To hope she dies?

[soulasylum]

OK this is going to sound awful and I'm expecting some of you to condemn me for this.

My nan has been in a care home for the past 18 months. Dementia has taken hold - she is a shell of the woman she once was. Multiple heart attacks, struck down with pneumonia last year, and still she pulls through.

Now this woman is a huge part of my life. I love her dearly and cherish her. She was a second mum to me growing up. She was clean, tidy, intelligent. Survived WW2 and her husband dying young. An incredible, strong woman all around.

To see her like this it's...heartbreaking.

I want her to fall asleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. I want her to be at peace. I want her to be free, from medication and the care home and the fear of another heart attack or bout of illness.

I sound heartless, I know I do. Please tell me there are others of you out there, who have been through this and can understand my feelings.

It's an awful time.

100% unanimous (and 1 YABU in error). It's awful to watch loved ones suffer like this. My DM died recently aged 92. I was relieved to say goodbye as she was suffering so much. I'm a member of Dignity in Dying and have filled in an Advance Directive for myself; I agree it's cruel the way life is prolonged when there is no quality of life. I'll send D in D a link to this thread, although I think the option to refuse antibiotics is more palatable than actual euthanasia.

It’s a completely understandable feeling to have OP, but you will miss her no less when she does go. I’m sorry for her pain and your loss, stay strong. 💐

You’re not heartless. My mum died suddenly in October last year. It was a shock however, she didn’t linger and deteriorate slowly. My uncle, who brought me up and was my father in all but name, is 91. He is in hospital and is not expected to recover. I want him to be able to come home to family and die peacefully. It’s what he wants too. The watching him go through pneumonia and fighting other infections is horrendous.

My heart goes out to you OP

Dementia is horrible you lose the person twice, when my nan died after a slow drawn out dementia it was a relief to us all she was tormented.

My grandmother died suddenly, before she was 70. It was a horrible shock and devastating.

My mum is a similar age and has dementia. She is physically v fit. She has always said she'd prefer to go like her mother, but we've got years of a slow decline ahead. I just hope j she has a heart attack before it really takes hold. I'm also.hoping there will be someway to end it if it happens to me.

You are not heartless at all. You wish for a peaceful death for your Nan. I completely understand where you are coming from. It's so hard to watch someone suffering like that. I hope your Nan has a peaceful sleep 💐

No - it was bad enough seeing my late grandfather become more frail and unable to travel, unable to commit to going out anywhere etc, and his health was better than some. I honestly thought that I didn't want him to go on like that for years and years (in the end cancer took him in about 6 months and fortunately it only became uncomfortable for his final two weeks) - and dementia is so much worse than that.

You are not being heartless. My grandma's last few days were spent screaming in pain from cancer, shouting 'please let me die'. We watched my lovely MIL decline with dementia, hearbreaking, I really feel the pain you are experiencing.

I'm another one saying you are not heartless or cruel, this is completely understandable. I have been through this myself and my mother died a couple of years ago.

She had dementia, it is an awful condition. We tried to care but in the end she had to go into a home as she was lost, confused, a shadow of herself....we couldn't provide 24 hour round the clock care ourselves. She was in the home for some years before she finally faded away; of course I was upset but relieved she was at peace at last.

Thinking of you, it's so hard to go through this, don't be too hard on yourself....

Dementia is such a hideous disease. As others have said, it was a relief when my gran died. It got to the point that she was terrified of her own reflection as she didn't recognise herself.

My Mum had Alzheimer's disease and her last few years of life were miserable. My first emotion when she died was relief. Obviously I didn't want things to be that way and I still miss her every day. Over a decade on I still occasionally find myself picking up the phone to call her and then remembering that I can't.

