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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a fourth child

192 replies

Tumti2 · 11/01/2020 21:36

I have just had a baby a week ago!

Just not sure I’m ready to say never again .

OH definately doesn’t want a fourth .

AIBU to think I could talk him round and go for it !

Have you ever done the same and had more babies than your OH wanted initially ?

Or is this a passing phase .

I do have everything I wanted from the babies I have had eg both sexes etc .

Initially only wanted at least two maybe three .

OP posts:
ichifanny · 12/01/2020 01:08

What a horrible thing to suggest to someone that they may be unwittingly fucking their kids up and won’t know until they are grown and fucked up while they are doing their best to raise them well . Some absolutely atrocious people on here .

Retroflex · 12/01/2020 01:12

For all the people complaining about carbon footprint, what about the people who don't have children? Doesn't that offset it? And do you have the comparative data of people in the western world and people in other areas such as Africa, so we can look objectively at how many children people are having, the average life expectancy etc, etc?

Soon2BeMumof3 · 12/01/2020 01:13

I'm one of four, I had a wonderful childhood and we're all glad to have each other now.

That said, I think there is a crazy hormone surge around one week post birth, so I wouldn't be making any major decisions right now.

Enjoy your baby as though he's the last one.
Give yourself 6 months to recover before contemplating another.

SleightOfMind · 12/01/2020 01:14

That’s kind of true of all parents though. Whether you have lots of children, an only child, a blended family or any other permutatio, we go through our parenting years trying our best and hoping we’re not fucking them up too badly.
No?

PatricksRum · 12/01/2020 01:17

Baby blues.
I thought this was normal pp?

PatricksRum · 12/01/2020 01:17

That's postpartum not previous poster

Duck90 · 12/01/2020 01:25

what about the people who don't have children? Doesn't that offset it?

No it doesn’t. Not at all. Terrible way of justifying the ruin of the environment. Those who don’t have children aren’t doing it so you can have 4.

Cremebrule · 12/01/2020 06:26

To be honest at one week post partum I don’t think anyone can make a good decision about anything. I got really broody with my second baby and for very emotional putting away the newborn baby clothes. Now she’s 9 months my rational head is back and I know we’re done and we’ve started getting rid of things. You might feel quite differently in a few months time when the hormones wear off.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 12/01/2020 06:50

YABU
Think of the environment. Come on, how can you not? If everyone across the world (think of the billions of child-bearing aged women) who want baby number 3, 4, 5, 6, etc, just do it without any thought beyond their 'undeniable' need or urge to keep reproducing until they feel satisfied they are putting us all in the cr4p.
Seriously, what is it going to take for people to finally wake up about climate change? Hmm

On a less global level, why not concentrate on your lovely new bundle of joy? You already have want you want right there in your arms Wink

Congratulations Flowers

squeekums · 12/01/2020 06:54

I don't understand the want to do pregnancy and birth 4 times at all. My idea of hell personally
On you talking dp round,
It's dp that's wants a 2nd here, I'm a no. There no talking me round. My MIL asked me the day dd was born when I'd have a 2nd. I said never. She didnt believe me. Asked all the time until dd was about 5.
Dd is 9 and an only. Be prepared for your dp being so set on done.

But also,
You just had a 3rd, give it a year at least before you even think about the conversation of a 4th.

Yeahnah2020 · 12/01/2020 06:58

Figs!!

Zeusthemoose · 12/01/2020 07:05

08Isawthathaggis
'My four may stay in this country and pay NI which will pay for you when the time comes. You’ll be fucked if there aren’t enough people to do that.'

Oh wow thanks so much for having all those kids just to help the future society. That was so selfless of you Hmm

dottiedodah · 12/01/2020 07:25

I think sometimes your hormones play tricks on you,and subconciously you feel "this is my last one ,so I have to make the most of it"! Try and be mindful, and enjoy the here and now of your lovely new baby .You may feel differently in a few months !

Newmetoday · 12/01/2020 07:25

I’d love to know how many children the people banging on about the planet have. I’d hope none tbh

Ginfordinner · 12/01/2020 07:54

Less than 4

dirtyrottenscoundrel · 12/01/2020 08:00

I don’t know anyone in RL who gives ‘the planet’ a second thought when deciding on how many children they have.
Op: have 10 kids if you want them.

