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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are not being unreasonable (childcare)

278 replies

InappropriateAdult · 12/01/2020 22:17

My brother and his wife are late 30s and have 2 children aged 4 and 8. Both have very well-paid jobs and can easily afford childcare. They like to go off to hotels at the weekend a few times a year without the kids.

My parents are very late 60s and live locally. They are happy to provide occasional childcare during the day e.g. inset days, a couple of days for each school holiday, if a child is sick etc. So maybe a total of 12 days a year. They are flexible and will always help if they are around.

But they struggle with overnight care. My mum is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid, and really worries about not hearing kids in the night. So she basically doesn't sleep when they stay overnight.

They have offered to have DB's children for 4x overnights a year. DB is not happy about this and has been applying increasing pressure to get them to do more.

They've just called me, really upset. DB went round to their house and ranted at them for 45 minutes about what terrible grandparents and parents they are, how everyone else does more for their grandchildren, and threatened to stop them seeing the kids. He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship - but only after this weekend, when they've already agreed to do an overnight.

AIBU to think my parents do plenty, and that DB is an entitled idiot?

OP posts:
Letsnotusemyname · 13/01/2020 06:32

“I am sure that Action on Elder Abuse would give advice on whether this is actual abuse.

Well, it isn't.

Let's not go too far the other way.

Grandparents do not have automatic rights to see their grandchildren.”

Might not be abuse at the moment but future developments? Your parents aren’t going to get any stronger,

My parent had our children once. Distance was one factor but we didn’t assume/they didn’t offer. As a child you shouldn’t expect your parents to provide on-tap childcare.

Nice if your parents were on a minibreak of their own on June 4th.

Not sure what the solution is as leopards rarely change their spots.

All the best with this.

Jokie · 13/01/2020 06:44

I'm glad that you'll speak to your dbro about it but he's definitely being the unreasonable one and trying to guilt trip them into more childcare is not acceptable.

My mum is similar to yours in that she won't sleep well when there's a baby in the house (even when I'm there and it's my baby!) As it automatically puts her in "watcher" role and she'll be awake at 2am offering to help!

If my brother acted like yours, I'd be telling him to not cut his nose off to spite his face and his "period of reflection" is likely to backfire on him.

Teenagedream · 13/01/2020 06:53

My parents lived locally. Happy to babysit during the day but never had my twins overnight. I felt a little sad but never said anything and was grateful for what they did do for us.

Mumdiva99 · 13/01/2020 06:54

My P-i-l have never once had any of my kids for any length of time. They are still their grandparents.

Mine do help out. But my partner and I have averaged about 1 overnight a year. (Actually it hasn't happened for the last two years ...).

My grandmother only had me to stay about 5/6 times when I was growing up - she was still my Nanny.

Your brother is a bully. If he wants a period of reflection start now - no overnight stay. Selfish twat. He's emotionally blackmailing them.

Parents are their to parent. Grandparents can pick and choose what they do.

BabyEI · 13/01/2020 06:55

Your brother is being totally unreasonable. Your parents seem to do quite a lot of babysitting anyway and to threaten to withdraw his children from visiting their grandparents because they won't take on any more, is cruel. Don't be intimidated by your brother, it's time for you to step in and support your parents. Show him this thread if he won't see reason.

SpeckledyHen · 13/01/2020 06:55

OP - post this on Gransnet and see what they have to say about it too .

KatherineJaneway · 13/01/2020 06:57

He seems to feel it is my parents' job to do it and cannot bear that they have refused him.

I bet he's more concerned he'll have to pay for childcare.

Original poster
InappropriateAdult · 13/01/2020 07:22

Wow, thank you for all the responses. Just catching up.

Yes, he has always been like this towards those closest to him. He will be nice as long as you are doing what he wants.

This thread has opened up my eyes to what we have all tolerated / excused over the years.

As a pp said, I fear that if I show him this thread he will pick out the (very) few responses saying what he wants to hear (that they don't do enough) and focus on these. Like I said, he will never, ever admit he is wrong. He will probably also retaliate against me - he has form for doing this (used to read my - locked - diaries as a teenager and threaten to tell others about them, if I upset him in any way). I would hope he's changed in 20 years but what if he hasn't...

I think I will share this thread with my parents, swears and all, as they will really benefit from the weight of the support. I'll just tell my mum it's how we all speak these days Grin

OP posts:
SallyWD · 13/01/2020 07:24

He sounds horrible. Your poor parents.

