To think my parents are not being unreasonable (childcare)

[InappropriateAdult]

My brother and his wife are late 30s and have 2 children aged 4 and 8. Both have very well-paid jobs and can easily afford childcare. They like to go off to hotels at the weekend a few times a year without the kids.

My parents are very late 60s and live locally. They are happy to provide occasional childcare during the day e.g. inset days, a couple of days for each school holiday, if a child is sick etc. So maybe a total of 12 days a year. They are flexible and will always help if they are around.

But they struggle with overnight care. My mum is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid, and really worries about not hearing kids in the night. So she basically doesn't sleep when they stay overnight.

They have offered to have DB's children for 4x overnights a year. DB is not happy about this and has been applying increasing pressure to get them to do more.

They've just called me, really upset. DB went round to their house and ranted at them for 45 minutes about what terrible grandparents and parents they are, how everyone else does more for their grandchildren, and threatened to stop them seeing the kids. He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship - but only after this weekend, when they've already agreed to do an overnight.

AIBU to think my parents do plenty, and that DB is an entitled idiot?

I hope they've withdrawn their services for this weekend. What a bully.

Show him the thread first OP. He's lucky to have them.

Your brother is abusive. What he has done - manipulating your parents to get what he wants, is a form of abuse. Your parents are more than generous. Your brother is also high risk for bullying his wife and kids to get his demands met.

I understand your parents of course want a lovely relationship with their grandchildren but that can't come by being abused, disrespected and bullied. It is situations like this where I believe we need a more robust system to support grandparents giving them access rights.

Please tell them we all think so highly of them and they do not deserve this treatment.

I think your Brother is taking the mickey.
Children of 4 and 8 aren’t that old , I don’t know if they are easy children but if they feed of your brothers behaviour I suspect not. Does your mum have a good reason not to trust them to behave?
My mum died at 62 , my MIL was in a wheelchair in her early 60s , your parents good health shouldn’t be taken advantage of.

@OnTheEdgeOfTheNight spot on, every word! How on earth has this come about OP, has he always been so different to you, and what sounds like, lovely parents?

I honestly wouldn't bother speaking to your brother yourself - why open yourself up to the almost-certain abuse that would follow?

Maybe speak to your SIL if you think it's worth it but it seems to me that he thinks his parents should step up and do the same amount as SIL's parents, and that his/your parents are slack for not doing so.

The "everyone says/thinks this about you" is standard narc abusive bollocks. No one else apart from him thinks/says it, but because the narc is such a Big I Am, they just extrapolate out from themselves and actually believe that everyone would agree with them so say it as if it were fact. If he's not a narc, then it's still a standard control mechanism to shame people into doing what the bully wants them to do.

Your parents don't deserve this. Hard though it would be, I would refuse to do this weekend's sleepover and let HIM stew on his behaviour, not the other way round. Sounds like they've let him get away with far too much for far too long and it may well be too late for them to set appropriate boundaries, but they still should.

Yes he is behaving extremely childish BUT I can understand his frustration. Your parents are having the grandchildren at a minimum, yes it's their choice and right but still it is sad.

WTF??? Grandparents do not have to provide childcare to their grandchildren at all if they don't want to. I bet the OP's parents didn't swan off at any given opportunity to hotels without their kids. He is a selfish entitled arse.

It is very frustrating when the only time we get to see our grandchildren is when we provide free babysitting services.
Threatening to deny them any contact with their grandchildren if they will not provide overnight babysitting services is bloody outrageous.

Your brother sounds like an entitled arse. How many parents get as many as 4 weekends away per year?

If I were your parents, I would be away on the 4th June.

I am fortunate in that my DC are now 24, 22, 20 & 13 so childcare is not an issue for me. However I find this common attitude of expecting GP to look after DC really irritating. When my eldest DC was born, my in-laws felt they were too young to be grandparents, although when DSIL had her first DC six weeks later, they couldn't be more excited - calling round to visit us as 6.30am to let us know the exciting news. My DM was 58 and had Multiple Sclerosis - she was so excited to have a DGC, but couldn't physically do much. Additionally, my step-father had abused me as a child, so that was another reason there would be no help from them. My DM adored seeing my DC and we would visit at least weekly. Sadly, she died aged 61, when I was expecting my 3rd DC. My PIL regularly made the time to see their other grandchildren and babysit but my DC rarely saw their GP (we lived closer to GP than SIL).

When my eldest DC were 4, 2 & 9 months, my husband had a works trip to an afternoon and evening at the Millennium Dome. That was the first time my DC spent a night away from us - one DF had the eldest 2DC and another DF the youngest. I genuinely can't remember someone having all 3DC at the same time and child- free nights really didn't happen for us. However, we chose to have 4DC and so it was just part of life.

