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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get DS a tattoo for 16th Birthday

159 replies

catsandwine · 12/01/2020 00:50

Not just any tattoo. A Manchester bee.
DS was at the Manchester Arena 22.05.17 as a young teen.
She has suffered with PTSD following this and a number of associated effects, including on grades due to time off.
Despite being in my late twenties I’ve never felt compelled to tattoo my body but I certainly consider this worthy.
AIBU to get her this for her birthday?
If I, as an indirect victim, feel no differently almost three years later, I sincerely doubt she will ever feel differently.
I will also have the tattoo in solidarity (indirect but heartbroken nonetheless) and make a donation to the fund equal to the tattoo cost. I’m thinking just above my right elbow and will restrict the location of hers to one that won’t cause issues in a professional environment (she wants to be a teacher, I am and always will be, office based).
I should say I will ensure it is a reputable tattoo artist. She looks a lot older than she is, but if challenged I will have a suitable (illegitimate) ID available.
Part of me thinks that I just want to get a gift that she will appreciate forever, but the other part of me thinks that this is the right time as she is developing her independence and she has had enough time to consider.
She already has a life plan and a boyfriend etc (?precociousness associated with trauma).
If IABU due to the illegitimate ID, please let me know that this is the reason. The means are a different issue for me. I would always ensure there were zero repercussions on the establishment and owner of the ID.

OP posts:
saraclara · 12/01/2020 07:50

I'm glad you've changed your mind, and I don't have to list all the many reasons why this would be wrong.

Butchyrestingface · 12/01/2020 07:53

YABVU.

Where you at the arena that night with your sister? Your description of yourself as an ‘indirect victim’ makes it sound like you were there.

fallen121 · 12/01/2020 07:58

I think you can get a tattoo over 16 with parental consent and presence but the tattoo artist would have to be comfortable about this and I can imagine most reputable ones would not because they fear any fallout later. But as you are a sister and not a parent this doesn't apply.

I got a tattoo at 17 with forged ID. But it was quite small and the tattoo artist made me have it in a very discreet place on my back, he wouldn't do arms on a woman because he said they were often don young then regretted. But this was many years ago before tattoos were mainstream and I went to a private school where such things were generally frowned upon then as being "common" (this was a long time ago). Keeping it small and discreet meant many people didn't know or care, it didn't affect my job prospects (I work for a Bank). Unfortunately with the passage of time it has blurred and faded so that's something you have to consider. Tattoos done very young often don't last. Nothing to do with the quality of the tattoo, they just don't age well.

Fast forward many years and I now have a half sleeve and about to get another. But I do plan them very carefully and avoid affiliation type tattoos (clubs, bands, films etc) as your tastes do change. Standard things like dragons, a phoenix, flowers can look lovely with colours and age well.

My 17 year old daughter is considering a heart on her buttock when she is 18. Small, discreet and perfectly legal. But she's still thinking about it. Associating tattoos with a birthday IMHO puts you under pressure to get it done and can lead you to pick an artist who isn't that great - most of the reputable artists are usually booked up weeks in advance.

saraclara · 12/01/2020 08:03

@fallen121, I don't know where you are, but
it is illegal to tattoo young people under the age of 18 under UK law. Even with parental consent, in the UK it is illegal for anyone to have a tattoo under 18.

MaggieAndHopey · 12/01/2020 08:07

It's illegal to tattoo anyone under 18. End of story. No licensed tattooist would do it and she'd end up with an awful tattoo.

PristineCondition · 12/01/2020 08:11

I think she needs counselling not a constant reminder.

moderate · 12/01/2020 08:12

Don't do it. Not because it's "trashy" (!) or illegal, but because as others have said, it will encourage her to think that this event defines her. People want to belong to a tribe, all the more so when they're young. She doesn't have the life experience to realise that her journey will be much wider than this.
In the best case, she will have more tattoos in order to show that this was just one significant event worth marking. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does set her on a path that is better no started at 16.

