AIBU pregnancy with an unsuitable man ALL over this site

[SiriusBlack94]

It amazes me that EVERY day there are multiple posts with...

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant
My DH is a narcissist how can I leave him —- I have a baby on the way
I don’t love my DH anymore - but I’m 28 weeks pregnant
DH drinking all the time/doing drugs/ controlling/ doesn’t help around the house —- but I’m pregnant.

Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with. I know in some cases a man can turn abusive during pregnancy but in the majority of cases it’s things like ‘my DH drinks 4 times a week’ or ‘my DH never helps around the house’ which you would’ve KNOWN but still got pregnant.

I just don’t understand it and they are then tying themselves with often multiple children to these men.

Omg you have no clue! Trust me no one goes "oh aye ill have a baby with this abusive guy so I can complain to a bunch of strangers on the Internet" YES blame these people for a very complex and disarming situation. That's exactly what they need when they are down - more judgement. Trust me you cannot beat these victims any more than they are doing themselves. Most women are trying their best for themselves and their children but I'm sorry they aren't smart enough or good enough to escape your judgement.

Yes but they may know he has other kids he doesn’t see or he brings no income in, what about these women, they aren’t victims imo.

I think middle class people often make poor choices but what cushions the blow is money.
Money to buy a cleaner, Nanny what ever so the short comings of their husband are masked.
Middle class men are just as likely to fuck other women whilst married, their wives just turn a blind eye because of money. They don't seem to be getting as much of a hard time on here though.

I think that women that are naive are more likely to change their ways than men that sleep about behind their wives back are more likely to change.

IMO men cheat and even good men cheat, I don’t believe that men can be faithful or at least I’ve not had one!

Women can grown and learn, men don’t with cheating I don’t think unless they’re young when they cheat and then ‘grow up’ later, doesn’t say much for men though.

Of course not all men are cheats!!!
Neither are women.
I actually think some men and women who cheat on one partner don't necessarily cheat on every partner.
What I am saying is is it worse to stay with a man who doesn't do as much housework, or one who shags other women?
Of course it's possible to be with a man who isn't lazy and doesn't shag around .
It's also possible to have a child using a sperm donor but I imagine it's not easy. Society is still geared up for couples.
It's expensive for one thing to live alone.

When every partner has cheated on you then it’s not unreasonable to believe that all men aren’t like this.

I believe lots of women just don’t know that their man has cheated.

Well there's been a veneer of classism from a few posters on this thread...

At least it's out in the open now 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP - has it occurred to you that people's behaviour changes over time and they often forget to mention their abusive/violent tendencies early on in a relationship?

Which is why having children early on in a relationship is not a good idea.

And having more than one would be extremely irresponsible, once you've witnessed the violence and abuse.

“ I think that women that are naive are more likely to change their ways than men that sleep about behind their wives back are more likely to change.

IMO men cheat and even good men cheat, I don’t believe that men can be faithful or at least I’ve not had one!

Women can grown and learn, men don’t with cheating I don’t think unless they’re young when they cheat and then ‘grow up’ later, doesn’t say much for men though.”

Absolute bigotry.

1. Abuse often starts in pregnancy or is the worst when a woman is pregnant.
2. All my DCs were very much wanted but unplanned. By unplanned I mean I was actively trying to avoid pregnancy by being on the pill, tracking my cycle and using condoms as well while I was ovulating. 3 children later, here I am
3. Emotional abuse and coercive control are very complex and it is often not as simple as walking away. Abusers are not monsters all the time , that's why they can keep their victims with them or even make their victims believe it is their fault they are being treated badly.

It's very easy when you are not in a situation to judge and think these women are stupid, have low self esteem etc., until something like this happens to you

It did happen to me and I admitted it! I knew he wasn’t great and still had his kid!

I’m not the only female in the world to have a kid to a man who I knew wasn’t perfect and I know I can’t be the only one, I’m just honest about it, and most of you keep gmentioning abusive men, we are talking about women that know full well he is shit but still having his kids, why do you keep ignoring this?!

