AIBU pregnancy with an unsuitable man ALL over this site

[SiriusBlack94]

It amazes me that EVERY day there are multiple posts with...

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant
My DH is a narcissist how can I leave him —- I have a baby on the way
I don’t love my DH anymore - but I’m 28 weeks pregnant
DH drinking all the time/doing drugs/ controlling/ doesn’t help around the house —- but I’m pregnant.

Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with. I know in some cases a man can turn abusive during pregnancy but in the majority of cases it’s things like ‘my DH drinks 4 times a week’ or ‘my DH never helps around the house’ which you would’ve KNOWN but still got pregnant.

I just don’t understand it and they are then tying themselves with often multiple children to these men.

Well thinking about it in my close circles of friends, only one of us doesn't have children. Her dh does a lot of housework and all the diy, including major stuff. He isn't lazy at all. Her parents appeared to have a very happy marriage as did his. Another friend is married to a man who also does a lot of housework. Get parents are still happily together. My ex h s parents are still married but ex fil was and still is abusive and doesn't do any housework. My other two friends both had a parent who left them. They married men who turned violent. They also had to do most of the housework.
What I'm trying to say is I think seeing parents who both pull their weight is vital.
We have a vicious cycle because women have grown up seeing women run around after males. There expectations are low, coupled with the desire to reproduce and be in a couple.

Well the woman that happily slept with my ex partner knowing he was cheating on me fell pregnant after less than a month, point blank refused a termination and went ahead with pregnancy is now hurt and upset that she is a single mother! Ex partner plays dad only when it suits him! I'd call that karma for her, however it's not fair that an innocent child was dragged into this mess!

My ex became violent during my pregnancy, no controlling behaviour or anger issues before that. He ended up with alcohol and drug issues. I was also vulnerable i imagine as my Mother died very young the year before.

I should also say that he only bothers with her when he has no one else to sleep with and says awful things about her behind her back!

@Inappropriatefemale

I think class has lots to do with it as classist as that may make me but it’s true, how many middle class women do you know with 5 kids and on benefits and I benefits where you don’t work at all, not tax credits etc, I know zero middle class women like this

I think girls who grow up in ‘middle class’ houses are taught to expect more financially/lifestyle wise.
I don’t think it impacts behaviour tbh, I know several middle class women with DH’s who behave badly but earn well. My DH earns very well but can be a lazy arse!!!

‘Middle class’ women are rarely emotionally better off than the women ‘with several children reliant on benefits’ they just live in nicer houses/lifestyles and hire cleaners/nanny’s to get around their DH’s doing naff all.

Summatsummit - I’m very sure, with three older sisters they were never left in any doubt

Again, I can be very lazy, that’s not a crime. It’s expecting your partner male or female to pick up your slack that’s the problem. I know plenty of males and females who work from home and have a cleaner for example

I think Abuse has nothing to do with class. How it is shown perhaps. And studies have shown that pregnancy often makes abuse worse but yes one does think well there must have been signs, or well why did you have a child together? But one can,t judge if one doesn't know the particular peple/situation. But even on here a women saying she put up with the abuse as he wouldn,t leave. Er hangon why didn,t she leave? (Perhaps she tried but this wan,t stated.)

“ Are you sure? It's often very subtle and hard to see the effects (usually come out in laziness around the home though).”

So your test conditions are such that nobody can pass them. Great.

Add to this the cultural pressure that being a single woman is a source of shame? That a childfree existence is pointless?

I’ve never really felt this supposed pressure. I’m not the least bit ashamed I’m single. I’d rather be single than spend most of my day moaning about an OH, and the other half being treated like shit by them. I can do what I want, when I want. My mess is my own to create and tidy up. I can go where I want, spend my money how I want. Everything I have is mine because I worked for it myself. Why on EARTH would I be ashamed that I don’t need a man in my life to survive?

As for my existence being pointless because I don’t have kids. 😂😂😂 I have never heard that one! Is that really a common thought/judgement? I’m doing the world a favour by not bringing more bloody people into it!

Being lazy isn't a crime. It's those who:

• don't work

- spend all spare time on a hobby - check out of family life

• do not do any parenting
• don't take an interest in their kids and expect to be waited on hand and foot.

I agree with a pp on this point
I think some people just have a hard time admitting they were foolish

That's never an easy thing to accept or admit.

I hate this notion that women are always weak and feeble victims.

Step up and take responsibility for your actions...otherwise those kids you've brought into the world, with deadbeat dads, will do exactly the same...if you wallow in the world of being a victim.

