feet. E) any other options??

OP posts:
Stephminx · 14/01/2020 16:01

Move the date or uninvited her.

Newmumatlast · 14/01/2020 16:08

If DH is free (which he must be given her suggestion) then there is absolutely no reason why she cannot express and leave baby with him so as to enjoy the hen party with you all. If she wanted to she could drink less on the hen and express and refrigerate any additional milk so as to not waste it but could drink more and dump the milk. Obviously it could be that she ends up being unable to express but if she is able to breastfeed theres no reason why she wouldnt produce milk to express. I managed to create a store of freezer milk for this purpose by using a breast bud on the other breast while breast feeding- it collects the milk that leaks from the spare boob and you end up with quite alot. My baby therefore had around 30 lots of 60ml in the freezer by the time I was around 8wks post partum. Obviously if she ends up not being able to express and possibly not able to feed then she would be using formula no doubt and could feed more easily.

Dustarr73 · 14/01/2020 16:46

I would just uninvite her.There is no guarantee the baby will be on time or your friend could have a bad birth and not go anyway.

Frankola · 14/01/2020 16:46

What a lovely friend you have for wanting to attend and why a lovely friend you are too Star

That being said, hen parties aren't for babies and husbands. I'm sure you're friend will understand that.

If she wants to come great. But leave DC and DH at home.

Mulledwineinajug · 14/01/2020 23:57

Milk supply is still being established at 7 weeks, newmumatlast. That length of time away from baby could completely scupper establishing breastfeeding. None of the skin to skin or cluster feeding that will stimulate milk production. Risk of mastitis as a pump won’t fully empty the breast like a baby would. Plus baby might reject the breast on her return, that is if baby accepts a bottle in the first place.
Breastfeeding is more than just feeding the baby milk. A breastfed baby separated from mum for that length of time at that age would be distressed. All of mine would have been anyway.

drinkygin · 15/01/2020 00:25

@ConkerGame you’re totally reasonable in not wanting her baby there- more so I’m not wanting the husband there! Weird suggestion and I’d actually be really pissed off to turn up to a hen do and find someone’s husband there. I’d gently tell your friend you’d love her to be there but it’s really not suitable for babies so if she can’t make it you’ll miss her.

drinkygin · 15/01/2020 00:25

Also like the idea of having a separate “afternoon tea” type hen which would be more suitable for a baby to attend Smile

SylvanianFrenemies · 15/01/2020 00:29

I would go for A.

She can't rely on planning to express/leave the baby, and husband and baby at the do would change the atmosphere.

MarthasGinYard · 15/01/2020 00:34

A or B

SockQueen · 15/01/2020 01:15

D. I took my 8 week old DS2 to my sister's hen party. It worked surprisingly well, though it was a chilled out glamping weekend rather than anything very crazy. At that stage I'd have found it harder and more disruptive to have to express and/or have DH nipping in and out. It helped that DS2 was a chilled little guy who mostly just fed and slept at that age though - not all babies are like that!

If it had been a less suitable hen do I'd have just not gone. I couldn't be separated from either of my babies for that long at that age.

Newmumatlast · 15/01/2020 03:08

@Mulledwineinajug I must not have read that baby would be 7 weeks. That said, I had plenty of milk stored then and breastfeeding was established though that wouldnt necessarily be everyone's experience. I was lucky to be able to express as well as feed, and my baby took a bottle and breast interchangeably. Not every baby would do and you never know until they're here. I do think I wouldve been able to go to a hen party. I wouldnt have gone for the whole weekend though.

EL8888 · 15/01/2020 03:18

Another big no to the baby and husband being there. No offence but there is quite a good chance she might not be up for it anyway. It depends how giving birth and the baby are. When you have children then you have to make sacrifices and this is one of those times for her

SuperMeerkat · 15/01/2020 05:48

Chances are she probably won’t come anyway. For the sake of your friendship @ConkerGame I’d leave the invitation open and if she comes then great but she probably won’t. First time parents don’t generally realise quite how time consuming and draining constantly BF can be and she may not feel up to it.

Blackbear19 · 15/01/2020 06:08

OP my first option would be to move the date. Even if she can't take part in the sports she can watch and take photos. Pregnant or BFing she won't be drinking.

Expressing milk is easier said than done, esp for a tiny newborn. Having DH there will change dynamics, actually it would be better to bring her mum to babysit and leave Dad at home with DC1, if the date can't be changed.

nakedavengeragain · 15/01/2020 06:18

Two things do not belong at hen weekends:
Babies
Someone's husband

If I was one of the other hens and I heard one of these were coming, I wouldn't come sorry.

wrinkledimplelover · 15/01/2020 06:20

Talk to her and tell her you're thinking of moving the date. See how she responds.

