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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you want to meet a half-sibling you never knew you had?

172 replies

AmyFarrahFowlersTiara · 13/01/2020 09:47

There is no way to tell the backstory to this without it being horribly outing, so I am going to jump straight to the question:

If you found out you have a half-sibling after the death of a parent you were nc with, would you want to meet your sibling?

Roughly same ages but going by SM, we have nothing in common, very different lives. I really do not see the point in wanting to meet them - AIBU?

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 13/01/2020 11:49

Dh has 2 half siblings he has never met. His father was an utter disgrace and he only saw him twice in his life. They want contact with him and he has now blocked them.

BlindAssassin1 · 13/01/2020 11:52

DP said no. But he keeps his family at arms length and just concentrates on us.

There's a long history of childhood neglect, and general crap parenting which I think influences the decision.

There was some attempt to contact them a few years ago when lawyers needed to reach them for an unexpected inheritance. Even years later she was still listed as having not collected the money.

I suspect either substantial mental health issues or perhaps a prison sentence, given the shitty childhood stuff its not impossible. Its also why DP doesn't want to get dragged into their life. How he's lifted himself up is quite remarkable, but also why he stays clear of them.

elliejjtiny · 13/01/2020 11:53

I would, but then I'm nosy.

TigerOnATrain · 13/01/2020 11:57

@Damntheman

To give a vague counterpoint. I have 3 full siblings, and I also have 3 half siblings who are all over a decade older than me. My half sister I see at xmas every other year (when I am in the UK), we don't communicate outside these points but get along well enough.

My oldest half brother I see on a similar frequency but chat a little on whatsapp in between. He is a bit of a second dad for me after our own dad died a couple of years ago. I love him to bits. My other half brother I ADORE him. I see him twice a year, sometimes three times a year and we chat ALL the time.

He'd go far out of his way to help me and I'd do the same. I love his wife, I'm close with his daughters (who are only a year or two younger than me). My kids adore his granddaughters, it's wonderful. I wouldn't be without him.

What a wonderful, lovely, fluffy, sugary, gooey story. 🙄

However, it seems from your tale of joy and elation, that you have known these half siblings for many years...... (since you were quite young by the sound of it,) and they have been a part of your life. And also that the father you all lost was very dear to you all.

Not quite the same as a half-sibling popping up in your life, when you're in your 30s or 40s (or older,) who you have NEVER met before, and who has the same father, who you went no-contact with several decades ago, because the relationship was toxic, and damaging to your mental health and well-being.

Not quite the same, IS it? Wink

Damntheman · 13/01/2020 12:00

As I said Tiger. No decision here is right or wrong and OP shouldn't let anyone judge their decision. No need to be nasty about my experience provided for counterpoint of a potential outcome.

justilou1 · 13/01/2020 12:04

@TigerOnATrain - As my DD2 may need one sooner rather than later (She was born with only one kidney and it’s deformed, and not performing at full capacity) and none of us are suitable tissue matches. If my wider family are unsuitable, I won’t be above asking strangers, begging people I loathe, etc... I wasn’t actually being flippant. You don’t know what’s around the corner for you or your family.

TheTrollFairy · 13/01/2020 12:05

Just because you share DNA doesn’t mean you should meet them if you aren’t comfortable with it.

Do you know it they were in contact with the parent you are both related to? This would probably determine if I would see them or not. If they were also NC then I might meet them

LeaderBee · 13/01/2020 12:09

I know my father is still alive but I never met him; I have no desire to meet him now either as he would just be like meeting a total stranger; not much point.

Zebracat · 13/01/2020 12:10

This came up in my family recently. Although the 2 people appear to have little in common, they are weirdly similar, both very beautiful, intelligent and empathetic, even though their shared parent was a total wankbadger!
1 was very reluctant to meet, because of past trauma, but it has become a very important and positive relationship for both.

myidentitymycrisis · 13/01/2020 12:11

Yes, if I could I would be so curious. I found after my DF died that he'd had a child before he was married to my mum, but she was never spoken of. This was way back in the 1950's and the child's mother was married to someone else and had an affair. No idea who they were or if the child ever knew.