I want to be very clear, that I'm not referring to men who become useless
AFTER pregnancy.

I think there are a lot of reasons why someone might have children with an clearly abusive, lazy or otherwise unsuitable man.

I think the age of the woman involved, her self esteem level, culture, embarrassment and upbringing have a lot to do with it.

I have noticed quite a few times the man can be quite a bit older and/or she was relatively young when the relationship started. I think sometimes dodgy men look for younger and/or less confident women who will have a harder time dealing with mistreatment, then the women get accustomed to it over time. It's day to day life eventually, finances get entwined, etc. It starts to feel normal and he will tell her it is, and it's harder to leave or start over each day it has continued.

If she's had a difficult relationship with her parents, or grown up in a dysfunctional home and lacks social support that can massively contribute. She might not know what a normal relationship looks like even if it feels wrong, know no one will help her leave and so tries to follow the expected relationship steps. She might even be under pressure to stay from family, who will say things about how serious or bad it would be to leave. He might seem great or acceptable to others.

It might not be till she's older and/or grown in awareness and self confidence, a mother or soon to be, that she starts to feel it's really not okay. It never was of course, but she might not have been able to acknowledge it before.

She might be afraid of him and to deal with the fear has convinced herself it's HER choice to stay, and married, had kids etc due to this denial. Also, perhaps the partner's pressuring.

She might also think she can rescue him from his issues or that if she loves him enough he will change, or that a baby might somehow fix him and the relationship. -- This might be very naive, but some media does portray this message. That women can save difficult men.

It very sad it comes up a lot here, but I think there are usually reasons which are logical from the perspective of the women involved but harder to grasp if you have not got the same history, personality or experiences. -- I think such women need support not judgement and blame.

@ChilliandLemon, in my DD's case she didn't ovulate. She was diagnosed with PCOS at 14 and had, had to have a laparoscopy by 16. At 17 she had a coil fitted to protect her from cancers. It started her ovulating. One day she was in a lot of pain, her coil had moved and she was already pregnant.

She is struggling at the moment, because being under 25 having a hysterectomy isn't an option and she's nervous of hormonal treatments incase they up her fertility again. She does use condoms, but because she has so much going on, the MAP would cause her lots of issues.

I think there are women who have children with unsuitable men even though the warning signs are there. They either think those men will step up with fatherhood (most don't), don't think they will do any better, are just desperate to have a child or choose a partner who's a bit of a dickhead but has other redeeming features (eg financial or is good looking etc).

And for others the cracks don't show until they become parents. For me it is to do with very different parenting styles, we have disagreements because I think he can be too laid back and I think he has an obvious favourite which I'm very uncomfortable with,but I wouldn't have known that was the case until we were parents.

I think the daily grind of parenthood and just being married for a while can also bring out a previously concealed abusive side, as people can't be bothered to keep their nasty side concealed any more.

My dh isn't abusive but he's moody, sulky and abrasive and quite selfish at times now we are parents in a way he wasn't pre kids when we'd only been married a couple of years. When I chose to have kids with him I didn't think this side of his personality would appear, as he used to be mainly quite happy go lucky and thoughtful. So I can see how the personality of someone you thought was quite decent can turn out not to be.

I have noticed quite a few times the man can be quite a bit older and/or she was relatively young when the relationship started.

Or she's older and the clock is ticking and it's a desperate attempt to have a go at a nuclear idea of a family. Or wants another child and it's easier just to stick with the sperm donor you know than risk an only child.

Or it's to set up a blended family with new 'DP' because she has only one child and wants another one.

This is not uncommon, it's not always woman as feeble powerless victim.

@sandyY2k, for me, in the run up to leaving, it wasnt foolishness that i needed to confront.

I realised i could not have told you where the line fell between pleasing my x and pleasing myself.

I didnt know what it was to make myself happy. I looked normal on the outside and that made me happy.

What was difficult for me to admit was the wound my parents' parenting of me had left on me.

Sometimes it might* just be plain foolishness but it is more complex.

@TheYearOfTheDog

At least you left in the end.

Sounds like you have perfect self control, no addiction or mental health issues, healthy ideas of self worth and no financial difficulties as well as a partner to which all of that applies too. Let's hope it stays that way.

Not everyone has a perfect life, but that doesn't give you the right to judge them for wanting to experience the happiness and fulfilment of being a mum. No one gets up in the morning thinking, how can I make my life any worse today?