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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are not being unreasonable (childcare)

278 replies

InappropriateAdult · 12/01/2020 22:17

My brother and his wife are late 30s and have 2 children aged 4 and 8. Both have very well-paid jobs and can easily afford childcare. They like to go off to hotels at the weekend a few times a year without the kids.

My parents are very late 60s and live locally. They are happy to provide occasional childcare during the day e.g. inset days, a couple of days for each school holiday, if a child is sick etc. So maybe a total of 12 days a year. They are flexible and will always help if they are around.

But they struggle with overnight care. My mum is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid, and really worries about not hearing kids in the night. So she basically doesn't sleep when they stay overnight.

They have offered to have DB's children for 4x overnights a year. DB is not happy about this and has been applying increasing pressure to get them to do more.

They've just called me, really upset. DB went round to their house and ranted at them for 45 minutes about what terrible grandparents and parents they are, how everyone else does more for their grandchildren, and threatened to stop them seeing the kids. He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship - but only after this weekend, when they've already agreed to do an overnight.

AIBU to think my parents do plenty, and that DB is an entitled idiot?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 12/01/2020 22:56

It's so easy for people here to say that they should just refuse any childcare from now on in. But presumably they love their grandchildren. And they'll never see them if they threaten that.

I doubt that will happen. OP said SiL is nice, and common sense will probably prevail next time they need a poorly child looked after.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 12/01/2020 22:56

Period of reflection should start immediately. No way should your dps do another overnight.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/01/2020 22:57

I am a grandparent. I outright refuse to do overnights. They are not my children, I didn't choose to have them and I don't want to have to 'childproof' my very nice house for the sake of someone else's children.

Your parents are not the least unreasonable and your 'D'B is being an abusive and controlling arse. Threatening to cut off contact to teach them a lesson, indeed!

Babybel90 · 12/01/2020 22:57

What a nobber! The way I look at it is that you can’t have mini breaks once you have kids, they’re part of your family and no one else’s responsibility.

My parents have looked after my DD once in three years (they live far away) and PIL have looked after her for 2 days and a couple of times for a couple of hours when we’ve been out for a meal near by, but if they hadn’t been able to look after her we would’ve managed and certainly would never have seen their free childcare as our right.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 12/01/2020 22:59

Nether my DPS or ILs provide any childcare. Ever. They are still grandparents.
What your dps are suggesting is extremely generous. I'd bite their hands off and book them a mini break as a thank you.

AvaSnowdrop · 12/01/2020 23:01

My Gran was in her 60s when I was a child but she never babysat me. Not even during the day, never mind overnight. She’d raised five children of her own and couldn’t be bothered raising any more. If you choose to have a child you can’t expect help.

Nobody has ever had my DC overnight, the night wakings are too much for grandparents to handle. Only one grandparent ever babysits for me, a maximum of 6 hours once every few months and no later than midnight. I’d kill for four overnights a year, I haven’t spent a whole night in bed with DH since we had DC.

Panpastels · 12/01/2020 23:01

I'm another whose parents have never babysat or had mine overnight and my eldest is now nearly 23.
Your db is a selfish arse.

Daftodil · 12/01/2020 23:02

Your brother's behaviour is appalling! Selfish, entitled and ungrateful.

As a pp has said, your parents should refuse to have the kids this weekend and suggest your bro "reflects on his behaviour" instead.

I think you should have a word with your bro and encourage him to apologise to your parents and stop using his children as weapons against your parents to get his own way. Or maybe speak to your SIL and get her side of things - does she agree with your bro or is she oblivious to this outburst?

Your bro should also appreciate that going away for 4 weekends a year without his young kids is quite a lot (ime).

bumblenbean · 12/01/2020 23:03

Absolutely outrageous behaviour from your brother. He has no ‘right’ to childcare, and the amount offered by his wife’s parents is irrelevant. If they help that much he shouldn’t need your parents’ help anyway, and as you say if he needs more childcare he can bloody well pay for it!!

My parents are 72 but in v good health and live locally. They are wonderful with our kids, see them very regularly and are always happy to babysit or have the kids if childcare falls through but they’ve never had the kids overnight without us (except when DC2 was being born!) and nor would I expect them to. Neither child sleeps through and I don’t expect a pair of pensioners to be getting up several times a night amongst all the other things involved in looking after two toddlers.

Yes it’s nice that some grandparents are happy to do lots of childcare but it should never be expected let alone demanded. Your poor parents, what a way to be spoken to Angry

Ikeameatballs · 12/01/2020 23:03

I had loads of support from my parents when dc were little, including frequent overnight stays. I still think your DB is being an arse.

TheABC · 12/01/2020 23:04

Idiot. Whilst it's nice for the family to help out, there is no obligation to do so.