I agree somewhat. Through the ages, women have hoped that men will change. They usually don't. So if you marry a lazy man, he will remain lazy. It is quite odd to read women complaining here that their husbands leave all the mental load to them, and they currently have two under 5 and one on the way. Often dogs too.

This doesn't apply to abuse, violence or cheating. None of those things can be predicted. But if a guy doesn't bother his arse with baby number one, it's a clear indication he won't bother with subsequent kids either. Or walk the dog.

There's a world of difference between an abusive partner and a partner who's a bit useless, enjoys going out a bit much or doesn't want to get a job. I think these are the men that op is talking about - those who aren't great husband or father material, rather than abusive men.

YANBU OP. My boyfriend’s parents have a dreadful marriage and 4 kids who hate being at home. I assumed that the marriage went bad a few years ago but during a recent conversation my boyfriend’s mum was telling me about how his dad used to go out drinking every night when they were first together and not tell her where he was, so she used to drive around looking for him in all the local pubs. Wtf?? I lost some of the sympathy I’d had for her because that would have been a HUGE red flag for me. She says yeah he’s always been selfish. I just don’t understand why she went on to have FOUR children with the man? He was never interested in any of them and I’m not surprised, don’t know why she was.

HI @SiriusBlack94

Are you planning to come back and tell us where are these threads "ALL over the site" by feckless women who had kids with men they expected to be abusive or useless deadbeats?

Or are you still struggling to find them?

When I had my first DC I had no idea men could be anything other than selfish, unhelpful, messy, uncaring, ever so slightly aggressive, etc. I just thought - men are different to women obviously, and so you have to put up with it if you want a (heterosexual) relationship. Since most people seem to have this kind of relationship I thought well it can't be that bad.

I don't think the OP"s point is wrong but I think this post explains it. Some women have no idea that life is supposed to be any different. They aren't necessarily stupidly choosing something bad - they just don't know that there is a different way of living.

The "great dad" thing drives me crazy too but I think people mistake the fact that children will, of course, love their parent with that parent being a great dad.

Yeah my ex’ mum had 5 kids to a man that beat her up 8 months into the relationship and I thought so why have 5 kids to him and then I started thinking that maybe he didn’t hit her when pregnant and this is why she kept having kids, well I said this theory to my then partner and he said ‘I think this is why too because my dad didn’t hit her when she was pregnant’, he was an alcoholic as well and she did 3 jobs but he did the childcare, the house stuff and the cooking, my ex thought that his mum would have gotten her social life at work too.

Strangely enough there are men out there that hit their women normally but yet stop for 9 months when she is pg which shows they can control it.

Also there are abusive men that start when pregnant too.

Well this was quite true for me when my daughter was young, I was selfish and hated having to stay home every week night when she had nursery the next day, if i could rewind time then I would have my daughter about now (age 38) and I would have a man that could hold down a job and didn’t play on his PlayStation all day, or fancy my friends!

I find it astonishing how many surprise babies are born to women who had been told by doctors they “cannot conceive”. I am sceptical that this is the case.

I always wonder this. How many times do you read that they were told they couldn’t have children, no details as to why or who said this are ever given. How often are women told they can 100% not conceive?

I wonder if being told that conceiving may be more difficult is taken as well I can’t have children. End of.

“ I think the short of it is - men are raised in a culture that teaches them to view women as inferior.
They'd have either have to have had really good influences (parents, teachers, peers) or they'd be very very proactive in fighting this prejudice themselves, to not be affected. Most won't have had this, or be of this mindset. Most!”

Most. LOL.

My brothers were born 1985 on a council estate and they do not view women as inferior. Neither did my middle class ex husband nor his father. My young daughters boyfriends aren’t displaying any signs.
So who is raising these scumbags ? I don’t see class being the common denominator tbh nor family background. It’s individual choices.