The focus is on BF and the drinking/partying and I know that she went to a wedding with her first at 8 weeks, but that's a fairly stationary event. You're planning on getting wasted and doing sporting activities. At 5-7 weeks postpartum how much of these sporting activities is she really going to be able to take part in? Are they all on site and walking distance from the accommodation? So if her DH is locked up in a room with baby and she needs to go back and BF, how will she get there? Even if he's in a hotel, same question.

You can also tell her that some of the others really don't want any men there as a way of softening how this is arranged?

Blackbear19 · 15/01/2020 06:32

OP you asked about distance to hotel, at that stage I was feeding every 2hrs, both mine were fairly quick 15 min feed but that plus 10 min drive each way, plus faff time, walk to from car, visit loo, jacket shoes etc. So putting that into the clock,
12.00 get ready to leave.
12.15 start feed
12.30 get ready to return
12.45 back with hen party.

2.00 get ready to leave for next feed.Confused

I really don't think the hotel idea would work

ladybug92 · 15/01/2020 06:32

My sister had a hens and invited me to bring my 3 month old from interstate. It was very very sweet but I was ready to decline as I couldn't express enough to leave baby.
It turned out wonderful! Baby fell asleep at dinner and then woke for a feed and went to sleep again while we stayed up and had drinks (also at a nice cabin away from home). But it's my sister and I certainly didn't ask, she offered! I wouldn't ask, especially not for a friend. I think she will hardly be up to it and a dinner later sounds better! Maybe you suggest it so that she can't really say 'no I'm coming instead'

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 15/01/2020 06:36

Yanbu but a baby wouldn’t stop me drinking if it wasn’t my baby not my responsibility

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/01/2020 07:06

they travel 3 hours to be with you, but only for one night and one day; they then go off for the 2nd day/night of the w/e at a spa somewhere on the way home. You pay

Why on earth would the bride pay for her friend, husband and baby to go to a spa on her hen weekend? Hen parties usually cover the cost of the bride. I see absolutely no reason why this woman should be granted special treatment, paid for by the bride, just because she's pregnant.

Millions of babies are born every year. It's a big deal for the parents. It's just another baby to everyone else.

The bride is entitled to have the hen party that she wants. It's HER party! The very reason everyone is getting together. If she wants a chilled out, laid back affair where a newborn baby would be fine, then great. If she wants something a bit more loud and lively which wouldn't be suitable for a baby then that is also fine.

I have 4 children. I love them. They gave nieces and nephews who I also love. All my friends have children. I'm very fond of them. But.. If I was being invited away for a hen weekend, I would expect it to be my opportunity to switch off and enjoy being someone other than a parent.

I think your friend is really hoping you'll tell her she doesn't have to go.

Give her the option of not going now, but being a last minute addition (without husband and baby) if she feels up to it at the time.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/01/2020 07:08

They gave nieces and nephews who I also love = I have nieces and nephews who I also love

🤷🏻‍♀️

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/01/2020 07:39

Just imagine someone suggesting a newborn and wife/partner go along on a, stag weekend.

The man would be told he's in an abusive relationship with a jealous controlling woman.

Cyberlibre · 15/01/2020 07:43

Don't allow her to bring the baby, it isn't a great idea at all. If she doesn't want to leave the baby (with expressed milk, which can be possible, or formula) then that is on her and it shouldn't force you to allow her to come.
By the way, that is not me saying that the bridesmaid is in the wrong for not wanting to leave the baby at 7 weeks, it is normal not to want to leave them that young. But sadly in life we can't always have everything. She needs to accept that.
I can't attend one of my best friend's wedding because I'm flying out that day to a relatives wedding. I couldn't change the day I fly due to logistics. I was gutted but it is life, you can't always plan for everything..

Sceptre86 · 15/01/2020 07:52

Change the date to earlier on. If she can come great, if not oh well. The two of you could go out for a meal closer to the time. The dynamics are very much likely to change if her partner and baby are there. She might well just be looking for a way out anyway.

JollyJlly · 15/01/2020 08:04

A 7 wk old baby will be feeding lots and lots. And to be honest she’ll gave no idea what her birth will be like, if she’s 2 wks late it will be 5 wks old. I’d say no to coming, if it’s really important to you to have her there then move earlier. I don’t think she’s really grasped the enormity or having a baby, she could still be struggling with complications and sleep loss etc.