WWYD - pregnant bridesmaid and hen party

[ConkerGame]

I’m getting married this October and my hen party is currently planned for the last weekend in September. One of my bridesmaids (a very close, old friend) has just told me that she is pregnant and due in early August. The baby would be roughly 7 weeks old on the hen weekend if born near the due date and she plans to breast feed.

The plan for the hen is a house in the countryside (3 hour drive from where we live due to excellent price), with sporty activities during the day and lots of alcohol in the evening. The only way my bridesmaid could be there is if she is able to bring her baby with her.

So here is my dilemma - I love my friend and always pictured her being at my hen party. I was also heavily involved in her wedding as a bridesmaid and planned her hen weekend. BUT I really don’t want a baby there. It would completely change the vibe and could even really bring the atmosphere down if it’s ill or won’t stop crying etc. My friend has very kindly offered to bring her husband with her to sit in her room with the baby so that she will be free for the weekend other than for feeding. This is very thoughtful of her and generous of him! But I still think it would really change the atmosphere as people would be wary of waking the baby/ the baby might wake people up with its crying / people are less likely to be in a carefree drunken mood knowing there’s a newborn in the house. Also lots of people are friends with the bridesmaid and her husband so are likely to want to go up to visit the baby / check my friend is ok whilst feeding/ say hi to the husband etc. From a selfish point of view, I don’t want the attention to be on a newborn!

So WWYD? So far I’ve thought of a) moving the hen to much earlier in the year so that she is still pregnant (not ideal as we’ve got everyone to save the date already, however we haven’t paid for it yet, so no financial loss), b) keeping the date but changing the plan, to just something in our local hometown. I would probably resent this as we spent a while looking for nice houses and I’d really like us all to stay together. C) asking her not to come - I think she would be upset about this and I would feel guilty, even though we planned the date before she announced her pregnancy. I would also really miss having her there! D) suck it up and hope it doesn’t change the vibe too much. It’s a big house so it’s not as if the baby would be under our feet. E) any other options??

I think it's a lot of overthinking considering she's not due and the party is 8 & 9 months away respectively.

I was in a similar situation, on day one we did a very chilled out pampering type thing and the mama and babe chose to come to that, the rest of the weekend was games and drinking. I told people the plan for the weekend and said come to the part(s) that work for you. Worked out well

Of course the husband and baby changes the dynamics.

I’d just be honest and say this one is going to be more for the party animals and strictly no men allowed but you can organise a nice lunch with her too where you’d love to meet the little one.

Where's that hilarious thread where the bridesmaid turned up with the baby and demanded a better room? I can't remember the title to search for it

Why can't she express and leave baby with husband

Not all women can express. And I'd be VERY impressed with a woman who could express enough to cover a full weekend!! The odd feed here and there, maybe. But a full weekend plus extra just in case?

I think she wants you to tell her she doesn't have to go. I'd also be afraid that if Daddy and baby were coming, other child would also be brought along, sure why not?! Honestly, there are others to consider on this weekend too. I was recently on a hen. It was so chilled and relaxed. All but one of us were parents, and every one of us completely switched off. Didn't give a second thought to home, babies, children etc. It was lovely. Had a baby (and husband) been brought along, I'm sure none of us would have complained but it would have been an entirely different weekend.

I'm probably different to everyone else, but a newborn there wouldn't bother me at all. There were 2 babies at my sister's hen do (the newborns of her 2 bridesmaids) and honestly I barely even realised they were there. Newborns don't really do much, although I suppose it depends on how relaxed the mum is, but our hen do there were no concessions made for the babies, we still had a very loud drunken karaoke party etc!

I don’t think she wants to go but rather than let you down she is coming up with compromises.

Just be honest with her. She will probably be relieved.

I certainly didn't mean the post to be manipulative. I meant it to bring another perspective to the conversation. Honestly, in 10 years are you going to remember a baby at your Hen Do? Life is too short (and sometimes miserable beyond your control) to get all worked up about something like this, IMO. I'm sure your Hen Do will be fabulous baby or no baby.

I think you sound awful tbh. She's meant to be a close friend and you are jealous of her yet unborn baby. Wah wah I want all the attention on me. Grow up fgs

@SunshineCake

Well to be fair she had all the attention on her at her hen and wedding! She said no children on either of those, it just happened to not affect me as I didn’t have kids!

And it’s not all about that - it’s more to do with the fact that the whole weekend won’t be as fun, as people won’t be up for a big night and boozing whilst they can hear a baby crying upstairs!

Well if you can't see that as manipulative, you may want to think about why you felt the need to mention a situation which has nothing to do with the OP's dilemma. And yep, in 10 years' time I would definitely remember if my hen weekend was dominated by a screaming newborn and a husband tiptoeing around.

This is the OP's hen weekend. It's her party, and she's allowed to have it exactly as she wants. And it's fine for her not to want babies or kids or husbands or anyone else there other than her friends.

Some of you are the sort of people who invite their husband along to a spa weekend aren't you? :(

what would the husband be like at making everyone's hangover breakfasts & general butler/dogsbody? Could have his uses!

I think I'd bring it forward, and just go for a meal locally - you can always do a weekend away next year at the location you've chosen for the hen weekend.

@pixikitkat

Where's that hilarious thread where the bridesmaid turned up with the baby and demanded a better room? I can't remember the title to search for it

I'll be so grateful if someone has a link for that. Me and DP have food poisoning tonight and I need something to distract me.

