To hope she dies?

[soulasylum]

OK this is going to sound awful and I'm expecting some of you to condemn me for this.

My nan has been in a care home for the past 18 months. Dementia has taken hold - she is a shell of the woman she once was. Multiple heart attacks, struck down with pneumonia last year, and still she pulls through.

Now this woman is a huge part of my life. I love her dearly and cherish her. She was a second mum to me growing up. She was clean, tidy, intelligent. Survived WW2 and her husband dying young. An incredible, strong woman all around.

To see her like this it's...heartbreaking.

I want her to fall asleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. I want her to be at peace. I want her to be free, from medication and the care home and the fear of another heart attack or bout of illness.

I sound heartless, I know I do. Please tell me there are others of you out there, who have been through this and can understand my feelings.

It's an awful time.

You're not heartless at all, OP.

I loved my Dad with all my heart. He suffered from dementia and the strong, intelligent, charismatic man he once was gradually faded and disappeared. We discovered he had cancer and he was taken from us quite quickly after diagnosis. I was happy that he'd been spared any further indignity.

Not heartless at all.

It is you who cannot bear this, not your nan
She is bearing this fine.

How can you know this? Many demented people are in constant distress, locked in a world they can't understand.

I am glad my mother had such a good death, with her daughters around her, one week after her diagnosis with leucemie.

You’re not heartless and no one reasonable would condemn you for thinking like this, none of us would want or choose to end up in the position your nan is in, and there’s no point being alive for the sake of being alive.

Had you come on here and said she was in perfect health and you wanted her to die so you could get your hands on her post office book because you fancy a new kitchen then you’d be being heartless!

OP I went through this with my father. His death was a blessed release, and I was glad of it for him (and also for us).

Oh @StrangeLookingParasite how right are you! My mother went three days after contracting pneumonia, her life had started to upset her and it was like she willed it to happen,

Not sure who posted about the patient not wanting it to happen but they've no idea.

So many people feel like this, though would never admit it in person. My Nan was like yours, she was incredible - pretty much lead our whole family and held us all together, so strong and so funny. She nursed my Grandad through a stroke for TEN years! The whole of her 70's. No way would he have survived that long if he hadn't had her caring for him so strictly.

It seemed as soon as he died, she got dementia and was hitting us all and swearing at us, trying to scratch and bite anyone who tried to help her.

When she died we all felt like "At least she can finally get the rest she deserves". You finally get to grieve properly, and not feel guilty for grieving for them whilst they're alive. Nobody could help her and it was very lucky that she/we only suffered a year of it. I know some people/families suffer much longer. I honestly can't think of many worse situations to be in. It is hell.

My nan has dementia, she's still fairly early on in it but its destroyed who she is and the anxiety she lives with every day is no way to live. Part of me just thinks she has no real life, she cant do anything she used to do and she hallucinate noises which rules her life as she is on constant mega anxiety alert all the time. I know when she is further along I'll be the same as you are OP.

My heart is breaking for you and can totally empathise due to my own family situation x

I feel for you OP. My nan was the same, existing not living. At the end she couldn't eat properly as her body had literally forgotten how to chew and swallow food. I loved her very much but her death was a release. x

This may sound harsh, and I don't mean it to be.
It is you who cannot bear this, not your nan
She is bearing this fine.
Watching someone we love die a.slow death is horrible, but that is the last gift we can give them.
Take.comfort from she fact that she is not aware

How do you know? There are many,many people with dementia who spend much of their time in distress. My Grandmother certainly did. She suffered terribly and repeatedly begged to die. I've worked in care and in my experience those with dementia who are content and unaware are very much in the minority. I've seen people literally screaming over and over because of what they're suffering and another who would constantly repeat Let me die. Some are so far gone that they're unable to communicate what they feel.

It's one of the worst conditions imho. It was a relief for everyone but most of all my Grandmother when she died and was released from her suffering, even though we miss her terribly. The sense of peace when she passed was indescribable.

Not heartless at all, you sound lovely. I felt similar during the last few months of my Grandma's life.

