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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you want to meet a half-sibling you never knew you had?

172 replies

AmyFarrahFowlersTiara · 13/01/2020 09:47

There is no way to tell the backstory to this without it being horribly outing, so I am going to jump straight to the question:

If you found out you have a half-sibling after the death of a parent you were nc with, would you want to meet your sibling?

Roughly same ages but going by SM, we have nothing in common, very different lives. I really do not see the point in wanting to meet them - AIBU?

OP posts:

SwedishEdith · 13/01/2020 21:23

I think I'd need to meet them at least once just to see what they're like. Do we look alike? But, I had good relationships with my parents. If I'd hated the parent in common, that might be different.

I'm surprised at how many definite 'nos' there are here.

Paramaribo0 · 13/01/2020 21:40

I have been in this very situation recently. I found out I had 2 half siblings that knew about me growing up but I didn't know about them.
We are all in our 30s and I met them in the summer (they live in another country) it was an incredibly emotional meeting, but absolutely wonderful and life changing. I've met them again since and we keep in contact via messaging.
They are uncles to my children and we have a bond like any other siblings. Maybe we are lucky, I don't know but all 3 of us felt like we had known each other for all our lives when we had met.
Our shared parent isn't alive anymore and only one of us had a relationship with him. I was an only child until they contacted me.

I couldn't recommend making contact and meeting up enough, it's not all heart warming like you see on the TV there is a lot of difficult emotions behind the scenes but if you can get past that it's well worth it.

ShinyGiratina · 13/01/2020 21:47

I met my paternal family in adulthood. I have no half-siblings down that line but have gained a family of cousins. It's like gaining a set of ILs as I don't have that shared childhood, but I have gained family. My father was never involved, so there was very little baggage on my part and time and society had moved on, so the stigma of young, single mothers had passed. These days, the circumstances of my birth would have had a stronger chance of contact.
The bonus of meeting my paternal family is that it has shown a strong genetic link for some specific learning difficulties that affect my DS, which has helped with diagnosis.

I have a significantly younger half-sibling that I didn't grow up with due to our age gap. It's not a conventional sibling relationship, but we are family and there is love and a bond there.

I don't have the most conventional attitude to family roles anyway, so that helps me. I was also in a strong, secure point in life when I got in contact.

thelikelylass · 13/01/2020 22:41

I met one of mine and they are just wonderful, we have so much in common and I enjoy every minute we meet. The other one I avoid.

TriciaH87 · 13/01/2020 22:46

As someone who could have had them absolutely. My biological dad was out the picture from 6 months old. At 22 I went looking online. Not because I wanted to know him but incase I had other siblings. It's not there fault if he was useless. Turns out I dont but if I had I'd want to get to know them in person before I judged.

stepitupjuan · 13/01/2020 22:48

When my son was born my then mother in law decided it was time to unburden herself and she told her sons how awful her marriage had been. Their father (who passed before I met my ex) had had an affair and they had a half sister. When his lover became pregnant he moved away temporarily to avoid being traced and held accountable, abandoning all women and children. My former brother in law made a lot of attempts to contact his sister but she wasn't interested.

I wish I'd known what kind of man my father in law had been from the outset, as I learned subsequently that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I always admired my mother in law for speaking out, that was very brave and hard for her.

ClinkyMonkey · 13/01/2020 23:07

I found out I had a half sister a few years ago. She lives on the other side of the world, so meeting wasn't a realistic option at the time. We did try to bond at a distance, but it was hard and I have to say, I felt emotionally numb. When she decided to come and visit (she stayed with her adoptive family), I didn't want to meet her, but felt I should. It wasn't all hugs and tears, just very awkward. I desperately wanted to feel something, but found I couldn't. She's been back to visit a few times and things have definitely improved between us. I think if we had grown up together, we would have been very close.

Feelings are personal and there is no 'right' way to feel. And things are never.as simple as they seem to outsiders.

IdblowJonSnow · 13/01/2020 23:08

Yanbu to not want to. If you dont then you dont.
However I would want to if it was me I think. Depends on the circumstances.

Original poster

AmyFarrahFowlersTiara · 14/01/2020 10:38

Thanks to everyone who replied

Looks as if there is broadly two camps: the extraverts would love to meet because the more people the merrier and the content introverts who have enough people around already.

That also seems to align with the personality of people around me and how they said they would behave in this situation, quite interesting!

OP posts:

Skysblue · 14/01/2020 11:01

Of course I would! If you go and have nothing in common, you haven’t lost anything.

If you don’t go you’ll always wonder what they were like. (Plus might hurt their feelings?) And they might actually really click with you. You don’t know that you have nothing in common, might have samesense of humour etc.

Sounds like you don’t want to take a risk in case you’re disappointed

hazeyjane · 14/01/2020 11:19

In my situation I said I wouldn't because it could potentially open a can of worms of epic proportions - I haven't seen a single member of my dad's side of the family since I was 13. It would upset my mum, possibly cause difficulties with my sister if she wasn't on board with it. I have my life now....it's messy but I love it and I need to focus on my children and my life as it is now. Making contact with someone who I have never even met, would be opening the door to the cupboard of emotional baggage that I keep nicely locked away in the hope (naivety!) that it will stay that way. I can't imagine wanting to open that door even a tiny crack.

