To hope she dies?

[soulasylum]

OK this is going to sound awful and I'm expecting some of you to condemn me for this.

My nan has been in a care home for the past 18 months. Dementia has taken hold - she is a shell of the woman she once was. Multiple heart attacks, struck down with pneumonia last year, and still she pulls through.

Now this woman is a huge part of my life. I love her dearly and cherish her. She was a second mum to me growing up. She was clean, tidy, intelligent. Survived WW2 and her husband dying young. An incredible, strong woman all around.

To see her like this it's...heartbreaking.

I want her to fall asleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. I want her to be at peace. I want her to be free, from medication and the care home and the fear of another heart attack or bout of illness.

I sound heartless, I know I do. Please tell me there are others of you out there, who have been through this and can understand my feelings.

It's an awful time.

Oh god, I literally feel exactly the same about my Nanny. I can barely stand to visit her as she doesn’t know who I am, she thinks my wonderful grandad has just left her behind (when he died two years ago) and that I’m still a child and I’m now my mum. It’s so very painful and I just miss her so so much! I too just want her to be at peace- she doesn’t even look like my nanny anymore. God I’m crying now- it’s so horrid and hard and I fucking hate it

Seeing a loved one suffer so much must be heartbreaking. I can understand your wish for you nan to be at peace. 💐

Baby I have actually told my mum that if she stops knowing who I am, I won't be visiting. yes, we do have depressing discussions!

I really want to give you a big hug if you want one.

To be fair theres nothing worst than watching someone dying slowly its awful, awful to watch them suffering, I know when I was in your position I wanted them to die because they were in pain and suffering and also that I could not cope seeing them like that.

Yanbu.

My friend and I were saying just the other that a time needs to come when pain relief is offered and our elderly people are allowed to slip away. It's cruel keeping people living a none life.

If I ever got to the stage where I'm sat in my own waste, with no clue who I am (( or even worse, fully aware but trapped)) and coming down spoon-fed purees then I'd honestly hope to be switched off.

My mum died last year from dementia. You are already grieving for the person that they were you then need to grieve all over again when they actually die. It is a horrifically cruel illness.
I miss my mum dreadfully and yes I do miss being able to see her even in her last months but mostly I miss my mum before the diagnosis. But I lost her a long time before her actual death.

My mother is 97. She's been in a care home due to dementia for a little over 6 years. She hasn't known us for at least the last 3. She isn't particularly happy, but she's not unhappy, either. She's not aware enough for either emotion. She's simply 'existing'. It's devastating because she was always such an alive, vital, curious and loving woman who enjoyed life to the fullest. She'd hate it if she knew what her life had become.

It's hard for me to say "I hope she dies" in those exact words. But I certainly hope her times comes soon.

I literally sat and prayed for both my mum and dad to die near the end of their lives. They both suffered with cancer and it was horrendous. I was 21 years old and they passed within 6 months of eachother.

I loved them both so so much, losing them has destroyed my life. That's why I wanted them to pass quickly and peacefully. It's not heartless at all op.

OP, you do not sound awful. You are absolutely not being unreasonable, and I completely get that what you are saying comes from a place of love.

My Mum spent the last 18 months of her life in a care home. She did not have dementia - at least, not until the very end, and she still had lucid periods - but my Dad, her husband and the only man she had ever loved, had died 20 years before, and all she had ever wanted since then was to be with him. As her body got more frail and her world got smaller, her desire to have this happen got stronger. After two strokes she was bedridden, doubly incontinent, deaf, practically blind, and refused anything that might have made her existence a little more bearable. Visiting her was so sad. She would just cry and say that she didn't understand why she was still here.

In the end the care staff had to make sure she didn't have access to medication, nail scissors, nail files or indeed anything sharp, and even had to take her call button away from her because she tried to strangle herself with the cord.

Every day, every time the phone rang, I hoped this would be it. If I could have legally helped her on her way I would have done. As PPs have mentioned, we wouldn't allow a pet to suffer like it.