Plumbus · 13/01/2020 07:28

You brother is a twat. He should count himself lucky he gets any parental support at all to "go off to hotels at the weekend a few times a year without the kids."

and threatened to stop them seeing the kids
A real dick move.

dottiedodah · 13/01/2020 07:28

I think they are both being a bit unreasonable here TBH! Your parents are not doing a huge amount of Babysitting ,and 60 odd is not that old nowadays ! I am hard of hearing ,but DH wakes up at the slightest sound! However your DB sounds a bit of a Twat really. Can you speak to him and see if he will listen to you ? The children will be confused if they cant see GP for 4 months ! Likewise maybe say to your DP can they help a little more ?(If they say no ,that should be good enough !)

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/01/2020 07:28

If my child was that entitled they could reflect for as long as they wanted as I would be doing no childcare and emailing a link to a professional babysitter.

They are under no obligation to provide any childcare and ad hoc days plus four overnights is a generous amount. They have raised their children and are not responsible for their grandchildren the parents are.

Quite why so many become parents but expect everyone else to look after the children is beyond me,

As for not helping in old age if not agreeing to be a free babysitter, words fail me.

Sparkle567 · 13/01/2020 07:28

20 years later what can he really use against you?

I’d be sticking up for my parents. He’s vile.

chipsandgin · 13/01/2020 07:31

You clearly care for your parents well-being, unlike you’re brother who sounds like an entitled little prick (apologies to the OPs parents, but it’s true). Also worth pointing out that most adults stop using the ‘everybody else’s parents’ line when they reach 16. What a knob. Perhaps if he wanted to carry on having all these ‘me time’ weekends away he should have thought twice about becoming a parent, they are his kids, grandparents aren’t parents by proxy, time spent with them should be so they can enjoy them not for free childcare so that the parents can dump and run.

TryingToBeBold · 13/01/2020 07:34

I would be getting your DP to say no to your DB this weekend and watch the shit hit the fan.
It will piss your DB off because it's reasonably short notice and may make him cancel his plans... but maybe then learn to appreciate your DP

flouncyfanny · 13/01/2020 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jackstini · 13/01/2020 07:43

Love that idea @flouncyfanny !

Sounds to me like your parents love their DGC and do plenty

Your brother is being ridiculously selfish and very short sighted. Has he even thought about how his DC will feel about not seeing their grandparents for so long?

Els1e · 13/01/2020 07:44

Grandparents providing childcare is not a competition. It should be whatever they feel comfortable with. Your brother’s behaviour is awful. I feel sorry for his wife and kids. I would suggest your parents ignores his ranting and tells him not to be so bloody rude and a bully. Yes, they can swear at him. Ask him what his friends and colleagues would think if they knew this is how he speaks to his parents.

Cremebrule · 13/01/2020 07:46

He is being an utter arse and very unreasonable to your parents. But, considering they are local they probably aren’t doing much compared to some. We don’t have any parents locally and think it must be amazing for people that do. My in-laws are amazing and help out as much as they can for me and my bil/sil despite living a few hours away. They don’t do regular childcare but do odd days etc. My parents are older and just aren’t as motivated, have never offered and I doubt they’ll actually visit us again at our house. They love seeing the grandchildren when we visit but they now only really see us 4/5 times a year. I think it’s a bit sad.

mummyway · 13/01/2020 07:50

Your brother sounds like an entitled twat. Where are the maternal grandparents and family members in this scenario.
Your brother needs to get other babysitting help, not your parents.

Straycatstrut · 13/01/2020 07:50

My parents are early sixties. I am a single parent of two hyperactive boys, one SEN, other needs surgery and regular checkups in another city. I'm at the end of my rope (suicidal thoughts, wake up and cry in the mornings) and they won't have mine overnight or for full days in school holidays, or any regular school runs so I can work. I am DESPERATE to go back to work. But I'm expected to do it all on my own - school runs, jobs, medial appointments, housework, school holidays, school activities, and I simply can't cope. "MOST" grandparents don't do more!! they are the rare ones.

If they don't have the childcare, won't pay for it - they CAN'T have the trips away!

Aragog · 13/01/2020 07:56

Your brother is behaving like a spoiled brat. He is entitled and rude. Your poor parents.

Mind you, reading some comments in this thread it seems there are a few entitled children here too. Your own children are your own responsibility. A grandparent can still be a doting and loving one even without wanting to have your children overnight!

Aragog · 13/01/2020 07:58

Although the OP put 12 days - don't forget that's 12 days on their own with the children, not necessarily how often they see them. I wonder how often brother and SIL visit them as a family, without just dumping the kids and heading out for work or a jolly?!

CaddyCady · 13/01/2020 07:58

Your brother sounds like a manipulative nasty piece of work. I hope you parents see that this is not their fault.

BlaueLagune · 13/01/2020 07:58

Your brother is an entitled arse. And by the sounds of it he's bloody lucky they do any childcare for him

This. Grandparents aren't required to do any childcare unless they want to. His kids, not theirs.