AIBU pregnancy with an unsuitable man ALL over this site

[SiriusBlack94]

It amazes me that EVERY day there are multiple posts with...

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant
My DH is a narcissist how can I leave him —- I have a baby on the way
I don’t love my DH anymore - but I’m 28 weeks pregnant
DH drinking all the time/doing drugs/ controlling/ doesn’t help around the house —- but I’m pregnant.

Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with. I know in some cases a man can turn abusive during pregnancy but in the majority of cases it’s things like ‘my DH drinks 4 times a week’ or ‘my DH never helps around the house’ which you would’ve KNOWN but still got pregnant.

I just don’t understand it and they are then tying themselves with often multiple children to these men.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Yes in a perfect world this is entirely true, and indeed I agree. However, in my previous post I am just explaining why I don’t think it happens as it should.

I’m lucky I have children and my life is good, it’s not perfect, but who’s is! I like to think that if I were my age now and childless I wouldn’t be so desperate as to fall pregnant regardless of the circumstance. The urge to have children is strong, and indeed it’s meant to be for the survival of the human race, so I can’t say with any degree of certainty I would have been willing to have gone without having children because I failed to meet the perfect partner, and absolutely think that many women face this predicament.

But I do agree with your post Lillygo!!

Things were tougher than before but I wanted another child, probably more than I wanted him. I lived in a world where single mothers were stigmatised.
I absolutely wanted another child and if that meant having to tolerate me doing the majority of the housework then so be it.

This is why there are so many who are pregnant again. And again. And again. It's easier just to use the same sperm donor so they get their two babies, or three or whatever.

YANBU.

There are also a number of people who procreate to cement their relationship. Can't be a real, meaningful relationship without a baby together.

Mostly think it’s shit that a woman is blamed for choosing a shit partner rather than the partner being blamed for being a shit partner.

What's amazing is how many of these shit partners get snapped up by yet another woman, who's more than willing to overlook his shitness and have another kid with him.

Another point, women are on here reprimanding those stupid enough to have had a child with an arsehole, but if I post anything to do with women's aid on my fb, it's ignored. Somebody happily married (i presume) posts somehting about apuppy farm and there is indignation, incredulity that this happens, support, donations........

For many women there is nowhere to go and no money when they get there.

Even a good man can start off good but if YOU are no longer what he wants then you will see his selfishness in his determination to replace you with what he does want.

There needs to be more support for women left holding the baby. Childcare, like hospitals and schools. So that women don't always pay the price of parenthood.

All of this condemnation for women! they are the ones who pay the price for their ''stupidity'' ie, emotional wounds/low self-esteem/low pay/no options/ dwindling fertility

Yes @eniminemcegrise and it’s these women I’m referring too, women that know the score! Why are we excusing them? Just admit they’re daft and foolish and completely delusional and sometimes get what they deserve and especially if they don’t GAF that he doesn’t see his other kids and you think that your kid will be more important because it’s ‘the 2 of you’ together or some other BS romantic notion that I’m sure there are lots of females that think this way!

@SunshineAngel nailed it. And you are only 29. I’m impressed.

There is no such thing as a bombproof marriage. People change and sometimes marriages can’t weather the storm. And whilst most people discuss having children before actually having them the realities of being a parent v anything you might have experienced or read before becoming a parent are wildly different. I personally don’t know how any marriage survives parenthood.

''Things were tougher than before but I wanted another child, probably more than I wanted him. I lived in a world where single mothers were stigmatised.
I absolutely wanted another child and if that meant having to tolerate me doing the majority of the housework then so be it.''

I don't know who wrote this but it's very honest. Making the best choice to match what she wanted in the world she lived in.

Women just always pay a higher price for everything, for parenthood generally and for every small mistake.

Well every adult is responsible for their own stupidness, not everything is about low self esteem, I have low self esteem but not that much that I’m not responsible for my decisions as an adult.

We aren’t talking about men that change though! It’s women that know but ignore, like the women I mentioned in my first post, low self esteem? Probably but why is this an excuse to have a baby with a known drug dealer who doesn’t GAF about his other 5 kids!

We need to be teaching young women what a healthy relationship looks like, because if they come from a dysfunctional background they won't necessarily know.

