To expect a parent to pay for child's damage?!

[MissB83]

Context: I had a friend and her 2 year old for a play date this afternoon. Before either of us could stop her, her 2 year old grabbed my letter flap (inside) and forced it up, which snapped an internal mechanism so it no longer lies flush to the door my friend tried to explain it away that she fiddles with the door and didn't immediately realise that her child had broken it. However the kicker is that the door is brand new; it was replaced about a month ago at a cost of nearly £900! It looks wrong now but worse is letting in a significant draught into an already cold house.

I think the part can probably be replaced as it screws on and on but obviously this will be at a cost. My friend has been back to thank me for the play date but not mentioned the door. I am flat broke so cannot pay for the repair anyway but I don't feel I should have to, but I want to go in on the right foot before annoying my friend. AIBU to expect her to pay?

Good result.
She will be more mindful in the future.

Two year olds ruin shit. They just do. And everything is up for grabs if you have a couple of two year olds running around the house. You can't expect them to be gentle and mindful at that age.

Maybe not, but I do expect their parents to be mindful and watching their DC to prevent accidents and damage. And to pay if their child does break something.

The kicker here is the other parent's attitude:
"oh she does that to mine... " therefore OK. Erm, NO!

I remember toddler playdates at homes being utter nightmares.
At mine... one friend stood there while her son flicked my lights on, and off, and on, and off... after a bit when she clearly wan't going to stop him I said, "erm does he do that at home?" her response: "our light switches are higher up so no".
Right, before you come again I'll rewire the whole house then shall I??? (I think my actual reaction was to always go to her house in future).

Then another friend sat and watched her DD empty several DVD cases whilst I was making us a tea in the kitchen... her response to my frantic tidying up when I got back with teas was "oh, ours are on a shelf she can't reach". At HER house everything in reach was OK. No concept of boundaries! So... everything in reach at MY house must also be fair game. OK the child might not get that but surely the parent can???

If I went to someone else's house I was always so careful to make sure things didn't get touched that shouldn't get touched!
I kept my very valuables out of reach but also taught my children that not everything they could access was a toy for them to play with.

Hope you get the letterbox fixed... and don't carry a grudge! (Mind you these events were well over 10 years ago... we tended to go to other people more than they came to us!!!)

So it gets fixed - but if it's such a weak design it will break again - I have a mid door letterbox and frequently lift the flap almost vertical to pull newspapers through to avoid them being torn by the flap. Nonsense to suggest that is 'outside specification'

Door furniture is supposed to be rugged - they get heavy use. The components suggested from screwfix etc could not be damaged by a 2yr old.

She should offer to pay, and you should refuse. And then spend years quietly fuming about it. It's the British way! :)

I'd expect to pay if I had a child who damaged someone's property. Therefore, I'd expect the parents of a child who damaged my property to pay for the damage.

claim on your household insurance

I think for me it was about drawing a line, I don't want my friend to think I'm telling her how to parent in her own space but maybe if she has to pay for this it will let her think about how to approach things in other people's homes and be more attentive to what her child is doing?

Most of us would apologise profusely and offer to pay for the replacement but she hasn’t. I’d get a quote and let her know how much it was - along the lines of - oh I got a quote for repairing the door that your dc broke and it was ?£. She may then offer. If not decide whether it’s worth losing the friendship over and either a) ask outright for the money or b) look to claim on insurance or pay for it yourself and put it down to a life lesson.

If I was the friend I would be happy to pay for a replacement but I would come round and fit it myself. I wouldn’t pay the labour charge for something that is so easily replaced.

I would contact the company who fitted the door and say the letter box appears to be faulty and can they please send someone out to fix it.

Bending the truth slightly, but thats what I would do.

(Prepares to be told off by the next 30 mumsnetters!)

Well done on messaging.

If it was my child, I would pay too. She probably knows she should pay.

I would call door supplier and advise that they have obviously supplied you with a faulty item (leaving the two year old child out of it!) but YANBU what a crap friend!!

You’ll gain a letterbox and loose a double friend. Depends what you value most - I think it’s sad.

I wouldn't dream of asking a friend to pay for her 2 year old's damage. If it were my child that caused the damage I'd probably (very reluctantly) offer to pay but inwardly I would feel peeved if my offer was accepted.

If it was an older child I would feel differently

and if its a £900 door I would expect it to withstand the strength of a two year old's fingers - contact the manufacturer

Having worked in the windows, doors & conservatory trade, if something like that can be broken so easily by a 2 year old, it was either crap quality or faulty. It shouldn’t have broken so easily & not so soon. I would personally ring the door company you bought it from.

She should offer to pay cost and leave it up to you to say no.

You can provide her with a quote but be prepared for it to possibly cause a rift.

The fact that she hasnt offered says alot

If only a month old then I would contact the company as surely would still be under warranty and if I child has managed to damage it then what would a parcel do 🤷🏼‍♀️

Having said that, if my child had damaged something I would say I would pay

I have had that my son's friend came for a play date and broke something moderately priced through sheer stupidity it wasn't meant for a child and totally unexpected for a kid to do that, I mentioned it to his mum and she proudly said "That's my boy!"
My ex friends kids constantly ruin and break things and she thinks that is fine...she doesn't get invited anymore.
A woman at my son's school allowed her 14 year old to basically vandalize a barrier by standing therekicking it and said "at least it's not a person" whilst waiting for school pick up
People never cease to amaze or piss me off with their sense of disregard for others or their property.
Good luck getting her to admit responsibility ..

YANBU. She should have offered to pay when she realised it was damaged. Accidental or not, it's a given IMO.

This ^

Yes - it was an accident - the child is a baby, but most people would feel responsible for anything their child (or they themselves) accidentally broke, and would have offered to replace it.

I think it should have been more robust than this? I think you should go back to the company who sold it. A two year old wouldn’t exert much force?

some little destructive brat

I honestly find it hard to understand the mindset of someone who refers to a two year old in such unpleasant terms. It's barely more than a baby.

OP, personally, I'd just chalk it up an unfortunate accident. The two year obviously didn't mean to break it.

I remain of the view that the thing was probably defective, but I wouldn't expect the friend to pay, personally.

It's a world away from a five year old scrawling on walls or a ten year old breaking a window or something.

You know some extremely odd people, OJNZ

Just to say that this issue is resolved as I have asked for the money (a moderate sum but significant for me in my monthly budget) and she has paid it without making an issue, possibly she thinks I'm being a bit tight but we are close enough friends to know I'm skint (and she earns a lot more than I do), so it hopefully hasn't caused a problem. Phew!