For those saying that OP DP could have the DGC more regularly, why should they? It doesn't mean they aren't happy to see the DGC more regularly, just they don't want more responsibility and I see no reason why they should be expected to, OP - please reassure your DP it is your DB with the problem, not them and I would be encouraging them not to have the DG this weekend either.

@raspberryk it doesn't sound from your post that you do actually realise they are your kids and your responsibility. Nobody has the right to expect anyone to look after children they chose to have. I have five kids and can't remember the last time myself and my husband were alone as I have no family nearby but even when my mum did leave near to me I was grateful for whatever was offered rather than expecting more. To say it's an excuse is just crap since you don't know them and if she's scared of not hearing the kids then that's how it is. She doesn't need to make an excuse to not have them because she could just say "I've raised my children" and leave them to do the same. Posts like this make me beyond furious at the level of entitlement some people have!!!

You can tell your DPs that they are offering 12 more days and 4 more nights than either set of my kids' grandparents ever have!

If I'm being totally honest, I do think the grandparents in our family are pretty crap. However I would never tell them that! I just don't expect anything from them. I can't imagine threatening NC because they won't do a bit of babysitting

Your DPs sound lovely.

My fil has never ever baby sat my dd. Not looked after her for me for even 5 minutes. My mother had dd overnight on very few occasions and only so I could have medical treatment. I never would have wanted or expected this until dd was about 7 and easier to manage. She lives some distance away so stays with us or vis versa and usually looks after dd / plays with her when I’m around or just popped out for a short while. Your brother is an idiot and extremely lucky both sets of parents look after his children. Manchild. If you mean this weekend coming, I’d definitely urge your parents to make a stand and refuse babysitting.

Just show the thread to your brother instead of your mum please, OP.

Your db is being very unreasonable. Grandparents do not have to offer overnight care ever. I had perhaps 3 weeks in total over a 20 year period!

I suggest your Mum tells your brother, that they agree to the period of reflection but that it should start immediately and be for six months.

Your brother is embarrassing himself.

He can hire a babysitter for the weekend childcare like 99% of the rest of the world does.

He then said he was going to go no contact with them for a 4 month "period of reflection" on their relationship - but only after this weekend, when they've already agreed to do an overnight.

Pompous, ridiculous little man.

It reminds me of the title of that book:
"Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager".

Except he is behaving like a tantrumming 3 year old.

My oldest child is 17. My children have potentially 4 grandparents homes they can stay in (my mum, my dad, my ex’s mum and my ex’s Gran). In 17 years my mum had dd1 once because I was in hospital on life support and my ex needed to be with me, my dad had the two girls once as my son was in emergency surgery.
That’s it.
Your brother is a prick.

Another one who thinks your DB is being outrageous. He sounds controlling and a bully.

She doesn't want to do any form of childcare and I understand that and respect her choice. I'll never expect any help from her at all. But I won't forget it either. And will consider how much input I have with assisting her in her old age. (She's already hinted that she hopes to live with us in years to come..)

She raised your dh though presumably?

He’s being outrageously demanding. GP’s are not parents. They should be able to enjoy the kids and help if they chose to.

My in-laws have never had my kids ever. They see them every three months and normally they come to our house, drink tea and then leave. They live an hour from us and that’s there choice. The older kids aren’t interested in them.

My parents help where they can. But they do get very tired (early 70s). They tend to take the older two out as the youngest has autism and is very very challenging. But they have offered to have him at there house before.

It sounds like your parents do as much as they’re comfortable with. And everyone ages differently. My mum worries a lot and I think the kids not being her children she feels that added responsibility when looking after them.

Your brother is an abuser

And a truly horrible man 🤮

This really isn't any of your business but if you feel you must get involved then have a chat with SIL and see if she'll smooth things over with your parents

It's up to your parents how often they have the grandkids and no one should bully them into changing that - but if they are putting restrictions on the number of times simply because of your mums deafness - that seems odd

I think it's time for your DP to stand up to DB and point out who is doing whom the favour, starting with NOT doing this weekend until he apologises for his dreadful behaviour.

Unrelated but to counter balance the comments about useless older men and childcare I needed emergency childcare when dh and I got proper flu and we couldn’t look after dd1 then 8 months. My parents were travelling my in laws don’t help. So asked my aunt. She was busy but my uncle by marriage drove 2 hours took dd and I back to theirs and he did all the childcare for her alongside his own 2 pre schooler grandchildren. He was awesome. He had had a very senior job in the city so felt he had missed out when his own kids were young. Very quiet “proper” man on the floor making railways changing nappies etc