AIBU to drop friend' caught fibbing.

[othervoicesotherrooms]

Friend (A) of many years has been caring for one of her parents & has understandably found it harder to meet up or be in contact regularly. Or so I thought.

I let her know that I was free to meet up if she had any time off : coffee, lunch, cinema whatever but accepted that she was busy.
Didn't see friend (A) at all over Christmas or new year.

I have just found out from another friend (B) that (A) has actually been out and about many times with a group of women (B) socialises with.

(Friend (A ) doesn't know that I know friend B)

(A) has just messaged me to ask if I'd like to meet up as 'she could do with a break from the relentlessness' (of looking after her parent). She said she is sorry it's been so long but she hasn't had a minute to herself over Xmas/new year.

I'm tempted to ignore. WIBU? WWYD?

YABVU don't be THAT person

Is her name Sarah by any chance? I've had a friend like this and I'm afraid you are the emotional dustbin OP 😐

Definitely advise sending her a text asking why she felt she needed to lie about what she'd been up to when you wouldn't ever have cared either way?

Declined what OP? I’m really struggling to see what, other than not mentioning a few social occasions this woman has done that’s such a bad thing.

@Wavey123 @redwinefine RTFT!!!

Oh and Wavey read OP's last few posts! She's declined an invitation out for her own reasons!

You say you have been friends for many years, then ask her about it before you judge her.

I think some people are completely missing the point of your original post OP.

It’s quite clear that you’re not jealous of her having other friends or going out etc, it’s the fact that it seems very much like she lied to you about it by saying she hadn’t been out anywhere because of her caring duties, when you’ve been told the opposite is true.

It’s not the going out you feel hurt about it’s the porky pies, especially as she’s said when meeting up with her that she specifically hadn’t been out anywhere at all. Why lie? Why not just say you’ve been out and it’s the first chance you’ve had to meet up around the other things you already had planned?

I’d have said something about her going out with B if it had been me, just to let her know I know she’s telling porkies, but that’s just me!

At least you have a better idea of where you stand now.

I would be a bitch and reply saying you couldn't meet her as you already had plans with friend B so you could catch up on all she had been up to over Christmas.

And wait.

But I'm a bitch.

Some bizarre replies to this one OP!

YANBU to not want to be lied too.

*to

The thing about friends like this is that there's little point in having a conversation with them. If you can't trust that they're generally telling the truth then what's the point? Friendships are built on trust. In good friendships you can allow yourself to be vulnerable, whether that's telling someone about embarrassing stories or anything else. If the OP feels like her friend is deliberately misrepresenting things to garner sympathy, then the OP can either fake sympathy or listen in a detached way or change the subject. It just seems like a waste of time to me.

No one is mentioning possibility that the the friend doesn’t enjoy your company at the moment ? Maybe people she doesn’t know so well means she can have a “lighter” evening out without having to think or talk about her current situation . We all need different things from different people at different times . I’m sure you still have a great friendship but maybe give her some space ?

Jeez OP things went a bit crazy there for a while today, your head must be fried after some of those replies LOL

You're not a jealous stalker...but I'd leave it if I were you. At least you have a better idea of where you stand with her.

Also possible that the night out could have been planned very last minute? Or she may have been guilt tripped into it one of the group (given she's been absent lately, someone might have had the hump with her??)

It would not even cross my mind there is an issue. I would not see her making time to join in on a group activity as a poor reflection on not being able to catch up with me individually.

YABU

So bizarre that so many people think that the friend not revealing every activity over Christmas is lying???? She’s not obliged to disclose her every movement. Just because she went out with some people doesn’t mean she’s not exhausted caring for a sick parent; it doesn’t mean she didn’t generally have a shit Christmas and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t value the OP’s friendship or wasn’t really happy to get out and have a cup of tea with her. People are SO weird.

Also even if she were exaggerating a bit about being bound to the house, who fucking cares - she’s probably finding life hard and wants some sympathy from an old friend. It doesn’t hurt the OP!!!

OP you definitely sound like hard work and quite jealous and judgemental.

