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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU pregnancy with an unsuitable man ALL over this site

506 replies

SiriusBlack94 · 12/01/2020 09:16

It amazes me that EVERY day there are multiple posts with...

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant
My DH is a narcissist how can I leave him —- I have a baby on the way
I don’t love my DH anymore - but I’m 28 weeks pregnant
DH drinking all the time/doing drugs/ controlling/ doesn’t help around the house —- but I’m pregnant.

Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with. I know in some cases a man can turn abusive during pregnancy but in the majority of cases it’s things like ‘my DH drinks 4 times a week’ or ‘my DH never helps around the house’ which you would’ve KNOWN but still got pregnant.

I just don’t understand it and they are then tying themselves with often multiple children to these men.

OP posts:
PepePig · 12/01/2020 14:03

There's also too many women who genuinely don't take having a child seriously. When I was younger, the thought genuinely terrified me. If I was ever unsure about protection, I was straight to the pharmacy the next morning for the MAP. Yes, contraception is a joint responsibility, but only a woman can get pregnant. You have to take the lead on your own contraception.

As soon as I was "ready and open" to having a child, I stopped using protection, and, newsflash- it only took one time. Myself and my partner overhauled our (already decent) lives in 9 months. We bought a house with room for kids, in a good area. We sold his car for a family car (mine's getting changed this year). We ensured our finances were water-tight for when I was on maternity pay. We researched babies extensively and were as prepared as possible. Obviously, nothing truly prepares you for a baby, but we did everything we could. And we both aren't huge earners. But we saved and were responsible.

Far too many couples are blase about "if she gets pregnant". Far too many people fall pregnant to someone in undesirable situations. And neither do enough to rectify it. They know their situation is bad, but just lie in it, rather than getting out and getting the fuck away from it.

I'm aware unexpected pregnancies do happen. But if you're having sex, you should always have a plan for if things do happen. Whether that's abortion, a life overhaul, etc.

Really, though? Your life shouldn't need overhauled when you fall pregnant. A baby really should be prepared lovingly for- not threw into the chaos with the hope it'll turn out ok in the end. This is a human life, not a toy.

Disclaimer: I am not talking about rape and pregnancies from that or coerced sex.

RedPanda2 · 12/01/2020 14:05

Unfortunately not all countries have access to free, safe abortions. I do think some couples are lax with contraception and then wonder how they got pregnant??? That baffles me.

Inappropriatefemale · 12/01/2020 14:06

@PepePig your right and I 100% agree but some women think that the MAP is down to the man as well, lots on here said that in Teen Mum ‘well Charlie forgot the MAP too’, ffs come on it’s us that go through the pregnancies and Shannon was far more responsible for the MAP after unprotected sex than Charlie was.

PicsInRed · 12/01/2020 14:17

Lillygolightly

👏👏

MGC31 · 12/01/2020 14:20

Mumsnet is a terrible advert for marriage and having kids. Reading the threads on here makes me even more sure that I have made the right decision staying completely single and child free.

I can’t even be arsed to look for/date anyone nowadays.

Some days it might be a bit lonely and blah blah, but I can deal with that. I could not, and will not, deal with the shite that many of you do / have to do.

PepePig · 12/01/2020 14:26

@RedPanda2

Oh, absolutely. I live in NI and we all know the battle we had to get it legalised. It was just always v common in my group of friends that we'd need to go to the mainland or access pills from a charity. Both are obviously risky and traumatic avenues to take. But we had to prepare for the likelihood of it happening. We were all incredibly cautious with contraception as a result because the other option was... awful.

@Inappropriatefemale
Exactly. You have to be accountable for your own body. I'd be infuriated if a partner tried to dictate to me what pills to take or what contraception method I should use. My body, my choice. Men should use condoms and take responsibility that way until a pill has been produced, but it's the woman's call on whether she doubles up with other methods or risks it. I also don't think men can pick up the MAP for their partner? I always thought the woman had to go and answer the questions before being given/sold it. So it really is down to the woman at the end of the day.

