WWYD - pregnant bridesmaid and hen party

[ConkerGame]

I’m getting married this October and my hen party is currently planned for the last weekend in September. One of my bridesmaids (a very close, old friend) has just told me that she is pregnant and due in early August. The baby would be roughly 7 weeks old on the hen weekend if born near the due date and she plans to breast feed.

The plan for the hen is a house in the countryside (3 hour drive from where we live due to excellent price), with sporty activities during the day and lots of alcohol in the evening. The only way my bridesmaid could be there is if she is able to bring her baby with her.

So here is my dilemma - I love my friend and always pictured her being at my hen party. I was also heavily involved in her wedding as a bridesmaid and planned her hen weekend. BUT I really don’t want a baby there. It would completely change the vibe and could even really bring the atmosphere down if it’s ill or won’t stop crying etc. My friend has very kindly offered to bring her husband with her to sit in her room with the baby so that she will be free for the weekend other than for feeding. This is very thoughtful of her and generous of him! But I still think it would really change the atmosphere as people would be wary of waking the baby/ the baby might wake people up with its crying / people are less likely to be in a carefree drunken mood knowing there’s a newborn in the house. Also lots of people are friends with the bridesmaid and her husband so are likely to want to go up to visit the baby / check my friend is ok whilst feeding/ say hi to the husband etc. From a selfish point of view, I don’t want the attention to be on a newborn!

So WWYD? So far I’ve thought of a) moving the hen to much earlier in the year so that she is still pregnant (not ideal as we’ve got everyone to save the date already, however we haven’t paid for it yet, so no financial loss), b) keeping the date but changing the plan, to just something in our local hometown. I would probably resent this as we spent a while looking for nice houses and I’d really like us all to stay together. C) asking her not to come - I think she would be upset about this and I would feel guilty, even though we planned the date before she announced her pregnancy. I would also really miss having her there! D) suck it up and hope it doesn’t change the vibe too much. It’s a big house so it’s not as if the baby would be under our feet. E) any other options??

I think the only way it could work is if they stayed in a hotel or another cottage and she joined in for what she could. That way she's also taking her own financial risk in case she's not up for it when the time comes.

I really really wouldn't want them at the house with the rest of you. If you're friendly people you're going to feel really bad for the husband cooped up in a room whilst you're all having fun so he'll end up coming down for a drink etc and before you know it the whole vibe will have changed.

Don't cancel it if she doesn't go for that suggestion, just do a local meal/drinks too.

CalmdownJanet people mainly spoke between themselves. Bad I know but she was a bit weepy and we didn't want to upset her. Tbh I swore before hand I wasn't getting involved with the baby as I had major shit at my own hens when my sil turned up with her 8 year old so I know how saying something can cause offence and arguments.

But I ended up holding the baby too, you do, it's there it just comes naturally. As a ft carer to my own dd this break away was top of my list, drinking early eating good food, dancing, partying etc just like others there but we all ended up doing a certain amount.

The bride did 90% of the planned events but lots of the group missed out staying with the mother. Even just grabbing some food you were eyeing if the pram would fit in, you were checking out the noise, seeing if there's baby changing facilities.

It's a hard one to say anything, we did try before the break away but the mother was adamant that we would not notice baby. She couldn't even go to the pubs, so would want us to all stay in . We had all got new clothes and wanted pubs, clubs then fall back to the house.

My sister had a 4 week old around the time of my hen, I knew what it was like having a baby so i made sure the hen was organised in her hometown so she could dip in and out for the weekend. But that was because it was my sister. Your friend may not even want to go when it comes to it - if she has the baby late it’ll be even younger. I would either make it earlier if it’s not going to cause too much issue or arrange something with her or another night out for her to be on x

You need to change to an earlier date to when she’s still be pregnant, or she should just gracefully decline attending the hen do.

I think there's a strong chance she doesn't want to let you down, OP, but secretly might not mind being let off the hook on this. I think I would say,"Oh gosh, I can't expect you to do that, you'll be exhausted with a tiny baby and we might keep you and the baby awake all night." If necessary allude to another guest (unnamed) possibly having fertility issues and therefore a baby not being appropriate. I'd suggest you and she do a nice spa day locally with lunch this summer while she is still pg. She'll probably be relieved! It might be disappointing for you if she's not there but in the long run it won't be a big deal, as long as she is there for your wedding.

No no no!!!

I'd change the date.

I can’t believe the husband would want to sit in the room all weekend! Therefore people will ask him to join in

If it’s two nights suggests she comes for one, or if she wants to come to it all then they stay elsewhere and he can deal with the baby. Surely she could express?

Or if she doesn’t want to do that then either change the weekend, or suggest you do something together at another time.

