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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Copy of wedding picture

278 replies

Nai89 · 13/01/2020 04:38

Hi All.
So I attended my first cousins wedding summer last year {2019}. I'd recently just had a baby too but attended as it was the first wedding where a bride was joining the family.

Anyway so in the last month I asked for a copy of a wedding picture taken professionally (Grooms maternal side). I thought it was great to have an image of my nan, my own uncles, aunts, 1st cousins etc. Everyone in this photo is a close relative plus the fact me, my husband and 3 children are in this photo.

To my dismay I was point blank refused. I was told they're 'private pictures' and that I should respect the grooms wishes (my first cousin). AIBU for asking for a copy? I find it deeply disturbing that no one else in the picture is objecting to me to having a copy but the fact my children are in this image and they won't share it with me.

My eldest son is 7, daughter 5 and newborn. There are other children in this photo too. I am actually livid how they can refuse this, I find it disturbing to the point im not sleeping today. Why won't a 23 Yr old newly married man share a professional group photo of his maternal side??

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 13/01/2020 09:35

YANBU at all. They are the odd ones here, but try not to stress about it, they are not worth your head space if they can’t be kind and polite enough to let you have a photo, very odd behaviour from them, not you.

Crazycrazylady · 13/01/2020 09:39

I think it's odd they refused you definitely, not sure it would keep me up at night though.

catsmother · 13/01/2020 09:48

It does seem very mean and miserable to refuse you a copy of a picture that you're willing to pay for (if that's an issue) because I really can't see what difference it'd make to the couple to allow you to have one.

For those suggesting you're being somewhat 'cheeky' by somehow using his special occasion as a personal photo shoot, don't be so utterly ridiculous! It's not as if the OP gatecrashed the day and neither did she commandeer the photographer for her own advantage. She was simply one of an assembled group as an invited guest.

For many families, modern day logistics and dispersal mean that weddings are one of the few times there are opportunities to gather large groups of relatives together. Well, apart from funerals I suppose, but posed photos are rather less appropriate then. It's hardly unreasonable then that the OP would wish for a momento, and it's these kind of photos which are so interesting when passed down through the generations in the future.

I'm actually wondering if the bride and groom are peed off for some other reason? Did your children disrupt proceedings in their eyes, or did they deem your wedding gift not generous enough or something?!? Confused

BreatheAndFocus · 13/01/2020 09:49

So your cousin hasn’t actually said No? And your aunt, who promised to ask him, quite clearly didn’t.

It sounds like the problem is your aunt. I’d try texting your cousin again, not asking to speak, simply politely asking for the photo and emphasising you will pay.

(Although maybe the aunt holds the log-in details herself? )

heartsonacake · 13/01/2020 09:52

If your cousin is on Facebook, why not just message him there directly? Confused

Letthemysterybe · 13/01/2020 09:55

It’s all a bit strange. Who asked for the family portrait to be taken? Were the bride and groom in this photo?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/01/2020 09:57

If you haven't actually spoken to the groom at any point so far, then I'd say your aunt is just being a controlling bitch for the sake of it.

I also reckon she's told your cousin something entirely different from what you've said to her.

You need to get to speak to him directly - things might work out better for you if you do.

TigerOnATrain · 13/01/2020 10:03

@Nai89

Just wait for them to post the pics on fakebook or instagram, and then poach them.

BlaueLagune · 13/01/2020 10:08

I'm a self employed photographer, I'd refuse as well as I'd want your cousin to agree as he is the client. I'd have no idea if you were somebody authorised to have the photo and so I wouldn't be prepared to sell it to you

I find this all very odd. If my son takes part on a sports event I am allowed to buy photos of it. Not just of him, I can choose to buy any photo (so of other kids, if I wanted - I obviously don't unless it's a team photo). Why is a wedding so different, especially when the OP is featured in the photo with her immediate family?

But if the OP's cousin has refused that's weird too.

Perhaps they feel it was their wedding, their photographer and are a bit territorial about it all That's weird too. I'd have been more than happy for people to buy extra copies of my wedding photos. As it was, I had the negatives for my wedding photos so was able to arrange prints myself.

IntermittentParps · 13/01/2020 10:11

I think that's really mean. Putting myself in their place, with a big family rarely together, older/unwell people etc, I like to think I'd send people a copy of it for exactly the reason the OP gives: that it's a precious and rare moment. I'd be pleased and proud to share it.
YANBU.

