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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope she dies?

278 replies

soulasylum · 12/01/2020 17:03

OK this is going to sound awful and I'm expecting some of you to condemn me for this.

My nan has been in a care home for the past 18 months. Dementia has taken hold - she is a shell of the woman she once was. Multiple heart attacks, struck down with pneumonia last year, and still she pulls through.

Now this woman is a huge part of my life. I love her dearly and cherish her. She was a second mum to me growing up. She was clean, tidy, intelligent. Survived WW2 and her husband dying young. An incredible, strong woman all around.

To see her like this it's...heartbreaking.

I want her to fall asleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. I want her to be at peace. I want her to be free, from medication and the care home and the fear of another heart attack or bout of illness.

I sound heartless, I know I do. Please tell me there are others of you out there, who have been through this and can understand my feelings.

It's an awful time.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 12/01/2020 19:06

What you are feeling is compassion, don't beat yourself up. I was relieved when my mum died, she was only 60, but ravaged with cancer. I was relieved when my nan died after a very very very long battle with Alzheimers. She was in a pitiful state. I could have punched the air when she got MRSI because ultimately that did the job. I just wish it had been sooner. I am now facing this with my own dad. A brilliant, clever, funny man, astonishing financial brain, and I want him to just die in his sleep before the fucking Alzheimers overtakes him. It astounds me what we allow our fellow humans to suffer. How you feel is perfectly OK OP, to watch somebody fade like that is incredibly hard. I wish your beloved nan a peaceful passing Flowers

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 12/01/2020 19:06

So sad, OP. It's a horrible disease, both for those who have it and for those who witness it.

My dear mummy was only ill in hospital for one week before she died. I miss her so much every day, even though it was 12 years ago. I know it's so hard, but try to remember her as she was - full of life and fun.

SingingBabooshkaBadly · 12/01/2020 19:09

People with dementia are lost to us, who remember the people that they were, but that doesnt mean they are suffering themselves.

Hazell42 I know you are trying to be kind but this really isn’t the case in most instances of dementia. Dementia is not just forgetting things whilst being quite contented. Most people are suffering. They aren’t living in some happy dream-like state. If this is your experience you - and your loved one - has been lucky indeed.

soulasylum my heart goes out to you and all the PPs who are watching someone they love suffer this terrible illness. Flowers My darling father had both Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. It was utterly heartbreaking seeing and hearing him suffer so - I will never be able to forget it. I loved him very much but it was a relief when he passed away.

You are not being unreasonable, far from it, and anyone who suggests otherwise cannot possibly have experienced what you are going through.

Wishing you strength and wishing your grandmother peace and an end to her suffering.

Naillig222 · 12/01/2020 19:11

That's not heartless, that's love.

namechangenewness · 12/01/2020 19:11

My grandmother died recently just shy of 96. It was relief, she wasn't there anymore, just her body.

IHateUserName · 12/01/2020 19:12

I don't think you would be feeling this way, both wanting her to die and feeling so guilt-ridden for that, if you weren't compassionate and didn't love her so much. It's because you love her so much you want her suffering to end, and why it's so agonizing for you too. Please be kind to yourself and know you are not alone. Flowers

Fuzzyhair89 · 12/01/2020 19:16

Totally get you. I did home care. It's not a nice existence for them. Out of love I'm sure anyone feels if they can't be themsleves anymore they deserve peace. It's a cruel disease. It's awful to witness. They loose dignity. It's kind of like going back to basics again. But they dont truly have the joy of a young child anymore. They just can't remember how to function as the used too. I hope your loved one is at peace soon xxx

Davincitoad · 12/01/2020 19:18

I felt the same when my nana was near the end with mesothelioma. She begged me at one stage to end it for her. I willed her to have a peaceful end in her sleep. And I know that’s what she wanted to. Thought with you x

kateandme · 12/01/2020 19:20

im really sorry your feeling this way op?
your not heartless.you love someone so much you want them to be at peace.thats never a bad thing.
when you love smoeone it makes any emotion more raw.and on top of that youve got the memories of who she was mixed in with what your seeing now.so youve got so many mixed emotions flying around your bound to feel up in the air and all over the place.
when a feeling comes try and name it.and just allow it.let it sit for a little while.dont try to fight it or panic or try to condem yourself for having it.put your hand to your heart and think "its ok to feel this way and i can sit with this whilst it happens"
by judging yourself and hating on yourself for feeling like you do, your hitting yourself with a second arrow of pain you dont need right now.

