To expect a parent to pay for child's damage?!

[MissB83]

Context: I had a friend and her 2 year old for a play date this afternoon. Before either of us could stop her, her 2 year old grabbed my letter flap (inside) and forced it up, which snapped an internal mechanism so it no longer lies flush to the door my friend tried to explain it away that she fiddles with the door and didn't immediately realise that her child had broken it. However the kicker is that the door is brand new; it was replaced about a month ago at a cost of nearly £900! It looks wrong now but worse is letting in a significant draught into an already cold house.

I think the part can probably be replaced as it screws on and on but obviously this will be at a cost. My friend has been back to thank me for the play date but not mentioned the door. I am flat broke so cannot pay for the repair anyway but I don't feel I should have to, but I want to go in on the right foot before annoying my friend. AIBU to expect her to pay?

Why don’t you just text the mum saying it’s £30 to fix the letter box that ‘child’s name’ broke. It’s not covered under warranty. Can you cover this please.

@MyDcAreMarvel it wasn't an accident though was it ? It was wilful damages by an unsupervised toddler. An accident is a child knocks something off a table, stumbles and grabs something etc.

That said, if it's as new as you say OP I'd try manufacturer's warranty

I don't know if my post wasn't clear or not but to clarify:
I didn't need to mention it at the time as my friend and I were both standing right next to the door. She actually saw her daughter do it and didn't stop her. The reason she gave was "she fiddles with our letter box I didn't think yours would break". So she saw her daughter do the damage

She may have seen it but what I mean by not mentioning it at time was asking for it to be fixed up. Now time has passed, in her head it would be "well it cant have been that bad, you didn't ask at time so can't be all my kids fault**
People can be shit, time is her out for not paying. Like a rational person knows it's their kids fault and they have to pay but some will take any out they can. Especially if she knew how much the door cost you. She could well assume it's an expensive fix so just stay quiet and let it blow over.

wouldnt ask her to pay and I would just keep the friendship.

I wouldn't and I wouldn't want a child like that in my house and even less so a parent who refuses to stop the child.

A friendship shouldn't leave you having to "fix your house" because of some little destructive brat.

Thanks all I have gone the way that @Sparkle567 suggested since clearly it isn't covered under warranty and tbh I'm sceptical why it should be. This did only happen yesterday afternoon so I'm not of the view that "time has passed and I didn't mention it" because I said at the time that it had broken and the door was new. I am actually quite worried about the damage that this particular child causes so I think it would be good to lay down a marker with mum as I don't want (and can't afford) to keep absorbing costs of repairing and replacing when it's just one child, we have lots of other kids here who have never broken anything.

@PhilCornwall1 you've exactly reflected my concerns, if someone doesn't want to stop their child causing damage that's fine but they have to accept that others might not feel that way about their home.

She should definitely pay.

YANBU. Of course a parent should pay for any damage that their child causes. But I find people these days just expect people to suck things up. A friend of mine borrowed a travel suitcase to go on holiday. It was fairly new, I'd only used it twice myself. Came back and she said the handle wouldn't extend properly so she couldn't trail it comfortable; no, because when I opened it up, the mechanism was badly bent out of shape. Now, it was probably caused by some airside baggage handler rather than her. But it happened on her watch, as it were. Had I borrowed it and it got damaged on my watch, I'd have paid for a new one.

Yanbu. She should pay.
Though both of you were standing there, it is a lesson for using your words ATM in the future. Don't do that toddler name it is not a toy. Some DM heads are in the clouds with toddlers, if you see it stop it.
It takes a village etc.
She should pay now it's done, you should have intervened earlier to prevent it too. Toddler's are feral.

@EmeraldShamrock I agree that's a lesson for me to think about how to manage these situations. I can be a bit slow to assert myself with this friend because she's very argumentative and a bit bossy, whilst I don't like confrontation, and funnily enough the same dynamic seems to be presenting itself between my son and her daughter... (the daughter bosses my son around). If you try to intervene to stop her daughter doing something she takes it very personally as a comment on her parenting skills so I try not to do that out of sensitivity but obviously that's far from ideal if the child is damaging things and her mum isn't stopping her.

Only on Mumsnet can the OP be at fault here for having a £900 door Some people are batshit. And not even nicely either, so bloody aggressive!

YANBU OP, if a child damaged something the parent should offer to pay to put things right.

900 quid is not expensive for getting a door installed. It’s at the budget end of the scale.

Stuff happens. Accidents happen. If someone wasn't deliberately vandalising something, then it is just accepted as being part of life.

Indeed BackforGood. But presumably if someone accidentally drove into your car and damaged it, you wouldn't expect them to pay for it or claim it on their insurance and would just pay for it yourself? Or is there a financial point where a line is crossed?

If you try to intervene to stop her daughter doing something she takes it very personally as a comment on her parenting skills Oh she is one of them. Stand firm ask her to pay and no more invites. She'll eventually realise fawning over PFB won't sit well with other parents.

Just text her, “Hi, I’ve had a quote of 30 pounds to fix the letter box. My bank details are xxx, please can you send the money this week. Thanks!!”

Honestly, if she takes offense and dumps you as a friend, I don’t think that’s a bad thing!

Oh she is one of them.

Yep, what I refer to as a "love me, love my child" person.

Our door had a guarentee so maybe you can say it broke when pulling through some letters and there could have been a fault with it?

Our door had a guarentee so maybe you can say it broke when pulling through some letters and there could have been a fault with it?

No, the OP is a very honest one and told them exactly what happened.

Might be worth contacting installer/ manufacturer as it might be under warranty, or house Insurance, but doesn't sound like an expensive fix so may not be worth claiming. I do understand your frustration, how close is your friendship? if you feel strongly about it could you casually bring it up in conversation saying oh I had a quote to fix letterbox the other day and its going to cost x, totally skint atm so it will have to wait and see what she says? She might offer. personally I wouldn't ask for friend to pay for it - it was was an accident and sometimes you do have to suck it up.

BigChocFrenzy on the whole I agree with you about parents taking responsibility but I disagree with regards to the expensive Chinese vase scenario. The householder does bear responsibility for providing a suitable space for a children's party. It would be reasonable to expect the possibility that a precious vase would be broken by 20 x 5 year olds at a party. It is reasonable for the parents of the 5 year olds to expect that they children will not be hosted in a room containing precious Ming dynasty ceramics. If an accident is a foreseeable event then it is the responsibility of the hosts to make sure they are providing a suitable environment for a children's party.

Bit of a change there OP. Initially you said the mother didn't realise it was broken and only said she fiddles with letter boxes
Now it changed to the mother knowing it was broken. Which is it?

Two year olds ruin shit. They just do. And everything is up for grabs if you have a couple of two year olds running around the house. You can't expect them to be gentle and mindful at that age.

I had a 9 year old drop paint all over my wooden floors last year. The only option I have now is to sand the floor down and polish because no other solution to remove the paint has worked. Of course I'm not going to ask her parents to pay. Houses, we live in them and things happen.

@SentimentalKiller a few posters said that it was unfair if the mother didn't see it was broken at the time. I was clarifying that a) she saw her child fiddling with it and b) I then immediately showed her that her child had broken it by fiddling with it. She explained that her daughter fiddles with theirs the same way at home and hasn't broken it and there wasn't much I could say to that!

Happily I grew a pair of balls and sent a text to her and she has said she will pay so job done and I won't have to lose a 25 year friendship. Thanks all.

@MissB83 nice one! Not the balls, you really don't want them but at least she is coughing up.

Good result!