Throwaway2468 · 12/01/2020 08:14

I agree with what’s already been said and also, getting a matching tat to show solidarity is nonsense. Show solidarity in an actual real way like emotional support, rather than getting a tattoo so you can tell other people you’re a victim by association

SunshineCake · 12/01/2020 08:18

Too young and apparently the tattoo so many got was actually a type of fly so maybe check that if you do but no, too young.

misspiggy19 · 12/01/2020 08:22

I’m going to be really harsh here, sorry: no, don’t permanently mark a fucking teenager because you think it has meaning, that’s a completely moronic thing to do.

^This. Why would you brand someone with a tattoo that reminds them of a traumatic event.

goldbeadsthatglitter · 12/01/2020 08:23

You are an idiot. Tattoos are hideous, and moronic.

FairyBatman · 12/01/2020 08:28

Putting aside that’s it’s illegal, it could well ser her recovery back. She should talk it through with her counsellor before doing anything (now or in a couple of years)

yogo · 12/01/2020 08:28

They won't do it until she's 18.

DD's best friend died when they were 16 and I took her to every tattoo shop in town and no one would. We booked it for her 18tj birthday in the end.

yogo · 12/01/2020 08:36

Meant to say she wanted a tiny little tattoo, something that reminded her of her bf.

She's 20 now and it's the only tattoo she has and she says she loves it.

Butchyrestingface · 12/01/2020 08:39

DD's best friend died when they were 16 and I took her to every tattoo shop in town and no one would. We booked it for her 18tj birthday in the end.

Presumably you hadn’t procured fake ID for her and lied about her age to the tattoo parlour?

spongejack · 12/01/2020 08:40

took her to every tattoo shop in town and no one would. We booked it for her 18tj birthday in the end.

Thank good they had sense to follow the rules even if as a parent you didn't. I'm not sure why any parent would encourage their child to break the law? Aren't we there to guide them away from that type of behaviour?

Igotthisjustabout · 12/01/2020 08:42

I agree with everyone, not a tattoo.
Maybe something less permanent:
www.etsy.com/uk/market/manchester_bee_necklace
You have probably already thought of this. At least she can take it off if she becomes upset.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 12/01/2020 08:42

No reputable tattoo artist will tattoo a 16 year old. It’s illegal whether you have parental consent or not.

mrsed1987 · 12/01/2020 08:50

I went with my mum at 16 for a tattoo and they would not let me even with consent of my mum.

JacquesHammer · 12/01/2020 08:56

It always makes me laugh when people say “tattoos are permanent”.

Like they expect people to add “well fuck me I thought they came off with a good bath, I’m totally thinking again”.

HopelessLayout · 12/01/2020 09:02

This 100%! Well said @Moderate

Don't do it. Not because it's "trashy" (!) or illegal, but because as others have said, it will encourage her to think that this event defines her. People want to belong to a tribe, all the more so when they're young. She doesn't have the life experience to realise that her journey will be much wider than this.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 12/01/2020 09:03

Get matching gold bee jewellery. Glad you saw sense.

Ellisandra · 12/01/2020 09:04

@moderate “people want to belong to a tribe”. So so true. I think OP wants to belong to a tribe - hence the tattoo so people can say, “oh, what’s the bee for?” and she can tell them all about being an “indirect victim”. I think a better way to deal with that is for OP to have counselling herself. Of course an event like that affects more people than those present - but latching onto the phrase, wanting a tattoo, trying to get your sister to have a matching tattoo for your sake? Counselling needed. You don’t process this for yourself, by enabling your sister to break the law.

As for the donation of the cost of the tattoo... that’s completely irrelevant to the post. An example of how you’re trying manipulate how we, as an audience, feel about. Just like the matching tattoo - it’s about what others see. Definitely get counselling.

Ellisandra · 12/01/2020 09:04

*feel about you

SimonJT · 12/01/2020 09:23

She needs to wait until she’s 18.

I had my first tattoo at 17, I looked a lot older than I was and I had stolen my brothers driving license before moving out so I used that. It’s the formula for a molecule of insulin under my right ‘boob’ I love it, and as it hasn’t required any touching up yet. But, lots of people go to poor parlours or get something really awful, it isn’t a decision to be taken lightly.

I have quite a few now, including a full sleeve, behind my ears, down the side of my ribs and my right thigh. All very carefully planned, designed and they all took a long time to get as decent artists will have a hefty waiting list.