AIBU pregnancy with an unsuitable man ALL over this site

[SiriusBlack94]

It amazes me that EVERY day there are multiple posts with...

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant
My DH is a narcissist how can I leave him —- I have a baby on the way
I don’t love my DH anymore - but I’m 28 weeks pregnant
DH drinking all the time/doing drugs/ controlling/ doesn’t help around the house —- but I’m pregnant.

Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with. I know in some cases a man can turn abusive during pregnancy but in the majority of cases it’s things like ‘my DH drinks 4 times a week’ or ‘my DH never helps around the house’ which you would’ve KNOWN but still got pregnant.

I just don’t understand it and they are then tying themselves with often multiple children to these men.

TheYearOfTheDog please don't take on other people's judgements.

You and others have been through well enough.
It may appear to be foolishness to some priveledged onlookers; yet the complexity of adversity tells another story.

I did @SandyY2K i was still only 36 which seems young to me now. Id wised up a lot by then. Had a few epiphanies.

Isnt it a pity that our window of fertility doesnt overlap with that time in our lives when we can look back, assess, learn, grow.... use the wisdom we have gained.

All my DCs were unplanned. By unplanned I mean I was actively trying to avoid pregnancy by being on the pill, tracking my cycle and using condoms as well while I was ovulating. 3 children later

You don't ovulate on the pill or have a "cycle" to track. That's how it works.

I think some people just have a hard time admitting they were foolish

Agree with this. Or more like, they can admit it, but only afterwards. They know they are being foolish before, but just want kids so bad they don't care. Afterwards they have all the time in the world to say "why me". Of course if they become broody again the hardship is temporarily forgotten.

Whatever their curcumstances may be, pregnant women discussing their abusive or useless partners on Mumsnet are not looking to gain support to be the poor hapless victim, and don't want your pity. Far more likely that women may be reflecting on their situation to make sense of it, and make informed choices.

I do not believe any women posts on a forum such as Mumsnet to have a pity party.

Yes often some may discuss feeling overwhelmed and sorry for themselves, and so what? Surely this does not mean they are not worthy of others' understanding and respect.

Really not sure. I have been trying for over 1.5 years but never get anywhere with getting pregnant. Before that no contraception failures with unsuitable men

Another point, women are on here reprimanding those stupid enough to have had a child with an arsehole, but if I post anything to do with women's aid on my fb, it's ignored. Somebody happily married (i presume) posts somehting about apuppy farm and there is indignation, incredulity that this happens, support, donations........

Yep. I’ve noticed this too. I’d be interested to hear what the OP and others who have fired up in judgement of all of us stupid women casually having babies with arseholes are actually doing in real life to help. You know, besides giving themselves a big old pat on the back for a job well done for being smart and taking procreation seriously.

Firstly, no one is obliged to do any charity work or charity work for a particular charity or cause.

I do, do things for a local abuse charity.

But I dont see how the 2 are related. Especially, when alot of what OP is talking isnt abuse.

Why, as women, are we expected to only focus on womens charities?

Yesterday there was a thread from a women complaining about her ex. And used the words 'he has always done this'. It wasnt abuse. It was prioritising other people. Yet she married him and had kids with him, broke up with him and still expected his behaviour to just change. She still wasn't blaming him. It's still everyone elses fault.

Theres women in this site posting about how shit their partners are, whilst ttc. No kids involved. Yet choosing to have a child with them.

Trying to get women to understand they dont have to have to stay with arseholes, they dont have settle needs to be a priority.

Theres nothing wrong with pointing out that women dont have to accept poor behaviour from a partner. They arent obliged to stay with them, if they arent happy.

Big difference between critisising and judging and supporting and encourageing

Yep, just what I expected. Shite reading comprehension on threads like these.

Was literally laughing about this while reading the first few pages. It's amazing how bad some people are at a simple thing such as reading.

