Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to meet a half-sibling you never knew you had?

172 replies

AmyFarrahFowlersTiara · 13/01/2020 09:47

There is no way to tell the backstory to this without it being horribly outing, so I am going to jump straight to the question:

If you found out you have a half-sibling after the death of a parent you were nc with, would you want to meet your sibling?

Roughly same ages but going by SM, we have nothing in common, very different lives. I really do not see the point in wanting to meet them - AIBU?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 13/01/2020 11:11

Personally I would want to meet them but I respect the decision not to. It's a personal thing.

Original poster
AmyFarrahFowlersTiara · 13/01/2020 11:13

Right, I'll be offline for a couple of hours to actually get some work done today (home office, a blessing and a curse) but just to clarify, I am very comfortable with the decision not too meet them.

To add the little detail I can without outing myself, I had no contact with the parent we are related through or their family, so this is not an emotionally charged issue for me. However, I obviously spoke about it with friends and was surprised at the number of people who said they would get in touch. Many of whom HATE their siblings while I always quite enjoyed being an only-child.
I moved overseas and rarely manage the 10h trip home so it is tough enough to keep in touch with the blood relatives I love and have shared memories with. I could also be made liable to any debt and/or cost of carers in some circumstances if my sibling's partner and children cannot afford to pay (that is complicated, state-enforced stuff, no way to opt out for them or me). Right now, there is no paper trail connecting us and I would like to keep it that way, partly for this reason.

I'm genuinely just curious what others would do, so thank you very much for all the replies thus far! It also really interesting to hear from others who have been in this situation - I do not know anyone in real life who has "been there, done that".

OP posts:
Watermelontea · 13/01/2020 11:14

I would want to meet them, just out of curiosity really, but YANBU for not wanting to.

My DF has 4 half siblings, and has never wanted to try and get in touch. I doubt they know he exists, as his father ran for the hills when my grandmother said she was pregnant, so he wouldn’t want to open that can of worms for them.

CecilyP · 13/01/2020 11:14

I would; I wouldn't be able to contain my curiousity. However, DH found out in his 30s that he had a half brother and he has no interest at all in making contact. So there is no right answer really.

justaperson · 13/01/2020 11:14

If they asked me to meet them I would.

Having been the one who instigated contact with half siblings who were kind enough to meet me it helped me lay some ghosts to rest.

Cobblersandhogwash · 13/01/2020 11:16

I wouldn't. I couldn't be bothered.

It could also be messy and unpleasant.

Having a look at FB profiles is a good idea to get some initial impressions.

payingfortime · 13/01/2020 11:18

I do have one, and no I have no desire to meet. Not right now, anyway (but maybe after the death of my father...maybe)

However, it doesn't matter what others would or wouldn't do, OP.

If you do not want to meet, that is perfectly fine and reasonable. Do what's right for you.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 13/01/2020 11:22

A relative of mine was put into care as a baby and, although she contacted her mum when she became a young mum herself, they remained NC until just before her mum died. Not long afterwards she was contacted by a half-sibling she knew nothing about and, although they live very different lives in different countries, they get on amazingly well and see each other often.They have many differences but loads of stuff in common too. They both see it as a fabulous happy ending.

TigerOnATrain · 13/01/2020 11:24

@AgnusandMagnus

But why WOULDN'T you want to meet a half sibling you never knew you had?

Why WOULD you? Confused This is a person you have never met before, you have not grown up with, you have no history with, and you will probably have nothing in common with. WTF would you even talk about? The twat of a parent you went no contact with? Hmm

@justilou1

You might need a kidney one day!

As for what if you need a kidney? Is that a joke? As if I would ask some stranger (and that is what they would be) for a bloody kidney. And no I would NOT give them one.

My 2 DC would be the only ones who would get one, and my actual full siblings. Not some half sibling sprung from the parent I have had fuck-all to do with for a several decades.

Some people on here come up with some weird shit.

These are probably the same posters who would answer the door to any stranger knocking, invite them, in, offer them tea and cake, and let them stay for a month, because these posters are so NICE...... Wink

Kanga83 · 13/01/2020 11:24

I've cut out a half sibling who is ten years younger than me as I went n/c with my dad when I was 18. To be honest, being a half sibling doesn't mean anything other than some shared genes. It depends if you want to explore this other side, but no, YANBU for not seeing the point either.

TigerOnATrain · 13/01/2020 11:24

@TamponPhobia

My biological father who I have never met has other children.

I have no interest in meeting them, even if they reached out to me. I have my family who I love. I am happy. They are strangers I'm not willing to have in my life.

This X 1000. I can't imagine why anyone would want to let these strangers into their life.

loobyloo1234 · 13/01/2020 11:24

I would. I don't have tons in common with my siblings but they are my best friends nonetheless - it is a bond that I love. I know it's not the same for everyone but if there were a chance of that bond with one other person, I would meet once, just out of curiosity

Aneley · 13/01/2020 11:25

I would. Not their fault and no reason why not to. You may find more in common than you expect and also - what harm can it be even if you don't. It's not like meeting the half-sibling is a life-long obligation for frequent interaction.