SallyWD · 14/01/2020 11:35

I'd meet them out of curiosity only. I'd have no expectations about forming a sibling bond with them.

RuffleCrow · 14/01/2020 11:37

I''d probably meet them once to see how it went.

However if would probably be like a family funeral where you see a load of distant relatives who look like you but with whom you have nothing in common. Awkward.

MrsSpenserGregson · 14/01/2020 11:43

I met my birth mother's other children once, when we were all adults (I was in my 30s, they were about 19 and 21 at the time) and I wish I hadn't.

You do (or don't do) what you've gotta do, OP.

Wickedwoo · 14/01/2020 11:48

I found out 28th December i have a half sister 8 years younger than me. Part of me wants to meet her part of me doesn't.

It's difficult!! I am happy with my life i don't really want to have anyone else to worry about and look after but at the same time i feel guilty. She's not tried to contact me and she has known longer.

Sn0tnose · 14/01/2020 12:41

I have relatives in this situation. A relative was married with a child (A). She left her family and married someone else, having no contact with child A, then had child B with the second husband. Child B knew nothing about child A until her twenties (every other family member did) and went looking for her. She’s not found her, but for long and complicated reasons, I know where child A is and I know child A knows how to get in touch if she wanted to, but she clearly doesn’t, so I’m keeping out of it.

I think I would like to meet them, simply out of curiosity, but I wouldn’t have any expectations of developing any sort of close relationship with them and would probably want to keep them at arms length afterwards (although definitely not, under any circumstances, if there was any chance of me becoming financially liable for our shared parent).

howdoesthisworkagain · 14/01/2020 14:34

I might but not with any expectation of a relationship, maybe if I wanted to understand more and fit things into place. If I felt my life was complete and I had no urge that would be fine too.

I did meet an adopted guy once and he met his mum. He wasn't sure at first but his wife encouraged him to do the research. I was amazed at how much empathy he seemed to be able to display for his mum. He was talking about what she went through and I thought that was someone well-adjusted and happy with his life who had gone out of his way to give her closure. I do think that it's not always that straight forward.

howdoesthisworkagain · 14/01/2020 14:35

^They meet a couple of times a year but live quite far apart.

caperplips · 14/01/2020 14:54

I can see the attraction of meeting but I would be wary and you have to be prepared for whatever it brings if you do open that door.

My dh's father was married before he married dh's mum and he had children from his first marriage in another country. They had some contact when dh was young but it died out and 20+ years went by. FIL had since died and one half sibling made contact with dh and before long was arranging to come to stay. They have nothing in common, 15+ year age gap, different education levels and stages in life. This sibling has latched on and is very difficult to shake and views us as a free holiday. Dh wishes no contact had been made at this stage. It's a very hard situation!

TolstoyAteMyHamster · 14/01/2020 15:24

This happened to my mum, about ten years ago. Slightly different circumstances as it turned out her father had been married (and divorced) before he met and married her mother. Both her parents were dead when her half brother got in touch. She and her siblings met him - with varying degrees of enthusiasm it has to be said - and would all now say they are very pleased they did. It made sense of things that happened in their childhood and they all developed a close bond with him. He died last year but his wife is still in close touch with the family and came to stay with me recently when she was in the UK (they were living in Texas).

It has been hard but ultimately they have all benefited from it. Family bonds are important and it’s enriched rather than diminished our (admittedly slightly odd) family.

Original poster

AmyFarrahFowlersTiara · 14/01/2020 15:34

@caperplips That is precisely the scenario I am worried about. I am curious but the personal and legal risks associated with meeting them by far outweigh that curiosity. Statistically, the chance of us hitting it off is quite low. The two realistic options are 1) yet another mediocre relationship in my life or 2) shit really hits the fan. Not keen on either.

OP posts:

caperplips · 15/01/2020 09:58

@AmyFarrahFowlersTiara I know, it's a bit of a mess really for dh. This half sibling is very fair weather - as long as we're doing the paying and the hosting they're all over it. They live in a different country and we have never been invited there nor met their adult children etc. It is a very invasive relationship and the sibling who as I said is a lot older, is in a very different life phase. No dependent kids left and now thinks it's 'their time' to be lavished with hospitality and attention. They will actually book flights without checking if it is ok or if they can stay with us, with the assumption that of course we are waiting for their presence. The last couple of times we said no, as it was not actually convenient and that did NOT go down well.

This person is from a different background and holds views that are very questionable and is not behind the door in expressing them. They stalk us on social media and I reckon has some sort of alert set on facebook so whenever dh posts something (which is rare enough) they are ALWAYS the first to like / love and comment. Every. Single. Time. it was funny and I teased him about it a bit but not its a bit freaky!

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