AIBU pregnancy with an unsuitable man ALL over this site

[SiriusBlack94]

It amazes me that EVERY day there are multiple posts with...

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant
My DH is a narcissist how can I leave him —- I have a baby on the way
I don’t love my DH anymore - but I’m 28 weeks pregnant
DH drinking all the time/doing drugs/ controlling/ doesn’t help around the house —- but I’m pregnant.

Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with. I know in some cases a man can turn abusive during pregnancy but in the majority of cases it’s things like ‘my DH drinks 4 times a week’ or ‘my DH never helps around the house’ which you would’ve KNOWN but still got pregnant.

I just don’t understand it and they are then tying themselves with often multiple children to these men.

Aren't something like 50% of pregnancies unplanned?

I don’t get it either.

It’s not just the unsuitable men, it’s finances, length of relationship or the need to have a child in every new relationship etc.

Before we got married my h forgot to mention that he was an cruel bastard. He hid it exceptionally well. In fact it took my own solicitor more than 2 years to see what a lying sneaky cunt he actually is. And I don't consider my own solicitor to be needy or stupid.

Hth you work out why the rest of us are not as smart as you.

And all of my children were planned. My h saved his venom til the 3rdone popped out. Then he showed his true colours.

I think you become a lot more aware of your needs when it’s more than just you. Just me, I don’t care if he’s lazy. But when I’m tired, hormonal and have another person to look after, it suddenly seems more important

Not all pregnancies are planned.

A lot of emotional abuse and controlling behavior ramps up in pregnancy.

Pregnancy may be the first time that a woman starts thinking of having to take care of herself so she can take care of a baby, so it is the first time she notices that she is with someone who is not taking care of herself.

For some women pregnancy is physically and mentally exhausting so the lack of a supportive partner becomes more obvious.

My DH sudden became lazy and reverted to old fashioned sexist stereotypes after DD was born. It was like DD was born and he suddenly became unable to empty a bin!

not tkaing care of herslef should be not taking care of her

You'll get people telling you that 'not everyone can see through the perfect partner act. Well done you.'

It's almost a crime on here to say 'hey, maybe you shouldn't have babies with (known) cunts.'

Well, not every single abusive, lazy partner springs up out of the blue. Some women choose to be careless with who they reproduce with, then want sympathy for the man not pulling his weight.

My ex completely changed personality when I got pregnant, because he didn’t want to be forced to think of anyone else, he was selfish and cruel to me. Some men only show their true colours when their partner gets pregnant

Because
a) living in a patriarchy predisposes us (the people in them, the people witnessing them) to normalising these oppressive relationships
b) coerced/forced/‘unplanned’ pregnancies are often part of how controlling men operate

RE point a) please see PP’s comment about ‘careless’ women who only ‘want sympathy’ as a case in point.

I thought my exHs selfish behaviour would change when we had a family. It didn't. That's when the serious abuse actually started. He had never in 5 years showed any signs of bullying, abusive, controlling behaviour but had been happy, apparently caring, just quite thoughtless and selfish in the area of his hobbies.

In hindsight, of course he was happy, he was getting everything he wanted from the relationship, but once family responsibilities became more pressing, this horrible violent individual appeared. I was unaware that he had been the school bully until years later, and it's significant that I was bullied at school. Bullies can always spot an easy target.

As far as finances. DH was in a stable job when I fell pregnant. That is no longer the case. We didn't see that coming.

What people describe as unplanned falls into genuine contraception failure and not bothering with contraception at all (often by people who were apparently sure they couldn’t conceive with little medical evidence) or not really bothering by taking the pill properly, always using condoms, making sure their coil is in date etc. There are shocking numbers of people who consider pulling out to be a real method of preventing pregnancy.

There are obviously men who become abusive during pregnancy and you’ll be inundated by replies staying exactly that.

And then there are an awful lot of threads similar to the types you describe where he’s useless, lazy, mean with money, drinks, doesn’t work, is obsessed with the gym, gaming or fucking football and she knew that and is pregnant with baby number 2 or 3.

All you can do is feel sad because a lot of babies who never asked to be born are arriving in shit situations with parents in shit relationships where the writing was on the wall a long time ago.

Contraception is free and easily accessible, most people who have unprotected sex enough will eventually conceive, abortions are free and relatively easy to come by, men who were god awful dads to baby number one, or his kids with his ex(s) won’t suddenly improve.

When I had my first DC I had no idea men could be anything other than selfish, unhelpful, messy, uncaring, ever so slightly aggressive, etc. I just thought - men are different to women obviously, and so you have to put up with it if you want a (heterosexual) relationship. Since most people seem to have this kind of relationship I thought well it can't be that bad.

Gender norms, unhelpful stereotypes, sexism all contributed to this view.

Also before you have DC you tend to be fairly independent in a relationship rather than having ever been reliant on each other. For a lot of women being the mother of small child(ren) is the first time they have been vulnerable and reliant on someone else. It can be a shock to find that what they thought their relationship was (we love each other therefore we care for each other) is a different view from their partner (who often feels: You care for me because you are woman and women care for men).

I agree OP. It amazes me too. And women do tend to mention that "he has always been like this" but there is always a "but".

As for unplanned pregnancies, I am in my 40s, have always had an active sex life, and the only times I fell pregnant was when I was not using contraception or knowingly was not careful. There were a few situations when I knew I was at risk and I would take a MAP. Contraception can fail in 1% cases but based on MN it fails in 50%. That's not the problem with contraception choices, that's just not being careful.

My DM just wanted to have a DH I think. Her second husband was always a lazy, selfish arse. She eventually divorced him after 3 DC.

Yanbu

It’s rather naive to think that life is that black and white.

How long would you say it is acceptable to wait before having children in a good relationship OP? Do you really know who you are with?

My timeline for your reference:
0-3years - perfect relationship, no signs or issues.

• DC born 3-5years - his paranoid behaviour starts. Becomes controlling and I have to walk on egg shells permanently. 5-8years - he loses his job and becomes violet towards me. Hitting, Raping, isolating me. 8-10 years- I try to make him leave but because of my isolation it is impossible. Abuse continues. 10 years- police remove him. I am finally free.

As you can see I did not have a child in a bad relationship, it does not mean it didn't end badly.

@PerpetualStudent Yes, because me stating the need for women having good judgement and personal accountability totally proves your point about the patriarchy . God forbid I form my own opinion, it must be because a man manipulated me.

@PerpetualStudent Again, I'm talking about when the red flags are there, and they are wilfully ignored. I wish people like you would stop acting as if all women don't have autonomy and are so easily fooled by the evil overlords that are 'the men.'

Such judgement, aren't you clever for not falling victim to abuse 👏🏽

1. Some men don't show their true colours until a woman is pregnant and vulnerable - that is backed up by DV statistics.

1. A lot of people aren't aware of non-physical types of abuse.

1. Society has always completely normalised women doing the vast majority of housework and what may have been a 40/60 split pre-kids often tips even further to mans advantage after children.

1. We're so often told relationships are hard and they take work, so people normalise toxic situations and think if they just work harder it'll work out.

1. Some people have had very poor relationship modelling. They have no idea what a positive happy relationship looks like. It's only when they come on a site like Mumsnet they realise they're not in a good relationship.

There are just some of the reasons women end up in shit situations. Maybe instead of asking why there are so many women having babies with these men, how about asking why there are so many of these men about? This post is victim blaming at its best.

On a forum like this of course you're going to see more of the "I'm pregnant and my DP is xyz please help me" than "I'm pregnant and my DP is being really wonderful as he should be" threads.