To think my parents are not being unreasonable (childcare)

[InappropriateAdult]

My brother and his wife are late 30s and have 2 children aged 4 and 8. Both have very well-paid jobs and can easily afford childcare. They like to go off to hotels at the weekend a few times a year without the kids.

My parents are very late 60s and live locally. They are happy to provide occasional childcare during the day e.g. inset days, a couple of days for each school holiday, if a child is sick etc. So maybe a total of 12 days a year. They are flexible and will always help if they are around.

But they struggle with overnight care. My mum is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid, and really worries about not hearing kids in the night. So she basically doesn't sleep when they stay overnight.

They have offered to have DB's children for 4x overnights a year. DB is not happy about this and has been applying increasing pressure to get them to do more.

They've just called me, really upset. DB went round to their house and ranted at them for 45 minutes about what terrible grandparents and parents they are, how everyone else does more for their grandchildren, and threatened to stop them seeing the kids. He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship - but only after this weekend, when they've already agreed to do an overnight.

AIBU to think my parents do plenty, and that DB is an entitled idiot?

What a complete arsehole he is op. Your dps should call his bluff and tell him they’ll be doing zero overnight childcare from now on.

As somebody else said : go on a trip with them on 4 June. Your poor Mum and Dad. They are not bad Grandparents. He is not the best father though,
forcing non contact with the Grandchildren until June.

Your brother should count himself lucky. My youngest is 11 now & I think I've had 4 overnights in her entire life! I don't even get many days, any childcare I have had has been through paid childcare.

In other words, your brother is an ungrateful pr*ck.

Your brother is a cunt

Who is the 1% that think you're unreasonable?! Crazy!

How often do you see your bro? How involved with his family are you? Would it make much difference to your life if he stopped speaking to you after you tore him off a strip on behalf of your parents? How could he hurt you?

If he can't really hurt you then you have nothing to lose. Shout at him, call him a bully, tell him he should at least show your parents basic courtesy.

I would also start chatting to his wife, building up to finding out how he treats her.

Your brother is a nasty bully.

But you know that OP.
Reading your diaries and threatening you, tells me everything one would need to know about his character.

Your parents placating him over the years has led them to this point.

Well, he has surely shown them clearly what he thinks, and who he is.

He is a disgrace.

Your parents will have to decide themselves if they wish to accept this treatment.

Just adding to the chorus - your brother is vile. Mine have never been looked after by a grandparent overnight in the 10 years we’ve had dc and only once for one day for a funeral. The dc still see the grandparents, despite them not helping us out because they are my dcs’ grandparents which is a different thing to being on the hook for childcare help to adult children.

Your parents need to put a stop on overnights immediately and stop being bullied into doing more than they feel comfortably able to. He won't cut them off, he gets too much free babysitting out if them.

Your brother's behaviour is really terrible. I wonder if he is bullying and abusive towards his wife and children as well? It seems likely if he's like this with his own parents. Maybe have a quiet, supportive word with his wife.

Your DB was very much out of order with bullying your parents. Unfortunately, parents might still have to parent their adult children on the odd occasion. Your parents should put your DB in an adult "time out" meaning no child care of ANY sort for 6 months effective immediately. After 6 months, if his attitude has changed for the better, then normal child care could resume.

He bullied me growing up and I fear he's now started the same with my parents now they are older and more vulnerable.

This stood out to me. If they don't stand up to him over this issue, with your support, things may just get worse over time.

Well your brother is an entitled moron!
I'd suggest to your parents to call his bluff as I can guarantee he'd come running with his tail between his legs sooner than what your parents would! I understand its hard as there are young children involved though. Are your parents able to speak to you SIL instead of him?

Your brother is unkind and ungrateful OP - many of us here don't get half as much support as your parents have offered! I hope it hasn't upset them too much - they should be cross if anything.

I think you should take your parents out this weekend so they're not here when he arrives to drop off and again in June.

As you know your DB is very unreasonably. We were quite lucky in that one set of grandparents did enjoy overnights with ours but the other set would only do so in an emergency so when I was in labour with my second child and when one child was in hospital as they were closer.
I hope your parents stand firm!

