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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you want to meet a half-sibling you never knew you had?

172 replies

AmyFarrahFowlersTiara · 13/01/2020 09:47

There is no way to tell the backstory to this without it being horribly outing, so I am going to jump straight to the question:

If you found out you have a half-sibling after the death of a parent you were nc with, would you want to meet your sibling?

Roughly same ages but going by SM, we have nothing in common, very different lives. I really do not see the point in wanting to meet them - AIBU?

OP posts:
AgnusandMagnus · 13/01/2020 10:19

I would. Why wouldn't you? You have to remember have of Mumsnet won't open their door if someone knocks unexpectedly. Why not find out who they are. You don't have to keep a relationship going if it doesn't work out.

halcyondays · 13/01/2020 10:20

Yes, out of curiosity.

Butterfly02 · 13/01/2020 10:22

Would you ever regret it if you never met and half sibling passed away?
Does or could half sibling know about you? If so would you prefer to be in control of a meeting rather than said sibling appearing in your life out of the blue?
My ds chose to meet half siblings (his dad chose not to have anything to do with him) when he was 13 met them once out of curiosity and has chosen not to make any more contact as they have nothing in common and his curiosity had been satisfied. It was the best thing he did as it was then layed to rest and he could get on with his life without the worry. However I'm not sure I'd have wanted to do the same in his shoes. I think it's a very individual choice.

aNonnyMouse1511 · 13/01/2020 10:23

I would.

Bloatstoat · 13/01/2020 10:26

DH has a half sibling he only found out about and met as an adult. She lives overseas so he has actually only met her twice. She's a very nice woman, but they didn't have much in common, he says he doesn't really feel anything for her because they are essentially strangers. I don't think he'd see her or contact her more if we were all in the same country - DH really only met her because she came to see FIL (he is father of both of them) and FIL wanted them to meet. I suppose what I'm saying is everyone is different, but you're certainly not alone in not really feeling anything towards an unknown half sibling, there's nothing wrong in deciding not to pursue a relationship.

iolaus · 13/01/2020 10:28

My husband knows he has a half sibling from his father (hasn't really seen his father since he was a toddler - can't remember how he found out) - he has no particular desire to meet her, says if she wanted to meet then he would (I would want to if I was in that situation but it's not me - I did look her up on facebook though)

diddl · 13/01/2020 10:30

Probably not now.

I'm mid 50s with a full sibling, my own family & friends.

That's enough.

Some years ago curiosity might have got the better of me I think.

Or if I didn't already have a sibling.

Blingismything · 13/01/2020 10:34

I have one and no, I haven't specifically met her. She was at our father's funeral, she was 10, I was in my twenties. So have seen her. Didn't speak as the new 'family' didn't attend the wake. Discovered he had remarried and had a child a couple of days before the funeral.

Daisy7654 · 13/01/2020 10:39

I would.
The more family the better imo. After I lost my parents I used to dream, for years, that I had a long lost sibling I never knew, as now I only have distant aunts and cousins.
My late dad was quite a womaniser so it wasn't too much of a stretch.
This person is your brother/ sister and that trumps everything imo.

LumpyPillow · 13/01/2020 10:41

I'm sorry the people around you are treating your decision like you're mad, that's really unfair.

I wouldn't feel any burning desire to meet up, especially if like you say, you don't feel you would have much in common. You could be wrong and may get on, but even still, being related to someone doesn't mean you owe anyone anything or that you absolutely have to remain linked to them.

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/01/2020 10:42

It’s a very individual choice. Hence you are NBU, it’s up to you. Personally I would, maybe just the once, as I would want to meet them.

justilou1 · 13/01/2020 10:44

You might need a kidney one day, OP... maybe one of your children will. It could be worth meeting him/her just for this alone. Who know? You could make a friend....

FreckledLeopard · 13/01/2020 10:47

I agree with @Daisy7654. Why would you not want the chance of having a sibling relationship?

Perhaps I'm slightly different as I'm an only child, but I'd be very open to the idea of meeting a half-sibling. They're a blood relative - wouldn't you want to meet them?

SirVixofVixHall · 13/01/2020 10:49

I would very much want to meet a sibling, you may have deeper things in common than your lives suggest.

MrsTWH · 13/01/2020 10:54

I absolutely would meet them. But that’s because I have practically no family and would really appreciate the chance to see if a relationship would develop. But that would only be the case of both sides were willing.

If you don’t want to meet them, then don’t. It’s your choice.

Blackbird1234 · 13/01/2020 10:58

I'm in my twenties and recently found out I have a half-sibling. I wasn't too fussed about meeting them, I don't/didn't particularly have any questions as they didn't even know that their parent wasn't their biological parent, so we were both as surprised as each other. I ended up meeting them and it was fine, bit weird, not awkward but I'm just not too fussed, it was like meeting up with a friend of a friend.

If you have questions and are curious then go for it, there's nothing to lose. If you don't like him/her then so be it, don't see them again, if you do like him/her then you've gained a relative/friend.

Ofthread · 13/01/2020 11:00

I am in similar situation & wouldn't. F went no contact with me/us when I was still a v young child & had another family - also v close in age. Only indirect contact I've ever had with them was when they tried to gaslight us/my brother for never being in touch with F or them.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/01/2020 11:03

I found out that I have a half brother about 13 years ago. I spoke to him on the phone but I'm not at all interested in meeting him in person. He wanted far too much from me and tried to behave like my big brother. I wasn't up for that at all, and he had a tantrum which made the decision final.
He is far too like our shared mother for me to ever have a relationship with him. She isn't dead, but we are NC now.

Damntheman · 13/01/2020 11:03

I won't vote because you're not unreasonable to not want to. But I definitely would! You don't know who that person is until you meet and there's the chance they could dramatically enhance your life. I couldn't let that opportunity slide.

TheSpottedZebra · 13/01/2020 11:04

I'm also surprised at the replies on here - usually they are more along g the lines of Yay, more family! More people to love of COURSE we'd meet and it might hopefully all be lovely.

I notice these threads as I have a surprise half sibling. We've met - we had nothing else in common and we haven't kept in touch. It wasn't bad, just nothing.

lostsoulsunited · 13/01/2020 11:06

Yes because I have no siblings

81Byerley · 13/01/2020 11:07

When my kids were in their twenties they found out they had a half brother, and decided to meet. He has become a very much loved brother to all of them, and he's welcomed to all family occasions, along with his partner and children. You never ever know how these things will turn out, and even if you meet and decide not to meet again, you haven't lost anything.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 13/01/2020 11:08

I would probably be shocked and not really want to meet them. However, I think, in time, I would be curious so would probably want to meet up because I'd want answers.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/01/2020 11:10

I forgot to say that when I first found out about him I was quite excited to have a brother (I have loads of sisters) and I did make contact with him. It just didn't work out for me. I also underestimated how difficult it would be for me that he looks so very much like our grandfather (who was pretty unpleasant to me and greatly favoured my older sister).

If you are content with never knowing, then that's the right path for you. I am much too nosey to not have at least found out, but would caution others not to expect too much.

Tamponphobia · 13/01/2020 11:10

My biological father who I have never met has other children.

I have no interest in meeting them, even if they reached out to me. I have my family who I love. I am happy. They are strangers I'm not willing to have in my life.