Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are not being unreasonable (childcare)

278 replies

InappropriateAdult · 12/01/2020 22:17

My brother and his wife are late 30s and have 2 children aged 4 and 8. Both have very well-paid jobs and can easily afford childcare. They like to go off to hotels at the weekend a few times a year without the kids.

My parents are very late 60s and live locally. They are happy to provide occasional childcare during the day e.g. inset days, a couple of days for each school holiday, if a child is sick etc. So maybe a total of 12 days a year. They are flexible and will always help if they are around.

But they struggle with overnight care. My mum is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid, and really worries about not hearing kids in the night. So she basically doesn't sleep when they stay overnight.

They have offered to have DB's children for 4x overnights a year. DB is not happy about this and has been applying increasing pressure to get them to do more.

They've just called me, really upset. DB went round to their house and ranted at them for 45 minutes about what terrible grandparents and parents they are, how everyone else does more for their grandchildren, and threatened to stop them seeing the kids. He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship - but only after this weekend, when they've already agreed to do an overnight.

AIBU to think my parents do plenty, and that DB is an entitled idiot?

OP posts:
saraclara · 13/01/2020 09:42

Your parents should tell him they need to reflect on why they've been helping such an ungrateful and entitled son at all.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 13/01/2020 09:43

I'm sorry, OP, I've just seen the answer to my question about his in-laws. Blush Maybe the in-laws are younger and more physically capable than your parents?
Anyway, it's not up to your brother to tell them how to use their time. He can't demand that they babysit and when he doesn't get his way, bully them and upset them about it. Maybe they should suggest he pays them for their time and trouble and see how he reacts? (Perhaps not!)

WhatinthenameofHalloween · 13/01/2020 09:47

Please make sure you speak to them soon so they can cancel this weekend looking after them. Disgusting behaviour.

SciFiScream · 13/01/2020 09:48

My DD is ten this year. In her entire life she's spent 7 night away from us. 5 of those were Brownie camps (2 x 2 nights and 1x1 night), 1 of those was a sleepover for a friend's birthday.

Only 1 was spent with a grandparent!

So 1 night in 10 years versus 4 nights a year? Wow! Your Brother is extremely lucky.

Mollychristmas · 13/01/2020 10:01

Your brother is a horrible person. He is quite clearly manipulative and cruel.

It’s difficult for your DP as I presume they still want a relationship with their grandchildren which will become increasingly difficult the more they put their foot down with your Brother, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t.

I imagine there will be a lot of ‘you’ll never see any of us again’, ‘you’re awful grandparents and won’t have a relationship with the children’ but if your DP can stand firm and not waiver i imagine your brother will back down eventually, that’s what bullies normally do when someone finally stands up to them.

Your DP anbu and it sounds in the best interest of all (children included) that they don’t do overnight childcare nor should they feel obliged to! They have done their child rearing and are offering plenty of wraparound care as it is. If childcare was crucial to your brother and SIL then they should’ve discussed it with your parents before having children.

Mischance · 13/01/2020 10:06

What an unpleasant and calculating person - almost unbelievable that he should decide on a period of no contact to start after he has made use of their services this weekend.

I look after GC - and thoroughly enjoy it - but it is only when I feel able to; and my children go to great lengths to make sure that their requests do not interfere with my life in any adverse way.

I do feel very sorry for your Mum and Dad - they must be so very disappointed in their son. I know I would.

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 13/01/2020 10:06

What an arse! My SIL did something similar, went NC for 10 months with her parents over childcare. And that was after her DPs had been looking after the kids a week a month for years while she and her DH travelled/worked.
INHO the whole family has never quite recovered from this. Now everyone kowtows to SIL in case she very pulls that stunt again and it gets very tense sometimes. It ruined SIL relationship with my DP too.

My respect for her went out the window, so my relationship with her has been harmed - I couldn't see the woman far enough away now.

Have a word with your DB before this goes nuclear.

Inliverpool1 · 13/01/2020 10:09

They should withdraw their services immediately.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 13/01/2020 10:11

You're brother is disgusting.

I would advise your parents on messaging him today.

State that they are disgusted in how ungrateful he is. That they refuse to be spoken to in such a disrespectful way.

That they are taking some time to reflect on how they want this relationship to move forward and so will not be babysitting this weekend.
Tell him that they will consider assisting with childcare when the DB has apologised and asks again politely.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 13/01/2020 10:13

He will come crawling back. They have a standard of life that they crave. Child free weekends.
Make them go a few months with no help from them. Either her parents pick up 100% of the slack or they have to cut back.

Urkiddingright · 13/01/2020 10:25

It doesn’t really matter how old they are or whether your DM has health conditions or not. They aren’t obliged to look after their GC at all so any amount of babysitting is generous. Your brother is an entitled prat.