I have my gs (age 4) every day after school and possibly twice month overnight. It's hard work but my daughter is a single parent working full time and I remember those days. Plus I love my gs and want to help. I think your parents are being totally reasonable though esp as they children seem to be at their other gp alot so your brother and sis in law seem to be part time parents! I have never pestered my parents or in laws to have my kids but they do if we have a rare night out or and even more rare weekend away. Your brother is a total bully and extremely controlling. Maybe they should take their own children on their mini breaks! Wouldn't hurt them putting the kids first instead of themselves. I hope your parents stand upto him. He needs them more than they need him and he wouldn't be that cruel to keep the kids away permanently xx

Firstly, OP's mum, if you read this I apologise in advance for my foul language that I would never say out loud.

OP, your brother is a cunt. He is gaslighting his own parents to get his own way. That is ABUSE. He has clearly got away with far too much over the years and his overblown sense of entitlement hasn't wained. I do wonder what sort of husband he is...I suspect much the same.

I fear if your parents don't draw a very firm line at this stage (including the imminent babysitting), then it will be the thin end of the wedge. What is he going to do? Stamp his feet and throw a tantrum? Let him. It's time this bullying little oik was put in his place.

I put upon my parents very little when my DD was small. They had her overnight maybe once every two months and they were in their mid 50's at this point. Unfortunately my mum died at 60 so that was the end of that. I am now 50 with an 8 year old DS and have never had a night away from him nor anybody to ask. I can't imagine saying things like that to my now elderly father and stepmother. What a vile, cruel man. I hope they find the courage to stand up to him and nip this firmly in the bud. He needs to learn a very hard lesson. Also, yes, I would say the same to SIL along the lines of "I will not stand back and watch my parents be bullied by your twat of a husband". Good luck.

Sounds remarkably like my brother who has been NC with my parents and myself for two years. Id be calling his bluff if i were your parents, definitely wouldnt be babysitting that last night either. Let him stew, they will need your parents before they need him

My daughter is deaf in one ear so please do not use partial deafness as a reason why your mother couldn't look after the kids overnight
Im deaf mostly in one ear.I wear a hearing aid,and when i take it out i cant hear anything at all.

I have kids, and i have a gs.The only way i would look after him overnight would be in his own house.

I take him out during the day.Oh and im 46,so its not only the older gps that can find it hard minding their gc.

He sounds a horrendous bully, as everyone has said.

I agree that all the bluff callings possible is their only response.

Your parents absolutely must stand up to him here and refuse the current night planned. This is imperative. They need to take back the power and set a precedent that they will not be bullied going forward.
If not, then your DB will continue to dictate things.
Your GP have every right to do as they please. They have that choice.
My DM had my DC overnight a total of zero in fourteen years.
Crunch time.

My MIL just mentioned that next time we visit, if we want to go away for a bit longer than an evening, she'd be OK about looking after our two. And we were shocked - she's in her 70s, and well able (ours are pretty un-demanding - the worst that would happen is a waning enthusiasm for card games after then 30th game of Uno), but we've never had any expectations that she would, and in fact, we probably won't take her up on it, as politically, we don't want to put her in an awkward place with her other sons - one of which has 3 year old twins (not that I think my BIL/SIL would push or be miffed, they're reasonable, but I don't want MIL to feel any pressure to be 'fair')

This is going to go downhill - either your parents will capitulate, and be overworked and resentful but not able to show it, or they'll re-enforce their boundaries, and he'll have a tantrum. There are no good outcomes here I think.

Wow what an unpleasant person your brother is showing himself to be.

If I were your parents I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that they do not respond well to blackmail, and withholding time with their grandchildren if they do not capitulate to his demands is punishing both his children and your parents. They do not owe him ANY childcare, it is a privilege that they offer and it will always be on their terms. My parents watch my little one on a Wednesday for me (they can't do more really despite them wanting to as my mum is a full time carer for my dad) and this may change to no childcare as my dad's needs change. Its mine and my DH's responsibility to organise childcare as it was our decision to have children but we are grateful for any assistance. I'd never demand or pressure, nor would I deny my child and my parents a relationship for something so trivial?!

Sounds like they need to take back control of the situation (emotionally difficult though it may be) and tell him what's happening not the other way round. Make sure to fuss the GCs at their next visit and let them know how loved they are, end with a 'hope to see you very soon, miss you already'.

Really hope the CF bully brother gets the stiff talking to he rightly deserves OP!

My twins are 13 and no one has ever had them overnight so I can go to a hotel with my husband. How lucky is he!!