To jump to the conclusions of the OP without talking to the friend, you’d have to be a narcissist, wouldn’t you?

• I suppose we could all assign roles to friends if we wanted to!

By doing so we have to accept that friends have the right to reject their 'given' role and fade away*

I think that sums it up very neatly OP.

Also, I bet if she had said "yeah things are okay, I got out a few times over Christmas which was nice, but I've been dealing with x issue of mum's which is a pain" blah blah blah - just normal, honest conversation - you'd have been fine with it and sympathetic to the stressful parts. When I was a teenager I had a friend who'd tell weird lies to pretend she hadn't been with other people and I found it really insulting because I had plenty of my own other friends and wasn't remotely jealous over her. No one likes having their intelligence insulted.

So bizarre that so many people think that the friend not revealing every activity over Christmas is lying???? She’s not obliged to disclose her every movement. Just because she went out with some people doesn’t mean she’s not exhausted caring for a sick parent; it doesn’t mean she didn’t generally have a shit Christmas and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t value the OP’s friendship or wasn’t really happy to get out and have a cup of tea with her. People are SO weird.

Again, missing the point. No she doesn’t have to disclose every move. Yes she can go out if she wants. But saying that you haven’t been out of the house at all and you’re glad of now finally being able to get out of the house, is a blatant lie. She practically told the OP she was housebound for the entire time. Which isn’t true. So it’s going to raise a quizzical eyebrow when you know you’re being lied to.

Why not just say you’ve been mega busy and that and this is the first chance you’ve had to catch up around all the plans and caring duties you’ve had over Xmas? See how easy it is to just be straight with people?

So not weird at all.

Also, I bet if she had said "yeah things are okay, I got out a few times over Christmas which was nice, but I've been dealing with x issue of mum's which is a pain" blah blah blah - just normal, honest conversation - you'd have been fine with it

This ^

To jump to the conclusions of the OP without talking to the friend, you’d have to be a narcissist, wouldn’t you?

What conclusions did she jump to? Friend A told OP she hadn’t had any break from the relentlessness of looking after her parent over Xmas. This wasn’t true as pointed out by Friend B. (And later confirmed further by Friend A when she met up with OP).

If you are given reason to believe that your friend is lying to you, then I think that would make many people question that friendship. It’s not unusual that honesty is something many people value in close friendships.

browneyes77

Spot on.

@browneyes77 it doesn’t say she hasn’t been out of the house though, it says she hasn’t had a minute to herself, maybe she feels obliged to see the group of friends B is in but doesn’t really want to.
I used to care for my mum and despite getting an evening off most weeks it still felt relentless because even on that evening I was thinking about things I needed to do and still had to be home after a few hours to do night meds and turns at night and all that stuff. It IS relentless. It seems pretty cruel to be so caught yo on whst is at worst a white lie of shes otherwise a good friend.

But saying that you haven’t been out of the house at all and you’re glad of now finally being able to get out of the house, is a blatant lie.

I don’t think she said “at all”. Even in your own post you say “practically” housebound- so that’s not totally housebound is it? To be fair we don’t have her exact words. But perhaps in her view she hadn’t been much/ as much as she usually would, and she was genuinely pleased to get out for a cup of tea with the OP?

Friend A told OP she hadn’t had any break from the relentlessness of looking after her parent over Xmas

Maybe in her view she hadn’t?? At worst it’s an exaggeration and it’s not an exaggeration that even affects the OP!? Why would need to affect their friendship??

So yes I think this is a totally weird gripe and as a pp said - narcissi

*narcissistic

@OwlBeThere

She said she hadn’t had a break from looking after her parent. If you’ve been out with other friends socialising, then that isn’t true is it?

It’s only natural that the OP may feel a little stung to find out that her friend has seemingly found the time to socialise with other people on several occasions (and the same people it seems, not different groups of friends) and has then turned round and implied that she hasn’t actually been out socialising because she’s been busy caring for her parent.

Just because it’s “just a white lie” doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting a bit to be lied to by a friend.