But she was suffering terribly, both physically and mentally. The family were all in agreement that we didn't want things to be prolonged so we declined hospital admission and her doctor agreed a community DNAR so that her death could be as peaceful as possible.
I felt guilty for being relieved but less so once my siblings admitted that they all felt the same. We would have wanted her to be alive forever if she had remained happy and healthy, but to see someone you love and who was fiercely independent and incredibly intelligent become the way she was at the end is truly horrific. We wanted it to end, both for her, and to be brutally honest, for ourselves too.
Sadly, I have probably seen my own future, as every woman in my mum's family for the last 3 generations has developed dementia. Unless there are significant scientific breakthroughs in the next couple of decades, or we are very lucky, it seems likely that my sister and I have the same fate awaiting us. I will be making it clear to my children that I don't want them to strive to keep me alive when my quality of life has gone, and that if they feel relieved when I die that that is a normal and completely understandable reaction. I wouldn't want to suffer any longer than necessary, or for them to have to.
There is nothing at all wrong, abnormal or uncaring about wanting to see your loved one at peace. Be kind to yourself OP. I hope your grandmother's death is as peaceful and gentle as it can be when the time comes.

She will eventually. I felt like this about my mum op. And then felt guilty I had thought it. All I can say is it was still a huge shock when she did pass. When you lose someone to dementia, in my experience, you are not really able to grieve the person lost to the illness but you can be many years with only the she'll of that person left with odd moments of clarity when they come back to you. It's heartbreaking. My mum kept recovering when I thought there was no hope so it was doubly shocking when she actually left as I thought we had weeks left. I'm so sorry for you and your family. Try to be there as much as you can as I think regret when someone has passed is a terrible thing.

There are some great Facebook support groups and I found those very helpful.

You don't sound heartless, I hope I have family that would rather me be at peace should dementia take hold and I have little quality of life. You sound like you love your Nan and just want what's best for her x

My beloved granny passed away 5 years ago. She had dementia and died from stroke complications. She was ready and so were we. I felt nothing but relief when she died. I know how you feel op.

My mum died in April through dementia, she was 69. It's a horrid horrid thing to happen, she wasn't 'her' any longer, just wearing a Mum suit. She had falls, broken bones, episodes and just got sicker and sicker until she was just a shell on a bed, unable to move, feed, drink herself. It was a relief when she went. I can now remember her as she was.

Both of my grandparents had dementia and when they died it really was a relief... that you didn't have to worry any more..that you wouldn't get a call in the middle of the night that they'd gone for a wander..had a fall etc. When they have dementia, you really do grieve for them when they're still alive. It's normal to feel like this. It's natural to want someone you love to be at peace. it will be painful when it happens, and you might feel guilty, but you will be relieved as well

You love this special woman and more than anything in the world you want her to be ok. There’s only one way out of her suffering and you want her to take it. It would take a cold, cold heart to condemn you for this

@MAFIL and anyone else who doesn't want to suffer the way our relatives have suffered; please have a look at this:
compassionindying.org.uk/making-decisions-and-planning-your-care/planning-ahead/advance-decision-living-will/

I totally understand what you are saying, I’ve told my kids that if I ever get to this stage to put a pillow over my face (not that they wouldn’t) I’d hate for my life to be like that. Sending you love and hugs OP X

I'm lost for words at all your support.

Thank you. I've read each and every one of your comments and they all mean so much. You are all amazing

So sorry your family is going through this OP. Of course you aren't heartless. You want her suffering to be over, and since there is no cure for her illness, the only way it can happen is death.

People with dementia are lost to us, who remember the people that they were, but that doesnt mean they are suffering themselves.

If only this were the case! Dementia sufferers sometimes go through a "pleasantly confused" stage, but it doesn't last. Unfortunately they are usually extremely terrified and angry, trapped in a world they don't understand, as well as in pain as their body breaks down.

So sorry to hear that. I think your feelings show that you love her.

I felt relief when my dear Gran passed away. She had had dementia for years.

Take care x

I cared for my father at home until he died from Alzheimer’s.

He was never, ever, ever a ‘shell’.

He was my beautiful father with a neurodegenerative disease.

I've just lost my DM. She had advanced dementia and had become very dependent. It was very hard to watch her decline, but I reasoned that as long as she had the will to live, it wasn't for me to wish her life away. I'm not religious so for me this life is all you get.

Somewhere inside your nan is a life force. At some point she will choose to let go.