1forsorrow · 13/01/2020 10:26

I'm a grandmother similar age to your parents, my husband is in his 70s and I do loads of childcare, including overnight, but if one of my kids said that to me I'd laugh in his face and suggest he takes the weekend to think about his attitude.

1forsorrow · 13/01/2020 10:33

Of course he should have the children with him for the weekend while he thinks about his attitude so either take the children with him or cancel the trip.

Marleyj8 · 13/01/2020 10:38

Really feel for your parents, he sounds vile and like an overgrown brat!

Figgygal · 13/01/2020 10:40

What an asshole

ShoesCoatBag · 13/01/2020 10:42

Feel for your parents.

My Dad, when he was alive, was a great hands on GP but he struggled with the “hit the ground running as soon as eyes are open” so wouldn’t have wanted to do too many overnights (nor would we have asked).

Drabarni · 13/01/2020 10:51

Your db is an entitled arsehole and if he was mine no way would i be caring for his kids this weekend. But you have to remember your parents raised him, they'll feel bad about how he turned out and continue being abused like this.
keep out is my advice, or better still go nc with your db and tell him how abusive he is.

Ated · 13/01/2020 11:00

Your parents should inform him that they are commencing a serious period of reflection starting now and until they have contemplated and reviewed their Reflective thoughts they will not be undertaking any overnight stays or babysitting for the immediate future and that he should make alternative arrangements. However he may visit with them if he wishes.

Iwannatellyouastory · 13/01/2020 11:12

My DH and I are early sixties but are both in good health and work full time, we have our only GC (aged 3) regularly for 24hrs including an overnight maybe once a month. We have had her ever since she was a tiny baby, and love having her and actually ask if we haven’t seen her for a while. She is a very easy going child though and my DH does more of the looking after than I do because of the really special bond that they have ( more involved even than he was when our kids were young). We can’t help regularly during the week but I have taken a flexi day off to help if needed ( her mum is a SAHM).
A couple of times over the years we have felt taken for granted e.g when we couldn’t look after her because we had a prior engagement that we didn’t want to cancel. We even once had the attempted blackmail talk, and it wasn’t for an emergency, “ if you don’t do ... you won’t get to see her again” even though we would be heartbroken if this actually happened we stood firm and said “ sorry you feel like that and of course we would be devastated not to see her but we have our own lives to live so can’t always drop everything to be able to look after her” things went cool for a few weeks then it went back to normal.
We also have another grown up DC who still needs quite a lot of support and weekly visit both my DMIL and DMIL who both need a lot of support.
We feel lucky to have such full lives, but in no way expect our children to provide care for us in the future, although visits would be lovely.

RedskyAtnight · 13/01/2020 11:14

Sadly I think this is a very common situation (I've witnessed something similar with my BIL and PILs - it was either provide childcare to his requirements, or not see their DGC) and that many GPs end up doing more childcare than they necessarily want to, because otherwise they fear they may not see their GC at all.

Iwannatellyouastory · 13/01/2020 11:20

Should say
DM and DMIL (who is in a nursing home)

BlackeyedSusan · 13/01/2020 11:29

Oh goodness, "everyone else's parents... " Is the sort of thing you start to hear in reception and carries on til the teens. One would have thought that he would have grown out of that by now.

Neither set of grandparents had mine overnight.

I wonder if I should ring the nursing home and tell the manager that Mum is having two more stay in her room?

Xmas Grin
Titective · 13/01/2020 11:43

Your parents have been more than fair, doing what they can as far as health and spare time goes.

Needing overnight childcare is rare. Wanting it is much more common. If they said 'no more' then your DB would just have to suck it up like the millions of other parents who would like to offload their children onto someone else overnight for a break but can't find someone daft enough available to do it.

If I were your parents I'd draw a line in the sand and say no more overnight stays. Yeah to occasional inset or holiday days as they see fit but grandparental childcare is a gift not a right.

HairyToity · 13/01/2020 11:52

No sympathy. My parents have done one overnight stay in 7 years. My mother in law looked after my daughter from midnight till lunchtime the next day when I was in labour. I think that might kinda count as an overnight...

My brother and his wife have done about 4 overnight stays. They are young and this was before they had their own children. They were happy and willing to have my daughter now and again for either work commitments or when we had a wedding. Not asked them since they had my nephew though.

I think your brother is very fortunate to have four nights a year.

5LeafClover · 13/01/2020 12:22

My recommendation is that your parents should reply in a non angry but very clear way.

Something like 'we love (gc names) which is why we have offered what we have. This is the very most that we want to do outside work or medical emergencies.

We have started to reflect and realise that much as we do love the girls, we are not happy to do even this if you are not able to talk to us politely and show kind appreciation.

Hopefully this will lead you to reconsider your tone and we will see the girls as planned at the weekend. If not, and you have changed your arrangements please let us know.'

Then they need to stand very firm and say it's not convenient to everything they don't want to do.

Your db is bullying them. They have to stand up to him sooner or later.