AIBU to drop friend' caught fibbing.

[othervoicesotherrooms]

Friend (A) of many years has been caring for one of her parents & has understandably found it harder to meet up or be in contact regularly. Or so I thought.

I let her know that I was free to meet up if she had any time off : coffee, lunch, cinema whatever but accepted that she was busy.
Didn't see friend (A) at all over Christmas or new year.

I have just found out from another friend (B) that (A) has actually been out and about many times with a group of women (B) socialises with.

(Friend (A ) doesn't know that I know friend B)

(A) has just messaged me to ask if I'd like to meet up as 'she could do with a break from the relentlessness' (of looking after her parent). She said she is sorry it's been so long but she hasn't had a minute to herself over Xmas/new year.

I'm tempted to ignore. WIBU? WWYD?

John
Would she contact you if your life is in the shit? Would she actually care?
Funnily enough I don't tell her the bad stuff! Superficial 'gripes' but non of the heavy stuff.
I've chosen not to so I can't complain! Our friendship is a bit crap isn't it?!!

I would meet up and say B has said she saw you or heard you went out over Christmas how was it.

Quote: 'It has been full on. Non stop with M&D. I've not been able to do anything! So bloody miserable! it's so good to finally get out for a bit... It's so good to see you...!'*

Followed by talk about plans for parent's care, info about their health problems, fall outs with siblings, holidays/work and normal stuff

However, I have come to the conclusion that she just wants me for tea & sympathy. She'll have fun elsewhere, with others it seems

That's exactly what you are. The person to offload on and now you're back in your box. You'll know now for next time.

This thread is nuts, bravo for navigating it OP

Thing is, only now (I have AS so am a bit slow on the uptake when it comes to reading people) did I ever tell them about my life in the natural flow of conversation - they NEVER asked after me - makes me wonder if they actually ever listened to me. I could tell them what their favourite time of clothing was, their favourite bands what they liked as snacks - bet they'd have been stuffed if they thought about mine!
She gets dumped it was the WORSE THING EVER but for me - nah didn't give a shit. Showed more emotional range over a toastie maker than anything that happened to me.

I've actually started an FB book for those of us always seen as the radiators - but surrounded by drains.

This thread is nuts, bravo for navigating it OP 

John
Don't let it get you down! Believe me, you only need one or two people in your life who truly get you and care. It takes a bit of time to find them sometimes but they're out there.

Showed more emotional range over a toastie maker than anything that happened to me.

This made me laugh! Cheers to you!

I do, thanks for asking. Oh and BTW, YANBU.

However - maybe see what happens if you DO pull her up on her lie. I did give the Reasons You Suck speech to ex-friend once. But second time round its more fool me once, shame on you fool me twice, shame on me!

Has it occurred to you OP that people need different friends for different times in their lives? Don’t you? I have some friends who are very intense and need from me...sometimes if I’m finding life tough myself, I don’t want to see them and heaven forbid, I might make a white lie or stall them a week or two. I have other friends whose kids are all perfect perfect .....I’m pleased for them, but sometimes when my kids are a disfunctional nightmare, I find don’t want to meet up with that friend.
Try and be reasonable, I’m sure your friend is having a hard time, give her the benefit of the doubt and cut her some slack!

Have you ever gone out in the evening with her, has the friendship ever been like that? I know I have friends that i would have a coffee with but wouldn't go to the pub in the evening with as that's just not how our friendship is? Not that I go out in the evening much any more but when I did

Wow bizarre gripe you have hear OP. Just because she went out with some other friends doesn’t mean 1) that she’s not having a really hard time caring for her sick parent 2) that she values your friendship any less. I think you are being super weird and self oriented to have interpreted this as her lying and using you.

YABU.

OP from reading your original post alone you did come across as a bit needy and hard work. It seemed like rather an over-reaction to drop your friend for the reason you gave, and you didn’t sound very empathetic to her situation. I don’t really think she was lying then, and tbh I’m not really surprised she told a white lie later, because of how you came across and she probably didn’t want to face your reaction if she said she didn’t want to see you at that particular time. You do sound a bit judgemental.

Nothing you’ve written since then has really changed my opinion. You sound a bit forceful in your opinions. It may be that your friend just wasn’t in the mood for 1 to 1 interaction and preferred being out with a group.

I have a needy friend who’s jealous of my other friends. Sometimes it’s hard work and I don’t feel like seeing her. Just saying.

I would respond and say you knew she'd been out and about, but yeah you'd like to meet up.

Baked
I suppose we could all assign roles to friends if we wanted to!

By doing so we have to accept that friends have the right to reject their 'given' role and fade away...

Just caught up with thread
You did well OP - Im not sure Id have been able to keep my mouth shut tho !

And OMG - some of the bonkers replies on this thread ! So rude and spiteful

There is a big difference between a lie and not disclosing everything. If a friend asked me what I did over Christmas/New Year, is it a lie if I didn’t mention every social occasion? I think OP mentioned that the supposedly bad friend didn’t know that her and mutual friend know each other, so maybe she thought it was irrelevant to mention it

What a divisive thread you've inadvertently created!

I think it highlights how hard it is to call from just your description. I can imagine your friend being a bit of a manipulator and wanting to paint a particular picture of herself to gain your sympathy. Reading the same thread I can also imagine a woman who maybe did a few things over Christmas that she felt obliged to show her face at and didn't really enjoy, perhaps got called away early from because of her parents, so didn't bother counting them as part of a nice time. She's at last found the time to do something she feels is genuinely quality time and a respite (coffee with you), so told you how good it was to get away.

Being the only one actually there, your own gut feeling is probably the best judge.

I do think you have different values - you're not keen on pointless fibbing and she clearly is. Maybe let things fizzle out and find people you share more with in terms of morals.

Bin her off

Lall
As pointed out many times by other posters and me... This has nothing to do with meeting up with other friends! We have different sets of friends. We both do this all the time!

Sleep
I know!

Sleep
I agree with your post! That's the thing with AIBU! We judge based on a small amount of info. and our judgement is based on our own experiences!

Signing off now! Got to be up early!
Wonder what tomorrow will bring?!

Thank you for the replies, even the weird and wonderful ones!

Friend has just sent me a message asking me what I'm doing on my day off!
I've never felt so popular!

Needy and hard work? LMFAO
The OP literally just said she spent an hour and a half listening to her friend moan and vent about her woes and troubles and about how she's done nothing but care for her parents and the OP is hard work??
Hard work how?- by being a good listener?

Wow.

(I've declined btw... feeling a bit off about it all)