Yanbu op. I've just seen people saying that they only started thinking about their own needs once pregnant, and that they just ignored the laziness before that. Essentially people are saying they don't believe they are worth it, to have a nice partner that treats them right. That's really sad.

Others saying they thought their partner would change. NEVER assume that. They won't.

All my DCs were unplanned. By unplanned I mean I was actively trying to avoid pregnancy by being on the pill, tracking my cycle and using condoms as well while I was ovulating. 3 children later bollocks. If you were tracking your cycle you knew you were ovulating then you knew you could get pregnant and should have found a different kind of contraception.

Either way, if I had one child unplanned I’d make bloody sure it didn’t happen again. There is no excuse for ending up with three children you claim weren’t planned other than you weren’t using contraception properly.

And agree with OP. As usual people don’t read the OP properly and wade in with their “not everyone realises he’s an arse until they get pregnant,” posts - yes, the OP already said that. But for these women who knew what an arse he was and still choose to get pregnant they bear some responsibility for bringing children into a shit situation.

Equally those that say “I thought pregnancy would change him” - why? If you knew what he was like you can’t possibly think that you can change him when he hasn’t changed previously. Again, you are still choosing to bring children into a shit situation.

And then there are the posters who say “I’m with this man who cheats constantly/abuses me verbally/never does anything around the house and I know I should leave but my fertility window is running out and I might not meet anyone again.”

So it would be better to have children with an abusive cunt than not at all? Riiight.

It’s time to stop blaming everything on the patriarchy and start taking responsibility for our own actions.

Good job you're so perfect OP and will never make that mistake

Where did op say people can make a mistake?

Where did op say people can make a mistake?

She didn't in the op. But then how is not loving a guy, yet being in a relationship with him and shagging him a mistake? Dunno about anyone else, but I don't find myself everyday falling ontop of someone's dick.

They could have left him. Could have stopped having sex with him. Stop leading him on? Not have a child? It's quite easy.

But for these women who knew what an arse he was and still choose to get pregnant they bear some responsibility for bringing children into a shit situation

Despite repeated requests the OP has failed to provide a single example of a thread where a woman knowingly had a child with a deadbeat or abusive partner.

Considering they are "ALL over the site" I'd have thought he or shee wouldn't find it so difficult to make some suggestions.

I have given one a couple of posts before. It was yesterday.

Look in relationships. People TTC with totally unsuitable men and they know they because they are on here looking for advice.

What other advice is there but 'leave and dont have a child'.

Every weekend on several subjects theres the usual 'dp/dh hasnt come home' and 9 times out of 10, this is something that has always happened.

There was a thread last week about a dp who went out and did coke until 5am. He couldnt look after his child the next day so OP had to take her youngest to the oldest birthday treat. The oldest was meant to be having a day and a treat to himself. The OP wasnt that fussed about the coke. Didnt think it was an issue. And admitted this is something he has always done. She kept saying it was a one off. But it wasnt, because he had done it the whole time they were together. But 'only' a fee times a year.

She chose to have a baby with a man that went out a few times year and did coke and left her having to deal with the fall out. Then complains he is going out and shirking responsibility.

You cant link threads as that's against guidelines and makes it a taat. Which you know.

Anyone who says these threads dont exist are being ridiculous and know they cant be linked. Lots of posters have seen them. Are we imagining it or lying?

@C8 I don’t think it’s fair to link to other women’s threads on another thread so I won’t do that but I was prompted to write the OP by 3 I read yesterday around drinking too much being lazy etc. I am sure if you look you can find them.

However @artio0 above does say “ Not everyone has a perfect life, but that doesn't give you the right to judge them for wanting to experience the happiness and fulfilment of being a mum.” which again I don’t agree with - bringing a child into a situation where the relationship is bad or a woman KNOWS it’s not a good situation/relationship just to experience being a mum is not fair on the child in my opinion and is wrong move by the woman who then ends up stuck tied to him. I wouldn’t have a child with an unsuitable partner for the sake of it and I wouldn’t stop using dual contraception with my now DH until we got engaged and I wouldn’t have unprotected sex until we were planning to have a child. To me that is common sense. I don’t think that makes me ‘perfect’ or ‘smug’ as other posters have suggested.

