Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are not being unreasonable (childcare)

278 replies

InappropriateAdult · 12/01/2020 22:17

My brother and his wife are late 30s and have 2 children aged 4 and 8. Both have very well-paid jobs and can easily afford childcare. They like to go off to hotels at the weekend a few times a year without the kids.

My parents are very late 60s and live locally. They are happy to provide occasional childcare during the day e.g. inset days, a couple of days for each school holiday, if a child is sick etc. So maybe a total of 12 days a year. They are flexible and will always help if they are around.

But they struggle with overnight care. My mum is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid, and really worries about not hearing kids in the night. So she basically doesn't sleep when they stay overnight.

They have offered to have DB's children for 4x overnights a year. DB is not happy about this and has been applying increasing pressure to get them to do more.

They've just called me, really upset. DB went round to their house and ranted at them for 45 minutes about what terrible grandparents and parents they are, how everyone else does more for their grandchildren, and threatened to stop them seeing the kids. He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship - but only after this weekend, when they've already agreed to do an overnight.

AIBU to think my parents do plenty, and that DB is an entitled idiot?

OP posts:
KeepThosePlatesSpinning · 13/01/2020 16:27

OP, just checking if you have a spare room, you know, if you fancy lending it to your parents for a few nights in early June so they can be away from home...... Can you afford to buy them a mini break?

lollypoplips · 13/01/2020 16:35

OMG OP i can't even begin to type out all of the derogatory names I want to use to describe your brother!!!

Awful, just awful he really is a huge embarrassment to himself. I feel very very sorry for you and your family and for his poor kids.

ActualHornist · 13/01/2020 16:40

YANBU OP.

12 days is a lot when the expectation should be zero. Because it’s not up to anyone, grandparents or not, to look after the children unless they want to. Your parents don’t want to, your brother wants them to.

TheWitchwithNoName · 13/01/2020 16:52

*Iggleonkupsy

Who is the 1% that think you're unreasonable?! Crazy!*

Me, not crazy, hit it by mistake whilst scrolling Blush

MyCatHatesEverybody · 13/01/2020 16:59

You know you can change your vote?

Sparklyyear · 13/01/2020 17:08

Yanbu op.

It's great when grandparents help, but it sounds as though your parents do enough.

My parents are the same, help with inset days, sick days, the odd school holiday and the off hour here and there. Mine don't have my dc overnight anymore as they aren't well and just can't do it. In-laws have them a couple of times a tear overnight.

I'd consider us to be pretty lucky.

Mummadeeze · 13/01/2020 17:12

Wow! He sounds so spoilt and selfish. Your poor parents. They do more than most of us could dream of in terms of free childcare. He really doesn’t know how lucky he is / was!

Greenwingmemories · 13/01/2020 17:13

Firstly your brother is awful. He obviously got his way growing up and it has produced a terrible level of entitlement now. I've noticed this pattern recently on MN that spoiling your children doesn't make them nice people: it's always those parents who say, he's always had everything he's wanted, that go onto to say what an entitled sod he is now he's an adult.

What also struck me was that he's threatening to deprive his own children as well as his parents. My relationships with my grandparents provided some of my happiest memories from childhood. So he'd forego this for his children just to punish his parents for setting very reasonable boundaries. It's v unkind to both his children and his parents to threaten NC for anything other than abuse or unkindness.

Your parents have to stick to their guns otherwise he will continue to take advantage of them. I can't believe he thinks they're unreasonable. Four times a year overnight is massive (especially as they get help from ILs as well. How much do they want to be away from their own children ffs. My parents had my children once overnight and possibly about fifteen times during the day in their entire childhood.

Arthritica · 13/01/2020 17:25

Another voice joining the chorus here - your parents are being badly treated and you are right to support them in the face of this unreasonable behaviour.

Original poster
InappropriateAdult · 13/01/2020 17:40

I am really so grateful for all your responses and am touched that so many of you have taken the time to write out such insightful posts. I can't reply to them all but have read each one.

I have sent a link to my parents and they are going to sit down and read through it tonight. I think it will really help them to see an objective view on this. They have been really upset by it all and really do not deserve it.

I won't send it to my brother but if he or SIL stumble across it, so be it.

To answer some questions that have come up:

  • I don't really know what his relationship with SIL is like as we see each other so infrequently, but my observations are that he seems to mostly ignore her and shows little interest or affection. She has a good career and a supportive family so is well able to bin him off, if she so chooses.
  • the children are lovely girls and not particularly difficult, but they are lively / energetic and the younger one in particular does need to be watched in case she climbs a bookshelf not secured to the wall etc. She also really misses her mum and often get upset the next morning when her parents aren't there.
  • DB is very hard on the older daughter in particular. I've often seen him bring her to tears when she does something quite minor. Or if she is messing around and falls off the sofa, he will tell her off while she is crying rather than comfort her first. It's almost like a performance to show what a strict parent he is. He leaves the younger one alone, no idea why.
  • Yep, my parents spoiled him and I think they see that now. It's very much a case of we gave him everything he wanted, why is he like this now? Well, that's why...
  • Good call on whoever mentioned narcissistic rage, I sent my parents a link to that this morning Grin

Thank you all again Flowers

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 13/01/2020 17:43

Your brother is a hideous human being.

flumposie · 13/01/2020 17:51

He is a vile bully. Hope your parents find the strength to stand up to him .

