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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU pregnancy with an unsuitable man ALL over this site

506 replies

SiriusBlack94 · 12/01/2020 09:16

It amazes me that EVERY day there are multiple posts with...

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant
My DH is a narcissist how can I leave him —- I have a baby on the way
I don’t love my DH anymore - but I’m 28 weeks pregnant
DH drinking all the time/doing drugs/ controlling/ doesn’t help around the house —- but I’m pregnant.

Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with. I know in some cases a man can turn abusive during pregnancy but in the majority of cases it’s things like ‘my DH drinks 4 times a week’ or ‘my DH never helps around the house’ which you would’ve KNOWN but still got pregnant.

I just don’t understand it and they are then tying themselves with often multiple children to these men.

OP posts:
MotherOfDragonite · 12/01/2020 10:36

A lot of abusive men coerce women into pregnancy.

Also, a lot of abuse reveals itself during pregnancy.

So statistically, it's actually probably quite a common time to discover that you have permanently linked yourself to an abuser.

SandyY2K · 12/01/2020 10:40

@SentimentalKiller

Another one who has missed the point. It's women who get pregnant, in spite of knowing what their DH/DP is like...not the men who change later.

And while we're talking about change...a lot of men may also say their wives have changed too.

We all change in relationships... but in relation to this thread...we're talking about the women who saw exactly what he was like and still got pregnant.

So pre-empting the point of age didn't get herself pregnant....no she didn't...but she chose to stay in a sexual relationship with the man and risk pregnancy.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 12/01/2020 10:44

It's also the number of posts from women saying that they are pregnant with baby number 2 or 3 or 4 but they have no money, no room at home. When questioned as to why have another child the answer is it was unplanned and they were using the withdrawal method of contraception.

This is another life you are creating. Why don't people take it seriously?

Plumbus · 12/01/2020 10:44

YANBU OP.

eloquent · 12/01/2020 10:46

This is a disgustingly misogynistic thread.

Stop blaming women for men being shit.

Inliverpool1 · 12/01/2020 10:47

Nobody is blaming women for Men being shit.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/01/2020 10:47

In 2020 a better question would be why are there still so many appalling men who fail to step up when they become fathers and partners.

Its rarely obvious before the pregnancy, usually it starts or becomes apparent with children.

TooleyVanDooley · 12/01/2020 10:48

So many women give so little thought to who they create babies with.

Beatrice2407 · 12/01/2020 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Plumbus · 12/01/2020 10:50

This is a disgustingly misogynistic thread.

Stop blaming women for men being shit.

Have you actually read the OP?

virginpinkmartini · 12/01/2020 10:53

I wouldn't ask a burglar to house-sit for me when I went on holiday then act aghast when my shit went missing because that would be stupid. But I'd still ring the police because he still stole my shit, and he's still a criminal.

TWO THINGS CAN BE TRUE AT ONCE. Why oh why is this so hard for people to grasp?

WorldsOnFire · 12/01/2020 10:55

@SiriusBlack94

My DH is so lazy —— I’m 30 weeks pregnant

🤔 I’m guessing this is aimed at my post from this morning.
I appreciate some posters whose partners have long term issues, substance abuse, cheating, violence ...etc and I appreciate the ‘why do women procreate knowing this?’

However, lots of relationships and dynamics change when there’s pregnancy or a small child on the scene. My DH holds down arguably one of the hardest jobs in the country (academically) and we’d been together for several years with no issues at all. Capable, proactive, responsible, kind....but then I got pregnant and ended up on long term sick whilst he went through an unusually demanding few months career wise. He’s been a lazy arse recently and I’ve been depressed and miserable we’re both pretty unrecognisable from pre pregnancy.

I didn’t make a bad or irresponsible choice getting pregnant - life happened and shit changed.

Softleftpowerstance · 12/01/2020 10:57

I can't speak for everyone, but until DS was born, OH lived between my house and his DMs as it was more convenient and economical for his commute. I did pretty much all of the household chores, dealt with all bills etc, which was to be expected, as I was there full time, and was already paying all of the bills (he gave me his share, I wasn't bankrolling him). He would do pots and the odd bit of hoovering, but pre-DC there wasn't anything else for him to do.

See lots of people would look at that situation and say their DP was immature, not properly committed to the relationship and they didn’t know him well enough as a partner to have a baby.

It’s not misogynistic to expect standards.

Ishotmrburns · 12/01/2020 10:57

I agree that from the outside it can seem silly, but it's so different when you are living it. I'm very lucky that my husband is a supportive partner and great dad to our DC, but when I was younger I found myself in an abusive relationship with a violent gambling addict. It was a miserable, frightening period in my life, and at the time I genuinely felt trapped. I couldn't see a way out. Fortunately I didn't end up pregnant by him, but if I had done I think my whole life would have been so different. I didn't know how to get out. I had no support.