But what does a healthy relationship look like? Because I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one. I certainly haven’t observed any one relationship that I’d like mine to emulate. I know a few couples who to outsiders look like they have nailed it, but under the surface one or other is unhappy. I have one friend who thinks she has the most wonderful relationship- I think it borders on modern day slavery (DHs treatment of her). Her children will grow up to think her DHs treatment of her is acceptable/good....and the cycle will continue.

I think there is an issue with social conditioning, which is part of this forum, that keeps women in relationships that don’t work for them.

In fact I think this forum plays a large part in setting a benchmark of abuse, narcissism and infidelity as being the reasons for leaving. I’ve become quite despairing of the need to prove he is “that bad” in order to end it.

A life time together and raising children needs more than just being about good enough. Especially when that is defined as he can sometimes try to be a functioning adult with a small degree of emotional intelligence.

A lot of women post on here and basically describe relationships were they are totally incompatible and have no adult means of communication. Yet they won’t accept that as a good reason to leave. Instead they have to prove “something” to justify a decision to end it. And pps encourage them to do this. And the reasons they give to justify staying are nothing more than materialistic or selfish.

Can it be the case that there are no genuinely good relationships?

I think there are plenty good men out there but there is a whole load of women that like ‘bad boys’ and that’s a fact.

My Mum is in a great marriage now and has been for 21 years, I would love a man like my stepdad, he seems almost too good to be true but he isn’t.

shoebedobedobedobedoo Things I'm teaching my DD include believing in her own worth, that she is worth far more than picking a bloke's socks of the floor. That feeling unhappy is a good enough reason to end a relationship. That she has a right to her boundaries and dealbreakers, and not to listen to anyone who tells her otherwise. The list goes on, but I guess a large part can be summarised as not to constantly put herself last in any relationship.

It's not going to be perfect guidance from me, because it took me long enough to extricate myself. I did send her links to some of those stickied Relationship threads and I know she's read them, especially about red flags to look for. A lot of collective wisdom there.

My DD has already been in a controlling relationship and didn’t tell me until afterwards and finished with him off of her own back and I am immensely proud of her for this, I wasn’t that clever at 16/17.

I learned this one hard and fast when I was 17, and now I do think very carefully about the men I date.

Current boyfriend is a great guy, we get on really well. BUT.. He has a time consuming hobby, 3 week nights and Saturdays when he can. Great now, I'm a busy single parent and love my own space. With a baby? I'd resent it. He also works all over the region, sometimes away overnight and 5am starts if he has a long drive. No problem now, but fuck all help with a baby or child to get to school. His house is messier than mine.. you get the drift.

Luckily we don't want any more children, but I'd be wary if we did. As it stands it's the easiest and best relationship I've ever had, but that does not mean we would be a good parenting team.

@UYScuti I do wonder about that. I have an ok relationship. It's ok, because when the wifework gets out of control, DH and I have a big row and he improves for a while. I have been told repeatedly on here that people have these equal relationships where they share house and child stuff and both take their careers reasonably seriously, but I don't know of a single one in real life. I don't feel I have any role models.

As a teacher, it makes me wonder how good PHSE is when so many of the teaching staff don't have ideal relationships themselves.

SouthernComforts well at least you know that he wouldn’t be the greatest dad and if you were to have a baby to him and he turned out to be useless as you expected then you would only have yourself to blame, some women clearly don’t have this awareness.

@UYScuti I have a genuinely good relationship. Don't write about it on here or boast to people about it. DH is a gentleman and an equal parent and partner to me in every way. I don't know how though as his own father treats his mother like shit so he didn't have the best example growing up. He does say that he knows "what not to do".

Also, we go on holiday with other families. The women were shocked at how much my husband does and talk about how "lucky" I am. I don't think I am particularly lucky. I think this is how all relationships should be.

Yeah it’s not that your lucky, it’s that they’re unlucky, it’s not lucky to have a good partner, it’s the Norm, or it should be.

Inappropriatefemale - that's my point, the signs are there, and no abuse of any kind, just a busy guy with a job that takes him all over. I'm not prepared to be the automatic parent doing all childcare drop offs and pick ups, most of the cleaning due to my higher standards, and sit home with the baby 3 nights a week minimum while he does his hobby. Been there done that. But like I said, no kids no problem

Well exactly SC, I was just reiterating what you said, if only most women were like this.

Yep - now, if only I could tell 17 year old me this info