SaintGarbo · 12/01/2020 19:20

My dad has dementia. He is not too bad as yet but I can already see him becoming the shell he once was. He would hate to become so Ill that he was being cared for. I know this, we have spoken about this many times (over the years) and if euthanasia was legal in this country I'd have no qualms about putting him to sleep over the coming months / years.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 12/01/2020 19:21

No Op YANBU at all , in any way .

AlaskaElfForGin · 12/01/2020 19:24

YANBU OP. Sad

When my lovely mum was dying and in the most awful pain, I hoped she would go. I prayed that she would, so that the pain would end for her. I was bereft and relieved when she eventually died.

TravellingSpoon · 12/01/2020 19:26

YANBU at all OP.

I work in Dementia care, a lot of our residents are end of life and yet some of them can be with us for several months. Many are scared, upset and confused and it can be heartbreaking for families, and for the resident.

I hope your Nan and you both have peace soon

CmdrCressidaDuck · 12/01/2020 19:28

I understand how you feel completely.

While my grandmother could still speak she begged us to end her life. I still feel that if I'd had any guts I'd have helped her.

Death is a kindness more often than we would like to think.

Iwant2move · 12/01/2020 19:29

No, you are not heartless. My Mum has dementia, She is in her own happy bubble at the moment, but I hope she has a heart attack or similar before she progresses to the stage where she is looking for her parents, or, God forbid, is struggling with swallowing. I don't want to see her suffer.

SirGawain · 12/01/2020 19:29

It's just I need clarification that I'm not a heartless monster and there are others who have felt like this.
You are certainly not heartless. It's because you care so deeply for her that you don't want to see her suffering. You too are in pain at the suffering which she feels, that's the price we pay for love.

Littlemeadow123 · 12/01/2020 19:30

I lost my grandmother a few years back. She was a shell of her former self, was once extremely independent but was reduced to relying on others for everyone. It was a mercy when she died.

Ferretyone · 12/01/2020 19:31

@soulasylum

Please do not feel that your thoughts are wrong. The difficulty is that the carers must try at all costs to maintain her.

There is an organisation called "Dignity in Dying" which campaigns for a better end for us all.

billybagpuss · 12/01/2020 19:31

In order to truly value life I strongly believe we should respect death.

My gran died the day my dd was born, she stopped taking her medication a week earlier and actually said to my uncle who she was staying with at the time she didn’t realise it would take this long to die, it was heartbreaking 💐for you both and may you both find peace

sarahjaneg · 12/01/2020 19:34

Im a carer, you dont sound heartless at all, seeing the heartache families go through is one of the hardest parts of my job...
Sending you lots of love xx

jessycake · 12/01/2020 19:36

My mum is the same and I feel like you , just lays in bed never speaks to us and never looks happy .

flirtygirl · 12/01/2020 19:38

Op you have nothing to be ashamed about and you are being very compassionate.

I helped nurse my gran as a teenager then my grandfather 10 years later. In the years since, I have seen so many go with dementia.

I truly will take a bus ride to some cliffs and say goodbye when I'm still lucid, if that happens to me. I have never believed in the prolonging of life at all costs and I think that it's a sad indictment of modern life.

HopelessLayout · 12/01/2020 19:38

On a practical note, does your nan have an end of life plan?
It could specify for example, that she does not want to be rescusitated if she dies naturally. It's called a DNR. If she does not have one, paramedics and hospital staff would be obligated to try to resicutate her if her heart stops.
So many people overlook these things as they don't like to talk about it.

HopelessLayout · 12/01/2020 19:41

However, you might feel better if you rephrase it as "To hope that she is at peace soon".

I hate all these evasive ways of saying the same thing, particularly "passed".

What's wrong with saying someone died or is dying? It's a natural process.

HopelessLayout · 12/01/2020 19:42

Also, can everyone please join or support the Campaign for Dignity in Dying, so that if you or I find ourselves in the awful situation of losing our minds to dementia we can specify the time and manner of our own death and be helped to do so.

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