AlwaysThinkingOfNames · 13/01/2020 12:14

No.
I am non contact with a parent.
If they have other children, they are strangers to me. I have shared my life with the siblings I grew up with.
I would not consider them a sibling, to be honest.
It is, of course, an individual choice though. No right or wrong answer.

FrangipaniBlue · 13/01/2020 12:14

My DM divorced my (abusive) biological father when she found out she was having me.

I've never had anything to do with him so it's possible I have half siblings that I don't know about.

I could probably find out if I wanted to but I don't, nor would I have any interest in meeting them if I somehow did find out.

TheSandman · 13/01/2020 12:15

I would. I suspect I have at least one other half brother somewhere - who would be in his early 50s now. Something my dad once said when I was a young man makes me think that. My dad is dead now and the only time I did try and raise the subject with him led to a blazing row which completely reset our relationship. He didn't deny it but didn't admit it and it was, 'none of your fucking business' anyway.

My wife met two half sisters when she was in her 30s - for several years she and one of the new discovered sisters were BFFs - things have cooled a bit since.

Drabarni · 13/01/2020 12:16

Of course YANBU, it's your life and you have your own reason.
I was shunned by my half sibling, I gave her the chance and she said no.
I was a bit upset for a while as don't take rejection well (adopted) but I got over it and i just think her loss.
For this reason if I got a request from a family member wanting to meet, I'd agree.
But we are all different.

Angel2702 · 13/01/2020 12:21

Yes of course I’d want to meet a relative as close as a half sibling, would be weird not to regardless of what sort of lives you lead.

My Dad just found out he has 4 siblings and despite them being very different from us made contact with them out of curiosity.

We found half siblings of my grandmother in another country and they have become very close with us and visited.

hazeyjane · 13/01/2020 12:26

No.
(I became aware of a half sibling several years ago)

Highonpotandused · 13/01/2020 12:26

I have a half-sibling I have never met. My siblings are concerned that she would have a claim on the house hence they don’t want to meet them Hmm I didn’t get the house so I don’t give a shit about it but have too much stress to open this can of worms.

Aridane · 13/01/2020 12:27

Gosh - have to say I’m surprised at the virulently hostile tone of some posters.

Out of mild curiosity, I would probably do so if sibling wanted also to do so

Aridane · 13/01/2020 12:28

It got me wondering whether people just have a strange idealistic Hallmark-movie view on these things.

Just curiosity I suspect

SuperMeerkat · 13/01/2020 12:31

Totally your choice. I was amazed to find out that I had an older half sister about 5 years ago. We met up a few times and spoke on the phone for about 2 years but things just fizzled out as we didn’t really have anything in common. She’s 15 years older than me and obviously we didn’t have the shared experiences that my younger sister and I had growing up, holidays, school, weddings, babies etc. We just chat on FB now from time to time.

Arthritica · 13/01/2020 12:33

I don’t think I would want to, but it would depend on how I felt about the parent we shared and the circumstances.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/01/2020 12:43

I probably would just out of curiosity but there's no right or wrong answer imo

DariaMorgendorffer · 13/01/2020 12:55

No (I know I have more than one)

wonkylegs · 13/01/2020 13:28

I found out I have a half sibling born just before my parents were married/together but only very slightly older than me as I was a honeymoon baby.
My parents haven't told me however my mum has dementia and I am now in control of her affairs & paperwork and she had kept a file on it to blackmail my dad (she wasn't a very nice person prior to the dementia)

I haven't asked my dad as I think it would wreck our relationship (he's very private) and I rely on him a lot to help with my mum (they are divorced but he's still very kind to her)
I am intrigued but I have decided to let things lie for now. I haven't told my siblings yet, as I think it would cause ructions.

Appletreehouse · 13/01/2020 13:41

My aunt (adopted) met her half siblings in her 60's and they keep in contact and meet up once a year so it's been ok, but they have absolutely nothing in common and some parts of the family have not been welcoming which she finds very painful.

My dad (also adopted and not a blood of his sister either) traced his family but chose not to make contact. He was counselled by a social worker who discussed the upsides and potential risks, especially so late in his life.

Nobody should pressure you either way.
It's a very personal thing, I hope you can make your peace with your decision and try not to be upset with people's opinions as it's not their life Flowers