And this is EXACTLY how I felt just before my Dad died.
He died of cancer 4 years ago and the torment I had of wanting him to die whilst loving him so much was awful. But bollocks, as you say it's because they are the shadow of who they were so I think it's a natural reaction.
I just want to give you a massive hug and tell you how much I understand this!
Much, much, much love to you.

Nothing unreasonable about this, OP.

My intelligent, capable, independent mother had dementia. She became fearful and needy. She was in a constant state of anxiety. Every day, we had a phone conversation (she lived 150 miles away) where I explained why she didn't need to worry about whatever it was that day, only to have the exact same conversation the following day.

When we went to the doctor to get the papers signed so I had power of attorney, the doctor told her she was physically very fit and could last another 20 years. I'm ashamed to say my heart sank.

Thankfully, she died suddenly of something unconnected less than 6 months later. My (considerable) grief was tempered with relief.

I felt like I'd lost her twice over. I lost the woman she'd been long before she actually died.

It's the most awful bloody thing. If DP dies before me, my entire estate is going to the Alzheimers Society.

I cans understand how you feel, and it is exactly how I would feel.and think in the same sad situation that you are now experiencing. I have myself seen the suffering, of two very elderly close family members some years ago, and the same as you, have wanted them to just fall asleep peacefully.and quickly.

It's not wrong,or horrible to think as you do, it's a kindly human way,to hope that someone does not have to suffer any more.

You don't sound heartless at all. Yoir Nan sounds a wonderful woman and shouldn't suffer. I hope she has a peaceful passing.

I've kind of been there

I feel for you so much. You are not a bad person. In fact, having come out the other side, I think it's a better person who wishes for this!

for you and your Nan.

I get this. With dementia it’s as though you’ve lost that person already, or the person they were - that’s how it felt with my gran. It’s a heartbreaking disease.

Dementia is truly horrendous, I willed my dad to die when he got sepsis. He was in a care home due to dementia and a shell of himself. Anyone on here that suggests that the person isnt suffering or doesnt know is being naive. My dad was very distressed when his memory was going, I visited him and his front door was wide open and he was standing in the dark terrified. He did die and I was relieved for him. I have worked with people with dementia and it was tragic seeing them not remembering there family and then trying to get out of the ward to go and pick there kids up from school....always in a heightened state of anxiety.... so OP I completely understand and agree with you

I don't think you are at all heartless. I fully understand where you are coming from.

I remember my paternal grandmother after a series of chain strokes had damaged her brain so much that she was more or less a vegetable living in a hospital bed unable to move, speak or do anything for herself. It was horrific.

A few years later we witnessed DH's grandmother with advancing Alzheimer's Disease. Again, horrific. She was barely even a shell of her former self and stopped being able to recognise anyone, family or otherwise, years before she died.

In later years both of DH's parents died from different terminal and long term illnesses. Dreadful to see what they went through too, even though it wasn't dementia related.

I work in dementia services, all I can say is that it is no way to live and I hope to god it does not happen to me.

I'm a great believer in assisted suicide. It would not result in more people dying, but less people suffering.

You sound like a wonderful granddaughter who does not want to see a loved family member suffer anymore.

YADNBU. I have been nursing nearly thirty years and think modern medicine keeps far too many people living too long. We just don't seem to want to let people die anymore. The ramifications of this socially, emotionally and financially on society and families is devastating.
Dementia is particularly awful.

Dementia has completely changed my gran, the woman she was has been gone for around three years. She cries and says she wants to die with the pain from her arthritis and now cancer. She was given a few weeks to live at the start of 2019. This year has been unbearably tough for my aunts and uncles and I can't stand how hard this is for them. My sympathy .
The old her condemned euthanasia until she saw her mother go through loss of mobility and personality through stroke. It changed her view watching something less complete than this to being a campaigner for a dignIfied end to some conditions. I am glad she doesn't even know how ill she is.

It’s not heartlessness, it’s compassion. It’s clear that you love her dearly and it’s only natural that you want her suffering to end