WWYD - pregnant bridesmaid and hen party

[ConkerGame]

I’m getting married this October and my hen party is currently planned for the last weekend in September. One of my bridesmaids (a very close, old friend) has just told me that she is pregnant and due in early August. The baby would be roughly 7 weeks old on the hen weekend if born near the due date and she plans to breast feed.

The plan for the hen is a house in the countryside (3 hour drive from where we live due to excellent price), with sporty activities during the day and lots of alcohol in the evening. The only way my bridesmaid could be there is if she is able to bring her baby with her.

So here is my dilemma - I love my friend and always pictured her being at my hen party. I was also heavily involved in her wedding as a bridesmaid and planned her hen weekend. BUT I really don’t want a baby there. It would completely change the vibe and could even really bring the atmosphere down if it’s ill or won’t stop crying etc. My friend has very kindly offered to bring her husband with her to sit in her room with the baby so that she will be free for the weekend other than for feeding. This is very thoughtful of her and generous of him! But I still think it would really change the atmosphere as people would be wary of waking the baby/ the baby might wake people up with its crying / people are less likely to be in a carefree drunken mood knowing there’s a newborn in the house. Also lots of people are friends with the bridesmaid and her husband so are likely to want to go up to visit the baby / check my friend is ok whilst feeding/ say hi to the husband etc. From a selfish point of view, I don’t want the attention to be on a newborn!

So WWYD? So far I’ve thought of a) moving the hen to much earlier in the year so that she is still pregnant (not ideal as we’ve got everyone to save the date already, however we haven’t paid for it yet, so no financial loss), b) keeping the date but changing the plan, to just something in our local hometown. I would probably resent this as we spent a while looking for nice houses and I’d really like us all to stay together. C) asking her not to come - I think she would be upset about this and I would feel guilty, even though we planned the date before she announced her pregnancy. I would also really miss having her there! D) suck it up and hope it doesn’t change the vibe too much. It’s a big house so it’s not as if the baby would be under our feet. E) any other options??

I had this same situation. My heavily pregnant best friend didn’t come to the hen party in the end and we discussed it and decided she’d just be a guest with no bridesmaid responsibilities but we both knew that she was my true matron of honour. It is what it is. Just be honest. Another friend at another friends hen, had her husband stay with newborn at a nearby hotel. She came to the hen party house for whatever she could make but went back to the newborn to sleep. That’s a good compromise?

I think this is really awkward I wouldn't know what to do for the best. For all you know, she may be doing all she can not to let you down by not coming and not be too thrilled with the plan, but you cant really know that without asking. But then, you risk hurting her feelings if she does genuinely want to come and you aren't keen on her being there with baby which I totally understand, I think it could potentially change the dynamic of the weekend.

I wouldn't be able to take that seriously. I'd laugh it off. She can't seriously bring a baby on a hen do! And husband!

Organise an afternoon tea with prosecco/G&T for those that want. Invite any oldies/MIL/Mum/gran/aunt - those that won't be at your big hen do. So a separate, less raucous occasion that she can come to with baby or sort before it is born. Would that work?x

So would DH be bringing the first child along with them also? You know, being as mum, dad and new baby are there the eldest DC May as well tag alon too [ grin]

I vote C Have to say if I was one of the other guests in the hen weekend I would drop out if there was going to be a bloke and a crying baby there. Weird of her (&him) to suggest the option tbh.

I have a 11 week old baby and no way would I bring her with me to a hen do (I also breastfeed). I think it's a crazy idea, just my personal opinion. I had to miss a close friend's hen do when I was pregnant because I had very bad sickness, and although I felt bad about letting her down I didn't want to be a 'burden' and have people worrying about me when they're just supposed to be having fun. I treated the bride to be to an afternoon tea and gave her a big bottle of champagne, she was happy with that. Also, travelling for 3 hours with a young baby would probably be very stressful, I wouldn't dream of doing that, personally.

I was maid of honour for my sister and in exactly the same situation.

I apologised for my absence and said I wouldn’t be able to attend her raucous, pissed up (and utterly fantastic 😁) weekend away.

We had a separate do for family (inc Aunts, Granny’s and my sober self.

Perhaps you could suggest this to your bridesmaid, in a kind way. Am sure she is also feeling awkward about the situation.