I went to a hen in a house, no way would it work with a man and a baby there and 8 don’t really think it’s fair of your friend to suggest that.

I was the pregnant one in this situation with a baby who would h e been 5 months at hen and 6 months at wedding. Hen wasn’t local to me and was a big trip. I planned to do exactly as your friend has offered, although we were staying in a hotel so my DH wouldn’t have been intrusive.

I ended up ducking out of the hen weekend because I wasn’t able to leave my super clingy Uber feeding baby, because my MH wasn’t great. I made sure there was no financial loss to the over hens and I spoke to the bride about it. Made it to the wedding and had a fab time. Make sure she knows that you would adore for her to be there but that a 7 week old has the potential to be v hard work (not everyone finds the baby stage a breeze) and there is no obligation for her.

@Chloemol that’s a bit presumptuous about expressing. Not everyone is blessed you know! I BF to 18m but could barely express a drop!!!

If she really wants to be there, couldn’t she just come alone for a short time? Her and husband stay nearby. She comes round for dinner or a couple of hours in the afternoon

Best suggestion so far ...

I think she's doing her best to accommodate your plans because she knows how much you want her to attend. You should let her know it's okay to skip it and that you'll do something else together. It's not the baby's fault that they'll be 7 weeks old on your party date. You'll have to accept the baby needs their mom more than you do. I hope you have a lovely celebration and get the chance to spend some quality time with your friend at another time. x

Oh wow Lipz that sounds very annoying!!

Your sil bringing her 8 year old to your hen sounds like a thread in itself 😂 What the hell is wrong with people!

I recently went to a friend's hen with an 8 week old. I just went for the day and joined them for a pub lunch and then my husband came and took her so I could spend a couple of hours in the spa with them in the afternoon. I was invited to the whole thing though and noone seemed to think it was in any way as big a deal as people on here seem to. I had two people with babies at my own hen and it didnt occur to me to ask them not to come. They just prioritised their babies, we prioritised our fun (lots of it! Babies didnt detract in the slightest) and it was all totally fine. We are a fairly relaxed bunch though...

I suggested meeting up for dinner in our town so I could celebrate with her and I wouldn't have to leave the baby.

Excellent suggestion. It's sad that she won't be there but presumably, she chose to have a baby.

As you already know the date surely she can just express extra milk (to cover the time she’ll be away and the time her milk won’t be safe) until the hen do and her husband can just defrost it and feed the baby.

Have 2 hen dos.. local earlier in the year one..
and the big house..
I wouldn't want a baby at my hen do. And my baby would of been a nightmare. Colic at 7 weeks was going strong

Why can't she express and leave baby with husband 🙄

Why can't she express and leave baby with husband

Plenty of women aren’t happy leaving a 7 week old baby for a weekend. I wouldn’t judge her negatively for that.

I think I am probably one of the oldest people on here. And as such, I would like to share a story. When my best, oldest friend got married I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. When I realized the wedding would be so close to my due date and I would be gigantic and couldn't wear the same dress as the others and of course couldn't drink at any of the fun events, I went to her and told her I would certainly drop out of the wedding party, attend the wedding and be my most entertaining bring a really big gift. The Brides response? She said "I don't care what you wear, what you look like or anything else. I want the people I love the most to be standing with me on that altar". Now I know this isn't exactly the same but 2 years later she was dead. Those memories sustained me through that awful time. Your friend wants to be there with you. She has made arrangements as well as she can for her child. This is important for her to share this time with you. It should be important to you too.

A hen do is not a wedding momtoboys. I’m sorry for your loss.

I don’t think it’s relevant to the op’s situation at all.

Baby there, maybe. Husband - absolutely not!!!

That is a really appallingly manipulative post mom.

OP - I'd just be straight with her. Tell her you're thrilled for her and it's really sweet of her to try and figure out a way to come but it's not going to work.

It's your hen weekend. It's about what you want and bringing a baby and a husband definitely wouldn't be my idea of a fun hen weekend.

Honestly, it’s a hen do. There will be other nights out, I don’t get all the fuss? Ask her honestly what she’d like to do, coming for a few hours might be doable or for a meal but I couldn’t and wouldn’t expect her to come. Celebrate your hen earlier (albeit she’d be pregnant) or do something seperately with her that she may be in a position to have a few baby free hours for.

If I was her I wouldn't have suggested bringing the baby or husband! I say that with a 12 week old currently and all my babies so far have been good. Fairly good sleepers and only cry if hungry. No way would I have been so rude as to suggest it and put you in the awful position of awkwardly saying no or feeling forced to say yes. If you suggested it........Still no!

I would have suggested just the two of us go for a meal or do something of your choice to celebrate with you.