BlaueLagune · 13/01/2020 11:26

I agree there's no right or wrong answer. I have a much older half sister who I've not seen since I was 15. She didn't want anything to do with our father, and thought seeing me would be a back door. Even though our father is now dead, we have very sporadic contact.

Sandbox · 13/01/2020 11:28

I’ve got a half brother I grew up with who I really, really dislike and wish I didn’t have to see him.
I’ve got a much younger half brother in a different country I’ve never met and have no intentions of meeting.
My son has a half brother he’s never met which saddens me but my extended family is awful so we tend to make our friends our family instead.

coffeeandpyjamas · 13/01/2020 11:29

I wouldn’t tbh. I have 2 half siblings over a decade older than me. Saw little of them when I was a child and since becoming adults one has been in and out of prison for years. The other I do have a low contact relationship with since we had our own kids but it’s sort of more out of obligation to please our shared parent.

juniperlily · 13/01/2020 11:33

I met a half sibling 2 years ago. I never knew about him but he knew about me. Our shared parent was ill at the time and has since passed.
He's a lovely man and I'm glad to have met him and we will continue to have a relationship I think.
My approach was... why not? And it paid off in a new brother who I really like.

doritosdip · 13/01/2020 11:34

But why WOULDN'T you want to meet a half sibling you never knew you had?

You don't choose who you're related to. You probably have as much in common as a stranger in the street. Having a parent in common isn't always a good thing. It's damaging if the child was the product of an affair or the parent behaved wildly different with each child. Imagine you had a crap father who was brilliant with your half sibling or vice versa? Very damaging I expect.

Hobbesmanc · 13/01/2020 11:35

I got in contact with my younger three half siblings when my mum died. One failed to show up to a meeting, one did but then decided to have no further contact. The third has had sporadic contact over the last decade. The core problem was that they are understandably very defensive of our shared father and their mother- and I loathe them lol.

However I have forged a really strong friendship with the now divorced wife of one of the brothers and her kids so something positive came from it.

Culturally, socially, emotionally we had nothing at all in common

Butchyrestingface · 13/01/2020 11:37

Perhaps I'm slightly different as I'm an only child, but I'd be very open to the idea of meeting a half-sibling. They're a blood relative - wouldn't you want to meet them?

I’m an only child too, following the death of my full sibling in childhood. I don’t think I’d have any interest in meeting a half-sibling now, aged 41.

I have lots of blood relatives, don’t have much if any contact with quite a few of them so don’t know simply by being a ‘blood’ relative it would lead to the cultivation of a special relationship.

MorganKitten · 13/01/2020 11:43

I’ve met one of three half siblings, I knew about two as my mum answered questions about bio dad.
The one I met was shocked and had tried to flirt with me.. when I told him who I was he freaked out. Older one refused to meet due to fall out with bio dad. Youngest doesn’t know about me as he’s 15 and bio dad refuses to tell him.

doritosdip · 13/01/2020 11:44

If you were NC with that parent then you probably haven't thought about them for years and have come to terms with the NC reasons. Meeting the half-sibling could be rehashing shit that you want to leave in the past and not share with a stranger.

Damntheman · 13/01/2020 11:44

To give a vague counterpoint. I have 3 full siblings, and I also have 3 half siblings who are all over a decade older than me. My half sister I see at xmas every other year (when I am in the UK), we don't communicate outside these points but get along well enough. My oldest half brother I see on a similar frequency but chat a little on whatsapp in between. He is a bit of a second dad for me after our own dad died a couple of years ago. I love him to bits. My other half brother I ADORE him. I see him twice a year, sometimes three times a year and we chat ALL the time. He'd go far out of his way to help me and I'd do the same. I love his wife, I'm close with his daughters (who are only a year or two younger than me). My kids adore his granddaughters, it's wonderful. I wouldn't be without him.

You never know what a half sibling will be until you meet. They could be awful, they could be wonderful. It's a risk you have to take (or not take as the case may be) and nobody should judge you either way. OP if you don't want to meet your half sibling then that is up to you and there is nothing wrong with your decision. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Racmactac · 13/01/2020 11:47

I met my two older half siblings when my f died. The one wanted nothing to do with me until a few years ago - I declined.

The other one was in my life for a years and then dropped out of my life. He is a repeat of my f. A useless piece of shit, alcoholic and crap parent. He has tried to make contact several times over the years.
His kids and his ex wife however who are now grown up are amazing. They call me auntie. I get invited to family occasions and I am really
Close to my nephew. They have no contact with their father at all.

SVRT19674 · 13/01/2020 11:49

If the other side wanted to meet, yes.