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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are not being unreasonable (childcare)

278 replies

InappropriateAdult · 12/01/2020 22:17

My brother and his wife are late 30s and have 2 children aged 4 and 8. Both have very well-paid jobs and can easily afford childcare. They like to go off to hotels at the weekend a few times a year without the kids.

My parents are very late 60s and live locally. They are happy to provide occasional childcare during the day e.g. inset days, a couple of days for each school holiday, if a child is sick etc. So maybe a total of 12 days a year. They are flexible and will always help if they are around.

But they struggle with overnight care. My mum is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid, and really worries about not hearing kids in the night. So she basically doesn't sleep when they stay overnight.

They have offered to have DB's children for 4x overnights a year. DB is not happy about this and has been applying increasing pressure to get them to do more.

They've just called me, really upset. DB went round to their house and ranted at them for 45 minutes about what terrible grandparents and parents they are, how everyone else does more for their grandchildren, and threatened to stop them seeing the kids. He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship - but only after this weekend, when they've already agreed to do an overnight.

AIBU to think my parents do plenty, and that DB is an entitled idiot?

OP posts:
Bakedbrie · 13/01/2020 07:59

Your brother is a cruel and emotionally manipulative idiot.

Mascarponeandwine · 13/01/2020 08:02

Actually I would advise against showing either to parents or your brother this thread. The whole thing will be twisted by him and turn into your fault for posting nasty lies about him on the internet.

Amaretto · 13/01/2020 08:05

YANBU
Your parents have their limitations and boundaries. It is up to him to respect those. Your Dbro has no right at all to bullying your parents into doing something they are uncomfortable about.
He also should never use guilt and fear of not seeing their grandchildren in that way.
It’s disgusting tbh.

I would also be worried for your SIL (and his dcs). If he has form to act like this with people close to him if they don’t do as they are told, they must be in the firing line too. Which would make an abuser towards them

LittleDragonGirl · 13/01/2020 08:05

He sounds like a entitled arse. No one has a right of free childcare from there DP, and it sounds like they do absolutely plenty. He should feel absolutely gracious that they are willing to do emergency days when needed. If they are both on good wage they could just pay for a nanny or equivalent intermittedly for overnight care.

dognamedspot · 13/01/2020 08:10

Just to mention - your parents are not much older than me. No more than 9 years older than me. I'd be mightily surprised if they haven't heard a few swear words over the year. Grin

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 13/01/2020 08:12

I wonder how much your brother's parents-in-law do in the way of baby-sitting for them? Just to get a glimpse of other "normal" grandparents' contributions?
As at least one PP has said (I've not read everyone's posts), I think you should suggest to your parents that they tell your brother that they need a period of reflection of 4 months, too, and are withdrawing their baby-sitting services from this moment, though they will be happy to see their grandchildren when their parents bring them over to visit. Although I'm afraid your brother will react like a toddler again, not understanding that his own actions reap consequences!

Hustssleeping · 13/01/2020 08:12

Yep your brother sounds horrible and a total bully to your parents. They've done their child rearing and deserve not to have to do any more. Any childcare they offer is a massive favour not an entitlement and overnight? Maybe once in a blue moon- 4 weekends- that's just too much!

Out of interest- you said SIL parents do childcare. Do they do overnights/whole weekends?

I hope your parents can see your B is being totally unreasonable. Access to children isn't something you dangle as a threat until you get your way! What a nasty piece of work.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/01/2020 08:18

I Think your brother and SIL are DELUDED- do they really expect 6 months of nights away from their children. They are parents now, sorry life changes, most people never get a night away from their children. 4 weekends away is loads. I’d withdraw all help until he learns some gratitude!

Damntheman · 13/01/2020 08:20

Your brother is HORRIBLE! Your poor parents! They should withdraw all offers of overnight care immediately. Wow what a massive dickmunch.

My MIL has done overnight care when we weren't in the house 1 time in six years, my mother has never done it because she's deaf (same as your mum) but also doesn't want to get up in the morning and that's FINE. Grief, they're your brother's kids, not your parents'. He should count himself incredibly lucky they were even offering four (which sounds like a lot to me!).

Equanimitas · 13/01/2020 08:21

I do hope your parents decided they needed a period of reflection this weekend so they could no longer have his children overnight?

seven201 · 13/01/2020 08:24

Your poor parents being held to ransom like that. I really hope they stand up for themselves and either get the period of reflection cancelled or start it early so it affects an already booked in weekend. Your db receives so so much more support than I do.