No I wouldn’t want that either, I had a rowdy weekend hen do and having a sober new mum and a newborn would have changed the dynamic. It would be fine if you just wanted a chilled weekend with friends but it sounds like you want drunken craziness! I think the other guests would modify their behaviour too and it’s kinda weird that someone’s husband would just be sat upstairs, you’d feel obliged to include him in some way.

I'd probably go for A or E.

Reasons eloquently explained by others above. I went on a couple of hen weekends when pregnant and as they're not just a night out, they worked quite well. You can dip in or out of activities as planned and just be the sober one or two in the evenings. As I don't think I've been on a hen weekend when someone wasn't pregnant!

I agree it would change the vibe somewhat to have a baby at a weekend event.
However with all due respect, it’s 9/10 months away. She may not breastfeed, she may decide she wants the break or may not want to go at all -
It’s really hard to know how you’ll feel after a baby and lots of things can happen between now and then.
Personally I’d say you’d love her to be there but you totally understand that she can’t say yes or no right now so you’ll base the numbers and financials on her not being there and if she fancies it and isn’t in fact breastfeeding at the time of the Hen you’d squeeze her in?

Thanks all. Her older child would be staying with her parents (she will be 4).

@JoHarrison of course I’m thrilled for her, but that doesn’t mean I don’t also want to have a really fun hen weekend without any babies there!

I did the big country house thing for my hen do. A baby definitely wouldn't have fit in well on that weekend. If I were you I'd just gently explain it just isn't going to work. It's a shame for her to miss it, but you're right about it entirely changing the vibe.

I'd say no to the baby & husband and arrange something else special with her closer to home like a nice dinner or afternoon tea.

I'm also thinking she's trying to be as flexible as possible. If you go for the option that she's not going to go, can you and her go and do something nice together before the wedding & baby number 2?

I've been to a hen do where one of the women brought her baby and DH. It did change the vibe of the night as all talk revolved around the baby. When they left and we carried on partying it was much more fun. No reflection on them as people, but it did dampen the festivities. She sounds like she's trying not to let you down.

Lipz did nobody say anything? Was the hen not annoyed, my god that woman had some cheek!! Op the post by Lipz is exactly why you have to say "Ah you'll be missed but don't worry we can do something ourselves maybe before baby comes, but no I'm afraid a baby and a husband, anybody's baby and husband, would totally change things"

I went to a hen weekend and one lady bought her 6 week old baby for half of it. It changed the atmosphere drastically and not in a good way!!

Why don't you suggest that the two of you celebrate by having a spa day with a nice lunch, before the baby is born. That way she still feels involved but can dip out of the main event?

I wouldn't attend a hen do with a baby, kid or husband there.

Be prepared for others to drop out if that ends up the chosen route.

You will probably lose her as a bridesmaid as well.

I would see if everyone can make it earlier in the year. She won’t be able to drink or possibly do some of the activities (although maybe these could be changed for ones she can do).

It is far easier to accommodate for someone that is pregnant that a newborn. I did a hen weekend at 8 months pregnant. I watched the zorbing, had a pedicure instead of a massage and drank sparkling apple juice from a flute!

I still went out both the evenings and even managed to dance!

I think the husband being there would be more of a 'No' than the baby. I would change the date.

I think she’s a bit silly not politely declining!

I haven’t been able to attend a hen do because I can’t breathe very well and I’d have really struggled with the activities that the bride wanted to do.

I helped her plan, I bought props and made a silly quiz but I didn’t go and that was best for everyone.

I don’t see how this situation is any different.

I would be honest and say to your friend that you don't want a baby there, thank her for trying to be accommodating with the DH plan so you have thought about it and decided that the options are:

Have her DH stay nearby with the baby and then she join in with as much as she can

Or

Move it to an earlier date but then she will still be pregnant and not able to join in with some activities/getting pissed.

If she's a good friend she will understand and be glad that she's getting some choice in the matter.

If she is coming with the baby then you need to make sure everyone else knows she is so they can decline if they want to.

I would just say no to her. You cannot pussyfoot around this or try and hint. If she’s that good a friend she deserves an honest conversation not being managed out.

Why dont you, Bridesmaid and baby go for a nice brunch or something as a seperate mini hen celebration. If you have other friends that know her and baby, they might want to come as well, so its another excuse for a getogether all in celebration of you as a bride. Its common now to do a hen do and a "home hen" for friends that couldnt make the hen do for reasons like pregnancy/new babies/date clashes, etc.