It was such an immense relief when she died in her sleep. I hope she's with Dad.

I totally understand, my lovely MIL was in awful torment during the last year of her life because of dementia, it was awful to see her like that and it was a relief when she died.
My own mother has now been diagnosed with it and my dad is struggling with her even though she is in the earlier stages.

Haven't read the whole thread but you are definitely not alone in having these thoughts and it's your love of your nan that makes you feel like this.

My mum's mum was riddled with dementia and it was a relief when she slipped away from pneumonia. As with your man, she was she'll of her former self.

My dad's mum was 94, mentally sharp as a tac but physically weak. She hated it and then had quite a long drawn out end. Again, I was heartbroken to have lost both nans but neither had a quality of life at the end.

You don't sound heartless, quite the opposite in fact, your post is full of love for your nan. Dementia is evil, it is the cruelest disease in my opinion, noone deserves to go through it on either side.

Sending hugs.

Totally understandable and normal reaction op 🌸

I clicked the YABU by accident, so sorry I. You sound like a lovely caring person, sorry for what you are going through, xx

Haven't rtft, so sorry if this has already been mentioned.

Does your nan have a treatment escalation plan (TEP), if not then you should try and get one, the GP would know what one is and the local health board should have a community lead. This can state what treatment she should or shouldn't have and when (if at all) she should be removed from her nursing home to hospital, they are quite specific for eg it might say that she is not to have antibiotics should she get another infection or only oral not iv antibiotics.

Also, if you or another family member have lasting power of attorney for health the person with LPA can already make these decision on behalf of your nan, although I understand how hard this can be at the time.

Also if you haven't already, get a DNA CPR in place asap, for your nans dignity.

It's difficult to see the Greatest Generation suffer so. My parents were as tough as nails, also lived through WW2, never asked anybody for anything and it was heartbreaking.....

My Nan was exactly the same. It was heartbreaking but a relief when she did eventually passed away. 💔 I was with her when she did and as awful and sad as it was I was happy her body had stopped fighting and she could finally be at peace. Xx

Yes, I’ve been there. My mum had dementia too and she disappeared by inches, physically and mentally. Watching her become less and less herself broke my heart. I desperately wanted her suffering to end. I understand completely. I hope your nan’s ordeal comes to an end soon - for her and you. 💐

YANBU, my gran was very poorly for 7 years, and many times I wished she would let go, stop being the stubborn, strong willed woman she was and just let go. She passed away last year and as heartbroken as I was, I was massively relieved. Its unbelievably difficult to watch somebody you love struggle and deteriorate to somebody you don't realise anymore.

A relative is in this situation atm and no, YANBU at all. It's an awful, horrible disease. Hoping for some peace for all of you including her

Dear OP, wishing for a peaceful end for your loved ones is absolutely a sign of your love and caring. A dear friend of mine passed recently and one small crumb of comfort we have is that his suffering - and his chronic illness meant he truly suffered - was at last at an end. 💐 Wishing you love and strength and a swift, gentle passing for your beloved nan.

Yadnbu
My gran had dementia and died last year. After having the illness for a bout 10 years.

It was like there was sigh of relief in the family and I wasn't even that upset because I knew she was at peace now. I know that sounds harsh and I do have a little cry if I see something that she would have liked or reminds me of her. But to see her suffering and to go downhill as she did I knew it was for the best.

My dm said that sometimes you just think it would be best for her to die of a heart of attack so that you know she's not suffering anymore

Anyway massive unmumsnetty hugs as I know what you're going through is v tough----

You're not heartless at all, I was a nurse for 25 years and I want euthanasia when I get to that stage. Why the hell should I end my life incontinent and confused. i can't work in nursing homes any more they make me seriously depressed.
You just want the best for your nan and a lovely peaceful death is something we'd all like at the end.

Went through this last year with my nan. It was awful but I felt the same as you. Various things made her sicker and sicker and the last few weeks were nearly unbearable. I hope she's in a better place now but she's not in pain anymore and that's the main thing.