To think my parents are not being unreasonable (childcare)

[InappropriateAdult]

My brother and his wife are late 30s and have 2 children aged 4 and 8. Both have very well-paid jobs and can easily afford childcare. They like to go off to hotels at the weekend a few times a year without the kids.

My parents are very late 60s and live locally. They are happy to provide occasional childcare during the day e.g. inset days, a couple of days for each school holiday, if a child is sick etc. So maybe a total of 12 days a year. They are flexible and will always help if they are around.

But they struggle with overnight care. My mum is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid, and really worries about not hearing kids in the night. So she basically doesn't sleep when they stay overnight.

They have offered to have DB's children for 4x overnights a year. DB is not happy about this and has been applying increasing pressure to get them to do more.

They've just called me, really upset. DB went round to their house and ranted at them for 45 minutes about what terrible grandparents and parents they are, how everyone else does more for their grandchildren, and threatened to stop them seeing the kids. He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship - but only after this weekend, when they've already agreed to do an overnight.

AIBU to think my parents do plenty, and that DB is an entitled idiot?

Interestingly he's never asked me to help. I live quite a bit away so it would probably be inconvenient; maybe he doesn't trust me either. We aren't close but have a sort of polite, civil, distant relationship, send presents to each others' kids and meet a few times a year and talk about the weather sort of thing. I don't think it would help for me to speak to him. He can never admit that he's wrong anyway, ever.

My parents really like SIL and he's told them that she thinks they are awful for not doing more. I really don't think she would have said that but they are very hurt by it and that's part of what's making them doubt themselves. (I suspect SIL may use MN so maybe she'll recognise this and tell us...)

And yes, to the poster who asked about the timeframe, he's set 4th June as the "meeting" date. Very specific and no doubt tied to his next mini-break.

Some grandparents do help out an awful lot with looking after grandkids, so 12days a year might not seem much to some. But your brother should realise that not all grandparents want - or are able - to take on regular childcare. And that's their choice. He is being U and expecting too much.
Why doesn't he pay for a childminder?

I'd keep out of it though if I were you. It's for your parents to decide how to handle this, getting involved will do no good and it's a sensitive situation clearly.

4 nights a year and occasional insets isn’t a lot. They are entitled to say no but I don’t think they are being driven to an early grave here.

But raspberryk , they don't have to give any excuse. They're not obliged to do any babysitting at all. None of my grandparents ever babysat me, my parents didn't provide any babysitting neither did my PILs.

Actually, I'm wrong - DS2 did go off on a week's holiday with my DF when he was about 16

He is being totally unreasonable. 4 x weekends per year is plenty. I think threatening no contact is really mean.
My parents used to have my brothers kids a lot over weekend days and the one time they wanted to come to visit me as I needed help with something they did same. Refused contact for about a month after. It worked - my parents never came on a weekend again! I think it's cruel to withdraw contact & upsetting for the children too.
Could you have kids this weekend so your parents don't have to?

What "everyone else is saying" about them is "bloody hell when are they going to stick up for themselves and stop their son taking the absolute piss". Please translate for your parents without the swears 😁

I wouldn’t call 4 overnights a minimum, I’d call it very generous, especially if they don’t feel comfortable with doing overnights.

“Everyone else” definitely doesn’t do more than this.

I think if you’re honest this is more about how you feel about your brother than protecting your parents.

Your DB is an arse hole. My DP are 70. We don't ask them to have the boys overnight. They look after them fairly regularly in the evening while we go for a meal etc. But my parents can't be doing with early starts and my kids get up at 7am. It's just not fair on anyone.

Having said this, my DC are 4 and 6. I don't think we've actually left them both with anyone overnight. We left eldest overnight a couple of times as a toddler with SIL.

I don't however think late 60s is all that old!

Wow your db is a real bully

If I was your dp I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms ALL childcare is now off the cards.

My mil never looked after our dc by herself, never mind overnight.

My parents have had my dc a few times overnight. My dc are nor 16 abd 12.

Your brother sounds horrendous. Selfish, bullying, lazy, rude.

Your parents should not feel obliged to look after his dc. I’d run a mile. I’d distance myself, contact his wife separately to say why, and let him come crawling back.

I really hope you can persuade them to say that they don't need a meeting date and that they are no longer willing to provide any childcare to such a rude, aggressive, arrogant man.

Until he is prepared to apologise for the way he speaks to them, and gives some thought to how lucky he is to have anyone to provide childcare, I wouldn't be welcoming him back into the house either.

You need to step in and speak to him how dare he treat your parents this he is just a spoilt entitled twat

What a nasty manipulative piece of shit your brother is.

What a massive entitled prick your brother is. What they do for him is already decent. How immature and bullying is he, threatening no contact? If I were your parents I'd welcome it!!

We have no parents on DH side and mine have only babysat for evening cinema trips when they come and stay with us a couple of times a year, so 4 overnights a year plus odd days would be fantastic!

I wouldn't expect PIL to take our 3 together overnight even once! And my parents, who are both dead now, certainly could not have managed them and nor would I have expected them too. His behaviour towards your parents is awful. It is blackmail as well as bullying. He sounds awful

He's foul. What a hideous thing to say and to threaten them with. He actually sounds quite deranged.

Can you go round there and talk to your SIL?

My MIL is in good health, in her 50s, 30 mins away, doesn't work and has never once offered to look after DC. I once asked her to look after my first born for 1.5hours and in the lead up she made it SO difficult we cancelled.
She doesn't want to do any form of childcare and I understand that and respect her choice. I'll never expect any help from her at all. But I won't forget it either. And will consider how much input I have with assisting her in her old age. (She's already hinted that she hopes to live with us in years to come..)

If I was you I'd be kicking your brother up the arse!! 4 month reflection period??? What a knob! I hope you intervene on your parents' behalf! Even talk to your sil!

It's so easy for people here to say that they should just refuse any childcare from now on in. But presumably they love their grandchildren. And they'll never see them if they threaten that.

Wow, just wow! What an absolute man child! If I were your parents I would send a letter addressed to their DIL but address the letter inside to them both, to make sure she sees it. I would outline what your brother has said and then apologise for the way they feel but just as they have choices, so do your parents. Overnight stays are not an obligation and quite frankly they can not put weekends away before their own health.

They absolutely must not back down either. We all know what happens when you don’t stick to what you said with children 😉

If I was your SIL I’d be highly embarrassed with his behaviour.

I would call your brother and tell him what a selfish piece of shit he is for upsetting his parents and to put his hands in his tight arse pockets and pay for childcare. I wouldn’t dream of doing this to my parents. He should be ashamed.

Personally I think he needs a good hard kick squarely in the nuts and told to stop being a selfish arsehole.

I am wondering about talking to my SIL. I have always thought she is basically reasonable.

Her parents live a few hours away but do a lot more childcare for their children. That's great, it's their choice. But this is part of what seems to enrage DB.

It puzzles me why he doesn't pay for a childminder or arrange for a friend to do it (they have plenty of local friends). He seems to feel it is my parents' job to do it and cannot bear that they have refused him. He really did say some awful things about them and they are pretty shaken. They usually just go along with what he wants to placate him and this is the first time they have tried to set some boundaries, which seems to have unleashed a side to him they haven't seen before.