1forsorrow · 13/01/2020 10:12

I’m a bit on the fence - I’ve never heard of someone else having copies of photos of a wedding that wasn’t theirs Really surprised me, so if you were a bridesmaid or your little girl was you wouldn't want a photo? Or your husband was his brother/best friend's best man? I know my siblings have photos of the family group at the wedding of one of my kids, it is so rare to have all of us together so a group photo of 3 generations with siblings, cousins etc. was something we all wanted.

IntermittentParps · 13/01/2020 10:15

I’ve never heard of someone else having copies of photos of a wedding that wasn’t theirs

Really? Confused I would never have seen half of our family photos if people didn't have pics of each other's weddings!

Brefugee · 13/01/2020 10:20

OP your aunt's reaction is weird.
In your position I'd send a text to your cousin directly and ask about having the photo and why (nan, all the kids etc) and see what he says. If it's yes, brilliant.
If it's no - well, you decide but I'd not be bothering with birthday & Christmas cards any more etc. Life's too short.

1forsorrow · 13/01/2020 10:23

I wonder if they'd let your nan have a photo? Maybe if she said to them how precious it is to have a photo with all her children and grandchildren and she'd like a copy for her and the rest of the family they might agree.

Wattagoose90 · 13/01/2020 10:27

If the bride and groom weren't in the picture and the photographer had been taken away from them during the time they've paid for then I'd be refusing out of principle too.

However, if they're included/if the photographer was encouraging requests and this hasn't detracted from happy couple then I'd say they're being extremely unfair.

Horehound · 13/01/2020 10:28

Op, I do think it's strange.
Have you annoyed them in any way? Did you get them a gift? That's the only thing I can think why they would refuse!

Could you ask one of the other people in the picture to ask for a copy? Maybe someone older who they'd be less likely to say no to?

HairyString · 13/01/2020 10:29

YANBU OP. They have the right to refuse but it is bizarre to do so and I can see why you are very upset.

It's normal for attendees to ask for wedding photos as keepsakes. I could understand your cousin getting the miff if no-one asked but this is frankly weird.

I think some of the replies on here have been OTT. It's hurtful that you are good enough to attend and presumably take a present and be photographed but they won't let you have a copy. Horrible for you and it would have me re-thinking my relationship with them because of what this illustrates about how they feel about you.

Drabarni · 13/01/2020 10:44

Did you not take any of your own?
I don't understand why you are making such a huge drama, are you always like this?
Your kids will learn to be unstable from you, you need to curb it.

gingersausage · 13/01/2020 10:44

Maybe they didn’t pay the photographer and he or she has not released all the photos to them. Rather than admit to this, the cousin is just being a knob.

helberg · 13/01/2020 10:52

Have you actually asked your cousin personally? Or has all communication gone through your aunt?
It all seems very strange. I have an aunt who is a bit controlling like this and I can imagine her doing something like this.

BlackCatSleeping · 13/01/2020 10:52

People can be weird, so it’s possible his mum just said no and didn’t pass on the message.

I really hate it when people text to say call me. You have no idea what they’re going to ask. Just text and ask if it’s possible you get get a copy of the photo. Say you are happy to pay. If he ignores you or says no, then it’s time to let go and move on.

Horehound · 13/01/2020 10:56

@helberg it says she has tried contacting the cousin a few times but he is not responding to her.

TARSCOUT · 13/01/2020 10:58

How very strange to refuse. OP I think there might be something more going on in the background that you aren't aware of so maybe best letting it go. A real shame as so many generations.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/01/2020 10:59

Some bloody odd responses here I have to say. I've got tons of photos of family and friends weddings, some professional copies. I did the same for my own. I can't imagine saying no to something like that. It's weird, especially as you are actually in the photos Hmm. I don't think you're being UR here OP, however, I suspect the issue is your aunt and not your cousin. I'd ask him once more and if you get no response, I'd probably just let it go because I am not sure what else you can do. Such a strange situation.

helberg · 13/01/2020 11:02

@helberg it says she has tried contacting the cousin a few times but he is not responding to her.

Ok, must have missed that and I have read all of the OP's post, I promise.

In that case, the OP will have to accept that, for reasons known only to themselves, they don't want to share the photos and it's best to forget it and move on. It's disappointing as it would be lovely to have the photo of the whole family together.

There's probably something going on with the cousin that OP doesn't know about which means he can't/doesn't want to share the photos.

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