To think my parents are not being unreasonable (childcare)

[InappropriateAdult]

My brother and his wife are late 30s and have 2 children aged 4 and 8. Both have very well-paid jobs and can easily afford childcare. They like to go off to hotels at the weekend a few times a year without the kids.

My parents are very late 60s and live locally. They are happy to provide occasional childcare during the day e.g. inset days, a couple of days for each school holiday, if a child is sick etc. So maybe a total of 12 days a year. They are flexible and will always help if they are around.

But they struggle with overnight care. My mum is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid, and really worries about not hearing kids in the night. So she basically doesn't sleep when they stay overnight.

They have offered to have DB's children for 4x overnights a year. DB is not happy about this and has been applying increasing pressure to get them to do more.

They've just called me, really upset. DB went round to their house and ranted at them for 45 minutes about what terrible grandparents and parents they are, how everyone else does more for their grandchildren, and threatened to stop them seeing the kids. He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship - but only after this weekend, when they've already agreed to do an overnight.

AIBU to think my parents do plenty, and that DB is an entitled idiot?

My MIL died at 69. Late 60s was old age for her.

It seems to me that this is an epidemic of parents being controlled by the threat of not seeing their grandchildren if they do not comply with the demands of their children and spouse(s).
I am sure that Action on Elder Abuse would give advice on whether this is actual abuse.
There will be grandparents who are old at 60s and others who are sprightly at 80s. It depends on the people themselves. Bullying from the son will be wearing the parents down and the threats of not seeing the children is an emotional thing.
DB needs to learn how to conduct himself with grace and manners

I suspect your brother doesnt ask you because you may then ask him to watch your kids. He sounds the type.

I think you should speak to brother and SIL. They are behaving terribly.

While yes the brother does sound like a bully .sorry but the grandparents are not exactly killing themselves to help either .he probably just feels they could me more involved while they don't have to I get that .its sad .i was always with my grandparents folk just don't seem to make the same effort these days bet a lot of them refusing to help got help from there parents

I find grandparents tend to be very involved in families where everyone helps each other. So GPs help with childcare,

I'd talk to sil first without your brother.

Even if your parents provided no childcare at all, he should still speak to them with respect. It's immaterial whether they provide 1 day childcare a month or 1 day every decade - anything is a gift and should be treated as such.
To threaten to block your parents' relationship with their grandchildren unless they agree to his teems is just shocking. He can't even keep his story straight :
"You're terrible grandparents. I must reflect on things. Oh but you're capable of looking after them this coming weekend, I don't need to start reflecting until after then. And I'll probably be finished in time for my weekend away in June, so keep that in mind. "
It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad.

His teems = his terms

Posted too soon - GM bakes cake for a special birthday for her SIL. Adult brother pops round and helps out with DIY GPs can not do, alla available adults go and help 20 year old relative decorate their new house, etc.
Where it does not work is where the expectations GPs help, but there is no culture or practice of everyone helping each other out.

Yanbu
He’s using threats and emotional blackmail. He sounds horrible.

If your mum is worried about hearing the kids overnight, she could put them on little mattresses on her bedroom floor. They’d probably enjoy the “camp” and she’d have no worries about hearing them and could sleep.

I am sure that Action on Elder Abuse would give advice on whether this is actual abuse.

Well, it isn't.

Let's not go too far the other way.

Grandparents do not have automatic rights to see their grandchildren.

Basically to anyone complaining about GPs not helping out with childcare enough I would be asking who have you helped/or do you help out in your wider family?

He is a bully. No other (polite) way of putting it. Definitely find out from SIL if there is a holiday booked for 5th of June.
Seriously holding kids over parents heads like this is evil, Narc-ish behaviour. Would be terrible if his weekend plans were scuppered at the last minute, wouldn’t it?

@zasknbg I am assuming you are pretty well off? There is no way there is room in our bedroom for that to be possible. Or in a lot of bedrooms.

@aprilanne Should the grandparents help the brother with child care if he is not giving them any assistance.
I know Grandparents who babysat a lot 4 days a week, babysat at a moments notice but when they asked for anything the Adult DC didn't help them.
Should it not be a two way street

I think you should tear a strip off your entitled bro. Tell him off roundly for upsetting your parents as he has, for lying about sil's feelings about them, and for bullying.

The chances are he'll be so shocked that he won't be able to speak for at least long enough for you to get a few choice words in; make sure 'bully' is one of them. Bullies I've known have been stopped in their tracks by calling them bullies; they know bullying is serious and are shocked anyone would accuse them of it, to the extent that they shut up for a while!

@TheBouquets Yes of course it should be a 2-way street or a 4 or 4-way street. Because when people talk about GPs doing lots of childcare in the past, what was usually happening was everyone was helping each other out. Not in a transactional way, but simply thinking that family helps those who need it at that current time.
This is how my inlaws were

If you think you’re SIL is more approachable then I would try talking to her first of all. Do you think your brother bullies her as well in their relationship?

@karencantobe

The instances I was talking about happened during the times of caring for DGC. One day the DGP were watching the DGC the next day the DGP needed help. No help came. Next day again DGC was expected to be babysat despite the problem of the previous day not being resolved or apologised for.
My parents were good for helping me and I hope that the things I did from them were enough. I certainly agree that it should be everyone helping out as far as their skills allow but when it is only a one way street of babysitting and money providing, I don't think Grandparents were here to provide all and anything for Adult DC without even being treated respectfully. (I consider swearing and shouting at parents to be disrespectful)

@thebouquets Sorry I was agreeing with you, sorry that was not clear. That was awful treatment of our GPs.

@karencantobe Sorry I didn't get that you were agreeing with me. I have watched this at close quarters and I really think I am next. I don't want to be rotten but I don't want to be used

Of course you don't want to be used. So say no.

I will be cut off and not able to see DN. That is what happened to other family members.
Also the parent(s) of DN are constantly wanting money or DN is not seen.
Worry what happens to DN when the conditioning or coercion does not work. Scared to be cut off for DN sake

Oh sorry, that is a really tough situation. No easy answer.

Nasty, manipulative , blackmailing piece of work- truly awful behaviour !