Babynamechangerr · 12/01/2020 08:08

OP I'm in your shoes to an extent, I have 3 children Inc a young baby and I do feel broody for another one, I feel sad thinking that this is my last. But I know that it is -

  • we can just about afford to give 3 children the life we want to give them, with four we'd have to make compromises I wouldn't want to make.

-I already feel stretched to my limits and I know I couldn't effectively parent 4 children, my marriage has already been tested by going from 2 to 3.

-career wise I know that what I want to do next will become impossible

-I was Alot more worried this pregnancy about whether this child would be healthy, worried I'd rolled the dice too many times etc. I obviously still don't know whether this child will be developmentally typical, but I don't feel I can roll the dice again.

  • health wise I just feel like 3 pregnancies have already taken their toll, its harder to bounce back with each one, I do want to get my body back to normal.

So I am treating the broodiness as a hormonal / emotional response to knowing this is our last. I am just trying to manage it by making the most of my time with my baby and all my young children whilst they're small and being thankful for the wonderful children I have. I think also having a plan of what you want yo do next is useful.

MsTSwift · 12/01/2020 08:11

We have 2 and the environment was a factor in the decision

squeekums · 12/01/2020 08:23

I don’t know anyone in RL who gives ‘the planet’ a second thought when deciding on how many children they have.
Me either
Peoples reasons IRL include cost, space, ability to cope, maternal age. Never once the planet

I know one who only stopped once she got a boy, the boy was number 5
Another who wouldn't have stopped but her body says no, pregnancy will kill her, she had tubes tied
Another who stopped at 2 cos of disability with her 2nd, she would happily have another
Dp would have 3 if I let him and I only won't cos I dread the thought of pregnancy, birth and newborn again.
The norm in our area is generally 2 to 3 kids. We abnormal only having 1.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 12/01/2020 08:34

I have 4, I adore them but I'd never encourage anyone to have that many, simply because there isn't any time to do anything, ever. No time for them to all have 1-1 attention, no time to just chill out, no time for all of them to be a clubs/activities.
Everything costs a bomb when you're a family of 6.

I have said absolutely no way are we having more despite DH originally saying let's not make any rash decisions I think he's with me now. We love them dearly but my god they're a lot sometimes.

userabcname · 12/01/2020 08:35

How old are your others? I love babies and have two children who are very young still. Sometimes I think I could just keep on having them! But the teenage years terrify me - I'm a secondary teacher so have some idea of what teens are like and honestly I'm not looking forward to having two teens in the house. I definitely couldn't deal with 4!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/01/2020 08:36

I wouldn’t for a number of reasons.

You should never “talk” someone into having a baby. The planet doesn’t need people to have numerous children. Money has to stretch further and in the event of a relay breakdown many can’t afford the children’s costs. Time for me though is a big one, the more children the less time and more likelihood they will end up with more chores and babysitting dutiies from what I witnessed growing up.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/01/2020 08:43

My four may stay in this country and pay NI which will pay for you when the time comes

Unless all four turn out to be incredibly high earners they will still be covering the costs of their own education, healthcare, benefits they received as a child etc not to mention healthcare, pension etc going forward. That will amount to a huge amount.

Oysterbabe · 12/01/2020 08:48

I'm the youngest of 4 so my opinion will be coloured by my experience. My parents could not afford 4 children. We were loved and happy but very, very poor. We didn't get to go on holiday or school trips or have nice clothes or toys. I don't remember ever having one on one time with either parent. I never had help with homework and was left to my own devices most of the time. They both worked and were pretty knackered I imagine. I think they would have been a happier family with 2 children, less stressed when they didn't have to make the resources stretch quite so far and able to take a child each from time to time so they got some focused attention. I did often feel quite forgotten. I think 4 children is too many for most people.

motherheroic · 12/01/2020 08:49

Why do people always bring up Africa when talking about large families. The entire continent of Africa isn't rural and in poverty. There are massive cities in Africa that are thriving and where people have access to birth control.

It's a silly comparison anyway because Africans who live rurally and have large families are using nowhere near as much as ONE person in the west. How could they if they have no energy source and no water on tap?