WingingItSince1973 · 13/01/2020 17:59

I know I said earlier I have my grandson every afternoon but I'm 47 just, believe me that is tiring enough. If I was in my 60s I would be like your parents. I have also had the silent treatment when I've said no to my daughter on occasions but it doesnt last. Hes cruel and manipulative. Anyone who uses children to get their own way is vile. Does he think hes doing them a favour? And to say he will stop contact after this weekend when theyve had the gds! That's beyond being a cheeky sod! Hope they read these posts and get the confidence to just back away and let him throw his tantrum xxx

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/01/2020 18:02

I hope they and all other grandparents who are expected to provide childcare stand up for themselves and say no. So many with the sense of entitlement to have a free babysitter on tap or expect more and more. If you want to have a child free lifestyle either pay for a sitter or don’t have children. It’s not down to others to do the parenting.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 13/01/2020 18:03

I think your brother sounds entitled, cruel, self centered, selfish and an all round nasty piece of work. Thank God your parents have you Flowers

saraclara · 13/01/2020 18:20

I world be broken hearted if either of my daughters said such things to me. I'm only in the early weeks of grandparenthood, and though I'm happy to help in emergencies or when it fits into my life, doing much more than your parents is unlikely.

Being threatened by one's own child must be really awful for them.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 13/01/2020 19:40

My experience of bullies is they only really need one person to bully at a time. In fact they prefer to treat others well in front of their victim to increase the impact. Therefore it doesn’t surprise me he treats the youngest fine while bullying the eldest.

He reminds me of my ex in a number of ways, although he’s stopped treating his parents badly now they are old. He once argued a car off them!

He has been bullying/ over strict with dd (she’s 11) sometimes, and would continue if not checked, so I have to watch him like a hawk.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 13/01/2020 19:41

I remember exh saying of his mother helping with dd when she was a sick newborn “she should do it”. Struck me as odd and entitled at the time- his Mum turned out to be the most helpful person of all during that time but she wasn’t obligated to help! He was the one who SHOULD have done it (he was useless).

BackInTime · 13/01/2020 19:59

While having DGC overnight sounds great in it is not always practical or enjoyable for all involved. Looking after someone else's child even family member is a big responsibility especially overnight. Grandparents homes are not always childproof and the DC don't sleep well or miss their parents. Overnights in a hotel when you have DC are an absolute luxury, one most parents are never or very rarely likely to be able to do except for rare occasions like a wedding. What makes your DB think that these little child feee mini breaks are something that he is entitled to? What an absolute selfish arse he is.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/01/2020 20:53

I think my reasons for not having overnights with the GC is that I had five children and I've only been living 'child free' for the last five years. I have no desire to 'play mummy' again to sleepless smalls, after nearly twenty years of doing it with my own smalls!

Nobody ever had mine for overnights. Five kids as a single mother - damn straight I'm not going to put myself through being woken up a million times in the night again.

Your DB needs to get real. He's not entitled to one moment of childcare he doesn't pay for.

FarTooMuchWashing · 13/01/2020 21:29

Wow. DC1 is 14, and I don’t think my PIL (who live a 20 minute walk away) have done even 14 overnights for us in total (I can think of about 5). My kids are still close to them, but we all visit together, as that’s the way they like it. They will help in an emergency and in know that, and quite frankly, as long as that’s the case I don’t think I’ve any cause for complaint. They are my kids.
My parents (live 6.5 hour drive away) do a weeks care every summer holiday, but you can imagine how often they see my kids other than that.
Your DB is utterly unreasonable.

LittleDragonGirl · 13/01/2020 22:07

OP could you speak to your sil and explain how his behaviour has caused a lot of upset and explain about their health and concerns, just incase your DB has chosen to not let her know how the situation really stands. As others have said, late 60s can be a huge difference in health between people (my DH nan just passed away at 63..) and I can fully understand specially with hearing problems why they would feel uncomfortable. I absolutely dont see why they should feel obliged to do over nights and cant just stick to doing days if that's what they enjoy doing (as many find it a lot less stressful). My mum does overnight but that's purely as she lives to far away to do day to day things, and is young for a age, so when she stays she often boots me and DH out the way so she can spoil like a GP without being told off. But it's purely due to being so far away, if she was closer I know she would definitely not want to do overnight and would stick to days, and likewise if she had any health problems or her health declines we are all aware she will not do any overnight and we would instead meet as a family for days out or all stay together so they can spend time with the DC while me and DH are about to deal with any issues.

Spending time with DGC should be a pleasure and not a chore!

My grandparents rarely had me over night although my family are very close and I am still close to them. And once they hit mid 60s overnight ended unless it was a Emergency! My DP only started going away when I was old enough to be left at home (teens) while my grandparents where just down the road! Until then they either didnt go, or took me with them!

Your DB sounds nasty and abusive to everyone in his life. I feel for his poor children. You can be firm but still compassionate to your children.

gingerbiscuits · 13/01/2020 22:10

Bloody hell - your brother is a selfish, ungrateful prick!! Tell your parents to call his bluff - he'll soon come crawling back when he wants free childcare - he'll never last 4mths! Tell the rest of the family to refuse all childcare requests too. Dickhead. Your poor parents.

TheWitchwithNoName · 13/01/2020 22:13

You know you can change your vote?

Thank you, didn’t realise. I’ve changed it Smile

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/01/2020 10:55

Tell your parents to call his bluff - he'll soon come crawling back when he wants free childcare

I'm sure he will, too.

(He may accuse you of driving a wedge between his family and your Mam and Dad.

And he might even start to worry that any inheritance he could one day expect may be affected. Sorry OP - I know your parents are comparatively young, and fit and well, and you don't even want to think like this, but people like your brother often play the long game in these situations.)