Both sets of GPs in our family enjoy spending time with our kids and have offered to take them for a few days during the holidays. However, it's done to their schedule and inclination and there's no expectation on our part. (I am researching summer holiday cover as I write this). As a result, when we do meet up, theres no stress, resentment or guilt.

If your parents don't want to do an overnight stay, they don't have to do it.

missyoumuch · 12/01/2020 23:04

Agree your brother sounds awful, but I’m also wondering why your DM stays up all night for a 4 and 8 year old? They are old enough to walk into their room and ask for help at night.

Vgbeat · 12/01/2020 23:06

He sounds like a royal hm hm. I would be giving him a call and spelling out a few home truths

Soontobe60 · 12/01/2020 23:07

Your brother is a fucking twat!
Rather than posting for advice on here, phone him up and tell him so! Also, tell your parents that under no circumstances should they have their grandchildren this weekend as a result of his behaviour. Do it now!

noeyedeer · 12/01/2020 23:09

Your DB needs to give himself a shake. My DPs are great, but they live 5+ hours away. If they come to stay, they'll babysit so we can have a night out. Last year, they stayed for a weekend, so we could go away for DH significant birthday - and we felt bloody lucky that they did so. Your poor parents. DB is playing a blackmail game.

fartingsparkles · 12/01/2020 23:09

Bloody hell, bro is a right selfish bullying arse!

I am single with 2 DC and they have never been babysat overnight. I'm bloody lucky to get 1 looked after for an afternoon or evening. If he wants that level of childcare he needs to pay for it. 'Everyone else' certainly is not as fortunate. I think that your dps should tell him where to go with his period of reflection, and perhaps he should reflect on his own horrible attitude (althoug I can understand their reluctance to).

PerkyPomPoms · 12/01/2020 23:10

He sounds horrendous and entitled

Albaba · 12/01/2020 23:12

Inappropriateadult. I have a sibling. We both have children and we both work. The only difference is that I pay for my childcare and they don't. They had a childminder for all of about 5 minutes.

I could count the times I have ever asked my parents to help out on about 2 fingers while they are always looking. Even my Mum said "you never ask for anything and A and B are looking all the time" They always seem to have their kids and its just not just during the day either they look for them to look after them overnight too. We have never had a single night away from our kids. I don't think that they see that my parents have brought their own kids up and impose on them too much, but my parents would be too decent to say anything. So yes your parents like mine sound like they are doing plenty.

user764329056 · 12/01/2020 23:13

I am a grandmother of three, aged 3, 9 and 11 and often look after them overnight on my own, am really close to them and I love it, but we’re all different and your brother sounds awful to your poor parents

MilesHuntsWig · 12/01/2020 23:15

Wow, your bro is a piece of work.

Your parents aren't obliged to do anything if they don't want to and it sounds as though they do plenty already. How awful of him to behave like this, what a horrible situation for them. Do you have the type of relationship where you could talk reason with him?

I hope they call his bluff tbh - he'll prob come crawling back when he wants something. Controlling asshat.

Frenchw1fe · 12/01/2020 23:15

Your db is an entitled ass but I am surprised how many gp's don't have dgc.

We have our dgs for 4 weeks in the summer holidays. It's exhausting but we love it.

Nomorepies · 12/01/2020 23:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

converseandjeans · 12/01/2020 23:16

So they get 4 child free weekend breaks from your parents but SIL parents has them too? That's a lot of child free time they want/expect.

SarahAndQuack · 12/01/2020 23:16

Your brother is being a tosser.

It is lovely when grandparents feel able to help out, but I can see why a disabled person (which your mother is, with her hearing issues) might feel it is harder for them and it's too big an ask.

(And, @missyoumuch, isn't the issue that the grandmother is deaf, so can't be sure she would hear the children coming in and asking for help? So she worries about it? Frankly I would also worry about this, as a four year old is certainly young enough that I would very much want to be sure I heard them calling if there was an urgent problem. I doubt many four year olds - or even most 8 year olds - will take granny's hearing loss into account if they're suddenly sick during the night.)

I think your brother is selfish and it will catch up with him. My brother used to try to guilt-trip my parents into doing more childcare than they were really comfortable with. Things came to a head last year, when my mum (who, like yours, is mildly disabled) ended up falling on the stairs, and broke her leg very badly. She's still not fully recovered and is unlikely to regain full function, and she's only in her late 60s. It really made my parents reassess what they were constantly being asked to do, and it certainly prompted me to have some very direct conversations with my brother about his attitude.

What would he do if (god forbid) something bad did happen? How would he feel if either his children or your mum ended up hurting themselves?

VividImagination · 12/01/2020 23:17

I look after dgs for inset days, if he’s unwell (but not if he’s really poorly) or if his parents have a wedding, funeral or party (rarely). I do concerts, assemblies, nativities and sports days st the school and will collect in emergencies. I don’t have him overnight. Ever. It’s too much. Work your brother is being unreasonable but he doesn’t sound like a very nice person.