WorraLiberty · 12/01/2020 14:27

a better question would be why are there still so many appalling men who fail to step up when they become fathers and partners.

That's a good question but I wouldn't say it's a better one given the context of this thread.

Perhaps a better one would be 'why do women have more than one child with men like that?'

There will always be awful parents in the world (both male and female) but that doesn't absolve people of their responsibility to stop procreating with them, as soon as they realise it.

Honeybee85 · 12/01/2020 14:29

Perhaps you should educate yourself a bit more on domestic violence.

Many women become victims of it for the first time during pregnancy.

eminencegrise · 12/01/2020 14:31

A lot of people simply cannot be alone, too. Or have a relationship that doesn't involve and is not moving towards living together.

I've got a friend, she has 4 kids. She was pregnant during her marriage split up. The baby's only a few months old and she's focused on dating and having a man more than anything else.

Still married, they're not even working on divorce.

Purpletigers · 12/01/2020 14:31

Not all pregnancies are planned which is why we should consider more carefully those we shag. This applies to both men and women .

pinkstripeycat · 12/01/2020 14:31

OhioOhioOhio

I think many people have been in your position and I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had a bad time 💐

IdleBet · 12/01/2020 14:32

YANBU.

Some women have low standards.

Some women would rather be with a prick than be on their own.

PepePig · 12/01/2020 14:37

@eminencegrise

That, too. To keep it vague, I know someone who's had to battle for her partner and her to even move in together... for years. He's a "nice guy" but it's clear as day that he isn't really that bothered about the relationship. But she's dead set on him so what can you do other than sit and watch? I just feel like every milestone will be a 4 year battle for her. I'm afraid she'll end up nearing 40 with no baby r wedding because he's still putting it off... or she'll have a lapse in judgement and try to get pregnant on purpose. And he won't want the baby.

It's hard to watch things like this happen but you realistically can't do anything about it. Just have to hope she comes to her senses. But he always knows when to reel her in.

PortiaCastis · 12/01/2020 14:38

When as I did you feel the first punch or slap you cant believe it as that wasn't in the life plan but then neither was the lovely man you married becoming a violent drunk but these things happen and we none of us see them coming until they happen to us
Shame we cannot all see into the future or there'd be no problems to keep MN going

CherryPavlova · 12/01/2020 14:42

Not all pregnancy is planned ...but the overwhelming majority jolly well should be. Free, effective contraception is readily available in the U.K. very few excuses and every child deserves to be planned and wanted.

Inappropriatefemale · 12/01/2020 14:47

I don’t get this not planned pregnancy at all, if you don’t use anything and he ejaculates inside you then what do you expect?

CharlotteMD · 12/01/2020 14:50

...because you're only getting one side of the story.

Purpletigers · 12/01/2020 14:56

The old fashioned attitudes of dating , engagement, marriage then children has worked for the majority of my family and friends . Out of 20ish cousins only two are divorced and only one friend. I don’t have any friends or family who had children with blokes they only met or who had children with other women before them . This is what our children should be aspiring to .
We are not educating our children on the dangers of sex with unsuitable partners and the repercussions of any resultant children .

Inappropriatefemale · 12/01/2020 14:58

This reply has been deleted

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Purpletigers · 12/01/2020 14:59

I’ll be advising my children to remain virgins until they’re in their twenties as I did . Teenagers can make fantastic parents ( I know several ) but my goodness are the odds against you .

Inappropriatefemale · 12/01/2020 14:59

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Purpletigers · 12/01/2020 15:00

I agree inappropriate, if a middle class girl / bloke has a child young it tends to be A child and not 3 or 4 in quick succession.

lorettalemon · 12/01/2020 15:03

OP - has it occurred to you that people's behaviour changes over time and they often forget to mention their abusive/violent tendencies early on in a relationship?

PortiaCastis · 12/01/2020 15:08

There are lots of people on this site who are or were teen Mums and we are not necessarily working class

Purpletigers · 12/01/2020 15:08

Which is why Loretta you don’t shag them early in a relationship . It’s not difficult to “ not have sex” with some random bloke /woman you just met .