I honestly believe that the reason I have been able to choose such a fantastic husband who is such a great dad is because of the experience I had with that shitty man. I learnt a lot of life lessons. Not everyone is lucky enough to come out of that situation without a child. That child binds you to that shitty man forever.

Urkiddingright · 12/01/2020 10:57

Many men only show their true colours when their partner becomes pregnant. I think they believe the woman is now trapped and stuck with them for life so they can behave however they like. A lot of domestic abuse begins during pregnancy too.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/01/2020 10:57

Have you actually read the OP?

I have. The thrust is that its women's responsibility to vet the men in their lives and they should be able to predict which men will step up and take responsibility and which won't (I disagree with the assertion in the OP that its usually obvious).

I see no comment about why are so many men failing to step up and behave well as parents.

Also wondering why the OP felt the need to NC for this.

Interestedwoman · 12/01/2020 11:01

'Like seriously. Why are women so casual about getting pregnant with men that aren’t suited to them or who they aren’t in a loving relationship with.'

The woman mightn't admit it to herself or others, but a fair few unplanned pregnancies are the result of women being raped by their partner, or coerced into sex without protection. So, that's one reason why.

AllyBamma · 12/01/2020 11:01

Oh my god yes. I think this every time I read these types of threads, YANBU at all OP, well said

PepePig · 12/01/2020 11:02

@eloquent

It really isn't. In the situation OP describes, she is simply encouraging women to control their own destiny and end relationships with absolute dead beats. Women are more than capable of reading, processing and reacting to warning signs. I absolutely hate this mindset where women are weak, feeble creatures and it's entirely a man's fault why the relationship is shite.

Stop peddling the narrative that women are perpetual victims. It does an absolute disservice to those who saw the signs, ended it and now have a lovely life with someone worth something.

And to repeat, I'm exclusively discussing the situations OP has mentioned.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 12/01/2020 11:02

I see no comment about why are so many men failing to step up and behave well as parents.

That's a different thread entirely though isn't it?

This thread is about the responsibility that women have before deciding to have children, or do you think we have no responsibility?

Should we not have figured out how we plan to house, feed, clothe a child before we conceive? Do we, as women, have no responsibility towards the children that we have?

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2020 11:03

I have. The thrust is that its women's responsibility to vet the men in their lives and they should be able to predict which men will step up and take responsibility and which won't (I disagree with the assertion in the OP that its usually obvious).

Her point is, that women go ahead and have babies with men when it is obvious!

Obviously no-one can predict, but those aren't the people she's talking about!

Inliverpool1 · 12/01/2020 11:03

A fair few women are raped and have the baby and stay with the father ? Really, I don’t think so.

Scarsthelot · 12/01/2020 11:04

Its a difficult one. My exh abuse didnt become obvious until we had been married 12 years. I had an abusive childhood so his controlling was normal to me.

However, in a lot of these threads the women will admit its 'always been like this' or have known since baby no 1 and now in baby no 3.

And theres women paitinf who are TTC with coke heads etc and dont seem to mind it. Or have kids with men going out and doing coke and have always known but now baby no 2 is on the way, they seem confused that they just havent stopped.

And if you read mumsnet a far higher proportion of women have unplanned need pregnancies. Especially, when they have been told they cant have kids. Far higher than in the real world. Lots of them then admit the accidental pregnancy came about because they werent using contraception. That's not an accident. Unfortunately, due to biology, it impacts women more and lots take the risk.

Or people who admit they dont take the pill properly, or were I'll when taking it and got pregnant. Thata not an accident. Thats misusing contraception. Both man and women are responsible for contraception and using it properly. But women are the ones most at risk and too many take risks they shouldnt, with men they shouldnt the act surprised that he is shir parent too.

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2020 11:05

I didn’t make a bad or irresponsible choice getting pregnant - life happened and shit changed.

So therefore, totally different to the OP because circumstances changed after.

virginpinkmartini · 12/01/2020 11:05

@Softleftpowerstance

It's not misogynistic to expect standards.

I completely agree with this. What could be more feminist/ empowering that telling women that 'Yes, you do have a say in your destiny. You should absolutely refuse to settle for less than decent partners, and yes, there are consequences for bad decisions.' But no, constantly being kept in a state of victimhood/ protection from the consequences of poor decisions is what is deemed as feminist to some people.

Again, I'll reiterate that this is in reference to the women who ignore the warning signs and go on to have children with deadbeats anyway. Nothing to do with abusers that spring out of nowhere. Disclaimers are obviously necessary at every single turn because even though the OP has stated from the very beginning what exactly she is referring to, people are still trotting out the 'victim blaming' and 'not everyone has an abuser from the beginnintg' irrelevant arguments.