Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get DS a tattoo for 16th Birthday

159 replies

catsandwine · 12/01/2020 00:50

Not just any tattoo. A Manchester bee.
DS was at the Manchester Arena 22.05.17 as a young teen.
She has suffered with PTSD following this and a number of associated effects, including on grades due to time off.
Despite being in my late twenties I’ve never felt compelled to tattoo my body but I certainly consider this worthy.
AIBU to get her this for her birthday?
If I, as an indirect victim, feel no differently almost three years later, I sincerely doubt she will ever feel differently.
I will also have the tattoo in solidarity (indirect but heartbroken nonetheless) and make a donation to the fund equal to the tattoo cost. I’m thinking just above my right elbow and will restrict the location of hers to one that won’t cause issues in a professional environment (she wants to be a teacher, I am and always will be, office based).
I should say I will ensure it is a reputable tattoo artist. She looks a lot older than she is, but if challenged I will have a suitable (illegitimate) ID available.
Part of me thinks that I just want to get a gift that she will appreciate forever, but the other part of me thinks that this is the right time as she is developing her independence and she has had enough time to consider.
She already has a life plan and a boyfriend etc (?precociousness associated with trauma).
If IABU due to the illegitimate ID, please let me know that this is the reason. The means are a different issue for me. I would always ensure there were zero repercussions on the establishment and owner of the ID.

OP posts:
HairyString · 12/01/2020 06:35

It's a terrible idea. At that age she might feel obliged to have it. Don't even mention it for this reason and really don't even mention it because part of the healing process is not being reminded every day.

I was given a troll bead by a family member who subsequently treated me very badly. There's not many of these beads that I like but I have had to take it off my bracelet because it reminds me of the terrible things this person did and said. I have donated it to charity and would like to buy myself an identical one but I know it will still stir me up. A tattoo remembering the Manchester bombing my have a similar effect. If she asks independently as an adult for you to pay for this tattoo - great. Otherwise be part of her healing and buy her something with no emotive connotations of any sort is my advice.

ticking · 12/01/2020 06:38

Can you not buy her a lovely bee pendant?

ticking · 12/01/2020 06:39

part of the healing process is not being reminded every day.
/

I
This

UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 12/01/2020 06:44

Yabu it’s illegal.
Wait until she’s eighteen

lostsoulsunited · 12/01/2020 06:46

Yabvvu. I can see that you mean well but she's not old enough legally or to make an informed decision yet, it's her body not yours. I'm sorry she went through this.

I'm a bit Shock at you describing yourself as a victim by association, this is about her and not you.

Sumsuch · 12/01/2020 06:50

I was about to say what @ticking said...
No to tattoo ( mainly because she's still a child, and she may change her mind)

( also, tattoos are so permanant)

Can you get a bit of jewelry specially made?

Sumsuch · 12/01/2020 06:52

Oh, and I'm so glad your sister is ok. That must have been terrifying for everyone

AriadnesFilament · 12/01/2020 06:55

If she really wants it tell her it will mean far more when she is in a position to get herself, legitimately and without any worries about ID etc, at 18, given the reason she wants it.

Yeahnah2020 · 12/01/2020 06:57

Trash, trash, trashy!!

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 12/01/2020 06:58

YABU Tattooing a child is classed as assault on a minor and you could get the tattoos in heaps of trouble/ lose their license/ruin their reputation. No decent studio will tattoo a child anyway unless you have forged I'd documents.
Might DS rather not have a permanent reminder of this event, always visible? Might it not be a negative thing?

speakout · 12/01/2020 07:01

A terrible idea OP.

ittakes2 · 12/01/2020 07:06

Terrible things happen to good people. Don't define her life from one incident. Yes 3 years on you feel a certain way but you are missing the life experience to know that 3 years in a life is actually a very short time - it doesn't mean she will be thinking of this everyday for the next 3 years unless you get a tattoo in a prominent place to remind her to! Let her life be what it is - it does not have to be marked by one day in her life.

AlwaysCheddar · 12/01/2020 07:06

Omg..... just no!!!! Ffs....

airbags · 12/01/2020 07:07

YABVU. Fake ID, no parental consent, the fact that by tattoo'ing her underage it will negate the company's insurance. She is a child with psychological issues and you're looking at putting a permanent mark on her that represents this....whilst she may like the idea at 16yrs old there's no guarantee she'll feel this way in a few years time. Please don't do it and I'm really hoping that the company see through your fake ID if you do.

Newbie1981 · 12/01/2020 07:09

@user1473878824 there's harsh and then there's swearing and calling her a moron unnecessarily . A simple no I don't think it's a good idea would suffice, especially in the circumstances!

Grandmi · 12/01/2020 07:20

I can understand your thought process here and I am so sorry your poor sister is still so traumatised but don’t do it . She is only 16 so it’s illegal,not fair on tattoo artist! She will have a permanent reminder of that horrific day forever on her arm !! What you think you want or like at 16 is very different by the time you are 10 years older.

KingPrawnOkay · 12/01/2020 07:33

There is no such thing as a reputable artist who’ll tattoo someone under 18 as it’s illegal. It’s still them who’d get into trouble if it transpired you’d used a fake ID. Please don’t ruin someone else’s business.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 12/01/2020 07:35

Pay for her to have counselling for her PTSD

snapcrap · 12/01/2020 07:37

There is no need for posters to reply in harsh, snobby or rude terms to OP. Have a heart and unclutch your pearls.

I understand why you're thinking of doing this OP, but at least wait til she's 18, you will both have changed a lot by then anyway. I'm so glad your sister is safe and feel desperately sad for the families who lost loved ones.

RevolutionofOurTime · 12/01/2020 07:43

I pressed the wrong button! I’m afraid YABU.

BaolFan · 12/01/2020 07:46

Any decent tattooist will ask for ID and refuse to do it because she's under 18.

She's NU to want a bee - I know quite a few people who have them - but she needs to wait until she's older before getting a tatt.

In the meantime you can get lots of Manchester bee stuff - pictures, t-shirts, stickers and so on - if that's what she wants.

spongejack · 12/01/2020 07:47

YABVU

BaolFan · 12/01/2020 07:48

And I'm smiling at the people who are shrieking about it being 'trashy'. One person's 'trashy' is another's personal choice. The difference is that most people aren't rude enough to shout about it.

LotteLupin · 12/01/2020 07:48

I'm going to be harsh too. No way do this. You say she'll be marked forever anyhow, but you aren't giving her a choice ever to move on.

The pain of having the tattoo, doing it illegally and upsetting your (plural) mum, and then she's branded for life.

If you have PTSD, as I do, the last thing you need is a constant reminder that you can never escape. Because you have to get to the point of being able to deal with it - put it in its box and walk away. Having this in her will make it harder for her to recover.

No it's a bad idea. Don't do it. And not when she's 18 either.

LotteLupin · 12/01/2020 07:50

Meant having this on her.

And it's not wrong to forget. Actually she will have to forget move on. Let her forget.