I've already done my favourite - Sistine Chapel, obviously - so I need another former favourite to enjoy 😂

I think when you start to talk about attention being taken away from you you lose me a bit tbh. Surely you dont want all the attention on you all the time?! Sounds weird and not very much fun for your hens. I agree the husband coming is a bit weird too but she sounds like a good friend and you may not get another chance to have such quality time with her for a while because life with two young children gets busy and a social life is even harder than with one. I dont think I've had such a long amount of time to spend with either of the mums who came to my hen since that weekend so I really look back on it fondly. It was lovely to have to babies to cuddle and fawn over in down times and there was no question of the babies getting in the way of the all night drinking and dancing with loud music! Ahhh it was brilliant. I think maybe you could relax a little more about it all but ultimately it's your hen so your choice.

Is there no travelodge or premier inn nearby that DH and baby can stay in, and she heads over there to sleep at night?

I think she is really trying not to let you down and to avoid disappointing you.

She won't know which way is up when the baby is that young!

I would try to organise a calmer, more pregnant woman friendly get together (movies, pizza, face masks) etc do and then explain to her gently that you love her and appreciate that she is making so much effort for you but you are planning on being a bit wild and would prefer no baby. I would always leave the space open for her, just in case she is desperate to come (without the baby or DH in tow).

Good luck.

I was in a similar position last year as the bridesmaid with a new baby. I didn't go on the hen do and tbh, our friendship is pretty much over as the bride just couldn't understand why I couldn't leave my 9 week old, breastfed baby at home with DH. I was still bridesmaid at the wedding and we've been out for drinks a few times since (with the baby as he hates life) but I don't actively make an effort with her anymore. She left me out of so many things that I could have been included in, even with the baby.

Not going to the hen do was definitely the right decision for us but please please try and include you bridesmaid in other aspects. Meet up when you get back, have lunches, invite her to dress fittings etc.

The husband-no way, but the baby I wouldn't have a problem with. I'd have taken either of mine to a hen do at that age, as they pretty much ate, slept and pooped. I'd take a sling and go and have fun. I don't drink, so it wouldn't alter things much for me, and I wouldn't see why people would need to sort anything to accommodate. Babies can be changed anywhere, don't require quiet, and if it's very loud, just use baby ear defenders. We were dancing at a festival with our first born at that age at midnight, with baby fast asleep on us.

Thatbeing said, it depends on the baby, and given some do cry a lot, maybe moving the weekend would be better.

I'm a bridesmaid for my friend and have a baby... I said I would only accept the role if she was happy that baby would be involved and at hen... she did agree (hubby is groomsman)

I'm attending the hen with hubby in the area... he will have some expressed milk and pop baby in for me to feed- not taking away from bride....

My question is can your friends hubby be elsewhere and pop baby in when needs feeding? And could they arrange their own accommodation? I would have been very upset if my friend had told me I couldn't attend hen due to baby and BF.... as I've planned a lot of it. There must be a solution somehow.

YANBU. Babies require alot of feeds, changes and sleep. Plus as new parents you can be exhausted and not always wanting to be away from baby too long. It will change the atmosphere. Plus you need so much stuff. I would look to arrange a small hen party locally e.g a nice meal out with her anyone else you'd like to join (Afternoon Tea would be good) either before baby is born or after so she could bring the baby along and feel involved with baby. Put it to her as a you don't want her to miss out but also you don't feel it appropriate for a newborn to be at the weekend away with lots of activities and alcohol, also it's girls time so you don't want to worry about a man in the house. Plus you could say you don't know how she'll be feeling after birth or if she'll be up to a weekend away. Do something to involve her aside from the weekend. She should understand if she's a close friend

The suggestions to pump and leave the baby are highly unlikely to be practical for a 7 week old.

Having a supply established enough to pump enough for a weekend at seven weeks would be unusual, as would being able to find the time to actually do the pumping, in between all the cluster feeding etc.

The baby may not take a bottle (mine never did), although less likely at younger ages.

Breastfeeding doesn't just comfort through food, and removing the boobs would likely leave the father with a very difficult to comfort baby.

Nevermind the reflux, colic etc that so many newborns have.

And then on top of all that, there's the mother's emotional state and whether she's ready to leave the baby (and pump every three hours while on a hen weekend to maintain supply, and possibly have to dump it all because she can't store or transport it properly).

I'm sure there are some that can leave an ebf seven week old, but I couldn't and neither could any of my friends.

Oh and ebf babies don't feed to a schedule, especially as newborns, so leaving the husband elsewhere for her to pop back for feeds wouldn't work either.

A hen isn't that important. Not important enough to include a baby just so someone can attend.

It's an adult night out. I wouldn't fancy going out for a night on the town with a newborn in tow, don't know why people think it's not that unusual to bring along a newborn.

I think her presense at the wedding would be more important (I can't even remembee who was on my hen night). Although my best friend from childhood, all the way through school couldn't make my wedding. We are still great friends 20 years later.

If your friendship depends solely on her presense at your hen, then the friendship must be flaky to begin with.

@YasssKween

Found it for you! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2998359-AIBU-You-dont-bring-a-toddler-to-a-hen-do

I can't remember if they turn up or not but it was an entertaining thread! Get well soon!