I only have a dad and in-laws, but we probably have one maybe two overnights a year and occasionally a sick day if they don't already have plans. We once asked for a sick day cover and were told no as mil had an appointment (fair enough) then the day after she let slip how she hadn't bothered going to the appointment anyway. It's hard not fee let down sometimes but you've got to take responsibility for your own children. Your db either doesn't get a night away or he pays for some childcare/arranges a swap with friends.

imoverworkedandunderpaid · 13/01/2020 08:26

As pretty much everyone else has said your DB is a horrible bully. Some grandparents do more than your DPs but a lot do less, it's personal choice - of those offering to help!

My DPs have had my DC only once (at the age of 12) on the day we moved house to give us a day to sort her room, ILs never. We didn't go out together until DC was about 11 then took her with us to meals out!

2beautifulbabs · 13/01/2020 08:29

How awful your brother is an arse he should be grateful for the help your parents are providing they don't have to do any of that as it stands they done they're share raising their own children it's nice of them to want to help out on occasions with their grandchildren I personally wouldn't want to do that to my own parents or in laws.
It was mine and my DH choice to have children and with that we knew that having quality time with one another would be on a back burner for a while until our children are old enough to perhaps ask for the odd night that they can stay with grandparents but I wouldn't ever take the piss like your brother is

Tell your parents to withdraw from this weekend two can play that game it's also disgusting that he's using his children against your parents he should be ashamed of himself because he's hurting his children too in all this by stopping them seeing their grandparents awful behaviour

dottiedodah · 13/01/2020 08:31

StrayCatStrut That sounds harsh ! Can you maybe see if there are any respite stays in your area? What about SS ,Sometimes they know of charities /W/E carers that can maybe give you a break .You sound worn out! Sending hugs to you XX

Highfivemum · 13/01/2020 08:35

Your parents exact reply should be
« yes a totally agree we need to reflect on this. We start from now !»
How dare he dictate to them. They have done their parenting. They are his children. He is lucky to have any form of childcare. I hate bullies big time and he is one. Ungrateful bully who wants to do what he wants when he wants. If they give in to him it will get worse. Stamp it out now. Tell him no contact from now. Not when it suits him.

KidCaneGoat · 13/01/2020 09:00

As most others have said, he’s bullying them. And how awful for his kids who are used to seeing their grandparents. To have that relationship taken away for four months. That’s really mean towards his children. I wouldn’t expect anyone to take my DC overnight if they didn’t want to. It’s a lot of responsibility. Doesn’t matter about age, disability or anything. If it feels too much for someone then it is. I couldn’t leave someone looking after the DC if I knew they felt really anxious about it and didn’t sleep.

diddl · 13/01/2020 09:00

He's a nasty bully, isn't he?

Do they only see the kids when they are looking after them?

Any family visits?
(Although they'd probably be happy not to see him!)

Would SIL visit with the kids if they stopped childcare or wouldn't he allow it?

diddl · 13/01/2020 09:01

Those saying that it isn't a lot-how much do you think it should be-what's the acceptable going rate these days to prove yourself as a GP??!

oohnicevase · 13/01/2020 09:11

What a vile man , they have done this parenting , grand parenting is optional ... they can choose what they feel up to ffs .. shocking behaviour!!

MarshallPNutt · 13/01/2020 09:12

this is the first time they have tried to set some boundaries, which seems to have unleashed a side to him they haven't seen before.

This stood out to me, mainly because it's talked about in the book 'The Dance of Anger' which I found really easy to read and interesting, especially about setting clear boundaries in difficult relationships.

Might be worth a look?

SpillTheTea · 13/01/2020 09:14

They should refuse to have his kids this weekend. No more mini breaks for Mr entitled twat. He's a manipulative bully.

HeyGepetto · 13/01/2020 09:19

He’s being incredibly unreasonable! I have children pretty much the same ages, my parents have had the older one overnight once, when I was giving birth to the younger one! Mine have always been particularly bad sleepers and usually wake up in the night, which probably doesn’t help, but I wouldn’t expect anyone else to have them.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/01/2020 09:37

If I was your parents I would withdraw all offers of childcare “for a period of reflection”
They’ll soon come running when they need childcare again.

So would I - and I would start with this weekend.

Your brother and his wife are selfish entitled twats.

Inforthelonghaul · 13/01/2020 09:39

He sounds truly unpleasant OP. My kids have never had a nights stay with their GP but that is their choice for whatever reason and I would never have a go at any of them for it although god help them if any ever say they wished they had a better relationship with their GC.

I’m wondering if he’s this unpleasant with his parents and sibling, how he is to your SIL and whether he somehow twists this to be her fault too. He just sounds like a really nasty piece of work all round.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 13/01/2020 09:42

We are granparents in our early 70s and are happy to do occasional overnights but find them hard work. We have stopped regular childcare now but regularly do inset days, emergencies etc. If any of my children spoke to me in this way I would never babysit again