To be honest I did not start this thread to ‘get at women’ as has also been suggested I simply just can’t get over women getting themselves into these situations where they are trapped tied to an unreliable / lazy / selfish partner and continue to have more children with them. It’s hard to know how to fix that though so women value themselves more and are educated as to what a normal loving relationship looks like.

Again I did say in my OP I know some partners change during pregnancy and this is not what I’m talking about and I also don’t think this is as massively common as has been implied on this thread although I’m sure there is a socio-economic dynamic.

I don’t think it’s fair to link to other women’s threads on another thread so I won’t do that but I was prompted to write the OP by 3 I read yesterday around drinking too much being lazy etc. I am sure if you look you can find them

How very convenient for you not to want to link to posts on a public forum. The case is yours to make - I'm not doing your research for you.

I'll take it you can't provide them.

women getting themselves into these situations

Oh and just as women don't "get themselves" pregnant, they don't "get themselves" into "these situations". There are men, families and wider societal pressures involved.

Again I did say in my OP I know some partners change during pregnancy and this is not what I’m talking about and I also don’t think this is as massively common as has been implied on this thread although I’m sure there is a socio-economic dynamic

Again - where is your evidence for women being entirely and independently to blame being common whilst the "socio-economic dynamic" is not common. Your "thinking" isn't evidence. Where are the actual facts attempting to distinguish the two? All I can see is internalised misogyny and judgementalism?

I thought victim blaming was against Talk Guidelines.

How very convenient for you not to want to link to posts on a public forum. The case is yours to make - I'm not doing your research for you.

Its against guidelines to do so.

Again are the people verifying it lying or imagining it?

Its convenient you are asking OP to do something you know is breaking guidelines

I thought victim blaming was against Talk Guidelines.

How is that victim blaming?

@C8H10N4O2 why would you ‘do research for me’? I also don’t see why I should ‘do research for you’ if you can’t read other threads on this site?

Apparently you also asked me to do something that is against talk guidelines which I wasn’t aware of so thanks to those who pointed it out.

I hate the infantalising of women that C8 seems to be a fan of. According to them women aren't responsible for anything that they do. It's all the fault of someone else - parents, partner, society, the patriarchy. No. We have free will and we need to own our choices and our actions.

No one makes us get into a relationship, stay in a relationship or have a child in that relationship, unless we have been forced or coerced and the op has specifically said she isn't talking about these situations. If you stay with an utter arse and choose to have a child with him then that's on you. It's not society's fault.

I personally the infantaliaing of women on MN, very anti feminist.

In the last year I have seen a poster be told it wasnt her mothers fault she abused the OP. It was stress.

Countless women told their affair wasnt their fault. The om manipulated them or the husband wasnt good enough.

It's not their fault they keep sleeping with a man who has told them he doesnt eant a relationship and just wants casual sex and (shockingly) wont commit to a relationship. It's his fault for manipulating her. Even when he is honest. Women can have casual sexual relationships, but when men have them they are bastards.

It's like people truly believe that woman dont have the mental capacity to make decisions for themseleves.

You are confusing infantalising women with acknowledging and respecting that women's choices are driven by complex reasons including but not limited to cultural, low self esteem, fear, loving someone and believing in them, .....acknowledgement and respect is is in fact empowering women But no woman is empowered by another women's scorn and judgement. Sometimes fear of judgement from other women serves to silence women from seeking support. Few will put the call for support out there if they fear they will be judged about partnering with men and experiencing domestic violence or crap relationships.

ok OP lets make it simple.

You made an assertion.

I challenged that assertion and asked for your fact based evidence.

You failed to provide it and told me to go and find it myself.

Its not my responsibility to find your evidence.

I deduce from that that you lack the evidence to support your assertion.